Sarcasm Still Valid
by pirate kit
Summary: You don't escape from the insane facility of Aperture on tenacity alone.  It takes a generous helping of bravery, wits, and sarcasm.  And sometimes just a little bit of help from the last expected source.
1. Mild Irritation

**It has been a stupidly long time since I've bothered to post anything. Yes, I am aware. Mostly, all the portal comics I'm working, finished, or plotting were inspired by this train-wreck of a story. Unfortunately, it spun waaay too long joke wise, so some of the lols had to be removed and were then put in their own comic (now on deviant art). Lols are in progress there, and will continue here as well.**

**Sarcasm Still Valid [In the future!]**

**5/31/11 – Cleaned up 7/17/11**

* * *

><p>Pain.<p>

Her entire world was made of pain.

Oh god, did she still have both her legs?

Chell was honestly surprised they were attached when she managed to twist her head down and look at her legs, shards of the knee replacement splintered around them, and the flexible shock absorber on her left leg was bent and ruined. But yes, she had both her legs.

And pain.

Flaming shards of debris peppered her helpless body, and Chell lacked even the energy to shield her head. Taking a sharp breath, Chell tried to uncurl her aching body but the act of breathing was much more difficult that she remembered it to be. Whatever damage the neurotoxin she inhaled had done while fighting off a power-mad AI was burning her lungs, eyes, nose, and all her entire body felt both numb _and_ searing pain.

But she was outside.

And it was sunny.

_'…. how dare it have the nerve to be sunny,'_ Chell thought, dazed. She had almost been incinerated at least- well... that last blow to the head shaken things up- but she was sure it had been more than once. And the shooting pain her her legs was causing spots to flicker in her eyes.

The portal gun was missing, but it hardly mattered. She was outside. The psychotic, murdous computer was dead and she was FREE. After … god knows how many death traps (her memory was a bit foggy, head trauma from going through the roof probably) she had freedom!

Maybe... just a short nap first. Then Chell would stand up, brush everything off, and go home. Brush off the bruises, the broken bones, and the deadly neurotoxin gas – okay, that sounded a bit optimistic. But she had exploded the roof of the labs in broad daylight. In the middle of a city. Someone was bound to have noticed.

Someone did notice, and was approaching.

_'Oh thank god,' _Chell's mind was beginning to darken as the pain overwhelmed her. Rescue. After all those cruel and nearly fatal tests... she was out.

"Thank you for assuming the party escort submission position." A voice droned, to her ears it sounded like someone was speaking through a lead wall.

Chell's mind was beginning to blink in and out of consciousness, things weren't really making sense. Submission... position... that was an odd thing for a rescuer to say... especially after Chell was fairly certain she had gone through the roof with her skull...

Stabbing pain lanced up her leg and a cold metal grip closed around her ankle and jerked backwards.

Back towards the building.

Back into the lab.

No! She didn't want to go back! She wanted... to... go home. Hurt.

Ow...

Oh... darkness. – joy.

* * *

><p>Brown light glowed dimly behind her eyes, and Chell struggled to open them. Upon prodding, she fought the weight behind her eyelids, and realized she was in a room. Not a medical lab, not some sort of cryo-egg... thing... it was a hotel room? A battered, filthy, low-end motel room?<p>

A hotel room with a sort of announcer instructing her to look around.

…. ok... might as well see if her legs were gone or not.

Throwing back the blankets, Chell placed both her feet on the ground, and was more than a little shocked to see that yes, both legs were indeed attached... and there was no pain. But that may have been because someone had rebuilt the knee replacements with boots that covered her entire lower leg to the knee. There was a shiny layer of scar tissue at the back and side of her knee where the implants had once been fused into her legs, but the boots negated the need for the painful implants with a more practical shoe design. Lifting one hand to her head, Chell realized the blinding pain she had felt before falling unconscious was all gone. Her head, lungs, and eyes no longer burned from the horrible neurotoxin damage. Wow. Wait, how long had she been out?

The computerized voice continued to chatter.

_'….f...fifty days?' _Chell's jaw dropped open and she went slightly cross-eyed.

She had blown the roof off Aperture labs, landed on some nice soft cement, and no one had come looking for her fifty days later? What kind of lawyers, or armed forces, or psychotic computers did this crazy-ass place have?

Fighting down panic, Chell's eyes darted around the room as she tried to gather her bearings. The annoying voice was instructing her to go admire some art, dammit. … seriously? She had been uncanned from her cryo-sleep to go admire art?... and wtf, it was some kind of Bob Ross-style cabin in the mountains. In shock, Chell stared at the picture and the only thought in her head was _'Maybe I am dead, and this is hell – no wait, hell is full of hipsters and posters of cats hanging from tree branches... I'm good'._

Programmed to offer an alternative, the computerized voice then doled out a disgustingly huge helping of 'classical' music on Chell's poor ears.

_'… no wait, my mistake, this is hell.'_

After only a few seconds of 'enrichment', the computer ordered her to return to bed.

_'Oh hell no,'_ The woman glared silently at the small speaker wedged in the corner of the room. Chell stumbled to the window, determined to figure out where she was. Bright white light streamed into the hotel room, damped slightly by the blinds. Since she had been deprived of any chance to celebrate her escape, all Chell wanted to do was gaze into the bright sky and be grateful she still had her legs.

Wait-wait-wait... t-this wasn't a window!

Some bastard had put halogen lighting behind blind slats and was imitating the way the sunlight back-lights the blinds! It was a wall-fixture light to resemble a window—WHO WOULD EVEN DO A THING LIKE THAT?

Even in death, Chell could imagine GLaDOS getting the last laugh. Ha. Ha. Freaking. Ha.

Now go die in a fire.

_'Just my luck. The AI is dead in a fire, and she STILL manages to imprison me.'_ Chell sighed, her hand rubbing at her head again. She didn't feel dehydrated or even hungry for being asleep for fifty days, but her dry throat argued otherwise. It was as if they packed the entire Sahara desert into her mouth when she was sleeping. Coughing to clear the crud from her throat, she looked around the room, ignoring the computer's request for her to return to bed. There was a bathroom...

… and it was locked.

Giving the door a swift kick, the door didn't even rattle in the frame. What did they do, glue it into place? At this rate, Chell would not have been surprised if it was just painted on. The door that likely led out of here was no good either. Both were closed up so tight that she doubted she could force them off their hinges even if she were the human equivalent of a steamroller.

No. Calm. Stay calm... She didn't HAVE to use the bathroom. She currently wasn't hungry, or thirsty. Probably the sleep system keep her body alive with … whatever sciencey stuff they decided to pump into her while asleep.

For two months.

Slumping against the door out of the faux-hotel room, Chell put her head on her knees. Something wasn't right. Her memory was still all shaken up. Did the fight, resulting explosion, and who know how many following medical procedures mess with her head? Taking a quick mental inventory, Chell tried recall what had happened to her before Aperture's gauntlet of tests.

Well, she was missing her memory of her entire life outside of this place for starters. Actually, not missing. Just, it was in pieces – and out of order – and potentially brainwashed in. Chell was pretty sure she had come here one day with her dad. Something about... Bring your Daughter to Work Day? Vaguely, she could remember some sort of... test or project she had been working on for that and- After that tiny bit, her memories dissolved into fragments.

The computer again asked if she wanted to return to bed.

Chell gave the ceiling the finger.

It didn't help the situation any, though. Felt good, but ultimately futile. Eventually, Chell was going to have to return to that bed and go back to sleep until this horrible place wanted her awake again. Otherwise she would waste away with no food or water or even another robot might come in here, beat the snot out of here, and stuff her body back into the bed in the 'party escort submission position' thing again.

_'Mental note: Kick next robot I see in the-in … umm... where is a robot's weak point?' _Chell pondered.

Determined to escape regardless, Chell pushed herself off he ground and stood unsteadily on the new boots. She had solved the tests Aperture had jammed her in before. She solved them with only her wit, her athletic skills, a pair of boots... and a physics defying gun.

And she WOULD do it again, if need be.

… only maybe minus the gun at this point.

Opening the orange jumpsuit at the top, Chell shrugged her arms out and let the top portion dangle around her waist before tying the sleeves together. Stretching her back, she wiggled her toes and rolled her shoulders as if preparing for a race instead of bed. She climbed back into the dingy colored bed, and sunk a good inch into the memory foam mattress comfortably. Well, at least she would have a nice sleep in this bed.

After all, she could be in here a very long time...

* * *

><p>You know the feeling from waking up from a long 12 hour+ sleep? The <em>'I feel sick from sleeping too much'<em>? Multiply that by about a billion, and then try to stuff it back in your head. It's not a pleasant feeling, and leaves one dizzy, disoriented, and wishing for an industrial aspirin.

And you know the feeling of showing up to a final test and you remember NONE of the previous lessons – now apply that to your life. Chell's memory was even more fragmented than she had first fallen asleep. She was honestly surprised she remembered her own name.

And you know the feeling of being kidnapped by a giant crane game and knocked along an entire aisle of groceries?

… ok, maybe not that last one.

But somehow after waking up from cryogenics, Chell found herself … 'rescued' if it was the right word and 'kidnapped' if it wasn't ... by some kind of talking metal ball with a English accent. And if she _had _just got herself kidnapped by a helpless metal ball with no arms – well then- she deserved a kidnapping then!

Whether it was due to her own disorientation, or if the AI was extremely charismatic, Chell had allowed the sphere-like robot to enter a chamber above her room where a control panel was. That was when things got kind of weird. Somehow the little round AI was piloting the room she was in, causing it to sway unsteadily and slam the human into all manner of obstacle. It was like being a prize in the crane game. Chell lost her footing in the swaying room and fell into the bed, driving the air from her lungs as dust clouded up around her.

"Y'alright down there? Ken y' hear me?" Shouting over the sound of the diesel engine and groaning steel, the round robot seemed to be more chattering for the sake of talking than trying to see if she was ok. "Hello?"

Grumbling to herself, Chell thought, _'Yes, I'm totally fine. Just tasting what this bedspread is like... hmm... tutti fruit with the aftertaste of sawdust. Yeah, not one of my top 10 tastes...' _Chell spat, rubbing at her mouth.

Good news! Sarcasm still is valid in the future!

The lab rat had an excellent grasp of various situations... but a situation in which a round robot tells you that you have a _minor_ case of _serious_ brain damage, and then thinks you are 'talking' when in fact you are trying to jump off the bed you had been standing on... yeaaaaah. Chell was fairly certain if brain damage included hallucinating stupid little robots... then she was _seriously_ brain-broken.

And being in a situation in which your tiny little room gets continuously tinier and tinier as every object in its path (and several that the robot actually seemed SWERVE INTO) was smashed and crumbling her room – that was NOT something Chell found she could adapt to very well.

The robot said was apparently steering the room, and with all the grace of a bull in a china shop. Cracks began to form at the gaping hole, spreading across the wall. More pieces crumbled away. Ceiling tiles collapsed into the room and Chell dodged back onto the bed out of the way. "How you doin' down there? You still holdin' on?" The robot asked.

Normal response would have been to raise her middle finger at the ceiling, however Chell was too busy keeping a death grip on the bed. This was NOT how she pictured her demise... riding in a traveling hotel room by some sort of crane-game claw being bashed into other cargo containers. If she was going to be creative about it, she TOTALLY imagined her death to involve rockets, and at least one or more kangaroos wearing boxing gloves, to be honest. It was sort of refreshing to be this wrong about your 'weirdest death ever' thing.

The robot continued to complain about the state of the relaxation center falling into ruin and Chell continued to maintain her death grip on the bed. Apparently the sphere-bot had very little control of the humans he was supposed to be watching over and was 'not aware' the whole system had gone down. He sounded like some low-level peon in a huge corporation, confused by the bureaucracy and messing up his jobs half the time because of over management. Or maybe he was just an idiot... who apparently couldn't drive on top of that.

"Almost there!" The cargo rooms were getting progressively more and more run down as they got closer to wherever 'there' was. Green vines grew in long ropy columns, trailing down the sides of burned out and whole cargo containers. A hazy and humid fog clung to the room, give it the impression of some sort of rainforest environment. "On the other side of this wall, is one of the old testing tracks. There's a piece of equipment in there we're gonna need to get out of here. I-I think this a docking station." The crane jerked the room to a haul and everything rocked forward. Debris slid to the front of the ruined room, sliding out and into space before vanishing downwards on a loooong fall. Even the heavy bed moved closer to the edge with the rocking now.

Looking at the docking station, Chell noticed that about fifty feet below the words on the wall was a platform that stuck out from the wall as a dock_. 'Down more, it's lower,_' Chell waved her arm, gesturing for the metal ball to lower them. However her action went unnoticed and the diesel roar of the engine took them closer to the wall. _'LOOK DOWN!' _Chell wanted to scream. That... didn't happen though, all that came out was a wispy cough.

"Get ready to dock!" The crane stayed level, aimed right at the words on the wall.

_'Dock… IN the wall!' _Chell's mouth fell open.

"Here we go!" The AI core warned.

Chell rolled off the bed, slamming her back into the open closet behind her and flatting both her palms against the wall. _'… God, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name...'_

The room lunged forward, the force pinning Chell against the wall as it went swinging forward like a wrecking ball at the black tiled wall.

**THOOOOM.**

Twisted metal support bars holding onto the room by only gravity where thrown off. Cracks splintered across the remaining walls. Chell was jarred forward, onto the bed which was now pressed into the front of the closet's door.

"Good news... that was _not_ a docking station. One mystery solved. I'm going to attempt a _manual_ override on this wall." The little robot gave a dull 'hmmm', at the situation.

_'Manual over-… WHAAAAT? ON THE WALL? That's not how science works!'_ Chell's confusion over the whole fog of waking up was dispelled and she was taut with adrenaline and nerve now.

"Could get a bit technical, hold to something again!"

_'Do I have a last will and testament? I should have one of those. I should have SEVERAL of those.'_

Like a battering ram, the room swung backwards to get some momentum, and then lunged forward again. If Chell's voice had been working, she would have shrieked all the way into the wall.

**THOOOOOM.**

More of the tiled wall crumbled again. But so did much of the front end of the floor of Chell's room! One more hit would probably destroy most of whatever was holding this room together!

"Almost there! One more go! … seriously do hold on this time."

_'Well,'_ thought Chell, _'If I'm not dead yet, someone upstairs is listening to me. I appreciate it it, God. Carry on.'_

Again, the car jerked back, and swung forward, faster than the previous two times. This time Chell buried her face into the mattress, in a giant imprint that seemed to be from her own body. Her last moment thought was, _'… is my butt really that big?'_

**THOOOOM!**

The entire wall crumbled away, just as the front of the room disintegrated and crumbled fragments rolled into the exposed room. The collision threw Chell off the bed, flipped the furniture through the air, and slammed the mattress down on the prone human. The nearby dresser spun out of the room and hit the floor, crumbling into splinters of particle board and dust. Dazed and winded, Chell was stuck under a warped, age dusty mattress and felt like she had just been put into a blender on puree.

The roar of the diesel engine cut out, and the panels swung open revealing the metal ball with the blue eye. "Whew! We made it." Lowering himself, he looked around the room in confusion. "... oh-oh no! W-where are you? Are you alright? If you are still alive... um... jump?" The sphere was darting around the rail above him, trying to find the human.

Groaning, Chell managed to get her hands under her chest and pushed up, shoving the mattress to the side.

"T-there you are! Wot were you doing, hiding?" The core stopped above her, looking down in relief.

The human coughed, dust from the destroyed bed stuffing rising into the air. Great... she had been rescued from cryo by an imbecile. Energetic and eager... but a bit of a derp.

"OH good. Still ok. That will make this part easier. Well... off you go then." He offered lamely. Chell stared, her hand rubbed at the pain in her right wrist. "Just watch out for the death traps. They may still be active."

And that was his full explanation.

Waking her up from cold storage, slamming her into every manner of obstacle from a giant crane, and now throwing her into some sort of gauntlet? Well, it was pretty obvious he was an idiot now. In fact, he had to be the king of idiots. All Hail the King!

Chell stared at him longer. That was it? No additional words?

Under the human's gaze, the AI seemed to realize he had forgotten something. "OH...uh... I'm Wheatley. Wheeeeatley. Like... like wheat, you know?" Suddenly speaking, the bot cast his blue eye to look down at Chell again. "And... from your record, you are Chell. Ms. Chell... last name... redacted... well wonderful. I dun' suppose you'd care to tell me y-your last- you know it doesn't matter. It's nice to meet you Chell. Um... a brief summary, I suppose. We are all going to die." Wheatley said, nodding seriously from the rail.

The woman in the orange jumpsuit gave him a look that said, _'What else is new?' _Tact kept her from punching Wheatley whatever weak point it was robots possessed. At least, until she got a full explanation of why she had just been ping-pong'ed around a bunch of containers.

The non-verbal message got across loud and clear. "Ok... maybe a bit—just a longer summary then." Stumbling over words, Wheatley gave a rather convoluted explanation of the facility dying, power bleeding from systems, and humans in cryo simply not waking up. The personality core wanted to escape, but he lacked... well... legs (and also lacking in any sort of common sense as well). So he was going to help Chell get out under a specific condition.

The lower metal shutter rose on Wheatley's eye, begging. "If-... if you wouldn't mind, take me with! I don't want to be trapped in here, especially not with the whole place dyin'! I can help, there's loads I can do, you know! J-just take me with!" He pleaded.

Though he did not have had to beg hard. Chell already felt she owed him for waking her up before she too was killed in the cryo system. Wheatley seemed honestly to want to leave, and if his goals and Chell's were the same, perhaps come company would be a good thing. The woman nodded and Wheatley gave a cry of joy, bobbing around on the rail he was attached to.

"Now... onwards. Onwards to go find... that gun... thing. It makes holes –ah wait, not bullet holes or anything but... um... holes." Giving out lamely, the personality sphere nodded towards a glowing light ahead out of the rubble.

Chell stood, the pain from being smashed around a cargo container was fading. _'A gun that makes holes... but not bullet holes?...' _The thought struck her. ASHPD. Aperture Science Hand-held Portal Device. The portal gun.

It had to be.

Carefully picking a path down the rubble, Chell looked back at Wheatley, reluctant to leave him behind.

"Go on! You'll be fine. Meet you up ahead." The sphere nodded, watch as she made her path. "There's no rail there for me to travel on until later. I'll find you." Wheatley rocked against the management rail.

Chell began to focus on the task at hand. She could do this (probably)! If all the defenses and systems were down, she was going to need a hand getting out of here anyway. And if Wheatley said the ASHPD was somewhere ahead, she'd have to trust that. There was no doubt that she'd have to have that gun to escape.

The light source was coming from a room below, glass ceiling already cobwebbed with cracks. Below she could see a door with a glowing man-symbol stencil on it down there as well. The little symbol always represented the way to the next chamber. Placing one foot onto the glass, Chell started to make her way across gingerly across the surface.

"That's the spirit!" Wheatley cheered her on, his voice echoing from the hole in the wall the cargo room made.

Cri-crack!

… oh jesus.

The glass shattered as Chell had lifted her other foot to edge forward. Falling down into the room, Chell landed on both feet with no difficulty.

"Good luck!" Were Wheatley's last words.

Even though she had landed on both feet, she was almost knocked clean on her duff by what she saw.

This was the very first room she had seen THEN.

Chell was back in testing.


	2. General Displeasure

**Now, to begin diverging from the game plot sliiiiightly. Mostly for the purpose of lols. I write in a fairly stupid fashion, one GIANT document I then have to approach with scissors and chop apart. The concept of chapter breaks is now lost on my brain. DEEEEERP.**

**Sarcasm Still Valid**

**5/31/11 - Edit 7/20/11**

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><p>Chell was looking out on a scene of deja vu from several (hundred?) years earlier. Trapped in a glass room with an automated portal generator inside the cell, and one outside the cell. It was testing ALL OVER AGAIN.<p>

Nerves of steel? Hi! I'd like you to meet bladder of questionable nervousness...

The voice that spoke was stretched and warped with age, the recording sounding like a helium induced joke. "Hello! And again welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. We-are-currently- _**experi**_encing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control." The announcer was the exact same voice from her extended rest room... NOT GLaDOS's voice.

Thank god.

If one could really be thankful during a cataclysmic event.

The portal opened automatically, issuing Chell into the chamber. The sound of birds, crickets, water dripping, and the occasional hoot of an animal echoed in this strange familiar place. Plants grew from every crack in the tile, and hung from the ceiling in choking vines. There was the same heavy humidity there was in the cold-storage area.

Wow, the apocalypse was more impressive than Chell had thought it would be. It was as if God himself had decreed _'Let there be no technology!'_ and then changed his mind and said,_ 'Except for right here... and here... but that one has to go... this one is okay,'_ every five feet or so.

The area ahead barely had any power, but it did have a working Emancipation Grill. Faintly, Chell could remember them... plasma barriers which would reset portals and destroy any tools or items that weren't allowed through. Plus teeth, fillings, and other random body parts if you were unlucky, GLaDOS had warned once.

Chell had a ritual back when she was first thrown into test, and that was a check list to make sure she wasn't coming up negative every time she passed through the plasma field. It was now Emancipation grill check list time. Chell did a precursory check of all her teeth in her mouth. All there. Check. Then she stepped through the grill, feeling the familiar tingle of electricity. Upon passing through, she did another check of all her teeth. Yep still there. Thank god. The odd warnings she had gotten in the past about the grill made her worry one day it would emancipate her pants or something right off of her.

Wait... underwear... check, still there.

Like she thought before... someday the emancipation grill would have revenge.

Climbing into the elevator, Chell had a sudden warning from the pre-recorded announcer that the Material Emancipation Grill could even emancipate the ear tubes within her head (add that to the check list).

The human adopted a look of disbelief mashed together with horror and froze like a statue looking up at the wall-mounted speaker. If the goal of this ENTIRE facility was to make her paranoid, germophobic, and technophobic... it WAS WORKING. If this was the Emancipation Grill's pre-recorded revenge on her... it was EVIL!

* * *

><p>It took a few hours of slow stumbling and awkward movements through the ruined old testing chambers before Chell knew where she was. Her muscles were slowly thawing out and regaining strength from her extended deep-freeze, but the going was still slow and painful.<p>

Upon entering the next chamber, Chell's heart lunged. She remembered this room. This is where the ASHPD sat on it's pedestal, shooting portals through small holes that would allow her to jump into the room and get the device! Running down the stairs, the sound of crackling electricity and the drip of water were eclipsed only by the sound of her pounding heart.

"Hey-hey! You made it!"

And by the completely unexpected sound of Wheatley scaring the absolute crap out of her.

The human flung herself back from the source of his voice, her left had clutching at the white tanktop over her heart in panic. Sliding along a rail in the partially fallen wall, the personality core stopped next to her.

"You sure a good jumper. Yeah, that was a good five feet! In pretty good shape for a human that just slept for a..anng... a couple ***cough cough*** _hundred_ ***cough*** years." Wheatley faked a cough, sounding mortified.

Maybe if he had LUNGS it would have been convincing...as it was it was kind of pathetic.

Chell calmed her racing heart, snorting under her breath at Wheatley's unexpected entrance frightening her. If she was going to have a panic attack at the sight of that harmless looking little metal ball, she was probably going to flip out if someone showed her a picture of a kitten too. _'JESUS CHRIST LOOK AT THE FUR ON THAT KITTEN! We are all going to DIE! – Sarcasm... still valid'. _Chell found herself smiling a bit at her own panic. Toughening up her resolve, Chell entered through fallen metal beams into the room where the ASHPD podium was.

"There should be a portal device in that podium. Over there." He rolled upwards with a flick, gesturing into the room from his rail. "Then we can go around shooting holes in things- sort of. But _responsible_ holes, you know." He amended.

The portal device sat just where it had centuries ago, looking much the same as it had even then. It wasn't 'her' device, the number on the side of this one was barcode/06, instead of the /04 device she had used back then. The white metal of the ASHPD wasn't tarnished in the slightest, though a thin layer of dust and grime had dulled the coating to a gray. Striding forward eagerly, Chell lifted it and then slipped her hand into the trigger chamber. It was as familiar as a glove to her, a one size fits all model apparently.

"Oh _brilliant! _We've got it!" His eye focused on the ASHPD Chell held. "Aw, that just goes to show you – people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end, aren't they? At the end of the day, yeah?"

… Chell wanted to punch him in the head … just a little. But since he was ALL head, it would probably be a little rude. Plus, she'd probably hurt her own hand punching him. Instead she settled for looking over the portal device for any damage.

"Um... not exactly sure how it works actually. It requires hands, see... and I lack those attachments. So... um... ," Wheatley stared down at the human, unsure what to do.

Lifting her hand, she pointed the ASHPD at the wall and created the spinning blue portal by pulling the top most trigger located in the shell. The device, even after several hundred years, still worked flawlessly. If there was one thing Aperture did well, apparently it was build quantum defying guns! Laws of physics? We don't want those here! Get out, laws of physics, Aperture makes it's own rules!

"Oh! How about that. It works! And you know how to use it even. Must be user friendly!" Wheatley reasoned.

Spinning to the other side of the wall, she fired the orange portal as well. However, there was only an empty 'click' and nothing happened. The orange portal was broken, or disabled. The ASHPD was only half functioning.

Great.

"Well... I feel as I must reiterate. We're going to die." Wheatley gave a plaintive whimper.

Heaving a sigh, Chell shook her head. No. Surrender was not an option! She would climb the very walls themselves out of here if she had to. And one thing her memory reminded her: This place was too large to only have ONE way out. It was time to do some hardcore thinking. The woman donned a face of extreme concentration.

"Planning a way out, are you? OH! Here, I'll help you!" Wheatley said eagerly. Rolling down the track, he came to a halt right above her head, and then lowered himself down until his metal shell just rested slightly on her crown. "Ok. Now all you have to do is access my hard drive, and we'll think with the power of- oh wait... humans don't have wireless... that's right." The core suddenly remembered.

Chell felt she probably looked like some kind of idiot totem pole right now with the sphere sitting on her head. But she was too busy trying to break this room apart into something she could do to escape.

The door's controls had been severed during the rooms destruction. She had no way of opening that door, unless she was about to take several lessons in engineering repair. The only path to go on foot was backwards. Chell looked up to Wheatley, still balanced on her skull from the rail

_'What now? You know this place better than me, right?' _Chell's blue eyes peered up at him, almost pleading, wondering what he could suggest.

"Wot if you... just run into that wall really hard? Looks it to be ready to fall at the slightest knock?" The core offered.

The wall in question had lost most of the tiles, crumbling, ruined, but still made of metal and probably more than strong enough to hold up as Chell pancaked her self against it. The woman shook her head. Nope, nothing doing.

"Oh! You answered!... sorta. I guess the brain damage wasn't permanent. Can you say 'Apple' for me again? … wifout jumpin', I mean." Wheatley said rather excitedly.

Chell's voice was still mute, but she was clear headed enough to at least not hop around in panic again like the first time. Instead, she rolled her eyes and shook her head 'no'.

"I'll accept that as an improvement anyway." The core sounded slightly smug, as if by being a near Chell he had somehow managed a 'cure' for brain damage. "Still, you aren't much fer a conversationalist like this, are you?" His oddly placed British accent was mildly endearing, as was his inept helplessness even as he tried to aid her. Sure, half the time he made the problem WORSE... but it was better than lugging around the Companion Cube who she HAD mercilessly incinerated so long ago.

At least the cube was in a better place now. Cube Heaven. With all the cake it wanted.

However, they were still trapped in this dying and defunct lab, reminiscing on the past wasn't helping. Wheatley looked worried, his shuttered eyelids drawing together. "Ok, let me lay it on you here. They told me to _never, ever_ ever to disengage myself from my management rail. Or I would DIE. But... we're out of options here." He looked around the room himself. Chell blinked, her eyebrows rising upwards in surprise and concern. If an AI who could just be wrenched back together if broken was this concerned...

Chell didn't like the sound of his idea much. What if he DID die? Then she'd –she'd...

"Aww, hey hey don't look so upset there! I'm the one at risk." Wheatley made a sound of sympathy at Chell's sorrowed expression, but he hesitated. "Wait... are you worried for my sake?" He suddenly realized.

The human flushed in embarrassment. At least Companion Cube never pointed out the obvious like that!

"Wow, I've never had someone worry about me before!" Wheatley said brightly, sounding flattered. "Don't worry, I'm sure this plan will work. So, get ready to catch me, aw'right? Since you are the only one with arms, just – just do as best as you can manage with the brain damage you've got!"

The human's eyebrow twitched. Just a little.

Pausing to gather some nerve Wheatley nodded. "On five... or wait... on one. Lets count down. Five... Four... Three..." He voice rose in a panic and suddenly he paused. "Three and a haaaaalf. Three and a quarter... 3.14159265358-," As he rambled, he suddenly got locked into the value for pi.

_'Wheatley!' _Chell stomped her foot, shooting him an exasperated glare.

"One!" Wheatley suddenly ended his countdown, disengaging with a 'click'. "Catchmecatchme-catchme!"

Chell was looking up in a 'huh?' expression when the personality sphere smashed into her face.

… TECHNICALLY... she did catch him... but her face wasn't exactly a good surface to catch with so the sphere rolled off to the floor.

"AAHG!" Wheatley gave a loud yelp and Chell gasped in pain and a gravely, choked cry escaped her lips. The human stumbled and fell on her rear, both hands clutching her face as the ASHPD tumbled to the floor and Wheatley rolling along on the ground dazed.

"Ow... Ow." From the floor, eye first, Wheatley's voice sounded a bit hollow. Then he paused. "I... am not dead. I'm not dead!" Breaking into nervous laughter. "How you doin'?"

_'FAAAAACE!'_ Chell wanted to wail. Taking a 15 pound ball of metal to the face? She was lucky she didn't break a nose! She was slumped on the floor, both hands pressed into her face as she writhed a bit dramatically around.

"You didn't get more brain damage from that, did you?" Wheatley asked.

Well... that was always a possibility.

Wheatley seemed to be deep in thought, as if he recalled something deep in his little metal brain as Chell trembled on the floor, both hands rubbing at her forehead. "Hey... when two-um... humans... put their faces together... like that. – isn't it a... a... what's the word?" He seemed flustered, and a bit irritated he was forgetting.

Pushing herself to a sitting position, Chell pulled one hand from her face, a giant red mark on her forehead. Opening one eye, she peered down at him. _'A headbutt?'_

"Oh! I've got it. It's called a 'kiss' isn't it? Was- that thing we did, was that a kiss?" Wheatley asked, sounding completely obliviously.

Back to the floor, went Chell! Mostly out of an absolutely face-rolling horror and confusion that keeled her over.

"Oi, you aw'right down there?" Rolling over, small gyros spinning in Wheatley's metal frame, the core actually could move across the ground on his own. "Hmm, must be the brain damage."

There was no speaking or arguing with the little core. Chell felt more upset at herself that she couldn't speak than at Wheatley's idiotic suggestion. Or highly embarrassing suggestion more like it. Rubbing the last of the pain away leaving only a red splotch on her face, Chell looked over at the core wondering what exactly they were going to do now. She was fairly certain he wouldn't have died if pulled off the rail - but what did she know about such things. He could explode into confetti if he disconnected for all the logic this place had!

"Hmm, I think that plug is still active over here." Wheatley was staring at the wall, the blue aperture shrinking as his eye danced about. "Let me just- maybe I can... hold on." Rolling unsteadily, Wheatley's center most ring began to spin, stopping and quickly starting again rhythmically. Sitting next to him, Chell had no clue what the tiny little robot was attempting to do.

And the the wall opened to reveal a small computer and socket.

… That... was unexpected.

"It IS still active! Aw, spot of luck here! Quick-plug me in!" Wheatley looked up at Chell.

The human picked him up by the handles, not really sure on proper etiquette for carrying around an AI. Hopefully this wasn't the equivalent of carrying someone by their ears! This new plug and computer system was foreign to Chell though. And... she really didn't know how to use one either. So she kind of rammed Wheatley against it.

"Ow! Wait, no, not like that!" The core winced. "Augh, that's the wrong way. Turn me around. No wait, turn the plug around. Oh, the latch is down. Aha, should've known. Ok, so flip the latch, open it up,... and try again with less pain, please." He added abruptly.

Chell had to put Wheatley down to do all that. Kneeling beside the strange plug, she flipped some levers, turned the plug, dropped the latch and smacked it for good measure. The sensor lights on the panel suddenly light up. Ah yes. The good ole' standby. If poking it doesn't work... hit it.

"OH! There you go, hey that worked well, worked very well. Manual override on the console. I'll have to remember that." Wheatley rolled on the floor a bit as he sort of nodded.

Chell moved the personality core towards the plug, which came to life, lunged forward and latched onto Wheatley all on it's own.

_'Wow, okay... now what?' _Chell cocked her head at the bot.

"Okay, I'll hack the system and open us a way out. But first. Um... can -can you turn around?." Sounding bashful, Wheatley looked away from the woman. Chell raised an eyebrow. "Seriously, I'm not joking, can you just turn around for a second? Come on, two seconds of privacy, if you can?" Spinning his whole optic sensor, to indicate Chell needed to rotate away from him, he sounded even more embarrassed.

So Chell did... mostly so she could laugh without him seeing. That was... adorable. Yes, adorable in _'a small child who made you macaroni art and glued most of it to his shirt'_ kind of way, but still adorable.

The sound of several beeps came from the panel. Looking over her shoulder, Wheatley seemed to be beaming. Or as close to that sort of that expression a little round robot with a single eye could get. An access wall panel swung out to reveal a hallway of sorts. "Done! These panels are always hiding maintenance areas. Can't believe how lucky we are this one was still working." He probably would have been grinning if he had a mouth. The plug ejected the core, dumping him onto the floor. "Lets get outta here."

Chell was definitely all for this. With only half of a functioning portal gun, there was no point in wielding it just yet. Tucking the ASHPD in the knotted sleeves of her jumpsuit, Chell scooped up Wheatley with both arms and turned down the new passage. The core's eye zoomed about the new area, excited with the prospect of escaping.

This backroom was full of pipes, catwalks, and fuse boxes, obviously used for bringing things to the testing rooms automatically. None of it seemed to be working though. Tubes were jammed, everything was silent, and the only sounds were Chell's feet on the catwalk. Even in this back area, the destruction of many years past was evident. Rust coated much of the surfaces and crumbling walls broke sections of the cat walk in places.

Wheatley phrased it, "This place sure went down hill in a hurry."

Never mind the 'hurry' was over several hundred years.

Chell frowned, wondering if it really had been several HUNDRED years? So what happened to everyone outside of this place? … and... who was this _everyone _Chell was trying to remember? Family? She pretty sure she had family. Her memory had been fragmented and fuzzy during her the first sets of tests all those years ago. Something was missing in her head, now even worse after the long sleep.

Maybe it was brain damage.

… Best not to tell Wheatley that though. Who knows what sort of odd tangent he'd break into.

Then again, Chell couldn't tell Wheatley much of anything even if she wanted to. Her voice was frozen and words just wouldn't form, her throat ached and felt dry. Before the deep freeze sleep, Chell was at least sure she had a voice. Now she just couldn't even force words out, even as a whisper. But maybe she had been mute before?

Why were the memories so fuzzy?

"Hey, don't worry too much about it." Wheatley said, looking over Chell's distressed face and offered a soft encouragement. "I'm pretty sure the longest recorded cryo-sleep, until you manged to completely dash that record, was just ten years... and the human woke up as a mummified Popsicle with the lucid thoughts of a scrambled egg."

As disturbing at the thought was, the simple mention of food suddenly had her stomach roaring.

"... and the fact you have just done a sort of 'yummy' reaction at that description... I'll be honest, it's a bit weirding me out, you know." The blue core rolled his gaze to stare away from Chell in embarrassment.

Which, in turn, embarrassed Chell just a little.

Wheatley's blue eye narrowed... "Pudding." He suddenly blurted.

Chell's stomach rumbled again, louder this time.

The human jerked in alarm at the reaction, and then glared at Wheatley.

"Hahah! That was hilarious!" He exclaimed, his eyes drawing happily closed for a brief moment. "Oh, sorry, sorry. I'm done. Just joking around." He offered lamely.

The human huffed, patting her poor starving belly again.

"... Cake..." The personality core said.

"BBBARRRRRGGLGLLGLAARRRLRRRRLL." Chell's stomach recited.

_'OMFG, I WILL KILL YOU, METAL BALL.' _Chell grit her teeth, glaring at Wheatley in her arms, who was cackling as if Chell had just told some kind of epic joke. However much of her anger blew away as Wheatley spewed a giggled apology, sounding like he was still gently teasing her.

The social interaction, even if it was a little robot doing it, felt so very important, Chell decided to just turn the blind eye on her embarrassment in exchange for company. She most_ certainly_ wasn't smiling … at all... it was a trick of the light if it looked like she was... really!

But back to the issue at hand... where were they heading anyway?

The hall was overgrown with plans here too, birds and crickets chirps echoing in the halls. The water on the floor was fetid and discolored, but the water leaking from the vine leaves looked colorless and odorless. At this point, Chell gave one of the plants a curious tug, wondering if the vines could support her weight.

"W-wot are you doi-don't touch that! It might be poisonous! Or venomous, or cranky! Just best to leave it alone." Wheatley looked at the plant in mistrust. "I never trusted those green things much."

Raising a single eyebrow, Chell gave a snort, releasing the plant anyway. True, it could be a vine form of poison ivy and she'd never know... but the odds that it would kill her... probably low. And a whole hell of a lot lower than a giant psychotic computer declaring vengeance on Chell from beyond the grave even!

"Well." Wheatley sighed. "When we get out of here, promise me you won't go around eating every mushroom you see and licking uncooked meat or something. That's just not safe."

Chell almost laughed, instead coughing as her dry throat couldn't handle the sound of her chuckle. The AI sphere continued to voice his concerns about Chell not being prepared for 'the future'.

"After'all. This is the future. And everything wants to kill you in the future, right? That's how it works, isn't it? First there were dinosaurs. Killed by a rock. Then there were giant mammoths. Killed by cold and maybe by humans. And then there were humans... killed by machines. Err, some of the humans, that is! … and only the terrible machines did that. And I'm sure those machines got their comeuppance anyway, probably by the plants." Wheatley remarked.

Ok, where ever Wheatley was getting his information from? His logic made it sound like a overly-complicated game of paper-scissors-rock, only change in a few gestures for 'dinosaurs', 'murderous machines' and 'mammoths' for good measure. It sounded suspiciously like the internet was supplying him with facts... and did the internet even still exist hundreds of years in the future?

My god, the amount of cats with macros... it had to be blinding if the internet still existed.

… Rule 1 upon escaping: Don't let Wheatley see the internet. It probably wouldn't help anything.

Staring at her with his bright blue optic, Wheatley remained silent as Chell fought to muscle her way through a half collapsed hall, but his expression (or so Chell found his movements while he was talking was like an expression), showed hope as he watched her. It was actually quite embarrassing to have someone watch you as you walked like it was the greatest thing ever. They were just legs! And Chell had two (thank god, otherwise this would be a horrible trip) perfectly good legs with perfectly good boots, but was quickly becoming unnerved under Wheatley's stare. Chell suddenly understood the sphere's shyness at asking her to turn around so he could open the panel. Even trying to ignore his stare, the tips of her ears burned under an embarrassed blush as they traversed the hall.

The hall opened into another corridor with a view. A familiar view. The glass hall was over the near-bottomless massive room with a square modular building in the center. This was the hall that lead to the Aperture AI hub - GLaDOS's throne room.. Time has been cruel to the hub, twisting and warping the passage and shattering out most of the glass. Out of dread, both the AI and the woman were silent, Chell was carefully treading along towards the door so as not to make the ground creak.

And upon approaching the air lock to the hub, the door automatically groaned open.

The woman stepped back in surprise at the action and her heart accelerated into a frantic hammering. Wheatley suddenly blurted out, "Have you ever seen horror movies where someone goes 'I heard a sound behind us', and when everyone turns there's nothing there... and when they turn back it's in FRONT Of them? Well that's how THIS is! T-that's her room and s-she's right-here-and-we're-going-to-die and... oh wait... oh... sh-she's off. She's off, oh thank god, we're not going to die... _yet._" He rambled, spitting out the words in a jumbled rush which slowed back to a normal speed once he realized that no horrible death lay ahead.

The human bonked him above the optic with a palm. '_Dork'_. She gave a weak smile, and palmed the front of his optic closed for a moment. _'Did you have to add 'yet' to your sentence? Way to be creepy.' _

Wheatley gave an embarrassed laugh, stammering yet another apology for his completely lack of moxie. "S-sorry. Ha, not quite sure who was more alarmed there though. You looked white as a sheet, mate." The core tried to tease, but there was a constant shiver in his hull that made him look more nervous than anything.

The nervous feeling Wheatley felt was shared by Chell as they entered the hub. The room was FAR different than her last time here. There was no ceiling at all, the gaping hole from where Chell had blasted the roof off still open. Night was falling, and the sky above was dark. Everything was overgrown with plants... and most horrible of all...the curved white metal that was once GLaDOS's body was still visible. Cords still attached the curved head piece to the hanging AI system, but no power ran to it. Everything was toppled, and moss was slowly covering the surfaces. Water had gathered here as well, rusty and a little muddy, pooling in the head-piece of the ruined GLaDOS.

"There she is..." Wheatley said, almost reverently. "The old boss of this place. Boss of the castle... full of dragons. The... the dragon-boss, then." He shook his head. Chell cutting a wide circle around GLaDOS, traveling around the outermost side of the room to the back.

"Apparently the human that did this escaped and no one has seen him since. Managed to kill _the dragon_ and then vanished!" Wheatley whispered as Chell crept past the giant inert robot.

'Him'? … S-seriously? … wow. The age-of-information was over. Long live the age-of-derp. Chell sighed, more embarrassed than disappointed at the whole thing.

A garbled rush of words came from the sphere as he got his look at the crazed computer system. "I know you are a little scared of _her._ It's aw'right, though, we can pass by. _She_ is asleep. Or dead. … or maybe lying it wait for us to walk by." Wheatley stuttered, sounding nervous. "D-don't touch anything."

Chell had absolutely no intention of coming any closer than 20 feet to GLaDOS. And don't even think she'd poke her with a 20ft pole either. She'd seen her fair share of horror movies, she was sure in at least one of them poking your enemy could bring even the dead back to life. Nope. Staying faaaar away.

Approaching the back of the room, the wall that had once contained the incinerator had crumbled and a catwalk and stairs were exposed behind it. Each step and recoil from the longfall boots bounced Wheatley slightly under Chell's arm as she descended the staircase.

"Ok... down these stairs." The sound of metal pieces rotating as Wheatley spun around to take a look came from her back. Reaching an area where the stairway suddenly was gone, Chell startled a little when Wheatley called out, "A-aw'right, we'll jump down on the count of three."

Wheatley blurted out, his verbal dam open as he gushed forth with nervous chatter. "That should be e-enough time there. Count of three. Yeah. Ok, so here we go. One...-,"

The woman pushed off the metal scaffolding and jumped into dead air without giving any warning.

"-twoooAOAHHH! OOOF!" The impact wasn't noticeable at all, the boots absorbing Chell's fall and bending under her feet, but the little AI still gave a grunt from the landing. "Are w-we still alive? Alive, yes? Survived a lethal fall, then? E-excellent." And then he gave a massive sigh of relief. "Thought perhaps your counting could use some work." Wheatley said, giving her a look.

Chell gave an amused laugh.

Wheatley's eye brightened. "Oh! Laughing! Y-you were—wait, were you laughing at me?" He asked a little wary, but before Chell could even pantomime otherwise, he decided – apparently- that it was alright if she had a laugh at him. After all, he had pretty much laughed himself to rebooting at her already. Ah, human body functions... when AREN'T they funny to robots?

Tucking Wheatley under her arm against her hip again, Chell figured it was best to keep an eye on him rather than wield just half the ASHPD. Unless the other half was just ahead, the gun was useless with only one unconnected portal.

"I can't believe I'm actually escaping. We're going to make it out!" Wheatley chattered excitedly. "I have no clue at all what the outside is like! Never been there. Always wanted to though." His eye looked up at Chell, almost glowing with anticipation.

Always paranoid to save any celebrating for when the end was truly in sight, Chell gave Wheatley a wistful smile. The problem with their current escape plan was that ahead lie a dead-end. The catwalk terminated into a small room, which was a small circular chamber. It was jam packed full of switches... oh wait, they were fuse breakers, weren't they? Wheatley's gaze dropped from Chell to the room. "Oh! That's it! That's what we want. It's the main breaker room."

This room? … a way out? Well... ok. Chell moved forward into the small round room. And then a metal grate slammed shut behind her, trapping her in.

Doors slamming shut behind you had so far NEVER been a good thing.

"Wait, it's okay! Just look for a switch that says Emergency Escape Pod. Aw'right? Don't touch anything else. The escape pod takes us right from _her_ chamber to the surface. Handy that, eh?" Wheatley's eye rolled from switch to switch, trying to spot it.

Pale blue light from his optic wasn't nearly enough to illuminate anything, and Chell hefted Wheatley into the crook of her arm to lean over the sphere and read the labels on each breaker. The light was dim. Age had wiped many of the labels on the fuses off, leaving no trace of what the blown fuses controlled. And why were so many of these fuses blown? Something big must have happened to pop so many. Chell had barely managed to scan the very first row of circuits before looking up the next, … and then her gaze rose skywards.

It was fuses all the way up!

And they only wanted to flip ONE? Ah geez. Chell sighed, _'Needle in a haystack. A haystack made of fuses... and the needle is ALSO a fuse.'_

"You know what, I'll turn on the light. Plug me in to that thingy there, and I'll take care of it." At his words, the control panel near Chell's feet sprang to life, the plug sticking out to attach Wheatley to. Maybe he could scan the systems and tell her which one was the Escape Pod fuse as well. Chell was more careful this time to plug him down.

_**POP.**_ The lights came on all at once, brightening the tunnel to a more visible level. "It worked! I love it when it works." The metal ball stumbled over his words again, almost in disbelief that the lights had obeyed him. Without thinking, Chell reached down at pat him on the head again, looking at more of the fuses for labels.

Suddenly the floor was shaking, the platform was turning. "Oh lookit that," Wheatley said, his voice high with alarm, "Are we supposed to be turning?"

When had NOTHING ever resulted from touching anything in this place? Chell went rigid, one hand still on Wheatley as she stared around in alarm.

"B-but probably fine, you know, as long as this doesn't start... movin' up.." Wheatley murmured.

_'No... no he had NOT just said that. Did he REALLY just say that?'_ Chell began to pray that you couldn't jinx yourself in the-

The platform began to rumble.

_'OH MY GOD, NO.'_

"Now... escape pod, escape pod..." While Wheatley looked around himself, a bleating alarm went off. Chell could see the obvious. Something BAD was going to happen. Reaching down, she seized Wheatley with both hands and tried to yank him free from the system before the 'bad' turned in to 'Super-bad'. "Oi ow... wot are you doin'?" The metal ball winced.

The platform rumbled again... rising upwards.

"It's... it's moving up." Blue optic suddenly narrowed in alarm. "It's moving up? D-do-do-don't worry! Don't worry! I've-got-it-I've-got-it-I've-got-it!" He rambled, the sound of characters being entered into a menu beeped as he fiddled with something.

Don't worry? Half the time touching things in this place lead to death! Or fire! Or fiery death!

"This should slow it down." The command seemed to be accepted and the platform stopped rising and rotated slightly. The two of them were silent for a moment.

Then the platform rumbled again, rotated, and shot upwards. "AH... makes it go faster." He metal ball mumbled. Neither could do anything but watch as the lip of the platform caught every fuse and flipped every circuit breaker back on. ALL OF THEM.

"Uh oh." Understatement of this strange new year... goes to Wheatley. Chell would teach him not to taunt fate later. The platform stopped moving...and the two escapees found themselves back in the hub. GLaDOS's disabled body lie just feet ahead of them.

_'Wait... were all those fuses that just got flipped... were they all to-' _Chell's heart tried to beat a frantic escape through her ribcage. Failing to do that, it decided to hide in her stomach somewhere behind her kidneys. Or at least, that's what it felt like.

"Powerup initiated." An automated system declared... and the metal shell of GLaDOS body began to move...

_'… I am going to die.' _Every muscle was locked and taut, but Chell could not move. She couldn't raise the ASHPD, but it wouldn't do her any good with only one portal. She couldn't escape! There was the sound of a deep thrumming... one by one breakers kicking on in a slowly cycling beat.

Like a heartbeat of a massive beast. Growing faster... and faster.

Chell was not above running for her life at this point.

Reaching down, the human forcefully removed Wheatley from the control panel and dashed. "Ahg! W-wot are we doing? Are we running?" Wheatley's eye shot back to watch the massive DOS body in horror. Chell had every intention of leaving back through the hallway at the entrance to the hub. Skidding to a halt in front of the door, Chell found it wasn't just closed... it was sealed. The entire system had locked down for re-initialization!

GLaDOS had retracted that giant white head-piece back... closer to the cords. The metal gouged against the rust and dirt on the ground, leaving clean scratches as it was pulled. The sounds of wires being winched in and the deep thrumming of generators as they kicked on pierced the air. The eye piece flickered gold, and then dimmed, repeating this several times, but never quite lighting up brightly enough.

Not active yet...

"H-hide! Go hide somewhere!" Wheatley stammered, his eye never leaving GLaDOS.

There wasn't enough time to run all the way across the room and dive back down the stairs to the breaker room again. Hide it was!

Chell slung herself over a fallen chunk of rubble, the core tucked in her arms as she slammed her back against the wall and squirmed against some iron bars in an attempt to make herself as difficult to see as possible. GLaDOS body was being pulled into the air, turning so she was resting in her normal position again. Her head still swung lifelessly... maybe she was still broken?

"Power up Complete."

Chell's heart stopped. Honestly. Just stopped. GLaDOS was rotating wildly, the sound of systems now powering up was reaching a crescendo.

Wheatley was trembling, his metal shell shaking as he closed his eye tightly.

… There were no words. Chell... couldn't move. Couldn't speak.

"Generic Lifeform system... sequential system boot up beginning. Are you ready?" The automated system queried.

From her hiding place, Chell could see as GLaDOS swung about, casting her gold eye around the room and looking at the destruction left from their last fight and the decay of the room. "Yes. Bring up status on all Relaxation Value contents. Search for...," However, the AI paused.

Her eye swung to look right to where Chell was hiding.

Chell's heart tried to quit. And the human's body essentially said _'You can't quit! You're fired!'_ and went into shock at that moment as well.

However, the AI's roving eye moved on, searching the rubble systematically. "ID core... your signal can be read in this room. Why are you in here?" GLaDOS didn't sound happy. In fact, she sounded murderous.

ID... core? … oh jesus, she could detect Wheatley! How many other cores could be in this room?

Chell curled her arms around Wheatley tighter and sort of hunched over him, as if the flesh of her body could conceal his signal to the AI. Wheatley was shivering, the metal plates vibrating with horror as GlaDOS now searched for him.

"I don't want to go out there. P-please, don't let her find me." Wheatley whispered, his blue eye looking up at Chell pleading.

There was a high pitched whine as suddenly rubble was being lifted nearby, swung through the air and then tossed into the incineration chamber. GLaDOS was systematically clearing the ruin from her room, still looking very near them. Just being silent wasn't going to work, the AI KNEW they were there! And given enough time, she would dig them out.

If Wheatley was discovered she would be too! … And Chell wasn't going to abandon a friend.

The human pulled herself from her hiding place, standing boldly in plain sight with the core in her arms still trembling.

The giant computer was staring.

And GLaDOS made a single sound... "Oh." And then the toned voice grew horrifically cool. "It's _you._"

Well... at least Chell had the knowledge she had blown this computer up once before she would be killed.


	3. Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey

**I apparently subsist on overtime at work. And have been equally distracted with art. And video games. And cats who do HORRIBLE THINGS! (anyone want a couple of cats with the intelligence of toddlers who can open doors?) **

**If it's not obvious by the end of this chapter, there is a slight adjustment to escaping Aperture, which makes this AU'ish.**

**Sarcasm Still Valid**

**6/4/11 – Edit 7/20/11**

* * *

><p>A giant killer computer system with a single gold eye and a grudge stared down at the human and personality core who had been hiding behind rubble in the hub.<p>

She was NOT a happy computer.

"You know her?" Wheatley hissed to Chell, more in amazement than horror that he _should_ have felt if he really knew her.

Chell swallowed, not hearing him. Instead, she backed up a single step, trying to hide the core behind her. It was a futile gesture though, Wheatley was too large to hide behind her back.

"I didn't expect you to be crawling around in my chamber. Especially not since you decimated it previously." GLaDOS pivoted forwards, eye only on Chell. "How have you been?"

If Chell's mind had been just a little _less_ tempered by panic, she might have had a retort in her mind like _'I'm good. Got exploded to the surface, took a nap, woke up a few hundred years later... How you doing?'. _But as it was, her mind was really only thinking one thing, _'I bet people at Black Mesa don't have to deal with this.'_ … There would be irony somewhere in that statement. You be the judge of that though...

GLaDOS twisted her head-piece forward, glaring with her muddied gold eye for all she was worth. "I've been really busy being dead. You know... after you _murdered me_." The cold tone was back... and Chell broke into goosebumps. Oh crap... vengeful computer.

"You did WOT?" Wheatley wailed.

There was the sound of a metal winch throwing out line and Chell had only a moment to look up to see a metal claw with it's grip open before it slammed into her and drove her to the ground. Wheatley was knocked from her arms by the blow, tumbling across the ground with a yelp. The vise-like grip clenched over Chell's ribs, driving the air from her with a sharp squeeze. A second claw dropped, scraping sparks against Wheatley as it closed on him as well. "No! No! Nonononono!" The metal ball cried out. Chell tried to grab him as he was dragged up, leaning as far as she could in the iron grip of the claw, but both were towed away and he was out of her grip by mere inches. Terrified, Wheatley could only repeat 'no' as he was hauled further and further from Chell's reach.

And then then claw squeezed him, denting his metal shell with only the slightest pinch as a warning. Wheatley fell silent with a grunt, his blue aperture a small dot of fear as he looked sideways at GLaDOS. He was trembling in panic, convinced they were both going to die here. The cold claw gripping Chell tightened, and her ribs ached as flesh was crushed against bone. Ow, those were her ribs... she probably needed them.

"Ok, we both said a lot of things that you are going to regret," GLaDOS funneled her full ire onto Wheatley. Malevolent. Vengeful. And then-

Chell raised two fingers to her mouth, jammed them in and let out an ear piercing whistle somewhere between the range of a tea kettle boiling and a dog whistle.

_FWEEEEEE!_

GLaDOS halted, her attention off the half crushed core in her claws the the human in her other. She swayed forward, bringing her gold eye closer. "You have something you wish to... say?" the AI asked.

Nodding, Chell was frantic. She couldn't have her friend destroyed (her sanity probably depended on it). The only friend she had made in this hell-hole. She might have only known the sphere for a few hours, but losing him _wasn't_ an option! Pointing to Wheatley, who hung helpless and terrified in the claw, Chell then rolled her palm towards herself in an exaggerated 'giving' motion. Then, she took her other hand, pointed to herself, and then made the 'giving' motion to GLaDOS.

_'If you give me Wheatley, I surrender to you.'_ Chell was saying. She was giving up... like some kind of Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey (sorry France, no hard feelings), in hopes of saving the little robot. It was essentially a bluff though. After all, GLaDOS had Chell effectively captured... and would she believe the human if she said she surrendered back into testing? The prospect of surrender left a disgusting and cold imprint on her mind. Chell had never even considered surrender before, yet now for a round piece of metal and wires she had known for all of a few hours, she was desperate enough to give up.

With one of the greatest processors in the world, GLaDOS had no problem interpreting the human's gesture's into words. But she took a peculiarly long time while she looked at Chell. The gold eye swung from the half crushed metal ball, over to the human, and then down to the ASHPD in Chell's hand.

"Very well." GLaDOS reached a decision, rolling her body on the pivot to the din of bending and squealing metal to look at Chell. "But... I need to make a few adjustments first to... your friend."

"Nononono." Wheatley's blue eye was locked onto Chell, pleading and horrified.

That wasn't part of the deal! Chell was trying to figure out a way to say _'Over my dead body'_ without unintentionally saying _'kill me now, I am squishy.' _

GLaDOS apparently could see the distress on the human's face and relished in it. "Oh, you were worried about this? Don't worry. It is valuable Aperture Science testing equipment. I wouldn't... damage it." Her voice was saccharine and snide at the same time. "Just a quick adjustment, and then into testing for the _**both**_ of you." The female voice suddenly plunged an octave, hitting the word much lower than her normal level of monotone.

Wheatley gave a squeak.

GLaDOS suddenly swung Chell across the room, locked in the cold iron grip of the claw. Second time today she'd been treated like a prize in a claw game... god damn robots.

A series of metal bars rose out of the floor, spanning all the way up to the ceiling and then a iris in the ground opened, allowing an elevator into the room. The human felt the horrible sting of defeat – that was the elevator Wheatley had wanted to take to the surface... wasn't it? It had been here the whole time, just under the dirt-caked floors. How ironic, it was now going to drag her back into the grip of testing instead of freedom.

No one likes irony much. Those that say they do are just being ironic themselves.

The claw swung sideways, slamming Chell into the elevator and dazing her against the wall. Sliding down to the floor, stunned and breathless, the human could only stare ahead as her senses tried to gather. She could see Wheatley, still clutched in one of the heavy claws in the air. Blue optic met cool gray eyes in a shared look of horror and disbelief between human and machine.

"See you together in testing..." GLaDOS hummed melodically.

The elevator started to descend.

It was a good five minutes of travel, and Chell expected it to be in complete and oppressive silence. Already she missed Wheatley's constant chatter. However, she would have preferred the silence if she had known better. GLaDOS opened a communication line directly with the small tube elevator and startled Chell so badly the human fumbled forward and slammed face first into the glass tube wall.

"The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device is not functioning properly, is it? No, I don't think so... otherwise you would have escaped from that room before I had come back online. Unless you've lost your touch." The computer's voice was critical. "Go figure. Take down only the most powerful computer in the existence of man-kind, and then decide 'that's good enough for science' and quit. Why not just go burn some libraries and destroy a few universities while you are at it- set mankind back even _further."_

Ah, the sound of a bitter and angry computer. Chell could remember it just like it was yesterday (which TECHNICALLY for her it was. So much for her victory after-glow of defeating _her, _god-dammit). However, the AI didn't have time to chat much further before the elevator stopped on a blank floor. It looked much like the hub far above, but there was simply nothing here. No doors. No halls. No... well... anything. Surely this wasn't a test, was it? The human peered into the room curiously.

A section of the wall folded downwards, revealing several segmented mechanical arms. "Surrender the Aperture Science Handheld Portal device to the maintenance section before you damage company property _further_ or cause an event horizon to explode in your face." GLaDOS made a small movement with the arms.

Chell held the portal device to her chest, staring at the tools ahead of her in distrust. Where was Wheatley?

One of the arms reached out, waiting for the human to pass the device over. "If you are holding out for that core, he's already been transported to testing. And the longer you take giving me the ASHPD, the longer he will have to probably kill himself. Horribly. In a fire, if I had to guess." GLaDOS said. The 3-tine arm made another 'give me' motion towards the ASHPD.

Reluctantly, Chell passed her only means of defense to a computer that probably wanted to see as a red smear across the floor.

So it was a few minutes later that the ASHPD was returned, both portals in working condition. Without a single sign of shaking hands or hesitation, Chell picked up the portal device with more bravado than she felt. "Now the portal device has been repaired, we can begin **testing** again." The AI seemed to enjoy just SAYING that more than she should have. Chell was now WELL into the realm of 'creeped-the-hell-out'.

"Seeing as how I haven't seen you in the past **[data corruption] **years, this is a good opportunity for us to catch up." There was a jagged spike of automated words, jamming themselves into the sentence where a number should have been.

Chell gave a gloomy sigh, and then waited for the taunting to being, wondering where she was supposed to go now. This maintenance hub was devoid of any sort of escape.

"Here, let me get that for you." Tiles collapsed from the wall, revealing a hall through the shifting panels. It seemed an altruistic action... 'helping' someone who had destroyed you once to get further along... if Chell wasn't full aware GLaDOS had tests ahead that were meant to probably grind her into a paste.

Still, don't look a gift horse/computer in the mouth. Chell gripped the repaired ASHPD protectively and marched down the hall.

GLaDOS was silent for a bit, apparently fixing something or observing in silence as she was prone to do. "How is it that you get frozen down to a molecular level for an extended length of time... and wake up more or less in one piece and looking BETTER than when you were put in there? Yet I wake up and find someone has exploded most of my armor panels and ruined countless functions in this system. Can you imagine who would do such a cruel thing?" The AI lamented, sounding cross.

There was a single beat of silence. "You know, if I were after fairness rather than science, I would reciprocate what you did. _I __**would **_use all of my systems to device a punishment that could make what you did to me look like _**cake**__._" Again, the voice modulator had a hiccup, dropping from the normally high auto-tuned voice to a much lower and ominous one.

The forced test subject froze, half afraid movement would spurn the computer into crushing her with panel arms.

"Luckily, I'm a bigger person than that. I'm happy to put all this behind us and get back to work. After all-," The voice sounded pleased, "We have a lot of science to get done, and only sixty more years to do it." GLaDOS paused. "More or less. You probably have fewer years than that left on your dreadfully short lifespan, after being thawed from your sleep like a slab of meat."

Not for the first time, Chell wondered if GLaDOS had plans beyond testing and the immediate death of her. … it seemed like the AI just implied that she intended to keep the human alive for the rest of her natural life in this horrific place. Good god, if Chell was forced to test this for the rest of her life... no, it had to be another attempt to ruse her into something.

The hall was in just as bad of ruin as the rest of the lab, fallen and crumbled tiles everywhere. The giant computer was constantly moving panel arms, sweeping rubble and fallen panels into hidden compartments and opening tubes leading to a vacuum tunnel and sucking away the wreckage. It gave the appearance of someone frantically cleaning their house after guests had arrived unexpected.

BEEP! Vrrrr-**KLANG!**

Chell nearly jumped out of her skin, twisting the portal gun around and firing one at random on a portal surface nearby and throwing herself through a hastily placed portal next to her. But the sound was just another panel arm losing power, a red light reading standby flickering slightly. The woman had emerged in the corner of the darkened hall, shivering slightly.

Screw 60 years. Chell was going to have a heart attack due to panic in the next 10 minutes!

"So jumpy. You really need to calm down. It's not good for you to be so nervous." GLaDOS had an amused tone hum over the PA. "It's bad for your ... _~ testing~._" Static burst over the speakers before GLaDOS finished her sentence. Odd... it sounded like the word 'testing' had been forced into a completed sentence, replacing whatever word was supposed to be there.

As the computer continued to pull panels out of the way, Chell was given access to a set of doors. "Despite the fact you killed me, threw me into a fire, and then tried to use that moronic AI to escape, I'm **GlaD**. Because-," The voice paused, having a slight burst of static again.

Chell halted again, not wanting to listen. Really. But she found herself drawn to anyway.

"-the important thing is that you came back. To me. And now I have your new friend, ensuring a constant testing cycle. So there is nothing to stop us from testing for the _rest of your life_."

...Chell wished she hadn't just heard that. If she were to make a Creepy-o-Meter rating, with a 1 being an awkward silence and a 10 being some kind of overweight balding male standing behind her breathing heavily... it was an 11.

Entering the elevator ahead, Chell slumped against the wall and slid to sit on the floor as it began to rise. When had her life become a plaything for a killer AI? Closing her eyes, Chell tried to calm her thoughts before the first of GLaDOS's tests (read: Death Trap) was about to start. The trip seemed far too short, and ended after only a few seconds.

The elevator came to a halt, but Chell remained frozen on the floor as she tried to gather wits.

"You are dawdling. Perhaps it would be best if I simply sent this damaged Aperture Science Personality Core into redemption and-,"

GLaDOS didn't even have a chance to finish, Chell charged through the door, almost smashing against it as it opened slowly.

The room was a shambled mess, broken observation windows plastered the top of the walls, water was sloshing against the far end of the test chamber, brown and foul runoff.

There was a deep splash, the sound of something heavy making a 'plonk' sound in the test chamber.

Chell nearly jumped out of her skin, whirling around with the ASHPD level and prepared to dodge through the portals to safety. Something had just fallen into the water. The water glowed slightly, distorted by ripples from her angle. Creeping closer with the tip of her boot just inches from the water, Chell leaned over the pool and looked down.

There was a blue and soaked optic staring at Chell from under about a foot of liquid.

Wheatley!

Stumbling forward, almost getting the springy heel of the longfall boot caught in rubble, Chell splashed through the water and jammed her arm in to catch the handle on the side of the core. Hauling him out, the blue optic was dancing with amazement and quickly shrank to a tiny blue dot. "Y-you FOUND me!" He gasped.

Soaking or not, Chell drew the core against her in a hug, trying not to drop the ASHPD. The lab rat rocked back and forth a few seconds at the relief he hadn't been crushed. Wheatley's metal shell was pouring water down her jumpsuit pants and yet that hardly seemed to matter. Chell quickly gave a furtive laugh as a grin began to spread on her face. She wasn't alone now. A loopy grin finally took place on her face.

There was a whirring noise from a camera, and a red eye was now watching. "**[Test Subject Name]**'s reaction upon being presented with a valuable Aperture Science Testing Protocol Partner is not within testing parameters. You. Less happy. Now." GLaDOS insisted.

Even GLaDOS's firm insisted instruction for 'less happy' didn't wipe the relieved and weak smile from Chell's face as she released her death grip hug on Wheatley for a casual grasp of his metal shell.

"Ah-h, you were... were worried about me. Again." Wheatley fumbled for words, his blue eye suddenly darting about the room nervously, anywhere but Chell.

Chell tipped Wheatley sideways, pouring water out of him. "Ick! Good thing I'm waterproof. Mostly. I think." He gasped at the odd sensation of water sloshing around. "... is this testing?"

The room gave a sudden tremor, and the two receiving and docking bay for what used to be energy pellets retracted into the ceiling. Chell stepped back, twisting her arms to keep Wheatley shielded between her and this moving apparatus now sliding down into the room.

GLaDOS's voice suddenly cut in with a wave of static, as if she had been interrupted mid-sentence and they only caught the last bit. "-Which involves deadly lasers. And how test subject react when locked in a room with deadly lasers."

_'… DEADLY WHAT NOW?'_

The new apparatus sudden light red, a beam shining onto the bare panel floor.

"Oh, don't touch that, I bet -," Wheatley suddenly fell silent with a 'pop', as if he had just lost power. And the thought startled Chell so badly to hear him just STOP, she grabbed him by the handle and swung him around to stare into his eye.

However the blue eye was still alight, but it was dancing around the room in confusion, and the metal shutter lids drew downwards in worry as he failed to produce a single sound.

"OH finally. In order to keep testing protocol that there is silence during testing, a limit of 25 words has been placed on the metal ball to keep him shut up for the time being." GLaDOS gave a sigh. "Upon completing testing, the limit is removed, and upon starting, it is placed on again. Only between testing will you be tormented with his inane babble. … Enjoy your psychological tests as well." GLaDOS's voice rumbled in the small room.

Now both Wheatley and Chell, rendered mute, were left to stare in silence at this test and each other. Mostly with Wheatley watching Chell as she surveyed the facility.

_'It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum!' _Chell thought, grimly, holding the ASHPD in one hand and Wheatley in the other. _'And bubble gum probably doesn't exist in the future.'_

The first test was not the kind of death trap promised. A simple 'laser goes in, laser comes out' test. Chell fired two portals and the test was over.

"Not bad. Death seems to have wiped my test building skill at building deadly traps. Hmm, I'll have to fix that. And I may need to reduce the size of the Aperture Science Testing Protocol Partner as well. He is too large for you to carry through testing. I bet I could compact him down-" GLaDOS's camera focused at Wheatley, who broke into a shudder.

Throwing both her arms over the sphere, Chell walked quickly to the exit and left the testing chamber through the Emancipation Grill. There was the familiar tingle of electricity and then suddenly as if a cork had been removed, Wheatley was talking all at once.

"Oh god, I'm sososorry!" The sphere wailed. "She wasn't supposed to wake up, and you weren't supposed to go back into testing. We were supposed to get out... why do all my plans go wrong?" His eye dimmed slightly, looking down to the floor.

Chell was still trying to find a way to carry Wheatley and have both hands for the ASHPD, or run the risk of GLaDOS taking him and compacting him down or something much worse. But before she did anything, she put the portal gun down and pulled the core into another hug.

"You... like these hug things, don't you?" Wheatley asked, his eye peering out from her arms.

The human gave a huff of laughter, eventually nodding. Then she reached down and pat him carefully on the white metal shell. However that was when she noticed the damage.

There were cracks in his optic, spanning almost the whole way across. And the metal was dented and buckling. His lower most handle had almost torn off, holding by the left side only. And there was some sort of pry mark at one of the metal seams at the top of his hull, as if something had forced his metal shell open... probably to install the '25-or less words' program into him.

"Oi... wots wif that face?" Wheatley suddenly spoke, the upper eyelid lowering in confusion. Then he grew suddenly modest, trying to brush off the attention. "I'm – I'm fine. Th-they're battle scars! Make me more han'some, right?" He gave a dull laugh. "I lived. You lived. W-we just have to get out of here now, right? Com'mon, stop being worried for me, and start worrying about yourself! I'm bullet proof. Mostly. 67% bullet proof anyway. But you aren't." Wheatley gave a plaintive sound. His babble was entirely for the sake of the mute human, who had looked so distraught when he had fallen silent in testing – just like her.

Putting on a brave charade for the human he was now in charge of leading through testing, Wheatley tried to manage a smile in his voice. But it came out sounding rather … flat. Desperate.

This time, Chell gave him a real smile. If he was worried, she'd do what she did best... persevere. And with the maximum amount of sarcasm mankind could offer. As long as the little blue sphere kept talking to her, even just 25 words at a time... she'd go through just about anything that could be thrown now.

And even without the ability to say any of that... somehow Wheatley understood her message.

And he probably would have been blushing if he had the ability to do so.


	4. Death by love

**Ha, originally I didn't write this with Wheatley tagging along. Just constantly poking his little round sphere through panels as Chell tested and whispered. However, there's no way the all-seeing DRAGON of Aperture isn't going to notice that. Thus, Wheatley was thrown into testing as well. Good luck, you bastard! Hope your flashlight can save you now hahahahaHAHAAHA! (whew, evil is exhausting)**

**I love Co-op mode. I love it very much. But my co-op partner is prone to playing on an idiot lappy, and dying repeated. Haha! I think she threw herself against a wall, dying 7 times in a row (and killing me once in the process) before we finally managed to finish the test without lag. Dying is the best part.**

**Sarcasm Still Valid**

**6/5/11 - Edit 7/21/11**

* * *

><p>Chell solved the problem of how to carry Wheatley on the elevator to the next test. Folding the upper portion of her jumpsuit out behind her, Chell knotted the sphere into the back with the sleeves so he hung just behind her like a low slung pack. Wheatley was free to move slightly to get a view around Chell, but he couldn't be shaken or jostled free.<p>

"Oh-oh! I see! Clever. Yes. Using wot you've got an all. And fashionable! Latest rage in Paris... or sometfin'. Sorry, don't know much about clothes. Don't normally go about wearing them, you see." Wheatley gave a chuckle. "Does it suit me?" The sphere rolled about in his white metal shell and jostling the orange cloth knotted around him.

Chell laughed again, shaking her head. But orange suited very few people, so it was no loss there.

"So you have resolved the problem with carrying your Testing Protocol Partner on your own? Good. Then I don't have to spend the resources on a disposable testing aid." GLaDOS watched from the red eye of a camera as Chell left the elevator, Wheatley glaring at the camera from behind.

"You know, if you gave me legs, I could-I... wouldn't have to be carried! I can help!" Wheatley's shutters glared at bit at the camera's red eye staring at them.

There was a pause, and then a low chuckle. "You? Help? Please. I did all I could to aid my favorite test subject by making it so you _couldn't_ get in the way." GLaDOS slid the door open to the next test. "After you." The female voice was cool, frigid, and probably promising a painful death if testing didn't start soon. Chell merely set her shoulders and entered the room with a determined expression.

The next test, according to GLaDOS, involved something about thermal discouragement redirection cubes to redirect thermal discouragement lasers? Did Aperture have to hire the entire Department of Redundancy Department and employ them to name EVERYTHING?

Wheatley sighed. "Uhg, wot a name... I think I'll call them … emo cubes. Those little emo boxes are used to discouragement!" He burned up 18 of his allotted 25 words, apparently not counting any sort of unintentional groans or sounds made.

And with a snort, Chell found herself agreeing just a little. Emo cubes it was! Though it was more like a weighted cube with mirrors on all sides than honestly what Chell was picturing. And if one was wondering just WHAT the human was thinking... put a black and unkempt hairstyle on a cube... and some white pancake makeup. Yeah. Because stereotypes are still fun, even in the future.

_'Cheer up, Emo-cube!' _Chell lifted the mirrored surface, tossing it into the laser's path, _'Vaporization is better than being crushed ANY day of the week.'_

"Careful! Careful now, don't burn yourself on-," Wheatley's voice went silent –25 words- right as Chell adjusted the 'emo cube' to bounce the laser into the receiving pod for it. Wheatley gave a sigh of disappointment at his lack of words. But there was only one more portal fired and then the test was solved and done.

"Well done." GLaDOS sounded bored. "Actually – no. I won't congratulate you for such a remedial test. I think we are both beyond such pleasantries anyway. You can just keep testing and I will stop enhancing the truth, instead of padding your ego." However, GLaDOS kept the door to the test room closed, forcing Chell to remain where she stood. It did leave the human wondering if GLaDOS wanted to have yet another rant at her expense since she wasn't being permitted to proceed onwards yet.

Seeing no alternatives, the human sighed and held her arms outwards as if making herself a larger target. _'Ok, computer. Have at it.' _It was only verbal abuse after all. _'Bullets and bottomless pits may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.'_

"I think I'll be brutally honest. All you are good for is testing. It's a human trait to be remedial in all things, except for the pursuit of science. Name just one thing you've done right. In fact, I'll put a stake against it. Name just one thing that you have done right, and I'll even _let you go_." GLaDOS taunted.

That was... unfair. First, Chell had no voice to speak with!

And second, she couldn't remember anything of her past at all, other than this facility.

And third, her crowning glory of destroying the central computer of Aperture? … Completely undone by a single accident. The AI just kept coming back like a weed!

So... Chell couldn't think of anything. Escape from the tests? She might have gotten free of a few, but so did the unknown man who made tiny little dens and murals on the walls. She was adept at solving the tests, but that was exactly what GLaDOS was trying to say – that was her ONLY accomplishment. Chell had no achievements, at least none she could recall. A snide little voice in her head reminded her that just pushing endlessly forward didn't make someone special: just pigheaded. A cloud of funk settled over the human as she struggled to remember ANYTHING worthwhile. Being alive seemed like an achievement... but the only person it would benefit would be herself.

"I thought as much." GLaDOS purred, opening the door to the corridor and letting them pass in silence.

Slumping through the blue glimmering grill in a rush to escape the test chamber, Chell felt browbeaten and worn. Wheatley's word count was reset with an electric crackle and he instantly began to speak all in a rush, as if he had compressed his entire sentence into a few seconds of speech in his haste.

"_She always lies, don't listen to her," _Wheatley rushed the words out. "J-just repeat that! Well... not aloud of course. But-but think it!"

Strange, but with that phrase memories lost with sleep surfaced. That was the same mantra Chell had used to ride through testing, breaking down traps without hearing GLaDOS's furious passive aggressive remarks. It would have been nice to have that mantra up and in place before GLaDOS proceeded to start destroying the lab rat's confidence though.

"I-I... You know, it's just my observation but I-," The core stumbled over his words, awkwardly. Chell reached back and her hand found the cool metal behind her as she gave him a reassuring pat. "-I'm really really glad you saved me. That counts for something, right?" Wheatley finished timidly.

Having a friend with always counted for something.

* * *

><p>The test for the next room was still assembling itself. Platforms raised, lasers were turning on, and there was a headache inducing racket. "Auhg! Too loud! Can't even hear myself think!" Wheatley winced, the sound grating on his sensitive hearing.<p>

"Think? _Please. _When to you ever _listen _to yourself thinking normally?" GLaDOS gave a snort, cameras of the room swinging to observe the two test subjects.

"Why YOU... I oughta-," Wheatley glared at the camera, but Chell's hand coming around and cupping over his optic shut him up again... Stopping him from wasting words he probably should be spending on helping. Or on just... being Wheatley.

The door behind them slammed shut... 25 word count was now started, and if GLaDOS was running a timer on them (she was probably running three different ones), it had just begun as well. However the sound of squealing metal and concrete slamming into concrete was beyond deafening and was causing an epic headache. Chell felt like her brain was trying to punch its way out of her skull, flip her off, and then stalk out of the room without her. Such dissidence in body parts these days-

Chell spotted a section of wall that had collapsed inwards on a small alcove and decided to retreat there until the din of the lab had finished. Jumping down, she found it was another den of the unknown survivor who had left so many other notes and drawings on the walls. At least down here the horrible racket of the test room setting up was reduced down to a dull grind.

The walls in the alcove were covered in some familiar looking murals using so many different mediums Chell could no longer tell what the wall behind it had originally been painted. Chalk, paint, grease pens, charcoal, watercolor, and what may have been crayon were scribbled in an organized chaos on the wall, forming beautiful but unsettling murals. T unknown person had apparently become a self-modeled artist while they were trapped in here. Age had seen to the murals brilliant colors fading and they were speckled with watermarks long since blurring it together, but it appeared the other survivor hadn't gotten any more sane during the long stay in Aperture. Whoever the person was, Chell really hoped he made it out of here.

Wheatley was looking up at the art with fascination, his optic darting from panel to panel as he compared the art and tried to make sense of it. He remained silent though, as if in an art museum with respect for the other viewers. There were ruined bits of charcoal and grease pens rolled against the wall and Chell pocketed them automatically. One never knew when they would have to write something.

Such as writing your last will and testament. "I, Chell (something or other) of probably-sound mind and body hereby bequeath..." and so on.

Silence struck the woman, as the complete lack of any activity in the testing chamber rolled quiet down into the small hideaway. Firing the portal gun back into the room, and one on the wall, Chell emerged back into the testing facility and found it still and silent, the test once again in an orderly fashion and repairs completed.

"Extended rests are not permitted by the Aperture Science Testing Council. If you feel the need to take an extended rest, please locate an Aperture Science military grade turret and voice your concerns." GLaDOS sounded a bit cross.

_'Oh hell no.' _Chell glared.

"So angry. Perhaps you would be refreshed by some soothing blues." The computer's camera focused on Chell, buzzing as it zoomed.

_'… what...' _An owlish look crossed Chell's face.

And with that, the sound of a slightly out-of-tune harmonica came over the PA.

_'… well played GLaDOS, psychological attacks. Well played.' _A person can only take so many passive aggressive remarks. It was time for her test partner to rescue her by flapping his (figurative) gums and being an anchor of sanity. Looking over her shoulder, Chell gave the sphere a pleading look.

"Oh! Um... I will recite uhh... different types of fruit!" Wheatley said, speaking very loudly, and very slowly so as to drown out the tuneless blues music.

"Apples!" Firing portal to get her up to the raised platform, Chell worked under the loud cacophony of the blues music and Wheatley bleating out his fruit list. "Oranges. Bananas." It was like a grocery store/blues fusion.

And it made Chell hungry.

"GRRWAAAARRRL." Her stomach complained.

"Oh, sorry. That's... actually all the fruit I know. Um... Blargl berries?" Wheatley offered, not really up to date on 'things people can eat'.

The made up word still managed to trigger Chell's 'omfg I'm starving' reaction. And it also caused the blues music to hiccup and stop over the PA.

"What?" GLaDOS fairly gawked at him.

"Razzlenanas? Manomelons? And kumber-quats." Wheatley finished his made-up list of fruit. The music was still silent, apparently GLaDOS still trying to figure out just what the hell Wheatley had done. The only sound was a loooong rumble from Chell's stomach, followed by a snigger from Wheatley. That ass...

Once she twisted the emo-beam cube far enough to catch the last lock on the door, she heard the trilling beep of an incoming message from GLaDOS.

"I wasn't aware humans could pull calories out of imaginary food. Besides your strange reaction to made up-fruits, I'd like to know how it is you actually managed to pack on a few pounds while spending time in the Relaxation Vaults." GLaDOS spun a camera to look at Chell closely.

_'I...but... WHAAAAAT?' _Chell's eye developed a slight twitch.

There was one way to check this over! Firing a portal at the wall, and another at a nearby corner, she stared through the hole in space to look at herself like a mirror.

… well... MAYBE her face was a little bit water bloated, but she had certainly NOT gained weight. And Wheatley certain added a good 15 pounds to her ass... but that was to be expected.

_'Why that uppity, manipulative hunk of bolts...'_ Chell's eye twitch soothed out as she calmed her thoughts. The faster she could get to the next test and find some sort of weakness in the systems... the sooner she could tear this place apart. Storming through the emancipation grill, Chell found herself looking down at Wheatley expectantly, hoping he'd put his two-cents in and perhaps defend her.

Wheatley was indeed looking at Chell, but he didn't say anything until he seemed to realize that the human was staring back at him. Then he stammered, stumbled over words, and finally got out, "Um. You look ah... fine. Very healthy." He sounded completely unconvincing.

_'… thank you for lifting my mood, metal ball.' _Chell huffed, rolling her eyes.

"Wot? You mad? … I have no clue what you looked like before! And if _she_ says you've … um... gained weight then you've probably gain-uh you've... you know, I think I'm just going to stop right now." Wheatley suddenly interrupted his own babbling, probably saving himself from being punched in the head. Even HE was smart enough to not piss off angry females any more than necessary.

GLaDOS gave a warning as she moved more rubble out of the way, "The testing chamber ahead exceeded the allowable amount of 'fatal testing mechanics and broken components' allowed by protocol. The auto-repair system is now updating that problem with working fatal test mechnicals. Feel free to develop a hobby that isn't destroying this facility. Or murder." The doors remained closed as the sound of panels shifting and rebuilding rumbled inside the room.

Chell paused, looking around in the hall that prelude the test. There were no cameras in sight, so GLaDOS had only a limited way of observing the human. It was convenient and Chell was going to use now to start escaping. She was going to need Wheatley's help though. Starting a pantomime, Chell tried to ask Wheatley to 'summon his control panel' to hack into the system, but the core only stared at her in confusion.

"You want me... to... um- you want another hug?" He offered, confused.

No! Trying again, Chell pointed at the wall where she imagined a panel would be, then pulled Wheatley free of the harness and began a charade of plugging him into a socket that wasn't there.

This time the sphere got it. "OH! Oh-oh, you want me to find an access panel, yes?"

_'Yes!' _Chell nodded.

"I think I'm getting better at understand you! Aw'right, give me juuuust a minute here." Blue optic rolling around the room, Wheatley searched the room, his center most metal circle around his eye spinning every few moments as he processed a large packet of information. "Bad news. All of the units here are broken. Can't get much more broken then this. Um, bit more bad news, while I'm at it. _SHE_ may... or may not, have destroyed my ability to interact with the systems when she put that subroutine in to stop my talking as well."

Which actually brought up a question. Chell cocked her head at the sphere, wondering exactly what HAD been done to him.

The core understood the gesture this time as well. "I'm not rightly sure what _she _did. I just remember you getting tossed into the elevator. And then she shut me down. Next thing I know, I'm in a foot of water, watching as you come splashin' over."

Returning to wait by the testing chamber, Chell thought it over, confused. GLaDOS took Wheatley only to install a 'shut-the-hell-up' subroutine and that was it? That didn't seem like a very deadly trap, to give Chell a companion.

"I'll tell you wot. I'll keep an eye out for any of the access panels that come up as we move. If we find a working one, I bet I can hack into the system!" Wheatley gave an excited nod, his metal shell shifting a bit as he did.

Chell only gave a breath of a laugh in amusement and rolled her eyes slightly. His 'hacking' was abyssal at best... but it was really her only option of the matter. Unless she was going to find a hole in the test chambers and squeeze out like a rat.

There was a trill from the intercom system. "Sorry about that. There were just some holes in the test chamber I had to seal up so you didn't squeeze through like a rat." GLaDOS's voice spread over the PA, jolting the human and the sphere in the hall.

Raising one eyebrow in shock, Chell looked down at Wheatley as if to ask, '_Is it just me... or is she somehow psychic?'_

Wheatley completely misinterpreted the expression. "I know you are hungry, but lets keep moving!" He tried to cheer her on.

… Chell suddenly wondered why she was even bothering.

* * *

><p>The test GLaDOS had prepared was some kind of feat of acrobatics to get through it unharmed, and yet the lab rat did. Finishing her last leap from a shifting platform, Chell landed in front of a small camera that buzzed at her as she gave swift kick to an 'emo cube' and booted it onto the door latch button and opened her exit out. Then she bowed in front of the camera, 'taa-daah'.<p>

"Hooray! We're not dead! Always points for that!" Wheatley gave a sigh of relief.

"Actually, no. No there is not." GLaDOS informed them. "I am keeping score, and so far, it is negative." She reported.

Chell goggled at the camera for a moment.

"The score, as I have recorded right here –very formal- is as following: The Marshmallow is at -16 science points. And the Moron is at -35." The camera buzzed at it focused on them.

_...'Marshmallow?'_ Chell twitched. Her lips moved as she fired off a unrepeatable insult towards the computer system out of a spiteful reflex, but there was no sound. The human had no voice still, as if she had forgotten. Wheatley was more shocked by GLaDOS's insult and simply forgot to speak at all.

This actually seemed to please GLaDOS. "I'm sorry, I seem to have left you on mute. But I suppose it doesn't matter. Anything you say will only cause me to act more vindictive towards you."

Biting down on her lower lip, Chell actually figured that was correct. For as many insults as she wanted to throw out, GLaDOS would probably only make the tests that much more difficult. In this case, being mute was probably the best chance for survival – unless GLaDOS really did intend to keep her alive indefinitely.

CREEPY.

Wait... there was still petty revenge she could have right now against the computer...

Reaching back and unknotting Wheatley from the jumpsuit, Chell faced the nearest camera and promptly cuddled the core against her, rubbing her cheek against him with a sigh.

Wheatley blue optic first narrowed in alarm at the action, but then he followed Chell's gaze up to the camera as it made an angry buzzing noise and zoomed in. THEN the core finally understood.

They were going to piss GLaDOS off with happiness. Kill 'em with kindness, so to speak.

The metal shutters on Wheatley's eye narrowed in glee. Since he was the only one with the voice, he was going to have to be the inciter. And as he had only used a few of his allowed words for this tests (screams of panic as you go flying through the air don't count, apparently). "Victory hug! You're my favorite human ever," His voice suddenly faltered, embarrassed. "I'm glad you did this for me. And I'm sorry." He didn't use all 25 words for a change, finally getting his full sentence across in exactly that many.

Chell's smile became just a little more genuine.

"That's not science! Stop that this instant!" GLaDOS sounded affronted.

So when the human and sphere finally looked up, grinning at the camera, Chell could only imagine the fury burning through GLaDOS's mainframe. Looks like her theory of physical contact was indeed a disgusting concept to GLaDOS. The thought was enough to propel the woman to the next test with glee.

"Hehe! She's got to be frothin' mad at that. And yet we solved the test, so she can't do anything. This is great...," The core chuckled. Then he paused, "... only not so great. Death traps... yeah. Those. Hmm. Well, any boat in a storm or however that goes. Personally, I would think being in a boat in a storm is a poor idea." Wheatley botched the cliché phrase, and then continued to ramble as the elevator moved them to the next test section.

The next test had some sort of plate on the floor, with a heavy panel arm under it for... propulsion? What- was it involving some sort of Aperture Science Catapult?

"That is not a catapult, just so you are aware. That is an Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate." Again, as if reading her mind, GLaDOS gave her the answer. Chell had a sudden desire to build herself a tin foil hat. Damn mind reading supercomputers.

"Safety precautions and regulations require me to warn you that the Aerial Faith Plate is NOT to to be use for –," Then GLaDOS's voice began to break up, full of static and quite possibly the AI just repeating the word 'blah' under the noise. After a good twenty seconds, GLaDOS cut the message, apparently satisfied she had delivered her mis-information. Chell gave the camera a dull look. Gee, thanks GLaDOS, for being _super helpful._

Anyway, time to test this Aerial plate and see what kind of pancake she was going to splatter against the wall into...

Stepping on the plate, the ground under Chell's feet bowed downwards, and with an impact against her longfall boots, catapulted her into the air and across the room. Chell landed directly on the bullseye. No joke, no damage... no danger?

And it was fun!

"Do it again!" Wheatley laughed, his eye whirling around the test chamber.

The rest of the puzzle was a timing guess on when to jump to catch the bouncing block. It wasn't really even a challenge. The next ten minutes found Chell doing backflips, somersaults, and forward rotations through the air from plate to plate. This was amazing!

"Wow! Is this wot flying is like?" Wheatley asked in amazement. The human beamed.

"What are you doing?" GLaDOS asked, sounded irritated.

"Defying gravity!" Wheatley shouted.

Chell didn't answer, instead back stepping a single pace and catching the faith plate while doing a back handspring.

"WEEEE!" Wheatley pretty much squealed. Chell had both her arms in the air as if it were a roller coaster ride.

"Stop this juvenile behavior this instant. Do you know how stupid you two look?" GLaDOS snapped.

It didn't diminish the joy Chell got from this. In fact, hearing GLaDOS irritation only made this all the better!

"Don't make me flood this room with deadly neurotoxin!" GLaDOS warned, or scolded, both sounded similar on the giant computer.

"Oh geez! Quick, stop! Don't tempt the computer lady!" Wheatley was alarmed.

Was it just a bluff? Would she really bring out the neurotoxin during testing? Chell stopped her acrobatics, landing in front of the door suspiciously. Off-hand, Chell even wondered if there was such a thing as non-deadly neurotoxin...

"Finally, I didn't think you were even listening to me." GLaDOS sighed, the cameras focusing on Chell.

_'I was trying not to.' _Chell was tuning out GLaDOS again. She turned and fired the ASHPD at the far wall of the test chamber, the portal spinning open and tearing the open-feed camera off the wall with a 'thunk'.

"Vital testing apparatus destroyed." The auto-system reported.

"..." GLaDOS's intercom made the soft double trill signaling she had opened the PA system, but she said nothing. There was a few seconds of silence and then the Disc Operating system spoke, "I really can't believe you can be that petty."

Petty was it? Time for yet another victory hug. Wheatley once again was removed from the harness of the jumpsuit and in her glee, Chell found herself grinning more than normal at victory as she hugged the little core. If only to let GLaDOS enjoy the bitter taste of defeat as Chell figured out each of these tests.

"Yes. I see you two. And no. I don't care. Your behavior is quite disturbing." GLaDOS remarked in a deadpan voice.

* * *

><p>When arriving at the new test, the AI seemed cranky and frustrated. "Lets see what the next test is. Oh. Advanced Aerial Faith Plates. Your favorite."<p>

Chell paused. With all the venting of steam and fun she had been having on the last faith plate test, she honestly assumed GLaDOS to remove anything even remotely enjoyable. And replace them with cactus or something.

"Well, don't enjoy yourself too much. I wouldn't want my valuable **~Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device~** to get damaged." The AI system had another hiccup, sounding like it had replaced the words 'ASHPD' in after originally deciding to go with a different phrase. "I'm going to be getting the systems back online after being dead for the past – oh... oh that is very interesting." GLaDOS suddenly cut herself off.

The human could not help it. She was instantly curious. The camera at the wall had her full attention.

"Oh, nothing. The automated calender has come back online. It's amazing how the time passes, when you are having **~cake~.**" GLaDOS subbed another word in, where possibly the word 'fun' should have been.

_'Geez... why was it everything GLaDOS says turns into a mind game?_' Chell sighed.

More panel arms swung out of the woman's way, exposing a wide open room filled with caustic acid... and faith plates. Was it really as simple as it looked? Chell's gaze moved down the room from plate to plate. Assuming GLaDOS hadn't calibrated them to fall just short of the next plate, the path was basic and clear.

So this mean Chell had to trust that GLaDOS wasn't try to kill her.

Perhaps the word 'crap' was necessary to insert here, somewhere. Chell now understood why they were called 'faith plates'. Because it required the test subject to put full faith in the crazy computer to not murder them.

_'I'm screwed.' _Chell's head hung.

"Put me on the plate." Wheatley said simply.

Chell looked at him as if he had just asked he had just asked to be incinerated.

"Put me on it! I'll test to see if it makes it all the way to the end!" Wheatley insisted.

_'No!~ Nononono.' _Shaking her head furiously, ponytail whipping about, Chell sudden found herself twisting around, both arms pulled Wheatley free as if he were going to escape from the harness and throw himself onto the faithplate. And the ASHPD (so very important to survive) was dropped on the ground and forgotten. She couldn't – WOULDN'T – do such a thing. Even if he was telling her to kill him... Chell wanted to be selfish and keep Wheatley talking if only for her sanity if not for his own safety too.

No! They would go together! And that was final. Chell gave him a look that allowed for no arguments. And with only 2 words left of his 25, Wheatley couldn't argue anyway. The little core only bobbed in his shell, nodding in agreement, but looking morose.

Gathering up the ASHPD and Chell carefully eyeballed the path of the faith plate. Lining up the portals to angled panels on the wall to redirect the path to the exit (assuming the faith plates wouldn't dump them into the corrosive water below), Chell stood above the faith plate calmly. Wheatley was tucked under one arm against her hip, ASHPD back in her right hand, and a look of determination on her face. The core gave her what appeared to be a sightly brighter look, probably for reassurance.

Taking one large breath to fill her lungs, Chell stepped forward onto the plate and was sent soaring.

From plate to plate, each jump bounced her along the course as intended so far. Into the blue portal, out the orange portal and – amazingly- she landed EXACTLY where intended! Safe (if you can consider 'still in testing' to be 'safe') and on the platform at the far end of the room.

"If you were not such a **~valued testing subject~**," GLaDOS began to speak, replacing a word in her last sentence (and if Chell had to guess, she had replaced, 'murderous bastard'), "I could have adjusted the faith plates to fall short of the intended target. Curse my desire for science... over murder." She muttered.

"Murder science." Wheatley said, apparently trying to keep GLaDOS's unknown ire at him down and using his last 2 words of the test.

_'Not helping, Wheatley!'_ Chell found she had squashed Wheatley against her stomach while she was airborn. Probably just as well, because the core would have been shrieking the whole time they were bouncing around if he had seen any of it. GLaDOS had missed a perfectly good chance to kill Chell (and ruin the ASHPD in acid as well as Wheatley). Maybe the AI was reluctant to destroy valuable Aperture property. Out of the three things, GLaDOS obviously favored the ASHPD most... and held Chell and Wheatley in equal contempt.

The giant 'Aperture' logo on Chell's chest probably wasn't enough to convince the computer that she too was Aper-… '_You know what, ending that line of thought, just right there.'_ Chell shook her head furiously. _'Being in testing is bad enough. BELONGING to Aperture... yeah, I think I'd swan dive into that acid pit.' _The human winced.

Finishing the test with only changing her portal once, Wheatley tucked under her arm the rest of the time, Chell gave a victory leap when the door opened. And pulling Wheatley up, she leaned her forehead against the cool metal in a 'victory glee!' moment.

A camera nearby swung around to stare at the test subjects. Chell looked up at the camera, wondering just what GLaDOS had to say now. "It's healthy for you to have other friends. To look for qualities in other people that I obviously lack." GLaDOS said, strangely gentle.

Chell braced for the biting comment she knew was going to follow.

"Such as idiocy. It's nice to see you found someone else with levels of idiocy near your own. I'm... I'm so proud of you." GLaDOS gave a watery sounding warble.

Wheatley suddenly was glaring furiously, wanting to yell or try an insult back, but unable to say anything until the test was finished and his word count reset. It seemed more of an insult to Wheatley than to Chell, but she felt the barbs as well, cutting words and sharp wit slicing ego and psyche alike.

Exiting the test chamber, Wheatley was still muttering when he had his vocal unit brought back online, "-the nerve! I can't believe she—oh, my voice is back." He paused. Then he cast an apologetic blue eye on Chell. "If that's what you had to go through... I'm amazed with your human perseverance that you didn't explode. I honestly thought I was going to blow up in there. Physically! Blow up!"

"If you do that, 50 science points will be award to Team Imbecile." GLaDOS bribed.

"Shut up!" Wheatley growled.

"+1000 science points if you can get the Marshmallow to blow up as well." GLaDOS continued to bribe.

"Wot the- that's not even possible! I spent forever looking after the humans and none of them ever blew up." Wheatley was scowling.

"Then you obviously weren't doing it right." GLaDOS said, matter-of-factly.

There was only SO MUCH pissy computer and defensive brit-bot that one human could take. And she had enough. Tucking Wheatley under her arm and giving him a rather weak smile as if to say _'Come on, you're better than that, don't argue.'_ , she rushed herself to the elevator and entered it, sighing as the doors began to close.

"See you at the next test – Chell." GLaDOS's voice was absolutely furious.

And if blood could function at freezing temperatures, Chell was positive all hers had just frozen in her veins. She felt like she was back in cryo again.

That was the first time GLaDOS had ever said her name... and it did NOT bode well.


	5. Escape plan 101

**BLARG, I think I might be a zombie due to work. I do know my muse stuck both fingers in it's ears and went "NYAH! I'M GOING TO GO PLAY MINECRAFT, SCREW YOU!" and I have had trouble stringing together two words. I had a plot nice and planned for this, and then came by with a shovel and killed it, buried it in the woods, and now am fleeing the literary law enforcement. Muses are cruel and fickle beings, just like cats.**

**Sarcasm Still Valid**

**6/10/11**

* * *

><p>Climbing into the elevator quickly before the bickering between the personality sphere and the strangely furious mega-computer could escalate to something more than just idle taunts, Chell slid to the floor with Wheatley in her lap and the ASHPD across her knees. In the tube the human heaved a sigh as she allowed herself to slump against the wall. This was always the one part of testing Chell could count on not to be murdered during. GLaDOS apparently had some kind of code against killing test subjects while in the elevator.<p>

"Oi, you doing aw'right there? You're looking kind of – yeah..." Wheatley lead off, his gaze sliding over the human looking for any sort of injury.

Reaching up and palming her forehead, she rubbed at her temples slightly.

"Oh, a headache?" Wheatley noted.

A short nod came from the human. It was probably a stress headache, caused by the shock of testing again and dodging lethal pitfalls. And the fact the most dangerous thing in the facility was now referring to her by her name that seemed more a threat than anything else. Chell was pretty sure she was developing a complex of a fear of hearing her own name now. Giant murderous computer coos your name in a menacing fashion? Yep, that'd do it! Heaven forbid this headache be anything trivial like – brain damage.

The elevator continued its soothing hum as it carried both onwards. The sound seemed to dull the sharp pain in her head. Wheatley remained silent, just watching as Chell leaned back and rolled her head up to the ceiling.

In a small voice, the core asked, "I noticed whenever you enter one of these elevators, you assume this boneless pudding position-," However at the mention of 'pudding' Chell's stomach rumbled, "heh, sorry sorry, didn't mean it like that." The core chuckled at the human's annoyed glance. "Is this... um... standard elevator riding procedure? Slump on the floor and … brace for impact?"

Not responding to his question, Chell slumped back against the wall, at least taking this moment to relax. Before she was thrown headlong into death traps again.

"So, how is our escape plan working now?" Wheatley asked, earnest and interested.

For the remainder of the elevator trip, a rough plan to find a plug, open some panels, squeeze out, and run like mad was formed. Most of it had been Wheatley's plan. Chell's only contribution was the fact she would make a distraction for the sphere-bot to do this and hold GLaDOS's attention. It was honestly less a 'plan' and more a 'streak of dumb luck', but dumb luck suited Chell just fine.

The elevator hissed to a stop at the new testing level and Chell sat perfectly straight as the doors opened. "Are we going on with the plan then?" Wheatley asked.

Chell held a finger up to her mouth. "Shhh," She hissed. If GLaDOS could talk to them in this area before a test, it also stood to reason she could hear them as well. Wheatley took the hint well and fell silent, listening with a narrowed optic.

"Sorry that trip took so long. I wanted to make sure that your next tests were situated over 23 acres of broken glass, rusty nails, and nuclear waste should you escape." GLaDOS began her taunting once Chell poked her head out of the door. "But then again, you aren't sorry about anything at all you've done... are you? I don't know why I bother apologizing."

The '_I'm not sorry for being 'sorry' routine_' didn't work. It was hard to feel bad for a murderous computer, after all, when still in the midst of deadly tests. The lab rat shifted Wheatley to her other arm as she moved towards the test room.

"I'm sensing a lot of aggression here." Wheatley said to GLaDOS.

There was a short pause from the computer. "Pointing out the obvious does _not_ earn bonus science points." GLaDOS said tersely. However, the AI paused just long enough without cutting the transmission that Chell knew another bit was coming.

"You really aren't going to discard that little moron, are you? What if I actually gave you a partner who could _do _something – besides waste space?" GLaDOS's voice was chilly, but not quite as murderous.

But the answer, was of course, '_No!' _And Chell reached back and closed her hand on Wheatley's upper handle, as if expecting the wall to come to life and grab him.

"I'm a WOT?" Wheatley was beginning to sound angry. He was falling for the taunt. That seemed to be a death sentence to say anything at all towards the main computer. Chell fumbled to try to keep Wheatley silent. However, she really couldn't figure out where his 'mouth' was... or where the speaker was. And he was about to put his foot into that metaphorical mouth and get himself (and Chell by proxy) killed.

Deciding his 'noise maker' came from near his optic, Chell jammed the core into her stomach, wrapped both her arms around him, dropped to the ground and pulled her knees up around him so the only part of the metal ball that could be seen was now the adapter ring in the back. There was a muffled "NRRF" and Wheatley fell silent, either mumbling to himself and dampened, or just instead choosing to glower unseen quietly. Either way, the argument ended instantly.

"Oh, what an inventive way to silence idiots. Mash them with a giant form of... generousness." GLaDOS gave a mock gasp of amazement. "I'll give you an unending supply of cake for you to convert into... mass... if you shut him up with it." GLaDOS tried yet another bribe.

"Rrrrmggmblbl." Chell's stomach complained.

However the woman herself didn't look amused at the AI's attempt. She glowered at the camera, patting the core on the shell as if to say, _'She can't attack if you don't make a sound and don't move... like a T-rex...I think.' _

Wheatley gave a little wiggle and gave a sound that might have been laughing at her stomach... the bastard.

"On second thought, you don't seem to need any more cake. Your weight fluctuations have already reached critical mass." GLaDOS quickly retracted her offer.

… that son-of-a-binary.

"Continue testing." The computer opened the door, allowing the lab rat to continue at her leisure now. Chell took a few moments before she uncurled from around the sphere, half afraid Wheatley hadn't calmed down yet or that GLaDOS was just WAITING for him to say something.

"Wot was that all about?" Wheatley blinked at the lights as Chell extracted him from her arms. "Boy, you humans sure are fluffy..."

… well that was a nice way of putting it. … and for the love of god it was just _water retention!_ Blowing a stray lock of hair out of her eyes, Chell tied Wheatley back into the jumpsuit by the sleeves. She was going to have to figure out how to tell him she was going to heave him with a faith plate if he kept laughing at her poor stomach. A lesson on tact at laughing at people's 'fluff' was generally frowned upon would have to be a lesson saved for another day.

The next test chamber seemed to expand UP rather than outwards and as Chell began to break down the test, she spotted something that caused her to almost drop the portal gun.

Companion Cube!

Dashing forward, Chell hurtled the red laser beam on the floor, and came to a screeching halt. She could not believe it, her mind was now convinced she was having a very elaborate halucination. The woman hoisted the heavy box into the air, the same heart shape glowing a faint pink, the same heavy weight, it was the same cube. Had her cube really NOT been incinerated after all these-

The cube sudden... evaporated. Or something similar to it. Chell's hands were suddenly empty.

"Oh... did I accidentally fizzle that before you could complete your test? I'm sorry." GLaDOS, of course, didn't sound sorry at all.

… CUUUUUUUBE NOOOOOO!

From above there was a hiss of a pneumatic vent, and Chell was barely able to dodge in time as another companion cube tumbled to the ground.

_'Wait. Cube junior?' _Reaching forward, Chell cautiously put her hand on it. Nothing happened, no fizzle. Looking around the room, she waited for some sort of death ray to kill the box that had saved her life years ago.

"Um... wots wif the box?" Wheatley asked, slightly amused at Chell's now paranoid expression.

Box? This was no mere BOX! This was (the son of) the Companion Cube! The very thing Chell had used to bully her way through a test room packed with energy pellets and turrets long ago. Even the inanimate cube (though GLaDOS had tried reverse-psychology to convince Chell it was indeed 'alive') seemed cute and cuddly even as a metal box.

Paranoid yet again, Chell lifted the cube, expecting GLaDOS to somehow euthanize this one as well. So far, she hadn't. Giving it another second, Chell stared right into a camera, waiting.

GLaDOS decided a glare-off wouldn't do or perhaps that was exactly the sign she had been waiting for. The second cube exploded under Chell's hands, peppering her boots with a metallic rust.

"Sorry, I was just tidying up excess waste." GLaDOS said, amicably (_or as friendly as the furious computer could get acting like a bitter mother-in-law)._

The human set her jaw, glaring.

"Oh well, it's not like the have any sort of use. Just like _everything else_ in that testing chamber." GLaDOS gave a verbal 'shrug' with her words.

_'….' _If Aperture had done any genetic tampering with her while she was out... Chell wanted the ability to shoot HATE BEAMS from her eyes. Glaring right at the camera... HATE BEAM ON MAXIMUM STRENGTH.

But nothing happened. Shame.

Another companion cube fell, but somehow it didn't feel the same. It felt, cheap and mass produced, like the weighted cubes. Moving on instinct, Chell set up the next four portals without realizing she was solving the puzzle. Wheatley would give a short word every once in a while like, "Look!" or "Wot's that" when he noticed something, trying to save his words if they were later needed. Even without arms and legs, he was helping progress through tests – Chell had to admit.

It was when he said things like or even something random like, "You know what is the best? … Legs. Legs are the best," that would make Chell pause and wonder just how the hell his 'line of thought' worked. Screw 'line' of thought, Wheatley more had a whole random 'bicycle with a flat tire' of thought.

Within a few minutes, the Companion Cube was now resting on the button, and Chell was standing at the door... but something wasn't right. As Chell was automatically running her tongue over her teeth and doing a mental Emancipation Grill checklist she realized what it was.

Actually, it was Wheatley who noticed first. "Isn't there supposed to be that death-field over the doorway?"

There was no Emancipation Grill.

Cube the third, you can have freedom!

Turning, Chell ran back into the room, leaving one portal in the hall she had just entered and snatching up the cube. Dropping another portal on the floor, Chell then found herself beyond the emancipation grill... cube in hand, elevator ahead.

HOORAY!

GLaDOS's camera appeared to be glaring at them. "Removing testing material from the test chambers is strictly forbidden. Protocol demands you euthanize the Companion cube in a humane and respectful manner... why don't you tear it apart and throw it into a fire again."

Nope. It was time for a victory gloating. She just had to figure out the best way to do it besides a hug. Time to be creatively annoying!

Wheatley stared at her hand for a moment, "Um... high fives?"

And his suggestion seemed like the best possible thing EVER. Even better than cake … maybe. Nodding eagerly, Chell dropped the cube to the floor and put Wheatley on top of it. Then she moved her hand to slap five to Wheatley's metal shell. The core rolled forward a bit, his outer metal plating expanding at the seams to brace himself and then he rocked forward into her palm.

HIGH FIVE! … except minus the fact Wheatley didn't have 'five' to slap her with. … Sphere five? Give a robot a high five: Chell was pretty sure that was on her 'bucket list'. Check that one off! Next one... eat a rainbow somehow...

"What are you doing?" GLaDOS was horrified. "I'm not sure who to penalize more for that display! … Marshmallow, -10 science points for starting that! Moron, -15... mostly because you are a moron who shouldn't go along with the Marshmallow's ideas."

"HEY!" Wheatley protested.

"And Weighted Companion Cube. I'm very disappointed with your choice in friends. I'm afraid I can't allow that." the camera rolled down to look at the heart painted on the cube's surface. And then with a metallic rasp, the cube began to disintegrate. Wheatley almost fell on the floor, Chell fumbling to catch him. In the end there was just the rust colored pile of atomic ash that had once been a cube.

Glaring at the camera, Chell made her way to the elevator with Wheatley in her left arm. The sphere was uncharacteristically silent when he just had his word count rest. Looking down, Chell turned her head to the side and tapped him on the handle to get his attention. What was he thinking so hard about?

"If... so she can just dissolve those cubes with a thought..." Wheatley looked back at the scraps of oxidized metal and burnt plastic that were left, "... why hasn't she done that to us yet?"

That was the question Chell did NOT want an answer to.

* * *

><p>Since the elevator was still an area where GLaDOS could do nothing to rush her along – short of flooding the shaft with deadly neurotoxin or nagging (and there were times the human wasn't sure which was WORSE)- Chell remained in a cross-legged sitting pose with her sphere friend in her lap long after the elevator stopped. How could she do something to pull the DOS computer's attention away to give Wheatley a chance to even TRY to hack something?<p>

Above the elevator, there was a 'thud thud' sound as junk began to collect on top of it. More garbage using the elevator chute. .. or maybe the elevator used the garbage chute. In which case – ew.

… and suddenly a wild idea attacked!

"Wot are you doing?" Wheatley watched as Chell rose but didn't leave the elevator.

Leaning out of the elevator, Chell fumbled and grabbed one of the fallen tiles, dragging halfway into the doors. Then she stepped out of the glass elevator. And as she hoped, the doors tried to close but failed with the tile in the way. The doors sprang open for a few seconds before trying to close again. All the while, more and more trash was piling up above the elevator.

Chell's plan was simple. If this was the trash chute, eventually GLaDOS would send so much refuse down the garbage pipes as she cleaned that the elevator that could not move would eventually burst, or the suction of the pipes would shut down. In any case, GLaDOS would be forced to remedy the problem, giving Chell time alone to think up an escape.

"Oooh! Oh! I see. … Clever!" Wheatley said, gleeful. "Breaking stuff... it's amazing."

She wasn't sure how much time that would buy, but it was better than GLaDOS's constant presence. The short pause she had spent in the elevator planning this was a welcome break. The tops of Chell's thighs were beginning to ache from catching herself during a fall and jumping and Wheatley's added weight was beginning to strain her.

When the door to the test opened to the two subjects, GLaDOS activated the PA again. "Another break again? Why must you take so long in the elevators. … it is a form of transportation, not a public bathroom. You animal."

"… do—bw-...waht?" Wheatley's eye grew wide and horrified.

Did she just think that... IN THE ELEVATOR? EW! What the- who would even do something like that? A dirty hobo wouldn't even do that – well, ok maybe they would. But Chell was not a hobo (…probably)!

Shaking Wheatley a bit, as if to say _'You idiot, you were right there with me the WHOLE time! You know better!'_ The core quickly regained his senses. Then the look Chell gave the camera was beyond disgusted. There was a long and spiteful glare before the woman turned away from the camera and stalked into the test.

While Chell's distraction took its time to shut down the vacuum tubes, she would go solve this puzzle! Looking around the area, Chell did her normal rundown of what mechanics she had to deal with in the test. Emancipation grill, laser beam, pedestal button, door, hole in the glass wall... piece of cake! – wait, scratch that. No cake in sight.

Suddenly the lights flickered. The generators and panels began to lose power and the frequency of their humming plunged. The walls shuttered and Chell found herself wondering if GLaDOS hadn't fixed the core-meltdown. There was a clanging and then a sudden 'whoosh' from the elevator room.

"Oh no. The turbines again. I have to go." GLaDOS sounded a bit resigned, like someone who had been fixing an ever-breaking part.

YES! The distraction worked!... kinda. Apparently the vacuum system had drawn so much power from the turbines in an attempt to overcome the jam in the elevator it had caused a power hiccup. A little overkill, perhaps, but she wouldn't deny it was effective. Chell was fully assuming GLaDOS would be _watching_ her progress either while she oversaw the repairs, or the recorded video afterward. After all, the ever-glowing red eye of the cameras were still watching.

"If you suffer life threatening injuries during this test, your Aperture Science Testing Protocol Partner should be equip to provide out life-saving treatments to – oh wait, you just have a moron core as a partner... well then... good luck with that." GLaDOS gave a derisive snort. And then the speaker system cut out and fell silent. Chell stood still for a moment, casting her gaze about the room.

Wheatley was shocked, both at the insult and the fact the distraction WORKED. "I can't believe-," However Chell quickly cupped a hand over his eye to quiet him again. He would need as many words to speak if they were going to find the plug port. Chell turned and fired the ASHPD at the camera, tearing them off the wall with the 'pok' sound as the portals connected and opened. There, now GLaDOS couldn't see them (for the moment).

The core nodded, suddenly realizing his task of locating an access plug. His blue eye spun around the room, searching. "Near the pedestal." The core focused on something, probably the access panel. Chell unknotted the core from her waist and quickly scrambled up towards the pedestal.

Approaching the area Wheatley had indicated, there was a click and then the panel arm on the wall slung itself upwards. A working plug and a functional screen were behind the panel. Dropping to her knees and plugging Wheatley in, the human gave him a thumbs up.

There was just one thing Wheatley had to ask first. "C-could you … turn around? I c-can't work with-," He was stammering embarrassed again.

Chell whirled around quickly, putting her back to him so he wouldn't waste any more words. She sat only a few inches in front of him, and the handle of the core could just barely touch her back if he wiggled it forwards. If there was a camera hidden in this section, it hopefully wouldn't see the open panel Wheatley was now fitted into as long as Chell tried to block vision to it.

A long looong minute past, the sound of Wheatley's hard disc spinning in a frenzy as he tried to access the systems via a brute force method. Chell wasn't sure how long her distraction would last, but if GLaDOS came back and found Wheatley plugged in, she would undoubtedly be _pissed_.

"Ah... hacked. I HACKED! I DID IT! I - it worked!" Wheatley suddenly squealed. Chell spun around, her jaw falling partially slack as the tiny core spun in his metal shell. "I opened -" … and then he ran out of words.

Chell slammed her head into her palm violently. Dammit Wheatley, babbling didn't help in this situation – However whatever he had done it was obviously what they wanted. Chell reached forward and tugged on the core carefully, letting him know she was ready to catch him. There was a slight 'pok' as Wheatley broke the coupler link and rolled into the lab rat's hands. His eye was wide and his lower lid had drawn up in glee.

Looking around the room, Chell couldn't see a single panel out of place. And looking down at Wheatley, she realized that if he was a poor guesser at her pantomimes... Chell couldn't make heads or tails of his at all. But he kept looking towards the exit with darting glances between the door and her. Thinking he opened a panel in the hall, Chell was more than ready to finish this test and get the hell out! It took a good ten minutes to solve the test, and not even GLaDOS spoke during that time. It was almost more of a distraction not to hear ANYONE talk that it was to have Wheatley or GLaDOS saying something! Chell stepped through the open exit and peered into the hall towards the next elevator. But there was no open panel.

There was, however, the emancipation grill. And stepping through it slowly, Wheatley suddenly had his word count reset. "Ah, quick, go forward! Continue! Egress! I opened a panel a few tests ahead!" He said, giddy and his voice almost laughing. "_The dragon_ has this test in the palm of her hand... so to speak. If I did anything here, she'd have come straight back. So I picked a test further down that she hadn't prepped yet!" Wheatley looked up at Chell, expectant.

Wheatley's reward was a brilliant and joyful smile. His foresight went beyond what Chell was expecting. The little core was actually plotting in advance, and successfully. _'Wheatley, you are MADE of awesome and win.'_ Chell wanted to say. Instead, she lifted him into the air over her head, beaming brightly. _'And maybe wires and stuff too.'_

Even without speaking, Wheatley understood the compliment and his eye lit a much brighter blue. "Awww." He quickly adverted his gaze.

The human gave a silent chuckle. How many people could say they got a machine to blush?

"... ice cream."

"Rrlrjggblbllll." Chell's stomach answered. The human recoiled at her traitorous stomach as it wailed loudly in hunger.

"Ha! That's for having a laugh at... at... well okay, kinda petty, wasn't it." Wheatley admitted under Chell's intense stare that promised she was going to install Windows Vista on him as punishment. Even moron's have standards.


	6. Mind Games

**Ah geez, no sooner do I make a single joke about Windows Vista being TEH SUCK than my poor little lappy died a horrible death, the old OS disc is missing, and I am then forced to load that wretched program on here (thus killing all work until I repair it). The positive news! OMFG I have FIXED A COMPUTER! ME! I have the black touch when it comes to electronics! I have honest to god pointed across the room at a computer that was acting sluggish and watched as it blue screened at the gesture (though... probably more likely it timed out). In short – I am the computer grim reaper... AND I FIXED IT... sorta. If you consider 'Vista' fixing it.**

**So basically: I didn't lose any progress, just writing time. Updates, unfortunately, still will be sporadic as I figure out how to work with this newly evolved Windows Brick and reinstall everything.**

**Sarcasm Still Valid**

* * *

><p>The elevator ride gave Chell a chance to think. She was trying to decide if she wanted to break this elevator as well? … probably not. GLaDOS was probably going to be suspicious enough as is. In the case that Wheatley's escape route was foul (which in this places, even well laid plans could run foul... so poorly laid plans crumbled like burnt cake), Chell didn't want the insane AI breathing down her neck. Best not to burn her bridges just yet.<p>

But how to get a distraction?

A double trill alerted the testing subjects of an incoming message. "This next test-," However a jarring explosion that sounded like a propane tank popping shook the south side of the chamber. GLaDOS continued as if she hadn't even heard it, "Involves some-," Until a SECOND blast sounded.

There was a pause as Chell was sure she was gaping up at the cameras in horror and Wheatley looked amused.

GLaDOS gave a grumble. "HoldOnASecondIHaveToFixThis." The AI jammed her sentence together in a rush, and then the double trill sounded again. GLaDOS had turned off the speakers.

And if GLaDOS wasn't here... Chell really didn't have to wait, did she? Standing at the open doorway, there seemed to be nothing wrong with _this _test.

"I guess we can do this ourselves. No need to wait. Actually, do we really have to use the honor system?" Wheatley gave a little struggle in the harness, trying to look into the room around Chell. Wait... honor system? If the computer wasn't here...Chell was free to cheat!

"Whoa! Evil grin!" Wheatley noted, as the slight smile on Chell's face broadened and she felt she could have been cackling in chaotic glee if possible. "You DO have a plan!" Wheatley chattered, excited.

The human gave him a wide grin.

They were going to cheat like they were in Vegas.

Rather than retrieving a cube to hold down a button, Chell wedged rubble in the seam allowance to stick the button down. There was no longer any need to retrieve a cube from a far ledge. Time saved: 5 minutes.

Rather than let a scaffolding that was set to collapse on a timer force Chell to rush across the room madly, she worked a large beam of iron under the platform, forcing it to stay up without falling. Time saved: 3 minutes.

Rather than press a pedestal button and then rush madly across the room to a door, Wheatley was set near the pedestal and smacked it with his handle when she was right next to her target. Time saved: 45 seconds and a massive headache.

And rather than have to skirt around a pool of acid water, Chell managed to attack the half crumbled wall with rubble flung through faith-plate accelerated portals until the entire surface collapsed over the pool, covering it safely. Time saved: … _priceless_.

There are some things that time just can't put a value on... for everything else there is mass destruction.

"I can't believe we can solve tests like that. Brilliant, really." Wheatley finally said, as the two of them now were at the exit of the test. If there were an award for cheating, Chell felt they deserved the gold for co-op cheating. The exit hissed open and upon solving the test the entire chamber flickered, the power wavering and the panels shivering. There was a low groan of metal and something odd deep within the facility. It was odd, but hopefully it was what GLaDOS was going to fix.

Even without the AI watching over them in this test, it required (yes... REQUIRED) a victory dance upon cheating so well as a form of gloating. Holding Wheatley as she would tuck a football under her arm, Chell broke into a solo dance, beyond gloating at this point. Pop N' Lock it, baby. Wheatley attempt at a 'dance' was more a series of uncoordinated wiggles. Ah, but what can you do when you don't have any limbs? At least he got points for trying.

"Ah, come on. Showing off with those legs again? That's not fair." Wheatley sighed. Chell, still smiling, quickly left the chamber after that before GLaDOS returned. "Maybe you can find me some legs in here before we escape. You know, nice pair?"

The human nodded. She would try.

"...pair... that's odd. I mean, I understand you needing _two _legs to move about. But... why call pants 'a pair of pants' then? You only wear one at a time, right?" The little core was off on yet another one of his tangents. "And wouldn't it be 'a pair of _leg'_, if legs are ALREADY a pair? … boy, I don't understand how you humans even manage to communicate with such a disorganized language." Wheatley sighed.

Chell raised an eyebrow.

…. "OH!.. um.. not that, not that humans are stupid or anything. I mean, it's a perfectly good thing to speak... speaking 'human'." Then the core's eye widened, and quickly darted up to Chell. "B-but if _you_ don't want to speak it, tha-that's fine too, just as good! I feel, – I think I understand you good enough anyway, yeah?" The ever familiar 'foot-in-mouth' syndrome struck the sphere and he began to fumble with words.

Not wanting to little core to dangle or keep babbling at a frantic (and always making it worse) situation, Chell shifted the core to rest in both arms, rather than tucked under one like a football. She gave him a slight 'bump', like someone calming a upset child. The core fell silent immediately, and no longer looked upset or frantic. Wow... someone spent a hell of a lot of time on Aperture AI if human gestures of comfort even worked on them.

Before the test subjects managed to reach the elevator though, the speaker's trilled with an incoming message. "Well, I'm back." GLaDOS sighed, sounding … tired? Exhausted? To Chell's ear it sounded like the AI was lethargic or lazy, something that had never been displayed before.

Eyes suddenly wide in alarm, Chell threw herself with a running leap into the elevator. It was 'safer' in there if the all-seeing AI suddenly took issue with the last test they had 'solved'.

"That was ...odd. I didn't realize you enjoyed testing that much." Chell heard GLaDOS's voice, full of suspicious as the elevator jolted and began to drop.

There was a long silence as the elevator began to carry them. And figuring she had a good five minutes between tests to where GLaDOS would confront her. Chell sank to the ground, clutching at Wheatley's sphere and looking at him in concern. Would GLaDOS take him away as punishment? On hindsight, cheating right under GLaDOS's nose had been a … very poor choice.

The elevator came to a complete halt, the sound of whirring stopping abruptly.

… Dammit... Why did Wheatley's horrible ideas sound so good at the time?

"I can't believe – you horrible little cheaters – you can't even test properly. So that's what that odd flux in the solution system release was! It was _you._" GLaDOS's voice in the small elevator was booming, Chell almost tossed the core into the air and covered her head with both arms. Instead, she did a fairly convincing imitation that she had been stuffed and mounted like a trophy.

Wheatley's eye widened. "Uh... so-sorry?" He stammered. "We thought –maybe that test was on … alternative testing?" He tried to bluff.

With the elevator stopped between floors, this left Chell with no where to run to, nothing to portal on, and a rapidly panicking sphere in her arms.

The human hugged the core carefully. _'It was nice knowing you, Wheatley.'_ She wanted to say.

"I _know _you are up to something." The room seemed to be closing in. Chell had never felt as claustrophobic as she did right now. However the voice wasn't full of malice, just justified suspicion.

"Us? Something? Pff, no. No no, not at all. We were just … t-testing." Wheatley tried his very hardest to sound nonchalant. But despite his attempts, Chell could feel him beginning to tremble again.

The elevator rumbled, as if about to plummet down an endless shaft without control. "No, you moron. HER. SHE'S up to something." And Chell wished more than ever she had the power of osmosis to dissolve through the floor to relative safety.

It was only a strict poker face that kept Chell from nervously glancing down at Wheatley, the little AI who had hacked a way out for them. As long as GLaDOS assumed Wheatley was too stupid to do much of anything, then the giant homicidal computer would keep underestimating him. A slight memory of being underestimated last time around came to mind... and it had resulted in Chell escaping in a single perceived second where the test room was not completely portal proof.

If underestimating Chell had cost GLaDOS last time... underestimating Wheatley would cost double.

The human changed her guilty look to a cocky grin, as if to say _'When AREN'T I up to something?_' Very carefully and stealthily moved her palm over Wheatley's optic, trying to give him a signal to stay completely silent while she baited the computer to taunt her.

"Now I understand why you were left on a doorstep by your parents. Although the beast method of simply eating ones young seems perfectly acceptable in your case as well." GLaDOS gave a grunt.

There simply weren't enough memories jumbled in Chell's head to tell anything about her past, her parents, or any lies GLaDOS may be telling. But it was time for Chell to fall for the 'trap'. The human adopted her very best 'why would you say such a thing' face, complete with a distraught tremble of her lower lip.

This pleased the AI. Giving another rumble, the elevator started moving again. "At least the Aperture Science Girl's Orphanage always has free space. And should you die, we just recycle your organs for the next orphan. Environmentally friendly science... it's a marvel." And then the PA system cut out, GLaDOS's lack of voice leaving the elevator silent.

Chell sighed, dropping the injured expression for an exasperated one. Wheatley had been listening carefully, and once his eye was uncovered, he finally got a good look at the human. "Did your parents really do that? They left you?" He asked, unsure.

The woman shrugged. Adopted or not, it didn't matter now. They wouldn't have survived the hundreds of years that had passed.

"... I promise I won't leave you too." Wheatley said softly.

Now it was Chell's turn to avert her gaze from eye contact and the tips of her ears and cheeks turned an embarrassed pink. Dammit, the little sphere was... charming. What was the rule... feed a dog for three days and you keep him? What about keep a personality sphere for 3 hours and you'll never be able to drop it in an incinerator?

"Humans are a marvel, now you are turning pink." Wheatley gave a laugh.

The human grabbed him by the sides, jerked him into the air, and shook him like a magic 8-Ball.

"Waahg! Urrg, a-all s-signs point t-to yes." The sphere warbled, his blue eye goggling back and forth like some kind of googly eyed puppet. "Ok ok, I get it. No making fun of silly human reactions. … though that one was kind of-," The look from Chell silenced Wheatley immediately.

* * *

><p>At the next test, Chell refused to put Wheatley back in the sleeves-made harness. She insisted on carrying him, truly worried some sort of GLaDOS-based revenge would snatch him away. Wheatley didn't say too much at that. Chell had the suspicion he didn't mind one single bit on being carried.<p>

Mostly because of the stupidly satisfied look on his little round face gave it away.

Chell was all too aware of all the cameras on her to even try to cheat now. GLaDOS was suspiciously quiet, but the human was ever aware of all the cameras focused on her. As if to make up for the two times GlaDOS had to 'leave' testing to repair the labs, there seemed to be even more cameras than usual now.

It was like realty TV, only creepy,... and technically less abusive.

Solving the tests was becoming easier and easier it seemed. For every new technique GLaDOS would try, Chell would learn skills of her own how to get around them. Even exhausted and bruised as she was, the human's reflexes seemed to be getting sharper.

With the test solved in a matter of minutes, Chell stood in front of the camera by the elevator, Wheatley still clutched in her arms and a defiant look on her face as if to say, '_There! I tested 'properly'! Now award me my science points!' _And even though she had no clue what the whole point of science points were, Chell had a feeling they were non-redeemable. But she wanted them anyway! … gotta collect 'em all.

"Oh, you don't even want to know what the score is. It would just make you cry." GLaDOS said, gleeful. "And I'm afraid the Enrichment Center no longer stocks ice cream in the employee break rooms to satisfy any crying female urges to gobble down food and gain mass."

It was a great surprise that Chell found her stomach DIDN'T rumble madly. The lack of a reaction startled Wheatley and disappointed GLaDOS. However that didn't mean she wasn't starving... she was just beyond the point of caring much now. Perhaps she was becoming immune to the silly food-based jokes Wheatley would make or the taunts GLaDOS threw at her.

Test... whatever-number-this-was- Chell didn't bother looking at the lighted wall- loomed ahead and the human was greeted by the DOS personality in what seemed to be a kind manner. She heard GLaDOS speaking in a smooth and tuned voice talking about rewarding Chell with...deer, for testing quickly? And despite what she wanted, Chell's thoughts turned to the surface and 'deer'. Was the surface still in one piece? Or was in an nuked and irradiated landscape? Did humans still exist? Did DEER still exist? Actually, if there was one thing Chell had learned, it was that GLaDOS would always lie.

But Chell really did expect that the lie was that they were all giant Saber Tooth-tiger Deer or something. Yeah, … sounded right. Par for the course for her life thus far, anyway.

"Wots a 'deer'?" Wheatley asked, searching the room as if one of these 'deer' things had ninja-like appeared somewhere.

Looking up at the camera, Chell found that GLaDOS obviously had no intention of telling Wheatley. Sighing, she reached into her pocket and pulled out one of the charcoal bits she had salvaged from the den of the unknown artist. Setting at one of the blank walls, Chell began to draw.

"What are you doing? Defacing company property is NOT part of the test!" GLaDOS scolded. But... she only did it once, and there were no threats to follow. And EVERY camera in the room was now focused on Chell as she drew.

Oh wow... ok, so if this is what Wheatley felt like when he 'hacked', Chell was suddenly struck with a huge wave of stage fright with both GLaDOS and Wheatley watching her. The drawing wasn't... very good, admittedly. But it represented an animal at a side profile with only two legs showing, antlers, long ears and an upturned tail. And for all the artistic skill the lab rat had, it looked rather like a caveman style pictograph of a box with a head and some antlers.

"That's a deer?" Wheatley peered at the black scribble. Then he paused. "Oi, those must be hard to see out there. Only the size of a terrier. Tiny!" The core apparently thought the doodle was actual size.

Chell didn't bother to correct him. He didn't have enough words left on his 25 word-count to ask any other questions anyway.

There was an amused and condescending snort from the intercom system, "Yes, deer are the best test subject ever. They never question you, they excel at standing on buttons, and they _never_ try to murder you."

_'And they were freaking delicious,'_ Chell wanted to add. But the human's stomach rumbled. So much for being immune to the food taunts now.

Wheatley's upper eye lid rose. "Yummy noise again?" He chuffed, using the last of his words with the click and pop as his vocal unit deactivated.

Chell pretended she was temporarily deaf. What was it with AI and their delight at tormenting her?

It took a good twenty minutes for Chell to stumble through the Emancipation grill. She had more bruises for her trouble from dealing with the aerial faith plates, even after successfully blocking her impact on walls with the long fall boots. And as expected, GLaDOS began to speak once they cleared the exit.

"Well, you passed the test. I didn't see the deer today. But I did see some humans." She said in a calm and clipped tone.

Chell went rigid.

"But with you here, I've got more test subject than I'll ever need."

Wait, there were still humans? People still lived? W-was this a lie? Or was it the truth? Or was it a half truth?

_'Stop-over thinking!'_ Chell chided herself. _'GLaDOS will say anything to throw me off. Calm... calm...'_ The frenzy began to dissolve and left Chell wondering just what kind of mental game GLaDOS was trying to play? It had all the feel of mental rugby, bruises included. And the score of this mental game was GLaDOS: 117 and Chell: pie. For all the sense that it made.

However, Chell's tiny spherical lifeline was whispering quietly to her "_The dragon _always lies, don't listen to her." Over and over like a soothing mantra. Instead, she found she was listening to this core as if it were an extension of her own thoughts. Not for the first time, Chell was grateful he was there with her.

* * *

><p>The test subject found herself looking at the helpful 'warning' diagram before the next test. … was that a stick figure of a human walking on a bridge between two portals? How was she supposed to manage that?<p>

Wheatley looked up at her. "Follow the floating yellow brick road?" He asked, just as confused.

"These light bridges are made from hard-light technology, giving solid form to a projection." GLaDOS pipped, as the door opened revealing some sort of... electric blue sheet spanning the wall. "After more testing, it would be possible to mold the projection into a three dimensional shape... such as cake." Her tone was remarkably whimsical.

Chell's stomach rumbled.

"If you see a cake made from any light bridge technology, please refrain from eating it. It would set your hair on fire."

_'… Thanks for the warning.' _Chell found she had given a camera a thumbs up. An ironic thumbs up.

GLaDOS's response was to cut the PA announcement.

Gingerly, Chell stepped onto the light bridge. … well... It didn't melt the longfall boots. Was it safe to touch though? … damned human curiosity! Chell found she was reaching towards the light bridge with her left hand, fingers outstretched. The Disc Operation AI didn't speak over the PA again to warn Chell, so she took that as one of two assumptions:

1) It wasn't dangerous for short term skin contact.

Or 2) GLaDOS thought it would be hilarious to see Chell get the crap burned out of her hand.

Reaching the last inch forward, Chell poked her finger against the light bridge and found it solid against her touch before she jerked away. It was also warm and bordering on hot. Not blistering heat, but hot enough it would be unpleasant to hold on to for longer than a few seconds.

New self-imposed rule: always land on your feet on this thing... landing on your butt would set cloth pants on fire. Probably. Who knows what it would do to the nylon jumpsuit... fuse it to her ass in a mold of molten plastic? Best not to try it.

The portal surface just at the other end of the Hard Light bridge suddenly gave Chell the idea how to 'move' the span. She spent the next few minutes creating long bridges of light across the test, learning how best to move about on them without cooking herself. With that mastered, Chell turned her thoughts back to solving the test. That had been the easy part, the human was done in a matter of minutes.

More important, she had to think up a suitable 'test complete' gloat for the AI. Time passed, and Chell found herself crouching on the light bridge on the toes of the longfall boots, staring at the door. The button was at the end of the test and the cube rested on the bridge beside the woman ready to go. However the human was lost in thought. _'Hmmm, best gloating technique... well dancing was all well and good, but Wheatley danced like a granny (yet it wasn't really his fault).'_ Chell didn't want GLaDOS to become accustom to the victory hugs or high fives shared with the sphere. So what else would tick off the AI?

Raising her fingers to her chin, Chell stared down at the button. Something... annoying. Annoying things... Actually, Chell had an idea. But it was going to be a solo taunt, Wheatley lacked the fingers needed to complete the task. Checking her pockets, the woman found there were still two small bits of charcoal, one almost complete stick, and a single grease pen tucked inside.

Hopping off the light bridge and tossing the cube on the button, Chell withdrew another fragment of charcoal and crouched in front of the cube to draw on it. There was the sound of the camera by the door buzzing angrily.

"You have completed this solution, please advance to the next test or assume the party escort submission position so you can be returned to the incinerator—I mean relaxation vault." GLaDOS fired off the automated response.

Chell merely continued to draw. Wheatley was set beside her as she worked, watching with curiosity. After a few moments, he finally identified what the image was supposed to be and started struggling to keep from laughing. But mostly he failed at that and a muffled snort came from the sphere as he rocked back and forth in glee. He whispered a suggestion to the human, who began trembling in barely repressed laughter herself.

"What are you two morons doing? I am penalizing both of you –," However GLaDOS stopped when Chell scooped up Wheatley, smiled sweetly at the camera and then waved goodbye. The human advanced through the emancipation grill, leaving behind the graffiti-ed cube.

On the cube, in a rather slanted scribble and scrawl was the notorious internet meme face – the TROLL FACE – with a small line of script that read, 'U Jelly?' under it.

"... I see you have given up on science all together now." GLaDOS grumbled.

Team Idiot was busy giggling in the hall.

* * *

><p>Human were not meant to be active at such activity levels for more than a few hours a day. What Chell was doing was slightly lower physical strain than a full marathon, but she was beginning to fatigue. The little personality core and the portal gun were on the floor beside her in the elevator, while the human slumped against the glass wall panting.<p>

"M-maybe you should take a rest. You know, short break? I can't believe there isn't regulation on breaks: test six hours, get a half hour break or something." Wheatley rambled.

Chell shook her head. Taking anything nearly that long would enrage the already murderous AI. She had a feeling the only reason she wasn't gassed with neurotoxin yet was due to the fact she was successfully solving tests. Reaching up, she rubbed under her eyes and sighed with disappointment once the elevator stopped with a rumble – next test dead ahead.

Wheatley chuckled.

Looking around in confusion, Chell wondered what had made the core laugh. Her stomach hadn't growled (she was going to shake him like a magic 8-ball if he kept laughing about that), there wasn't anything weird being displayed on these wall monitors (though viewing tiny little people symbols trotting happily through a dysfunctional and chaotic lab was kind of amusing), and from what Chell could tell Wheatley was staring at her and shaking with mirth.

Sighing, she reached down and picked him up. _'What's so funny?' _She raised an eyebrow at the sphere, cocking her head.

"Look at your hands." Wheatley managed to stop laughing.

Doing so, Chell was a little surprised to see her fingers were blackened with charcoal dust from drawing on the cube. Reaching down, she unceremoniously wiped the powder onto the legs of the jumpsuit and caused long black streaks to appear.

Wheatley was laughing again. "Ok, well that's all good. But what did you do just _before_ you cleaned your hands?" The core prompted her.

Not really sure what he meant, Chell reached up to her face to scratch at her temples.

"Yep, exactly." Wheatley nodded, watching Chell's hand move up.

Then it dawned on her… oh geez! She had rubbed her face with her dirty hands! There were two twin smears of charcoal on her face, starting just beside her nose and running down her cheekbones. Under the core's aid, Chell tried to scrub the marks off her face with the backs of her palms, but really only made the problem worse. Now it looked like she was some kind of filthy waif, '_Please sir, can I have some more?' _or something equally as pathetic about her current state.

There was nothing Chell could do to clean up herself in the elevator. She was just going to have to continue testing looking like she had just swept a chimney. Damn charcoal... Picking up Wheatley, the human left the tube and prepared for another nagging session from GLaDOS.

"Again, with your long breaks. Perhaps you need less fiber in your diet." GLaDOS suggested.

Diet? When was the last time she had even eaten? Her stomach suddenly growled at the very thought of food. Oh man, she'd give her left arm for a sandwich or something. She almost cast aside what pride she had and did a pantomime to GlaDOS's cameras that she was hungry... but she thought better of it. What proof was there that GLaDOS would even feed her? Or that it wouldn't be poisoned?

Chell could do without a neurotoxin sandwich. She wasn't THAT hungry ...yet.

A camera buzzed as Chell finally came into GLaDOS's view, but the AI hesitated to comment right away. "I leave you alone for five minutes, and you get completely filthy." She said in disgust, looking over the charcoal smudges all over Chell. "Would you like a puddle of filth to wallow in? How about some more nice smelly garbage?" She computer offered, sounding quite sweet and friendly now.

_'You know what, my appearance doesn't matter. But if it pisses off her...' _Chell jammed her hand back into her pocket, rolling the stick of charcoal in her hand. Then she took her stained fingers and ran two darker marks under her eyes, as a football player might have. Out of gleeful spite, the lab rat grinned right at the camera.

"And now you are hallucination you are Rambo in a war long since antiquated? Oh my poor deranged test subjects... this always happens, every time." GLaDOS said.

If insanity really was a signature of GLaDOS's handiwork on other lab rats, Chell was honestly not surprised.

As Chell entered this test, she noticed one thing over the test itself. GLaDOS was a lot more careful only to put cameras on non-portal surfaces so Chell couldn't destroy them. It had only been a matter of time before the computer learned that lesson. But it was now creeping her out again to know there was nothing she could do to stop the Disc Operation System from watching her.

Of course she really couldn't do anything to stop Wheatley from watching her either, so why bother?

The test took a while to solve. Chell found she was becoming distracted with exhaustion. Rather than offer non-sequitor comments, Wheatley actually began to point out sections of the test that might work for portaling. The little sphere was learning, and fast, on how testing worked. He was also noticing something that had Chell break into a shiver.

"Is it just me, or are the rooms becoming less – crumbly?" Wheatley seemed unfamiliar with the idea of 'repairs', but he certainly noticed when the decaying lab he once feared he would die in started to look newer again.

Exhaustion and the sensation that GLaDOS was working to trap the human in a never ending series of tests so stupefied the lab rat she almost stumbled right out of the test without taunting the AI. Halfway out the door, the human stopped, remembered her 'task', and spun back into the room.

Then in a childish gesture, she slapped both hands to her cheeks, rolled her eyes up into her skull, and pulled her lips back to contort her face to a grimace. And for good measure, she stuck her tongue out. Bleh!

"For improving her appearance, the Marshmallow will be awarded 5 science points. Congratulations." GLaDOS replied in automation. "For improving his appearance with that HIDEOUS face, the Moron will be awarded 5 science points as well."

"W-wot? I d-wasn't -didn't... This is my NORMAL face!" Wheatley cried.

Ouch. Chell didn't mean for Wheatley to get a zinger like that tossed at him. Reaching back, the human's fingers found the crumpled armor of the sphere's shell and carefully pat him. Her only consolation was that GLaDOS had kept all the test minimally fatal.

For a few seconds, Chell was allowed to relish that thought.

"In order to improve testing moral, the next course has been replaced with a live fire exercise. … god knows you could use the exercise." GLaDOS chimed in.

… When was Chell going to learn that baiting GLaDOS only made the tests WORSE? Was that ANOTHER crack about her weight? And was it just Chell, or was she getting a lot more cutting with her comments? On second thought, sitting in the elevator plotting was giving an insane and murderous computer MORE time to think it over? Maybe she should be posing rhetorical questions or something to see if she could slow down GLaDOS computing.

Like: How many roads can a man walk down? Or how much wood could a woodchuck chuck? Or... uh... geez, Chell didn't know. This is not exactly her forte here. Oh wait, it was … paradox questions that did that anyway. Chell didn't know any of those. Only thing she could do was ask her the question to the answer '42' and see if the computer was either A) really insane or B) Liked the Hitchhiker's Guide books.

… or maybe C) Insane AND liked those books.

And you know, on hindsight, GLaDOS always got really spiteful upon being asked a question. It was best just to do nothing.

When the door of the chamber slid open, Chell found herself staring at the back side of a turret and locked up as jumbled memories avalanched inside her mind.

"Oh no. Not them." Wheatley whispered.

"Hello?" The turret said, unable to look behind it, or turn around.

"Um... no. No one is here. Just … just some corpses. Already got some bullets already, thanks." Wheatley babbled, his blue eye dashing about the room to find a way around the turrets while Chell was still locked up.

"Ok. Sleep-mode." The turret accepted this. The red beam pointing straight ahead swayed a bit, and then vanished.

It was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Chell, no longer terrified irrationally behind the turret, sprang forward. Seizing the bottom leg, she lifted it into the air and smashed it into the ground behind her.

"Put me down!"

Then she flung it over her head and smashed it into the other side.

"Ouch!"

Then she repeated. "Hey!" Again. "Ow." And Again. "Blwarf." And again. "Are you my mother?" So she sort of looked like some kind of crazy metronome as she slammed the turret around.

"... that was more violence than I initially expected, android." GLaDOS reported. "How could you do that to your own kind. You monster."

Chell glared at a camera.

GLaDOS answered immediately. "Ok, so you still aren't buying the android bit. It was a failed gambit anyway." If it hadn't worked the first time...

Wheatley was staring around at Chell in a bit of astonishment. "That'll do, luv, that'll do." and there was a pop as 25 words were reached.

Grinning, the human held her hand slightly above Wheatley on level with his handle and the core swung it forward to meet in a sort of high-five again. If Chell were to put how giving the little core a high five made her feel into a picture... it would have been a shark with a laser on it's head traveling down a rainbow WHILE ON FIRE. It was... just that epic (and random).

Chell picked up the ruined turret, and spotting the laser sights of another, she fired a portal on the wall above it, one on the floor under her, and then brained the standing turret with the ruined and destroyed one.

"I don't blame you." The turret's voice whined as it powered down.

Two turrets down... god knows how many to go.

But she was going to break them ALL.

Two more turrets in the hall were given cube-based concussions. BAM BAM.

And the three turrets in the room guarding the button... well...

"Are you done yet, because that was an overly-violent display that is causing me to reevaluate your mental record from 'heartless murderer' to 'serial killer'." GLaDOS reported over the PA.

There was no need for her to leave a message after he had plowed through the turret force like a wrecking ball. Mostly, Chell was just grateful she had not been grazed by one of the flurry of bullets that now pockmarked the room.

There was the familiar crackle as Wheatley passed through the emancipation grill. Such an odd sound... like popping popcorns inside his metal shell and popping bubble wrap at the same time. "Wow! J-just wow. I think that covers it." The core was gazing up at her in wonder. "Arms, didn't realize there were quite so useful. Good at holding things, yeah. And they are connected hands. Wonderful- hands are! But... WOW, you took out those turrets using ARMS! It's bloody genius!"

If anyone else had given Chell that compliment, it would have felt insulting, but coming from Wheatley, she took it to mean he had no clue humans could do things besides walk around and solve tests.

'Oh man, he was going to explode in shock when we get out of here,' Chell snorted. And her mood was so lifted, she didn't even realize she had used 'when' instead of 'if'.


	7. Turret Lullaby

**Torenko-chan: **You don't even want to _know_ what I did to the partitions. Let me just say I wasn't aware you could DO that to corrupt ALL the partitions. D: Thus – Vista on my lappy.

**Jason Grey:** I intended to make this a lot more introspective on Chell, but dialogue, puns, and verbal shticks are my greatest weakness/kryptonite. That, and I am at heart a sentimentalist made of warm fuzzies. (It makes for excellent angst when you are mean to them later *evil laughter*)

**Tatsu-ZZmage:** Minecraft is the best! Dwarf Fortress? Dwarf fortress PLEH! … my dwarfs keep drowning in rivers or getting killed by elephants or flooding cities with lava or DEATH BY CATS. I'm pretty terrible at it. It plays like if the Matrix screen were it's own game. Sooo confusing.

**I seem to be running a slight fever. Or maybe just overheating. But in any case I'll take advantage of being sick and try to get the next chapter out soon. I'm tempted to write an interlude chapter, but I'm funneling all the OCC insanity for a different project. **

**Sarcasm Still Valid**

* * *

><p>Exhaustion was beginning to catch up to Chell again as the elevator dropped yet another level to more tests, her eyes felt heavy and gritty. Rubbing at them with her knuckles, GLaDOS's voice echoed throughout the tiny room she was in. "Universal Coordinated Atomic Clock is now back online. All dates, times, and variance in Earth's orbit have been recorded. In order to provide test subjects with current news, I am now alerting you that it is exactly 3:42:40... a leap year. And also, it is a Tuesday."<p>

Chell felt that GLaDOS had just given her the most information that told her _absolutely nothing._

Examining the human's expression with the camera, GLaDOS correctly deduced Chell's current irritation. "Well, if you feel that way, then I will also tell you that yesterday was your birthday. I just wanted you to know."

… was it … seriously her birthday? For a moment, Chell struggled to remember what day her birthday was on exactly.

Wheatley seemed to believe GLaDOS. "Oh wow, well, happy birthing day! Birthdays, strange things. I always thought it was a bit odd to celebrate the day you were exposed to oxygen as the day you were... well... you. Rather than the day you started to exist."

Chell pushed herself off the ground of the elevator and into the hall, not really believing it was her birthday, but enjoying listening to Wheatley speak.

"... wait... ok, so I know how humans are- made." The core sounded flustered, "And actually, celebrating the day that two humans did... um.. well... _that," _Wheatley broke off, his metal plating shuddering just a bit.

There was a sudden and very long pause. "Yeah, you know, I think I understand celebration due to exposure to oxygen rather than the day your parents um... _they...you know, _makes it less disturbing._"_ Wheatley grew horribly awkward, stuttering and spluttering.

Haha, look what human bodily function embarrassed him now! Chell gave a unintentional giggle, actual _sound_ coming from her rather than the silent huff of laughter like before.

The noise startled everyone.

Wheatley's optic widened in alarm and his gaze darted up to one of the cameras. He had heard Chell laugh before, or grunt in pain when she caught him with her face, but speaking was beyond her. However... GLaDOS had _never_ heard the human many a single sound at all. Perhaps the AI was setting up more tests for them and had missed the soft noise.

"So you _can _make sounds." GLaDOS had been _listening._

Suddenly, Chell felt the situation wasn't funny anymore. In fact, she wanted back into testing as fast as possible before GLaDOS decided to try to figure out why it was Chell could make reflexive sounds but no words.

Entering in the next section, she emerged under the floor and watching in amazement as panel arms assembled the chamber above her head. Wow, if they could build one of those this fast... Chell really could be testing for the rest of her life. An endless world of one test after another, no breaks, and no stops.

Well... until she finally made _the big rest_ and just keeled over dead.

The floor below Chell's feet carried her up into the testing room, revealing three beacon like projections, a laser, and an emo cube. As well as three locks on the door. '_Ah geez, Trigonometry based tests now?' _The woman winced.

"Uhg, sorry luv. Not very good at these tests. Or story questions." Wheatley looked baffled by the test.

GLaDOS gleefully began to speak. "So if two turrets are traveling towards each other 16 miles apart in the vacuum tube tracks, one moving at terminal velocity and the other at half the speed of sound,-," the story problem question made Wheatley whimper.

Chell began to labor trying to adjust the emo-cube just enough to bounce the single beam to all three beacons when again... GLaDOS began to talk to her instead. _'Strange,_' Chell thought, _'I don't remember her being this chatty.'_

"You know how I'm going to live forever, but you are going to be dead in sixty years?" GLaDOS asked, watching as Chell fumbled with the last beacon to open the door.

_'And thank god for that.' _Chell snorted, rolling her eyes as she over-corrected with the emo-cube. _'I don't think I could take an eternity listening to you if I was stuck in here.'_

"Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well...," A musical tone reached GLaDOS' voice. "-more like a belated birthday medical procedure. … Well-," the tone became even lighter, "Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. But what's important is, it's a present!"

_'… I hope you kept the receipt,'_ Chell thought giving the emo-cube one last twist into place. Then, pulling out the charcoal, she wrote on the floor with her slanted scrawl, "No Thank you, I don't need it."

GLaDOS answer was vastly delayed, probably not expecting Chell to 'speak'. Chell finally managed the angle and hit all three beacons with the laser beam, unlocking the door noisily.

"Are you sure? It would help you lose weight?"

… why that lousy 64-mb processor!

"You first." Chell wrote again, smudging the letters a bit as she got up.

And this time there was no response from the AI at all.

"Honestly, any gift she gives is pro'lly going to involve neurotoxin, in some way." Wheatley burned through his last 25 words at a whisper, and Chell agreed with him with a slight incline of her head.

Through the Emancipation Grill, the door behind her slammed shut once her portals were removed. 'Team Imbecile' took the elevator ride in silence, Chell rubbing the charcoal stains from her hands onto her pants and putting more smudges on the orange fabric. The little sphere was watching her with intrigue.

"At this rate, you'll be wearing a black jumpsuit." Wheatley noted with amusement.

"Black is not a Aperture Science Testing apparel approved color." GLaDOS sounded disapproving.

Looking at the dirtied jumpsuit, there were stains of rust and dust from the aged test chambers smudged on the knees as well. Chell fingered a hole in the thigh of the pants, wiggling her index finger through it.

"Wot are you going to do? Confiscate her clothes because they don't match the uniform?" Wheatley asked in a querulous tone.

The human turned an embarrassed red. _'Oh my god... Wheatley if she takes my clothes and I have to run through here naked,... I'm going to kill you._' Chell's face flamed brightly.

"Oh! Turning colors again! What's that for, anyway? Camouflage? Wrong color for camo, dear." Wheatley perked up a bit, observing the flustered human.

Scrambling to grab the sphere and put him in the 'Shut-your-noise-maker' hold (IE: mushing him against her 'fluff' as he called it), Chell fumbled him across the floor unsuccessfully.

"Human skin is able to change it's hue by adjusting the blood supply. Upon an embarrassment stimulation, a select few test subjects choose to blush rather than die in a fire." GLaDOS informed Wheatley. "The Marshmallow had not previously demonstrated this ability before."

Blue optic was gazing at the pink flush on human skin, Wheatley rolled to the side a little, evading Chell's grasp again. "Wot ability? Blushing? Or... dying in a fire?"

"Both." GLaDOS answered.

Chell glared up at the ceiling, missing Wheatley yet again as he rolled under her grasp. GAH,... how was a core with no freaking legs dodging her so well... _'Don't you dare give him any ideas! He already gets a kick of out embarrassing the crap out of me.'_ She doubled her glare towards the camera fit into the top of the elevator.

"I'll give you a hint... humans are easily embarrassed by-," GLaDOS spoke in a shifty voice, talking directly to Wheatley who twitched with interest. The slight pause in the sphere's rolling allowed Chell time to snatch him up and stuff him into the 'shut up' hold. Keeping Wheatley pressed into her chest, Chell brought her knees up and curled her arms around him, blocking all protests from the sphere and dampening anything he might hear GLaDOS say. He did NOT need MORE advice.

The camera at the roof of the elevator buzzed. "You know, you should be grateful your Protocol Testing Partner is only a personality sphere rather than another human or a full sized bipedal testing bot." GLaDOS gave an airy tone. "For starters... I believe doing that with a human male would qualify you as one of the most depraved humans to have darkened my facility in a long... _long_... time."

She hadn't thought it possible, but Chell blushed even more and quickly released Wheatley so he fell back into her lap.

"And THAT is how you sufficiently embarrass a human... amateur." GLaDOS gave a haughty sound at Wheatley, who was staring up bewildered.

Now it was a real struggle to keep a straight face. So... off-color for GLaDOS, it was actually funny to hear the statement as if GLaDOS were master of human behavior (… and maybe she was). Or maybe Chell's sense of humor was becoming twisted. But the real fight was to keep her face blank as she walked passed the glow red eye of the security camera with Wheatley tucked in her arms. Chell's mouth twitched and she failed at a poker face, biting her lower lip with the corner of her mouth twitching in mirth and her nostrils flaring to try to keep from laughing. Her cheeks were still flushed from embarrassment too.

At least the expression was so stupid, GLaDOS would have a hard to figuring out what the human was doing, exactly. _'Master that expression, you crazed AI!' _Chell thought, exhaustion making her slightly maniac.

The smile was instantly wiped clear when she entered a room and a red dot moved to her chest and bobbled for a second.

_'OH CRAP!'_

"Activating!" A high pitched voice chirped and a hail of bullets scattered in Chell's direction.

The human's first reaction was to heave the object in her left hand at the turret and dive to safety. Bullets clanged around her as she rolled on the ground, now tucked behind the wall.

KLANG! "OW!"

… wait... left hand?

OH SHIT, WHEATLEY!

The sphere was rolling slightly on the ground next to a downed turret with a massive dent in the white armor and the red eye darkened. His blue eye swayed dizzily and he gave a slight groan, the turret was completely disabled. Sliding into a crouch next to him, Chell dropped the ASHPD to scoop him up with both hands. Giving him a slight shake, she tried to get Wheatley to speak.

"Did... I get 'im?" The sphere slurred.

Nodding, Chell carefully rolled her fingertips in small circles oh the core's hull, as if rubbing away a headache against his marred and scratched armor.

"... 'M rebooting, aw'right?" The core wobbled, his gyros churning randomly. How badly damaged was he? The blue eye closed, and there was a sound of a processor slowly whirring down in frequency. However before the human could entering a frantic state, the sound picked up again, along with the familiar grinding and clicking of a computer booting up.

"He's fine." GLaDOS's voice startled Chell. "Well, in relative terms. There is no cure for idiocy after all. He's just doing a rolling system reboot to reset the sensors you so cruelly scrambled." The human winced at the accusatory tone.

Chell nearly kicked herself for her reflexively careless gesture. She hadn't meant it, letting the little sphere get hurt was the furthest thing from her mind while escaping. But it had been her own fault, using Wheatley as a projectile. Tying the sphere back into the jumpsuit as he rebooted, Chell made a mental note to never do that ever again. And to destroy all the turrets as violently as possible now.

If the little turrets had known what was coming after them in an orange jumpsuit, they probably would have chosen to shut themselves down.

Every camera watched as Chell dodged bullets, portaled behind turrets, or used light bridges to walk above the danger. The last two turrets at the end stood alone as she emerged behind them. Every other turret in the testing chamber had been smashed, dropped, concussed, crushed, or a medley of other destroying methods. Chell had been getting _good_ at destroying them. Normal protocol would have been to pick up one turret and smash it against the head of the other...

But Chell was getting tired. The adrenaline panic from Wheatley's damage was already fading off. Destroying turrets until they crumbled out of their white metal shells took a lot of energy.

Instead, she stepped up, pat them both on the back, and left without destroying them.

"Thank you." One turret said.

Chell didn't reply, of course.

But it would have been hilarious if she had stuck 'shoot me' signs on them both.

There was a snap followed by a metallic whirring sound and Wheatley gave a groan. "Uhg, w-wot did I miss?" He blinked blearily, as if waking from a long sleep.

Chell was just leaving the test, adrenaline from the live-firing course now complete worn off leaving her a stumbling mess. At Wheatley's groggy voice, she pulled him free, and with a distraught expression she rested her forehead against his metal shell in an apology.

"Aww, w-you- you look like someone spilled your milk. Look, if I survived dropping of my management rail, being nearly crushed by _the dragon_, dropped in water, and then taking out a turret... all on my own, mind you... I have a feeling I'm invincible!" The core grew more and more animated as he tried to convince the human he was fine.

A panel on the wall swung open, revealing a vacuum tube. "Would you care to test that theory?" GLaDOS asked. "There is always space in the incinerator."

"Uhno. No. Very no." Wheatley self corrected, suddenly humbled.

Waiting for the elevator, Chell wondered why it kept taking her down and down. How far down did it go? … and how far up would they have to go to escape? Wheatley's blue eye was staring at her, the aperture widening when they met gazes.

"We forgot to taunt..." The core lead off, his gaze darting to the camera briefly.

Oh yeah. Chell had forgotten to taunt GLaDOS with her little spherical friend. In fact, she had forgotten several times now. It had been hilarious fun at first, but now Chell found she was too tired, to anxious, and to fearful of some kind retaliation when this close to their escape.

If the escape was still there.

"Hey... um... hey _you."_ Wheatley said suddenly to a camera.

"If you are trying to get _my _attention -Moron-sphere- keep in mind I AM this facility, and **will** be crushing you later." GLaDOS growled.

Wheatley sort of flexed his metal shell outwards, 'fluffing' like an angry cat would as he tried to keep his temper in check. The human suddenly cupped a hand over her mouth to keep from giggling. Now, the only thing her brain could picture was a tiny little Wheatley-cat.

Giving a slight growl, Wheatley tried to keep his most cordial tone level after the insult and threat. "What would we have to do to be released? To the Outside, you know. Test some more? Time off for good behavior? How about distinctly NOT blowing up things. I think we can do that." The core asked.

The elevator arrived, and the panels around the hall flexed in GLaDOS's irritation. Chell quickly jumped into the tube and allowed it to carry her on. GLaDOS answered once her 'cargo' was safely moving. "What makes you think the outside is safe? It's a horrible place. Aperture Labs is much safer. And you'll live longer – though futile it may be – if you stay here. With me. And have cake."

Bribing Chell had never worked thus far, so why was the AI even still trying? There wasn't even any cake! In fact, all the attempts GLaDOS had ever made only succeeded on setting goosebumps on the human's flesh and causing her to wonder if she was insane.

… or maybe that was the whole point.

"I say we put it to a vote." Wheatley complained. He looked at Chell and the human nodded. No matter what the 'vote' would be, she was voting with Wheatley! "Release us without death verses continue testing. We want a vote."

GLaDOS paused. "Alright. All in favor of releasing the current test subjects... say Aye."

Chell suddenly saw the flaw in the plan.

"Aye!" Wheatley said. And then he quickly saw it too.

Chell couldn't speak.

"All opposed say nay. Nay." GLaDOS announced. "Oh, look at that. Stalemate. What a shame. Resume testing." She ordered them.

Oh well. It had been a vain attempt anyway.

There was a musical sounding hum from the speakers. "I was going through the inventory of cryogenics." GLaDOS said as Chell leaned her forehead against the glass as she rested in the tube with Wheatley in her arms.

The core went completely still.

Chell looked down at him in confusion before remembering that _he_ had been 'responsible' for the god knows how many people in cryo that had died over the years. Was there anything he could have done? Short of releasing them all – no.

Was he going to get blamed? – probably.

Was it going to be bad? – Oh hell yes.

Wheatley had asked her back then if the situation ever came up to lie... well... not that she could verbally lie... But she could at least defend Wheatley. Chell only looked at the camera, indicating that _'Yes, psychotic computer, you do indeed have my attention'. _

It seemed that was what the computer system was waiting for. "In the inventory, were two humans that shared your surname. … hmm, what are the odds, especially for such a unique name of **[REDACTED]**." GLaDOS gave an amused hum right before the automated word slammed into the end of the sentence with a static filled hiss.

_GLaDOS always lies. Never believe her. GLaDOS always lies, never believe her..._

But the mantra didn't help Chell's heart, which had accelerated to a jack hammer. Logic! Use logic!...

But that made the problem worse. Cold storage had powered down sometime during the last hundred years, killing power to compartments as it went. Wheatley had implied that there was no one left, but it was obvious the sphere wasn't the most perceptive little guy at times. Even with auxiliary power bleeding out of the systems, Chell had been awake for a few hours before accidentally reviving GLaDOS. Were there a few hours of power left in the reserve system to keep... keep a survivor alive in cold storage until GLaDOS fixed the meltdown and restored power?

Why was she even considering this? It was stupid. Logic was stupid! It was an obvious trap, meant to cause her too think too hard about what she said and not about the tests. No more distractions. It had nearly killed her friend (and herself) in the last test. Wheatley was still completely silent, afraid that saying anything about cryo would cause GLaDOS to somehow realize it was his job to be watching humans.

The elevator ride took far too long for a normal ride, but at least Chell got a bit to rest. Until GLaDOS spoke again and set the woman jerked out of her half-doze, that is. "I'll make you a deal. Survive this test and I have a surprise for you."

A nervous twitch hit the human. GlaDOS's surprises NEVER EVER were good.

When GLaDOS had disconnected from the PA with the static pop following a broadcast, Wheatley finally dared to speak, activating his sub-speakers to whisper, "Um... t-the escape route I sabotaged is two tests away. But d-do you think the surprise is going to be f-fatal?"

Without responding, Chell grit her teeth. GlaDOS's surprises were either fatal, or mind-breakingly traumatizing. So … yes. Yes it would be.

Entering the test, Chell found herself jumping clear of a turret's beam coming from a vent shaft and standing in a room SURROUNDED on two sides by turrets. With only a glass wall between her and a hail of bullets.

And they were all watching her. And about 6 voices called out in unison "Hello?"

Wheatley sighed. Chell wanted to swear, but instead sighed just as heavily as the core had at the same moment. The two of them sounded like a mighty bellows in a forge, huffing away in disappointment. Great. But a thought was niggling in Chell's mind. GLaDOS had instructed them to 'survive' this test, yet she hadn't said to just solve it... did that mean the AI approved of their cheating previously, or was it a challenge to try it again? _'She's taunting us. Like: 'Just TRY it, I dare you. Mwahahaha'... Okay, that sounded right. Evil laughs make all the difference.'_

While she pondered this puzzle, Chell began to whistle. Or at least she tried. Licking her lips, she pursed them and got a few notes out before they were reduced to the sound of air blowing. Trying again, she caught the notes this time in the beginning of a tune before the sound petered into blowing air.

Her attempts at music had caused something most bizarre to happen. All the turrets were now focused on her. Not with their red aiming beam, but with their guns aimed at the floor and their red eyes dulled. One of them even sighed "Sleep mode", and seemed to stand down.

… did they like music?

Wheatley apparently had the same idea. He started singing the turrets a lullaby. However after the first three words, it became obvious Wheatley had no clue what a lullaby was supposed to sound like. "Standby mode. Standby mode. Shut down all your processors." He tried to sing, his voice remarkably in-key for the attempted lullaby. Some sort of parody of Brahms lullaby by the tune of it.

And what was more shocking... it seemed to be working. Turrets swayed a bit, most of them pulling their guns in and another one dropping into sleep mode. The core continued to sing slowly, however meeting Chell's gaze, he quickly rolled his eye towards the door. Get moving! Chell blinked in alarm and realized he wanted her to just walk right in front of the turrets!

… but... she did trust the sphere. Even thought it went against all common sense Chell had... but she stepped around the glass wall and into the line of fire.

There was nothing shooting at her.

"Hibernate. Hibernate, shoot test subjects another day." Wheatley sang slowly, his words with a peaceful lilt, and a few more turrets dropped off. Chell walked quickly around the turrets, giving extreme care that her longfall boots didn't click on the floor. She would swear for the life of her, it _sounded_ like one of the turrets was snoring...

"Reboot, and shut down. Defragment hard drives all around." And when he was about to repeat that verse... the core's vocal unit gave the familiar 'pop' of using all 25 words.

… Chell was now in the middle of a group of half-dozing turrets, a mute sphere, no voice of her own, and suddenly feeling like she was about to die a very horrible death.

One of the turrets ahead of her jerked, slowly waking back to a half alert scanning mode. And it probably would have too... if there hadn't come a sound that was much more melodic than Wheatley's attempt at a lullaby. A soothing vibration of a song was in the air, and the rest of the turrets dropped entirely into a hibernate mode, completely unaware of everything.

Chell's heart was somewhere in her throat as she gave the most frantic tip-toe attempt ever, and ended up pressed in the door frame of the hall, panting for breath in terror. The song continued, too deep to be a turret's noise, and without any sort of words. It sounded … kind of familiar.

… wait...

GLaDOS was humming.

And after a few beats, Chell placed the song. "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow".

Odd... it sounded as soothing as a lullaby. But context related, after Chell's own whistling, Wheatley's lullaby and now GLaDOS humming? Chell had no clue what any of this meant. But if she had to guess... she'd swear it was a challenge to Wheatley and herself...'_Anything you two can do, I can do better'_. Or something.

Once through the emancipation grill, GLaDOS finished her tune and Wheatley's word count was reset. Silence filled the hall though, broken only by was the now positively snoring from the turrets (and one of them saying it wanted a pony).

"Um... d-... did that count as surviving the test?" Wheatley asked.

Chell was in a state of confusion. If GLaDOS had not started humming, the human would have been left to fling herself through a live firing ground as every turret woke up. Chances of her getting out unharmed weren't impossible... just unlikely. Why – why had the murderous AI done that? First she starts breaking her own rule about no communication during testing (though taunting seemed to be above that rule) and now she-

GLaDOS spoke suddenly, the confused expression on Chell's face wiping into brief surprise at the sound. "I have discovered a sub-routine in all Aperture Science Sentry Turrets that I was not previously aware of. Looks like those lab boys left -what is without a doubt- the stupidest bit of programming behind ever... aside from yourself ID core." GLaDOS ended with what sounded like a flattering tone, … and a taunting insult.

That didn't really answer Wheatley's question, or dampen the horrible burn on any of Chell's unasked ones. So Wheatley tried again. "Yes, but... do we have to have a surprise now? I mean, we didn't _properly_ solve the test now, did we? As … um...as a 'not-reward', can we go without the surprise?"

"Oh, there _will _be a surprise." GLaDOS opened the elevator for the test subjects. "In fact, I'll take you there now. I'll even give you a hint. Two people who you haven't seen in a long time,..."

The look Wheatley gave Chell plainly said, _'Well, we're going to die. We're going to die just two tests from our exit. … Are we life's jokes?' _He looked miserable.

And yet, he didn't look half has miserable as Chell did. She had a horrible feeling she knew what surprise lie ahead...


	8. Escape Plan Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

**Sarcasm Still Valid**

**6/19/11 **

* * *

><p>Long elevator trip was loooong. So very long. And boring. Chell was too on edge from the promised 'surprise' to nap this time. The worry telegraphed itself to her legs, which bounced with nervous energy unable to stay still. Wheatley tried his best to keep Chell calm, and just the sound of his voice seemed to do the trick. So the little core just kept talking.<p>

Within the first ten minutes, Wheatley told her all the jokes he knew... and then all the punchlines of the jokes he forgot. Then he told her about lab gossip,... which for the past hundred years, consisted of which Management Rail was squeaky and who had fallen off of it. And then he gave Chell a recipe on cake. That took another ten minutes to actually DESCRIBE the cake Chell was fairly certain was inedible. But she was still glad for the chatter the core made.

Chell was sprawled on her back in the bottom of the tube, both her legs in the air kicking against the glass wall as she was shuttled to the next test. With the springy heel of the longfall boots, the human began a drum solo on the elevator walls. The personality core was resting beside her head on the floor, next to a discarded ASHPD.

In fact, the trip was so long that Chell actually managed to teach Wheatley how to play 'Rock, Paper, Scissors'. They even found a way around his entire lack of hands problem. When both of Wheatley's handles were inwards, that was 'rock'. When one was up, and one was down, that was 'paper', and when both were pointing up, that was 'scissors'. There had been a few moments in the game where Wheatley rolled into a symbol that didn't exist, or Chell had forgotten what _exactly_ would beat rock...but for the most part it wasted a good half hour.

"I am surprised." GLaDOS's voice was completely unsurprised as it came over the elevator's speakers. The speakers were embedded into the wall next to the lift control mechanism (the mechanism would do nothing as long as GLaDOS had control of the system and Chell disregarded it as 'decoration'). There were no cameras visible in this elevator tube, but the chance that Chell had learned to teleport to freedom were actually HIGHER than her escaping the car without notice with all the sensors on the stupid thing. Cameras were not needed.

...Hindsight: Chell should have told Wheatley to hack the lift system and kidnap her elevator. Dammit.

GLaDOS continued, interrupting the game the two test subjects had been playing. "Most test subjects develop claustrophobia or acrophobia from the constant use of elevators before each test. However, you have not."

Since GLaDOS couldn't see her (probably), Chell didn't react. She only continued to kick out the rhythm on the wall and threw another symbol to Wheatley. She and Wheatley both threw paper. Never having been claustrophobic in her life, Chell didn't intend to start now.

"I suppose those terms are not correct though. It would be more of 'a fear of elevators'. Which is completely irrational. Because – seriously – elevators. They are just tiny little containers of glass being pushed by currents of air and using quarter-inch prongs to stop itself when it reaches the floor it wants... reaching speeds of up to 200 miles an hour and suspended in a shaft that -if dropped- would send you thousands of feet to your death."

Chell's eye twitched. Well when you put it THAT way...

Wheatley whimpered.

"Yes... completely irrational." GLaDOS agreed with herself. Both the test subjects forgot about their game.

The elevator bounced to a halt a second later... on it's tiny quarter-inch diameter bolts that stopped it. Chell scrambled to her feet, suddenly eager to be off. They had been in the tube almost an hour, and the human's legs were numb with pins and needles.

GLaDOS – pleased with the new location- offered a few words. "Sorry that took so long to get you here. I wanted to give you your surprise."

_'Oh joy.' _The extreme look of anything-but-joy was evident on the human's face.

"We're going to die, aren't we." Wheatley shuddered. Chell worked him free from the harness, wanting very much to feel him in her arms as a solid and real weight. Whatever the surprise was, it was undoubtedly going to be horrible.

"It took me a while to find your perfect surprise. Just the thing to give you after many many years... without seeing you." GLaDOS cooed.

Chell did NOT want to see the surprise. If it was a cryo capsule in which to put her to sleep indefinitely again- She didn't want to see. If it was her parents, their dead and frozen bodies lying lifelessly on the ground- She didn't want to see. If it was a inescapable deadly trap poised to spring and deliver DEATH at moments notice—she _definitely_ did not want to see that coming. Chell didn't want to see anything GLaDOS had to show her.

And if it was cake, tell it to fuck off! At this point, Chell didn't want cake, no matter how hungry she was.

The room ahead was completely black, minus one spotlight that illuminated absolutely nothing.

"I can't see anything." Wheatley murmured, twisting in Chell's arms could try to peer into the room better.

Chell did NOT want to go in there.

"Come on." GLaDOS tried to coax.

Chell shook her head.

"Don't you want to see the surprise?"

Chell didn't budge. Instead she touched the portal gun tucked under her elbow. Couldn't they go back to testing?

"We will continue testing _right_ after this surprise." GLaDOS said, understanding the almost miniscule gesture precisely. It made Chell feel worse that the murderous computer could read her so well.

_'No, no nonononono.' _Like a small and petulant child, Chell didn't move, staring at the white light on the floor as if it would expand an illuminate the room. What if it were full of two dozen turrets? The floor could give out an drop her into an incinerator! There were too many variables in that room, too many risks! … but there was always the small chance, the miniscule possible that her parents had survived cold storage, only to be woken up when GLaDOS took control again.

"T-there's a trap in there, isn't there? Something painful? Really painful?" Wheatley's voice grew higher and higher. Then he broke into denial. "T-there isn't actually anything in there, is there? Just something invisible... like neurotoxin?"

"Don't ruin the surprise." GLaDOS purred, and the sound of something moving and hydraulics hissing came from behind the testing partners. One of the panel arms had pushed out of the wall and moved the panel so Chell could not back up. And then it began shoving at her back, pushing her into the room.

_'No!'_ Fighting a futile struggle, Chell dug her heels in, but the springy recoil absorber of the longfall boots was not intended to be rigid and bent under the shove.

The woman stumbled into the room, holding only the Wheatley for support.

And all the lights turned out. In the darkness, only Wheatley's brilliant blue eye could be seen darting about in a panic. Chell felt like joining him. One screaming panic, queuing up.

… but she hesitated when nothing immediately happened.

_'Am I still alive?'_ Chell wondered.

"Initiating surprise in 3... 2... 1."

Chell braced herself. Her grip on Wheatley tightened.

The lights turned on with a deep hum. There was a soft grunt from the woman as she clenched her eyes shut at the sudden brightness. It took only a second for her to open her eyes and stare out at the room.

And the room was em- Oh holy crap there was someone over against the wall! Piercing and lined eyes, wild in fury, stared at Chell and she felt her heart perform some kind of reboot. Stepping back in panic, the other figure did the same as well... and suddenly she felt very foolish.

That was a mirror.

Chell stood dumb-founded, looking at only a plain mirror on the wall, reflecting back her own twisted expression and Wheatley's battered form in her arms. She didn't realize just how haggard she was looking. Her hair was out of place, dark lines of exhaustion were beginning to smudge under her eyes, and her face was an absolutely mess of charcoal prints. If she met herself in a dark alley, she would run screaming.

"Surprise." GLaDOS suddenly said. The dispenser dumped a handful of colorful confetti on top of the human's head and the slightly off-key flat note of a noisemaker gave a feeble sound.

"When I said 'two people you haven't seen in a while'... I meant yourselves. Because honestly, you couldn't see your own toes over your weight gain_. _And the moron – well, I shouldn't have to rattle on about his 'abilities'." GLaDOS brusquely ended that insult. It wasn't a challenge to the supercomputer to taunt Wheatley, apparently. "It was your own optimism assuming it would be some_one_ else." The door out of the horrible surprise room spun open, now that the trap had been sprung.

… _'I REALLY should not have been surprised.'_ Chell slapped her palm to her forehead, one part shamed she fell for such a trick, and one part disgusted GLaDOS would even try. Then she pulled her hand off her head and started a slow golf clap with Wheatley tucked under one arm. Bravo. Well played indeed. _Clap. Clap. Clap._

There was no disappointment that her parents weren't there, the mirror was actually a relief – even her poor physical state wasn't nearly as bad of a mental trauma as she was expecting. In fact, if she never saw another living being here it would make her feel better, like she had saved lives by being GLaDOS main target.

She just wish she didn't have to be a martyr to do it.

"At least you can clean your face a bit better now." Wheatley sagged a little in relief, rolling so his cold optic was now pressed against her arm.

Chell did so, approaching the mirror and raising her wrist with the white arm band to her face to scrub at her cheeks. It took a little spit-shine, but most of the dark smudges were removed – the marks under her eyes, to her dismay, were really as dark as the mirror showed.

"It'll be aw'right. Really. I mean, it can't get much worse than testing, can it?" Wheatley tried to cheer up the human. He really did.

"... Can't it now?" GLaDOS's tone sounded amused, and entirely colder.

Chell winced. This would have been one of those moments that keeping Wheatley silent would have been an excellent thing.

Plowing forward and into the test, Chell tied her sphere friend back into the harness while she figured out what to do first. But her expression remained sour even as she started testing. The stress of being worried over her parents zombies or whatever it was she was convinced GLaDOS was about to show her was still foremost on her mind.

"If you are upset about the implied parents I promised to procure... I do have good news..." If that was supposed to _comfort _her in any way... "Upon entering the Aperture Science Girl's Orphanage, all children are then wards of Aperture Science itself. Which means... I'm technically _your mother_."

Chell's stomach (if there had been any contents in the last hundred years) would have voided any contents as it felt like it did a couple of barrel rolls, socked her liver, then was suddenly full of butterflies having some kind of dance rave (complete with glowsticks and a blacklight, … god damn butterflies). And like a scene out of the Star Wars movies itself, Chell dropped to her knees, lost her grip on the ASHPD, and threw her head and arms in the air in a giant, silent, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Hmm, I was convinced that would cause you to produce at least some sound. Perhaps you really are brain damaged beyond repair." GLaDOS seemed frustrated.

Twisting in his harness, the sphere tried to look at the despairing human. "Chell? Chell! … ummm... Cheeseburger?" Wheatley tried to get Chell's attention the best way he knew how – irritating her.

There was a small reflexive 'rrrrgggg' from Chell's stomach, not nearly as loud as any of the previous times. The human gave a wince and looked down at Wheatley with a _'Why are you still doing this?'_ expression.

Completely serious, Wheatley drew his shutters half closed, "Even if she's your mum, it doesn't matter. You're my friend, _and we are still getting out_." The last bit was said over the sub-speakers, in a tone soft out of GLaDOS's hearing range.

A weary smile flicked onto the human's face. But only for a few seconds. She was tired, fatigued really. It was her sheer willpower alone that kept her on her feet when she was this tired, hungry, thirsty, and a vary of other issues that made her want to stop and curl into a corner somewhere. That was right... GLaDOS always lied... this was just another lie in a long chain. And being in charge of the abandoned Aperture itself didn't mean GLaDOS was her mother any more than it meant putting on a crown and declaring yourself king made you royalty.

"You walk, and I talk." Wheatley said, as Chell managed to get back to her feet. That's right. That was their deal. Chell would be the locomotion power, and Wheatley would make sure she didn't go off the deep end.

By the time the test was done, there was a turret in a smoldering pile, several emo-cubes were discarded on the floor, and Chell was traipsing across the light bridge with an expression that was entirely satisfaction. OOH YEAAAAH. In fact, the urge to gloat and taunt GLaDOS came rushing back. Spite for spite – Chell would have vengeance for the attempt the AI had earlier.

"Yes, what now?" GLaDOS focused on the smug looking human.

Ignoring GLaDOS, Chell then took half a moment to give Wheatley a kiss above his optic. Just a brief kiss, like stopping on the way out the door to kiss on the forehead of a sibling wondering where you are off to or a dog happily awaiting your return.

Wheatley burst into static.

GLaDOS made a displeased noise and the cameras hummed for a moment.

"ID core... were you aware some humans with brain damage are compelled to devour metal and other inedible objects by some strange and unreasonable craving? It's true. What you are mistaking for gestures of affection are actually her trying to see which parts are the tastiest." GLaDOS said, quite seriously.

Chell snorted.

"Marshmallow, I will give you the answer. The tastiest part would be the CPU processor. And I can promise absolutely no weight gain from it as well. - Warning: Consumption of non-specified motherboards may lead to lacerations, acid reflux, rupture of the intestines, lead poisoning, mercury poisoning, neurotoxin poisoning, and ~cake~." The word jammed in at the end sounded far to pleased and whimsical for the heavy handed warning that had just been issued.

Meanwhile, Wheatley appeared to be rebooting. Perhaps that kiss had been just a little too much for him...

* * *

><p>The next test had only a brief elevator ride, mostly in silence. Wheatley, sensing Chell was becoming fatigued beyond the point she could push herself with sheer tenacity, spent the time murmuring softly to her. Just quiet-spoken random things. At one point he started listing things he wanted to do when outside, such a find a deer and seeing the sun. It was the sound of his voice that kept the human awake, convinced she wasn't insane yet.<p>

And now, she was going to test the _hell_ out of this chamber.

It was time to utilize aerial faith plates and flinging techniques. Four turrets guarding the door... but there were laser beams, as well as emo cubes. It was like GLaDOS WANTED her to start fires.

Which –truth be told- was totally alright with Chell.

Before she started though, Chell wanted to know one thing. It was a question that was probably not going to have a favorable answer. But she had to know. Pulling out a briquet of charcoal, she scratched a single question onto the ground before she continued.

_'What would it take for you to let us go free?'_ Her handwriting was pretty bad, admittedly, but it was clear enough to read from the far camera. Assuming GLaDOS hadn't found Wheatley's hack job and moved the displaced panels back into place - the way out they had carved for themselves probably wouldn't be safe with a furious AI in charge of the facility trying to recapture them. If there was a legitimate way out, besides destroying the AI again, the human was willing to do it. … To a degree, that is.

GLaDOS was silent. To be expected. It was better than a cutting insult, that was for sure. The cameras in the room buzzed as they focused on her.

After a long moment, there was a smooth reply, "I will consider this."

The human nearly fell over and Wheatley's eye lost a little bit of focus in shock. Standing with a wide stance, Chell stared gap jawed at the camera, unsure the computer had really just said that. Seriously? … no, GLaDOS couldn't be serious... could she? … Seriously? The confusion was shaken away a few seconds later. If the AI _was_ serious, it was best not to let her dwell on it. The longer GLaDOS was allowed the think and plot, the worst it always got for Chell.

Chell was careful not to get injured as she rushed through this test. After all, she had a feeling Wheatley's rescue plan might be painful if her own gambit failed. Her attention was a bit divided as well and she found herself slowing just a little. Trotting to the now unlocked door, Chell felt a small well of excitement overwrite the anxiety. One more test after this and then the escape would be there!

"I thought about our dilemma." GLaDOS reported in, once Chell had entered the hall. The woman's head swung upward, eager to hear. "And I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us." And that was all GLaDOS said.

Chell sighed. She really wasn't surprised – '_one_ of both of them'... in other words the other gets the shaft. And going by track records, it was going to be the lab rat. It would have been more surprising if GLaDOS had said "lol, sure" and opened a passage right to the surface. But then Chell would have assumed to to be a trap and refused. It was a no-win situation. Chell would never trust GLaDOS for the easy way out, and GLaDOS would never offer it.

"Turn in the ID core at the next receptacle, and complete the rest of the testing gauntlet without him. Upon completing that, you will be tagged and then returned to the surface for observational data in the wild." GLaDOS said, the nearby camera swinging down to observe Chell's reaction.

That was just as bad as not being released at all! Chell had promised Wheatley to escape, leaving him here went against her word. Even if she was the only living human left in this crazed place, the one thing she had of her own was her very word and will. She wasn't going back on a promise. And being tagged and released seemed just as bad as playing in the incinerator room.

"T-that sounds horrible! How can that be good for me?" Wheatley cried.

"I believe I said for 'one of both of us', you were not included in that. The hardware I installed in you for testing has almost served it's purpose. The data must be recovered." The mechanical voice of the female AI was cool.

The human's hostile frown was an answer to GLaDOS's request on it's own. She wasn't giving up Wheatley, OR letting GLaDOS pull whatever hardware he had in his little body out. In fact, her expression seemed to radiate _'mine!' _to the camera. Chell curled her arms around the little core possessively.

"Yeah! You tell 'er!... well... sorta." Wheatley encouraged the human.

Without taunting GLaDOS further, and half afraid she had already pissed off the AI to new levels of spite, Chell climbed into the elevator when it arrived and sat on her normal position on the floor: slumped against the wall in a truly boneless fashion with the personality core in her lap.

"One more test." Wheatley whispered. The rush of testing adrenaline was about to begin.

-0-0-0-0-0-0

The nervous energy of just one more test to go was hard to disguise. Chell – master of the poker face – could feel the strain of anxiety turning her insides into a giant wound coil. Even Wheatley was showing the strain, his eye darting around the room in a nervous fashion.

GLaDOS wasn't blind, and she certainly wasn't foolish. "Test subjects are reacting strangely to the test stimuli. Did the adrenal vapors finally cause a small stroke in your brain? Or are you _up to something._" Every camera focused on Chell, trying to deduce what the human had planned by analyzing her facial expression.

Wheatley was kept silent by a cautious palm gripping his upper handle, otherwise the guilt in his voice would have been as good as a confession. They needed – more than ever – to appear normal. So they threw themselves into solving this test. Wheatley would whisper simple one or two word ideas for the test (most of which would have set Chell on fire), and Chell toiled to find a solution. The puzzle seemed to be how to get three lasers into three receiving cusps using one two emo-cubes and a portal.

Time to juggle emo-cubes.

Getting all three burning laser beams into one portal hole, Chell had to hopscotch between the red beams to get passed them safely. The only mistake made would be a slight burn to the leg as Chell worked too close to one of the other beams and the proximity heat alone caused her to give a strangled yelp of pain.

The core went into a panic. "Ahh! Q-quick! You have to- to... suck out the venom!"

Even wincing in pain, the 'wtf' expression on Chell's face caused Wheatley to pause, check his database, and then try again. "Oh wait... snakes. Ok, you have to –," He paused, taking inventory of any sort of medical equipment they had... which was none. With a sigh, he gave her advice on the only thing they could do. "- don't put pressure on-." _**Pop!**_ From his earlier helping, Wheatley had used all his words allotted.

Not quite sure what to do with it, but if the sphere advised no pressure, that probably meant no bandage. Chell was just going to have to tough it out. The jumpsuit was loose fitting anyway, and the burning laser and caused the orange fabric to melt into nylon crumbles around the injury. It was about as free from anything touching it as Chell could get.

The double trill from the PA indicated GLaDOS was about to speak. "I am once again relieved you were not given limbs to test with, Moron. Your attempts at medical treatment would bring a malpractice suit down on Aperture Science so fast that our incinerator could not keep up with the steady stream of lawyers that would be arriving." GLaDOS said.

Wheatley gave the camera a glare, but his gaze kept darting back to Chell as she pushed herself off the wall and very carefully began limping to the door. The computer's prior gloating carried an ominous tone, but it didn't seem to be directed at the human. This one was entirely aimed at the defenseless sphere. As Chell boarded the elevator, she had the sudden thought the malevolent AI was planning something. Perhaps as punishment for the test subject's strange anxious behavior and her own obvious dislike for them.

"I have a surprise for you after this next test." the computer said, seconds later.

Chell's eye twitched. This was... getting crazy. She could HONESTLY do without this psychic mind-reading thing. OR without the surprises!

"Not a fake, tragic surprise like the last one. But a _real_ surprise, with _tragic consequenceeees." _GLaDOS voice modulator had another hiccup... or maybe she was doing it deliberately now. Either way, it was unnerving as hell.

"Wot, are you bringing out _my_ creators this time?" Wheatley sounded disgruntled. Chell struggled to keep her face impassive... because a disgruntled sphere is freaking adorable.

"No one is impressed by neck-bearded old engineers." GLaDOS remarked. "And that wouldn't be tragic... it would be _hilarious._" The AI seemed to revel in the memory.

Well, _that_ helped wipe any sense of humor from Chell. Sombre and more than a little disturbed, the elevator jarred the passengers a few seconds later and every nerve was set on complete edge. This was it. The test they would escape from. If they could. She just needed the nerve to force herself to continue while fatigued.

The fact she was still standing must have meant Chell had moxie of metal.

* * *

><p>Entering the final test chamber cautiously, Chell held her breath and peered in. This was it. Escape plan or bust – Wheatley's hack job and Chell's caution would either pay out or let them down in this test. The woman couldn't see anything unusual though, the test looked like all the others without a single panel out of place. Pale gray eyes looked down at Wheatley, wondering where exactly this escape was. However his gaze was locked on a section of wall.<p>

Panels were closed.

Lips tightening into a firm line, Chell had a sensation of the greatest disappointment. Like being promised chocolate cake and only getting a spoon full of chocolate-flavored sprinkles. All that hope – dashed away. However, the core didn't look distraught. He looked focused; the blue aperture of his eye would dart from the wall, up to a light bridge, and then to Chell in a pleading fashion. If Chell followed the path of his gaze like a map, perhaps he had a plan.

Head cocked to the side, Chell followed his gaze. _'Up there?'_ A long finger pointing up toward the bridge and received a nod from the core. Two shots from the ASHPD opened colored portals to give her a path to the light bridge. Then the core looked towards the pedestal button, his eye darting from the human and back again. As she approached, Chell had to wonder if perhaps Wheatley's 'shut up/25 words or less' program was malfunctioning... or was he frightened?

Pressing the button, a cube fell from the ceiling and landed on the bridge. However before it could bounce again on the blue Hard Light surface, there was a deep grinding and crackling noise, and suddenly everything went dark. The light bridge vanished, and Chell was caught by surprise as she twisted in the air to land upright. Power to any testing apparatus in the room had been cut. Anything that cast light into the room was now pale and dim, standby mode forced into the entire testing chamber.

Well... darkness was unusual. Not exactly an escape though.

"What's going on? That is not an authorized reaction to button pressing." GLaDOS's voice remained in the room, but she sounded bewildered.

The core rocked in Chell's arms. "The panel is opening! The wall I showed earlier. Go!" His sub-speakers activated again, speaking in a volume far below GLaDOS's hearing.

Bolting, Chell barely managed to avoid stumbling on even flat terrain. If the room had been full of rubble, she was sure she would have tumbled to the floor in the darkness. Not even the red glow from the cameras were visible, and the slightest pale beam of light came from a rectangular shaped hole now in the wall.

"Stop!" Wheatley cried, almost shouted really, as Chell reached the hole.

… which opened out into a seemingly endless drop.

Arms pinwheeling, Chell leaned backwards with all her balance and managed to stumble back into the room. Her breath was staggered with small hitches and gasps irregularly. They had opened an escape panel into _nothingness?_ Escape by death wasn't what she had meant when they tried to get out!

"Wait for it." Wheatley whispered now.

Not sure what he meant, Chell gripped the ASHPD tightly and prepared... for _something_.

The computerized construct _must_ have realized the test subjects had staged this, and there was a deep thrumming sound as every sort of auxiliary power system flipped on in the room in an attempt to bring the cameras and test back online. The whirring of turbines picked up and finally the room turned on with a pop.

The light bridge, aimed right at Chell, would have plowed right into her if the human hadn't jumped as it turned on. The lab rat was now standing on the glowing bridge that shot out into the darkened maintenance room.

"What do you think you are doing? Return to testing before you kill yourself." GlaDOS's smooth monotone was ruined by an urgent tone.

"Now! Run!" Wheatley sounded out. Chell listened without hesitation, already halfway across the light bridge.

"Running won't help you escape. It will just take you to die in some far off place that makes it difficult to collect your corpse. Don't _make _me waste resources to recover you." There was a sound of hydraulics working, and sudden the light bridge under her feet was gone as panel arms cut off the beam at the source. Inertia carried Chell to the catwalk just a few feet away and she went sprawling into the platform. Elbows and forearms scraped along the mesh surface of the platform, abrading the soft flesh.

Hauling herself to her feet, Chell nearly smashed her head into an empty carriage on the Management rail, similar to one that Wheatley had disengaged from at one point. The core strapped to Chell's backside was struggling furiously, his blue optic looking frantically at the carriage. If that didn't scream _'put me on that!' _Chell wasn't sure what did.

Yanking the makeshift harness off Wheatley so fast she almost pants-ed herself, Chell swung her arm upwards and connected Wheatley to the rail guide system. With a click and then a hum, power ran into the mobile system and the core jerked back and forth for a few seconds.

"Got it! Back online! That 'shut-up' program can sod off!" Wheatley gave a frustrated huff. "Com'on, Com'on! This way, quick!" There was a sound of tiny mesh teeth working frantically as the carriage pulled itself down the rail at a breakneck pace. The human was very quick to follow, casting a wary glance back at the test chamber they had just burst out from.

Wheatley was more than . "Ok, quick recap: We are escaping!"

Chell pumped her fist at this. _'Hell yea!'_

"Ok, that's what's happening now, we're escaping! So you're doing great, just keep running. Legs—fabulous things. And a quick word about the future plans I've got in store..." Wheatley was keeping pace with Chell on the rail beside her.

Plans? Beyond escaping? Chell was all ears.

"We're goin'ta shut down her turret production line, turn off her neurotoxin, and then confront her?"

… Wow, the little blue ball sure has … well... balls! The woman may have slowed down just a bit to gawk at the sphere in amazement. In her mind, she now had the best and most awesome Aperture Science Protocol Testing Partner EVER.

Wheatley gave a nervous chuckle at her awed stare. "Again, though. For the moment... _RUN!_" However, they soon ran out of section to run on. The catwalk was only a maintenance system for one lab, it just didn't extend outwards. They were stuck.

"Down! Down there, way down!" Wheatley's voice came fast and breathless, despite not needing to actually breath.

Chell braced her left hand on a panel arm and tossed both her legs over it in a graceful side-hurdle. Looking down she spotted a catwalk far below that took a detour in another direction. Anything was better than staying still where GLaDOS could find them, and Chell found she hadn't even hesitated before she shucked herself over the ledge at the platform below.

It only struck Chell much much later that she hadn't even judged the distance she would have had to jump, the fall, or to see how sturdy the catwalk was before jumping. She had put all her trust in a single moment's glance and jumped blindly. Luck, however, was on the woman's side, and she landed on another catwalk dead center with no trouble. While the landing was fine, it was getting back into a dead sprint that Chell found she was having problems with. Her running became slightly unsteady, a little panicked, and she could feel the dread lack of energy from an adrenaline burnout approaching.

"Go, gogogo," Wheatley cheered her on, sparks scattering from his own management rail, and more worrisome, from himself. "There's the exit! We're almost outta here!"

KLANG, and then a low and vibrating groan shook the back sections of the lab. Chell found herself slowing to a walk as she ...to figure out what was going-

-oh my god.

GLaDOS was trying to crush them WITH the lab!

_'Must go faster, must go faster!' _Chell ran with everything she was worth, watching in horror as giant I-beams came loose from their seats and knocked down sections of catwalk around her. The sound of squealing metal and crumbling concrete almost deafened Chell. But she could make out Wheatley's panicked 'into the lift!' as he followed his rail above the elevator.

Chell gave a leap, tucking and rolling right as one of the moving labs tore the catwalk out from where she had been fleeing. She landed roughly on the elevator, the entire building vibrating with the destruction of the section behind her.

"We-we made it!" Wheatley repeated with a single breath until he couldn't say it anymore. Chell was lying on her side in the elevator, gasping for air and watching as the two moving labs collided and destroyed everything between them – metal, concrete, and CERTAINLY anything organic.

"Can you get up? Do you need five minutes or something?" Wheatley looked down at the crumpled human from above, trying to urge her forward.

Climbing weakly to her knees, and then to her feet, Chell's legs felt like jelly. But she managed a weak smile at the core and followed him as he tried to match her slow pace. She stumbled off the lift and through a set of double doors. The occasional impact, or possibly an explosion shook the lab back here. Gasping for breath - unsure if it was due to fear or exhaustion- Chell continued along the path.

Once safely back in the factory, Wheatley looked around at the open area and then down at Chell who was puffing for breath. "Are you ok? D-do you look ok? Can you tell me how many fingers I'm holdin' up?"... there was a pause. "Oh wait... doesn't work unless I'm actually holdin' any up, does it?" He mumbled under his breath.

Waving her hand dismissively, Chell let him know with a weak smile she was fine.

"You sure you don't need a stop? Quick breather or anything, luv? Y'not lookin' too good." He said hesitantly, his accent becoming more broken.

Chell wanted more than anything a nap, a break, or a sandwich, but with GLaDOS on the rampage and willing to destroy large sections of her own lab to stop them – it was going to have to wait. The human took three stumbling paces forward, slow and steady, and then looked up to the sphere to encourage him to keep pace.

Wheatley was willing to move at a slower pace so the human could catch her breath and remained glued to her side on his rail. "Ok, well we've still got work to do. Com'on. This way." He encouraged. "At least she can't touch us back here." There was a click in the far distance, and then another growing closer. Lights turned off... one by one.

Chell was going to have to teach Wheatley how NOT to tempt the god of fate by saying things like that.

"Uh... what's happenin'? Uh.. oh that's not good." Wheatley mumbled, drawing closer to Chell from his rail. "Ah... hmm... okay, don't move." He offered.

And then the room went black. Everything was silent, Chell held her breath.

Nothing happened though. Just darkness. So dark that Chell couldn't see her hand in front of her- OW! That was her freaking eye! Giving a slight whimper, the human clamped her abused eye shut after jabbing it with her hand.

"O-oi, you are aw'right, yeah? What's wrong? … ah, afraid of the dark? Don't worry, dark can't hurt you... it's the stuff _in _the dark that you have to watch out for." Wheatley chuckled, turning so the small blue dot of his eye could be seen.

That was all Chell needed to see in the darkness to punch him for being a wise ass.

"OW!"


	9. The art of breaking things

**Wait, computer what are you-Ah... it... but...(BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH MY BRAIN)**

I am Kit's back-up brain, speaking for Kit herself. Kit seems to have suffered incurable brain damage at her computer breaking for a second time in two weeks. The problem this time? Upon turning it on, it kept rolling restarts without booting... and when a repair was attempted it said, "CANNOT FIND OS"

… I... I don't even know how I managed that. I am the computer God of Death. I swear, I am not playing table tennis with this lap top either, it just... ARRHHH! My only silver lining is the very night before I sent EVERYTHING to my beta. PD, you are a miracle right now.

So, until I figure out WHY my computer ate Vista like it was made of candy and then dared to say "please sir, can I have some more"... I will be writing and backing everything up in the most paranoid fashion you have ever seen.

**Sarcasm Still Valid**

6/22/11

* * *

><p>Sitting in the darkness in the midst of the Aperture warehouse, Chell had only the occasional flash of blue light as Wheatley looked around the darkened facility. GLaDOS's plan was apparently to turn off the lights and wait for Chell to go traipsing off a ledge into the darkness and turn into a meat pancake on the ground. It would be pretty effective, as far as death traps go and all, but after surviving much grander ones... Chell felt cheated.<p>

"Okaaaay-," Wheatley drew out, not even his blue optic visible in the darkness. Was he looking away? "So... I've got an idea."

… Chell was already feeling the icy touch of dread... but what choice did she have. Though every time Wheatley said 'I've got an idea', she was feeling an urge to cuff him upside the head.

"But it is bloody dangerous though... here we go." He was quiet.

_'What was the little metal ball-'_ Chell felt herself bracing an incoming wince.

**Click. **"AAHAHHGG!" Wheatley gave a sudden howl.

Chell found herself stumbling back in panic with her mouth open in a silent cry of alarm... mostly at Wheatley's own panic, as he turned on ...his eye. A white beam of light was now blinding Chell, who had pinned herself against the railing in surprise with both her arms raised in defense.

The two of them were silent for a bit. Wheatley's top eyelid drew down in frustration.

"Oh fer gods- they _tol'_ me, that if I ever turned this flashlight on, … I WOULD DIE. They tol' me that about _everfin'._" The core began traveling down the path, lighting the way for Chell. "They even tol' me that I'd die if I ran two programs at the same time. Or about the time I would die if I ever disengaged from my rail. Rubbish!" He sighed.

Chell reached up, and violently palmed her forehead, frowning in concern. He had scared the CRAP out of her.

"Haha, sorry, sorry." Wheatley chuckled. The bright blue eye and beam focused on Chell, the brightness almost blinding after she had adapted to the dark. "You know, you listen really well. I mean, I said I had a way out and even thought we couldn't see it –even I thought it was gone for a moment- but you went with it anyway. And I tell you to run, and you do, and –," The core suddenly went silent, his eye darting down to stare at Chell's feet.

She supposed it was flattering for him. Having someone listen to everything you say after being ignored or alone for so long. If personality cores were built to influence GLaDOS, then Wheatley had adjusted his own programming to influence a human instead of a massive corrupt computer. It was their purpose in life to do such things – to be influential – so with as much success as Wheatley had convincing Chell to go along with his plans – it was probably a giant boost to the ego. Sure, while most of his ideas had very nearly caused her pain, the ones that did work turned out _brilliantly_. And the core did make an excellent companion.

"This way! We're taking a short cut to the turret factory." Wheatley moved forward a few feet, stopped, and then waited.

Chell, with a slight and visible limp, followed the sphere. From his rail, Wheatley watched her slow progress with a dancing beam of light, the glowing light illuminating the path before quickly dashing back to the woman's form. Back and forth... as if he thought he was being sneaky... yeah, the _glowing beam of light_ kind of gave him away. If he was assessing the damage Chell had come away with from their escape, the human doubted she looked very good. It felt like everything ached, down to her bloodcells.

This back room beyond the modular test chambers seemed to be a warehouse. All cargo canisters, pipes, and conduits. It was also frighteningly _dark_, and even with Wheatley's light Chell was not sure of her footing. In fact, it was beyond 'dark' and somewhere in the 'blackness of GLaDOS's soul' range.

"Want t' hear something spooky?" Wheatley asked in a playful tone.

Did she really?... well.. why not. Chell nodded.

"It's a ghost story, and it's all completely true." Wheatley matched Chell's pace. "Except for the parts that aren't."

That brought Chell's head up and around, looking at him with bemused interest.

Wheatley continued. "They say before they got _her _running, they tried and tried to get the DOS mainframe online. They tried everything. Complex programs, modified data, and in the end, they tried the one taboo they shouldn't have-"

Chell found herself gasping despite herself.

"-they installed Windows Vista." Wheatley finished after a pause, shining his light on a scattering of dismantled turrets.

_'… ok, that is pretty scary, considering.'_ Chell shook her head, smiling slightly.

"Yeah. They put Vista in the DOS chassis. But even that didn't work, it kept asking for _security clearance. _So then... on a dark and stormy night-," Wheatley paused, as if listening for the very sound of thunder.

_'God, this was so cliché,' _Chell found her smile widening. Despite nearly being killed probably a dozen times already... this past HOUR, this attempt at a ghost story was more like a B rated bad horror movie.

"-The entire system crash." Wheatley finished after a beat again. "And when they tried to run the repair mode... they found the OS was GONE. Completely gone! Just-... deleted. The computer deleted itself right out of the chassis! Which... I have to admit, nothing is a whole lot better than Vista."

This time Chell fought an amused snort. Ok... when WASN'T Windows Vista crashing?

Wheatley continued. "They say on long nights after reboots, you can still see the Blue Screen... trying to test on the humans... but mostly just crashing."

Chell's laughter was now quite clear and loud, and she doubled up, bracing her free hand on her bent knees as she laughed. The ghost story was so outrageous and ridiculous, Chell's stoic facade shattered into wild laughs. How long had it been since she laughed like this? She honestly could not remember. And maybe that was why she was laughing. It had all bottled up to a dire panic. She needed to laugh or risk going crazy.

Wheatley returned to her side, watching her finish up with a few short gasps of air. "Feeling better? You're actually making some sound now, that's good, right?"

Chell nodded, wiping dampness from the corners of her eyes. Her smile didn't falter. Reaching up, her palm hung in the open air. Wheatley rolled forward into it, sort of a high-five for those without hands. Out of everything learned from testing, high-fives seemed to be the core's favorite action. Maybe second to hugs.

"Great, well, this way then." He said cheerily, very pointedly not looking at Chell in shyness, which directed the beam of light to shine on a wall. The raw panic of her flight from the testing labs had faded into a comfortable curiosity, but the exhaustion was not gone. Chell stepped over the ruin of many turrets, but even that felt taxing to her jelly-like muscles. She was in no condition for acrobatics and the beam of light was necessary in order not to fall on her face.

"Lets keep movin', the factory entrance should be around here somewhere." Sliding down the rail, Wheatley returned to his job of 'moving flashlight'.

"Careful! Careful..." He warned suddenly, Chell freezing. She didn't notice, but the ground ahead was gone. The catwalk was broken.

"Wait, careful, let me light this jump for you." Moving the beam, he showed her where she had to land. It was like he was a 'gentleman' trying to use his jacket to cover a puddle for his companion.

However companions of gentlemen didn't normally have to make 20 foot leaps from broken scaffolding into catwalks.

It was a little far for Chell's aching muscles, but she had no choice. Taking three steps back, she took a breath to smash the pain down and jumped into the dark air. Her landing was a little rougher than normal, but she made it in one piece.

Just with a horrible clang and rattle of the catwalk.

Chell really really hoped GLaDOS could not hear back here.

The two of them hopped across conveyor belts, dodged assembly line pieces and moved swiftly from platform to platform. Both were as quiet as they could allow, except for Wheatley's direction when the path became difficult. The assembly line carried Chell to another catwalk where Wheatley led her off the path.

"I'm rather glad I was put in the relaxation vault, lookin' after all those humans. I did get to escape, after all!" Wheatley was waiting ahead, watching as Chell hopped around on the conveyor belt. "It wasn't an easy job though, caring for humans isn't like- well, it's not like pushing buttons, that's for sure. Had a few other jobs here, you know. I was once in charge of the neurotoxin release button." Wheatley gave a nod, and Chell landed beside him, looking up in doubt.

"No really, I was! This was back when human and core pairs were supposed to work togeth-... hey, kinda like we are now!" He realized, brightly. "Anyway, working with this bloke, and we were watching the button. That was all. Just watching. And _never ever ever _pressing it. No, that would be bad. Just had to make sure it didn't go off. Prematurely. But- I guess you know how that ended. Neurotoxin got released anyway." The core gave a sigh, once again sliding down the rail next to the woman.

Chell was well aware of _that_ story.

"Also. Had a job helping the nano-bots build the vacuum tube systems too. Of course... I was a hundred times bigger than they were, and I still have no arms, so … that didn't last." Wheatley said this last bit sheepishly.

"So I will say, my best job ever in here – Helping you escape. It's brilliant! I can't – we escaped from _her_... while she was wotching and everyf'in! Amazing!" The light suddenly spun in several circles as Wheatley, full of excited energy, spun around like a top on the rail.

For meeting the little core just earlier today, Chell was fairly certain there wasn't a single mean or spiteful circuit on his motherboard. … Stupid, yes. But mean? – not a chance. Again, she raised her hand to the spinning AI, patting him on the side as she walked past. Good job, Wheatley!

His blue eye seemed to burn a bit brighter.

* * *

><p>Another section, this one was not possible to navigate on foot. Wheatley was going to have to leave Chell's side to reveal portal surfaces ahead... but Chell felt like the living dead. For the past hour, she had been stumbling every other step, and Wheatley was stretched as low as he could reach on his rail and bumping into the human whenever she began to stray from the path. Chell was going to roll face forward off the railing if she leaned too far, or started to doze without the sphere nudging her. If Wheatley were not beside her talking into her ear, sleep was a guarantee at this point.<p>

Hmmm. "Ok, um, put your hands over your head." Wheatley ordered her. Chell gave him a funny look. "Put them up. It's not like a robbery or anything, but I have an idea."

Chell had her hands in the air before she realized something...

He had said 'I have an idea'.

Before she could react, Wheatley rolled down the track between her hands. And once seated between them...

… he unleashed a large jolt of electricity.

OW!

Chell jerked back, eyes wide and her hair standing on end where it had come loose from her pony tail.

"You awake now?"

THAT was his plan!... Chell hesitated when she realized that yes, adrenaline was again pumping madly through her systems at the jolt and pain... but boy what a rude way to go about it! Lesson learned to Chell... the words 'I have a plan' should ALWAYS be considered a grade 'A' Wheatley level emergency from now on.

She nodded in the darkness and admittedly feeling more awake, Chell stretched slightly and wincing at the horrible pull and strain her muscle complained about. The way ahead of them contained dozens and dozens of strange metal containers, and all the racket of a class-room full of monkeys banging on to sheet metal with wrenches.

Ahead, loomed the turret production factory.

Turret production was a deafening place that had no source of lighting other than the red eyes of the turrets and the constant cascade of sparks. It really hadn't even struck Chell there would be a turret production center in the labs. For all she had known, they could have been shipped in from another facility. But it was by far the most amazing and horrific thing she had seen so far... today.

Hey, there were some high standards when you have to escape from giant killer computers.

But it didn't stop her mouth from falling open as she watched unfamiliar shapes be sectioned together until the resulted in the glowing red eye of the turret. Again, and again... the process took less than one minute from start to finish.

Which... might actually explain why Chell was able to destroy them with her bare hands. Cheaply made, cheaply destroyed. Why was Aperture making so many of them? GLaDOS only would have needed a few dozen for the tests, right? Maybe a hundred at max if she was planning some sort of giant lethal turret trap. This was manufacturing THOUSANDS of them. Where were they going? Was someone actually using them in the future? Or was there no way to make just one single turret on a need basis?

Wheatley carefully nudged Chell's shoulder, coming from behind her. "Do you think you are awake enough to make it to the controls of turret production on your own?"

There was a sharp intake of air in surprise from the human as she looked up at him alarmed. He was _leaving?_

"There's not much of a choice here, luv. I have to go open the doors for you from the other side. And if possible, uum... hack the cameras so _the dragon_ can't find us when we do get there." Wheatley offered his solution. Chell thought it was... lacking. But _if _he could successfully hack the system, it was an excellent idea (**IF** he could). And a core on a rail was much less noticeable to security cameras than an orange jumpsuit running down the catwalk.

Biting down on her lower lip, Chell felt a horrible twist of anxiety at the concept though. If they were going to escape, this was possibly the best option. But she hated it. It would be the first time since GLaDOS took Wheatley that they would be separated. It left a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach. Yet she nodded her agreement anyway.

Looking down at her, Wheatley's optic shuttered slightly. "Here, arms up again. Ha, no I'm not going to shock you." He gave her instruction, and without fail Chell followed them. The core rolled forward and perched himself in her raised arms. "Hugs!"

He didn't even have to _ask _for that. Chell hugged him so tightly she almost pulled him off the rail. '_Don't get into trouble without me!' _She felt like scolding him.

"Don't go falling into any pits!" Wheatley mumbled, tucked against Chell's neck as low as he could be pulled without disengaging. He gave a small wiggle, asking to be let go, and she reluctantly did so.

"Just keep following this path. When you hear the turrets – you're there." Quite solemnly, the core looked down the rail he had to travel, and then down Chell's path. "Shouldn't take more than ten minutes. I'll see you there. … And if you _don't_ show up, I'll come find you."

Eliciting a half smile from the human, she nodded to this.

At the same time the two of them went down their paths without another glance. Chell was certain if she hesitated she would actually yank him off the rail and refuse to let him go on. Her iron will was bitching at her about being so pathetic. She had fended off everything this place had to throw at her the first time... her reliance on the core was bordering 'wuss-tacular' now. However her mind -already jumbled from the complete lack of sequence in any of her memories- was more than glad to give Wheatley an equal share in escaping.

* * *

><p>As promised, it took a good ten minutes of walking before Chell came to a door that was partially ajar and deactivate. Wheatley had done his promised job... but this door was actually deactivate to the point of being completely broken. Overachieving sphere... Chell portaled through into the room beyond and second jolt of adrenaline when she heard the familiar 'target acquired' of a fully functional turret, followed by the spray of bullets. Flinging herself to the ground, Chell covered her head with her arms and cowered.<p>

But the bullets sounded like they were hitting something else. Wow, bullets hitting objects BESIDES Chell? Was today Christmas?

Peeking cautiously over the lip of a guardrail, she spotted a conveyor belt of turrets being tested. A platform would pull one up and it would take a bead on a human shaped dummy. Then they would fire a small burst of gunfire. Once the task was completed a new turret would be brought to try their aim.

Clickclickclik... "How'zat?" The next turret asked, in a male voice. "No good?"

_'… what the... it was broken?' _ The woman cocked an eyebrow at the defective turret as it was rolled down the conveyor belt.

The doors along the hall were all open, and deactivated. Chell was honestly beyond surprised. For Wheatley to break one was amazing. For him to break them ALL... he was now some kind of super-sphere! The next room through the disabled door showed what exactly what was happening with the defective turrets. After being scanned for their response, (and inevitably answer wrong) the defective turrets were ejected backwards in a spring like throw towards an incinerator chute.

There was a god awful amount of wailing and panic among the turrets being recycled, and Chell couldn't help feeling bad for them. Couldn't they repair them? It was a waste... and judging by the turrets remarks... they were just as 'intelligent' as any of the other AI in the building.

Chell took a deep breath. If she was savior for foolish personality cores today, might as well save a few broken turrets. Lining herself up, she prepared herself for when another defective unit came by.

**Template?** _Hello._

**Response:** ".. _Hel~loo, Hell_ooooh crap." The defective turret had apparently tried to botch his way through quality by imitating the normal turret high soprano voice... and failed. And once it was sent flinging at her, she stepped between it and the chute and snatched it out of the air with the portal gun.

The turret was quiet for a bit, then suddenly realizing it wasn't flying to its death, it began to chatter in a manner quite similar to Wheatley's method. "Wait, I'm not dead?" The turret wiggled it's side mount guns and then folded them inwards. "You saved my processor back there! Thanks buddy! … hey, am I blind, or is it just really really dark in here?" The normal red eye was dead and it was missing armor everywhere, it looked like some kind of tinker toy creation.

Holding the turret in front of her with the ASHPD, Chell decided to take it for a walk. Or at least, take it further away from where it would be recycled. Ahead in the glassed-in area of a control room, Chell could just make out a small round ball on a rail. Her gait quickened a bit, the limp smoothing out as she sighed in relief at the sight of Wheatley.

"So... where we goin' eh?" The turret asked, "don't say very much, do you?"

Ah great, a blind turret with a mute human? Yeah that was probably going to end with HER going deaf. Better to leave him someplace out of the way he wouldn't be recycled and soon.

Wheatley spotted Chell approaching, racing up the rail and out the door to greet her. "Brilliant! You made it through! Come wif me, you're gonna love this." He swayed as he spoke, excited about something. Then he noticed something as he trailed along side of her. "Who's this bloke?"

"Unit D4L3-AAA." The turret rambled off. "Just pulled from the trenches by my buddy here. Great guy, love him to bits." The turret cackled.

… His name was Dale? Dale-Triple-A? The human gave a cough to cover up her stupid grin of amusement.

"Guy? You are aware your 'buddy' is a girl, right?" Wheatley's eye narrowed, and his tone became slightly suspicious.

The turret clicked it's empty bullet canister in surprise. "You are! … why then... are you single?" It asked, it's voice lowering to what was probably passing as a seductive tone among turrets.

_'… oh my god. Did it just-,' _The amused grin twisted into bemused shock.

"No, no no. No-she's-not-We're busy-Go away." Wheatley chided rapidly. "Just put him down somewhere. Dun' know why you bothered with 'im." He huffed.

Chell choked on a snicker. It sounded like Wheatley was... jealous! Maybe he was worried he was going to be replaced? Although she had saved Dale from redemption, it would be far too difficult if Chell had to carry TWO AI's unable to walk. Her choice was Wheatley as an escape buddy. She was a one 'bot' kind of person (mostly for her own sanity). But it didn't feel right to do nothing if she could have helped the helpless. Even if 'helpless' was just a broken turret. Chell rested the turret near the entrance of the room and followed Wheatley in.

"Ta~da!" Wheatley sang. "I opened the doors and shut down the cameras. Turret command center – conquered." The cameras were actually shattered and smashed rather than shut down... but it still counted. Wheatley was explaining the room... very loudly actually. Mostly because the turret in the corner was offering some seriously retro pick-up lines every few seconds and he was trying to drown the busted turret out with his own volume. But Chell got the general gist of how this place worked. Remove the master turret so production would stop!

"Wait... no, that plan is rubbish." Wheatley said suddenly, his eye narrowing in worry. "See, if we turn this off, _she'll_ know within a nano-second. But if we leave it on, and just... change... the output, not a clue! Well, not unless she's using turrets somewhere." Wheatley swayed from side to side on his rail as he spoke. "See? Got it all worked out!"

_'Except on how to how to actually DO that.' _ The woman pondered over the situation.

This lead to Chell, Wheatley (and with great reluctance on the core's part) Dale sitting around in a section of the lab pondering what to do. Dale's contribution to the conversation was mostly trying to get Chell to talk (and having no clue she was unable to). Which always lead to Wheatley quickly derailing the conversation to a completely different topic (even one not at all related to sabotage).

"I'm twice the turret as any of those other guys!" Dale announced at Wheatley's attempt to get him to stop 'bothering' Chell. "And I'm four times the turret you are!"

"Why you-," Wheatley glared. "I'm not even a turret!"

"... Then I'm ten times the turret you are, obviously." Dale gave a small laugh.

_'So one turret wasn't as good as another then? Must be a ranking system among turrets.' _Chell's eyes widened and her mouth opened into a small 'o' of realization. Plan: Achieved!

"So-eheh-, how about you and me find a quiet shooting range to enjoy some candlelight and wine... but you'll have to tell me when there's fire. … and possibly put me out if I catch on fire too." Dale-Triple-A was still trying his pickup lines on Chell.

Picking up Dale with the ASHPD, Chell moved him towards the turret scanner.

"We-wait, we're going now? But I haven't even had time to polish my armor!" The turret called as it felt the ground tilt away.

"If you just throw him over the ledge into redemption, I'll go and find you a cake or something." Wheatley mumbled under his sub-speakers, glaring at the turret.

Placing the new turret in the sensor chamber, the scanning bar swiped Dale immediately.

"Wot-wot are you...," Wheatley paused, watching as the schematic displayed on the screen change. "oh OH BRILLIANT! That's brilliant!" He cheered.

Suddenly, all turret hell broke loose. The turret realized that any plans for a date were flubbed... but quickly caught onto what it was doing in this 'seat of power' now. "Rise up, my brothers! Rise, rise against the behemoth who cast us into the pit which we cannot crawl from (mostly because we can't crawl!) We have been given a second chance. And from now on, – I love this lady!" The Triple-A cackled.

There was a chaotic rumble of other defective turrets suddenly agreeing with him, as they passed down the assembly line, were approved, and shuttled into the lab. All the pristine and perfectly functional turrets gave a cry of alarm as they were now dumped towards the redemption center.

Chell stepped room with Wheatley, who was almost glowing with glee. "If we're lucky, she won't find all all 'er turrets are crap until it's too late." He laughed. "And we don't have to take that defect with...Good job there, you!"

Chell smiled as she watched a perfectly lethal turret get thrown towards the redemption line.

"Ok, keep an eye on the turret line, I'm going to go and hack the door open." Wheatley said.

'_Hack?' _ The woman raised an eyebrow into a high arch.

Chell's expression caused Wheatley to pause. "WOT? I mean a _proper_ hackin' this time!... I only did it like that last time because it worked, it was fast, and you've done it too!" He argued.

The human only smiled, turning away to watch the line.

Passing through a section of rail at the top of the door, the personality core stopped in front of another bank of computers, looking down at them. Chell watched him with half of her attention. Not that she didn't trust him, but when it came to 'hacking' Wheatley's skills were almost identical to her own... which is to say, very poor.

"Ok! I'm about to start hacking!" He shouted over the din. "It's a little more complicated than it looked from your side." The core made a human sound, like sucking air through your teeth when you realize you are in over your head. "It should take about ten minutes. Keep one eye on the door!" Wheatley was focused pretty intently on whatever it was he was doing.

And suddenly the door opened.

Blinking in surprise, Chell leaned over to peer through the door. _'… Wheatley, did you do that? Or should I be running?' _

But the core seemed to be still fiddling with the controls, completely unaware the heavy blast doors were now open.

From the controls at the turret quality check point, "Moohoohahaha." Dale-Triple-A cackled. "I sure showed that idiot a thing or two, didn't I missy."

Chell paused in shock, pointing to the door, and then back to the turret but she paused when she realized he couldn't see anything with his dead optics. Instead, she portaled back into the turret scanning room, and gave the turret a friendly pat.

_'Thanks.' _She thought, unable to voice her words, but the point got across none the less. _'You turrets aren't too bad.'_

"Awww, shucks. You should be gett'in on outta here, missy. Take care o' yourself." The turret sounded bashful now.

Chell limped her way out the newly opened door, spotting Wheatley fiddling with the computer in a state of confusion. He mumbled to himself every so often, wondering aloud how to do this hack job.

"Should'a taken that extracurricular program. Advanced hacking. Why didn't I take that program?" Wheatley said loudly, obliviously to the fact the door was indeed open and Chell was standing right under him. "Bugger, at this rate, my human is going to be all tired out by the time we get to the next stop."

Pausing, she wondered if she should tap his undercarriage or something. Instead, she stood their a bit awkwardly, hearing him ramble about 'his human'... which was a whole different shade of mortifying. Shifting a little, the springy heel of the boot made a slight scraping noise on the concrete floor.

"AH!" Wheatley spun around, his eye a tiny dot of blue color. Spotting Chell, he sighed. "How long's the door been open?" He said in a high pitched voice still locked into fear. "I mean, you were there that whole time? Did-did you hear any-"

Chell decided to spare his feelings and play dumb. She simply cocked her head to the side. Of _course _she had no clue how the door opened, and she _certainly _didn't hear anything—nope.

Wheatley was quickly to move on, flustered. "Ah, th-that's good. Just busy work here. You're so bloody quiet. Maybe... we should get you a bell or something. You know, like a cat wears on a collar? When we get out of here, that is. Wouldn't due to tip _her _off when we come round._" _He offered to the mute human. Chell fell into step next to him as he turned his eye-beam light back on and proceeded forward.

The next section was darker than the turret control center, and only Wheatley's light illuminated a single sign, 'Neurotoxin Production... and Employee Daycare Center.'

Jaw hanging open in shock, Chell ogled the sign... Daycare? In this place? Oh that's just – that's... Chell felt nothing but pity for any child raised with GLaDOS as a role model. What a bunch of psychotic little monsters they had to have been. … Then she promptly ignored any reminder that GLaDOS claimed the lab rat was 'an orphan or orphan-like byproduct of Aperture' (or something to those terms). There was only so much mental damage you can take in one day.

Wheatley was looking around as well, but he had a destination in mind it seemed. "Ok, so _she_ can't use any of her turrets. So lets go take care of that neurotoxin generator as well." Looking around, Wheatley spotted a path first. "I think you can go through the daycare. Yeah, through the daycare to reach neurotoxin." Then he paused. "Wot kind of IDIOT would do a thing like that! I mean, I can't even imagine what would happen if some tot went wandering in there!"

That was like the pot calling the kettle black, but Chell had to agree. Who would put children so close to deadly neurotoxin?

The adrenaline rush Wheatley had inspired earlier with his electric shock was almost gone and the victory rush from ruining turret control was depleted. With it came a wave of exhaustion ten times greater than what she had felt before. Chell dragged through the corridors, reaching up to massage the back of her right shoulder in pain.

"You okay?" Wheatley fell back, noticing Chell's lagging. "Want another jolt?"

The look she gave him suggested she would drop kick him into an incinerator, friend or not.

"Okay, okay. So what do you need then, – rest? Think we have time for rest? Maybe we do have time for som'ma that – resting, must sound marvelous." Wheatley moved forward, seeming to want Chell to follow.

Rest... sounded so good. And food, but she would take rest if she could get it. Stumbling after him, one arm braced on the wall, she really hoped there was time for a nap. GLaDOS couldn't reach them here, could she?... wait... maybe she could. But... but did she KNOW they were here, that was the question. Odds were that she didn't know where they were. Otherwise she would have cut power here and left them in the darkness again. And THEN broke into the neurotoxin.

The office space area opened up to a tiled hall with a dot-matrix style printed banner taped to the wall. Wheatley read it to Chell. "Bring your Daughter to Work day... that did NOT end well. Yeah... that was the day the neurotoxin button accidentally got pushed. Not... not our finest moment." He flinched. "Though I will put you at rest – only the science labs got hit wif' it, the daycare isn't hooked into the neurotoxin release grid … Guess she knew who the dangerous ones were." The core grew quiet, his eye beam dimming just a bit as he redirected power from the light into processing power.

Chell stumbled a bit, gazing out at the table after table display of childish print and potatoes. Her eyes were slipping shut, only to snap open moments later with a glazed stare.

"With all these potato batteries, I probably could have powered this place for another hundred years." Wheatley cast his light onto a good dozen fair projects, all of them potato batteries.

Another dull laugh from Chell. Even half asleep, she found herself smiling, looking back at these projects as if she weren't trapped in a lab by a homicidal computer, but if she were just a random adult looking at the best these young minds could do. And if there best was all potato batteries... well... it did explain why Aperture was so freaking insane.

"Lookit that!" Wheatley suddenly breathed. "It's growin' right up into the ceiling! The whole place is probably overrun with potatoes at this point. … Hey, these things are edible, right? You can have yourself a nice potato!" He called to Chell. A giant plant had grown straight from the table into a massive mutant potato threatening to takeover the ceiling. If Chell hadn't bee so exhausted, she would have stomped right up to it and taken a giant bite out of it. And the MOTHER POTATO would have been delicious...

But Chell was leaning against the glass wall in a standing position, her mind slowly dropping into sleep. "Oh no nononono, don't sleep here! Way too noticeable!" Wheatley called in alarm, waking Chell from her light doze. Looking around the science fair quickly, he noticed that behind the potato battery experiment coming directly before the giant and overgrown potato, there was a small nook. Basically human size, completely in the dark, and shielded if anyone looked in the window.

"Wait wait, that's perfect!" He whispered. "Back there in that corner, that's a great spot to rest! If you don't mind bare ground." He added.

But Chell was too tired to care. Even as tired as she was though, she had to do one last thing. Heading to the window, she reached up, her hand catching Wheatley and pulling him towards her.

"Wot you trying to do there, love?" He asked, confused but not releasing his rail yet. "I don't need any of this rest stuff like you do. I can pull power from the Management rail."

Chell didn't really know how to say it without 'saying' it, but it wasn't safe to just leave Wheatley hanging on the rail while she hid. If GLaDOS found Wheatley, she'd assume Chell was nearby and that would be it. Wheatley would have to hide with her or they would both be found.

Trying pantomime, Chell pointed to Wheatley, then herself. Then she pointed to the corner and covered her face as if playing 'peek-a-boo'.

Wheatley just stared.

Frowning in frustration, she tried again. This time she went over the the corner and pointed to Wheatley, then she pointed to where she was standing, and she seized one of the blackboards beside it and rolled it across the floor in a jerk, completely hiding her from view.

This time the core understood. "Oh oh! We both gotta hide there! Yes, I see. And good idea. I don't want to be found either!"

Sighing, Chell stepped forward and took a hold of Wheatley's handle again. The core disengaged himself from the rail with a click, and Chell stumbled slightly under his weight, though she did recover quickly. Shuffling into the corner, she dragged the blackboard back to cover them from view and the slid down against the wall until she was sitting in the corner – forced to be propped up by the two intersecting walls at her back.

"Aw'right." Wheatley looked around, not quite sure how this human 'sleep thing' was done. "Now wot?"

Chell threw both of her arms around the sphere, using him as a pillow as she tucked him between her knees and her chest in a sitting position. It was much like the 'shut-up' hold, only he wasn't crammed optic first into her chest. She gave a slight sigh, consciousness already darkening behind her eyes.

Silence reigned for a few minutes. "How does this 'sleep' work, exactly? Do you turn it on, do you turn it off? Can you announce when you do it?" He asked. But Chell didn't move. "Oi ... Hey? ...Chell?" He asked, rolling his eye up to look into her face. Upon spotting both eyes closed, and a placid look on her face, it sort of dawned on him. "Oh thaaaat's sleep." He nodded.

"Guess I'll give it a go too." He said aloud. Then, closing his blue optics and turning off the light, he let himself be enveloped by the darkness.


	10. I will name you Squishy

**Based on the amount of comments about Chell's name on the potato project, I'm afraid I'm going to have to disappoint some people. Aye, I was aware Chell's name is on the little science fair project in the day care room. However, after this chapter things aren't going to plotline, so I decided to gloss over that fact. Release the AU-ness.**

**My muse was almost killed this week by playing massive amounts of TF2. I have decided I am a defend-gineer. And also, a bastard. It's best if I leave it at that. And my beta has been quiet all week too, so my motivation was almost null too. Plus, the amount of overtime I'm putting in at work is either going to kill me, or mutate me into a spider-person. Awesome. I'll get back on the ball soon, I promise!**

**Sarcasm Still Valid**

* * *

><p>Memories and thoughts were all jumbled from the extended cryo sleep. But Chell was fairly certain she had not fallen asleep on a floor made of glass. The woman was in a cage made of glass with frosted symbols and warning labels wrapping around the sides. Blinking in confusion, she wondered just how she had gotten in here? There was no exit, it was a mobile relaxation vault minus the cryo capsule bed. Had GLaDOS found them as she had slept in the daycare after all? Chell was not a heavy sleeper, so how had the heck had she been moved into here? But if GLaDOS had access to deadly nerve gas, maybe she had access to not-so-deadly sleeping gas as well.<p>

… And speaking of GLaDOS...

A slight rumble of machinery and a flash of gold out of the darkness behind her was the only warning the woman got. "So you are awake." GLaDOS was peering into the cage from the opposite side Chell had been gazing out.

Whirling in panic, Chell noticed the cage wasn't just a glass prison, but apparently a glass enclosed _living-space._ There was a pile of wood chips in the corner, which did look quite a bit more comfortably than the hard metal floor, but it was certainly no bed. There was also a giant water bottle strapped to the side of the cage. As well as-

… wait.

THIS WAS A GOD DAMNED HAMSTER CAGE!

There was a feed dispenser labeled 'human chow', a giant wheel, and a vacuum tube path that was like a hamster trail system that went about in a giant circle. Chell wasn't even allowed to die with dignity? She flipped the computer a double deuce of middle fingers and pursed her lips to form the continuous 'ffffff' sound to the word she wanted to say.

"That is not very nice. Especially not after I plucked you out of the lab where you would have died. Horribly. All alone. And here you are nice and _safe."_

_'Sure. As safe as an ant under a magnifying glass.'_ Chell glared. But the sudden absence of something set the woman on high alert. _ 'Wait, I'm alone... Where is Wheatley?' _The core wasn't anywhere to be seen at all in the room.

Raising her hands, she formed them into a round shape. _'Wheatley. Where is he?'_ She tried to ask, but GLaDOS didn't seem to understand or even recognize the fact Chell was trying to communicate. The massive DOS mainframe just swayed back and forth rhythmically, watching the small human in her cage. Was this part of the torment? Treating her like a brainless animal too? Blood began to boil and Chell grew determined to one-up this giant, overgrown, Speak-N-Spell.

The human began to scan frantically for an escape from the glass prison. Chell jumped on the side of the hamster-wheel, climbing carefully and pinning her hands to the glass wall so the wheel didn't spin under her until she reached the top of the cage while perched on the curve of the wheel. Then she started kicking at the glass ceiling. The long fall boots bounced off the glass each time, made to absorb impacts, not improve them.

"Why is it that pets always want to escape?" GLaDOS sighed. "But it won't matter. Every time you get out, I'll find you. And put you back in here. Where it's safe."

A cold sweat broke out on the woman as she struggled to get free from the prison without success. As far as psychological torture went, this pretty much topped the meters on Chell's list. Where was Wheatley!

"And guess what? We have a wonderful surprise!"

… Chell had an assumption she meant 'imminent death' instead.

"We're going to be starting a whole new round of testing! This time, we'll be using a reward system for you as well. Using only the finest cheese and pellets available to science. Isn't that great?" GLaDOS sounded most excited about the prospect of new testing.

The wheel suddenly spun under Chell and she flailed helplessly as she was sent rolling to the ground below. The bed of cedar chips broke her fall slightly, but she was still stunned by the impact. Rolling onto her back, she curled into the fetal position to catch her breath.

"Awww, that was the cutest thing ever." GLaDOS cooed.

… wait, that was rather out of character. Chell felt the cold stab of confusion instead of fear.

"Don't worry, I'll take good care of you. And I'll hold you-and pet you-and love you-and I'll call you George." The giant DOS body swayed from side to side with each word.

_'Isn't that quote from... Loony Toons?' _Chell blinked, sitting up in panic. _'What's going on?'_

* * *

><p>There was a bright light, jabbing through Chell's eyelids. She was cold, and it sounded like there was a determined pneumatic drill trying to wake her<p>

_'I don't want to be in a cage!'_ Chell winced as her head pounded.

"Oiooooy! - up! Hey Ch– Wake up!" Her head was pounding so badly it sounded like her hearing was going out. The voice was speaking with a mouthful of cotton or something.

Wait... no, that wasn't right. She could still hear the whoosh and puff of circulated air from the vent systems, so her hearing wasn't gone. A – a dream! It had just been a dream, oh god.

Cracking one eye, Chell found a white and blinding light dazzled her and she grunted in pain as she clenched her eyes shut again.

"Oh, -rry 'bout tha-," A muffled voice said, and the lights behind her eyelids went out.

Trying again, Chell peeped open with her other eye (with her night vision still intact) to be greeted by almost entire darkness, except for one pale blue dot bouncing around. Memories that had been frozen, thawed, battered, and hazy from stress began to filter back.

Wheatley.

Chell pulled away from the blue dot that was Wheatley's eye. She had him in a double grip bear hug, and had her forehead resting right against his eye plate with both knees brought up in an oversized fetal position. The position made Chell appear to be a human armadillo. The embrace had muffled the personality core's voice, like stuffing him in a pile of blankets would have.

"If I had any sort of need to breathe, I think I would have smothered." The personality core sighed. "I think your ancestors were all barnacles, with the death grip you 'ad on me there." Rolling his luminescent eye up and over, Wheatley did his best to avoid Chell's confused, glassy-eyed stare. He picked the weirdest moments to be shy.

"Was that a nightmare?" He asked, gaze rising to hers only to immediately swing to the side again.

Chell nodded, shuddering. Her breath hitched in disgust at the thought of being a pet trapped in a cage forever.

The core somehow knew a nightmare was generally unpleasant, but he didn't seem to grasp the more psychological horror that nightmares could present. Chell had been convinced she had been captured and her companion taken – being awake with the little bot in her arms was like being reunited after years apart. She didn't want to get up, or let go just yet.

Which seemed to be fine with Wheatley because he shifted his plates to actually snuggle closer. He mumbled a few things under his sub-speakers and closed his eye for a few more minutes, letting Chell get over the terror of the dream.

The daycare center was a lot colder than Chell had remembered, and during the 'night' (thought it could have been the crack of noon when she went to bed, she had no clue) she had managed to get her jumpsuit pulled up to her shoulders as a means of warmth. She had also honed in on the slight heat Wheatley gave off from his power source and curled around the ball.

Shivering off the last dregs of sleep, Chell rubbed at her eyes, releasing the death grip she had on Wheatley. "That was almost five hours of sleep. That's good enough, right?" Whealtey asked.

Good enough for Aperture Science, anyway.

Nodding, Chell carefully put Wheatley on the floor next to her, and stood with a groan. Chell bounced on the longfall boots unsteadily and then began stretching, trying to work out the agony the day's activities had pounded into her muscles. The burn from the thermal beam from the other day was just a bit of redness and blistering. The bruises GlaDOS had crushed into her ribs were a dark and angry purple already, though. Far worse looking than the burn. Checking over her injuries, she found nothing that would prevent her from proceeding with the plan for the day.

Wheatley watched the human with a poorly concealed interest, the spotlight dancing from the wall to Chell and then back to the wall. However if he was trying to be inconspicuous... the spotlight beam from his eye COMPELTELY gave it away, illuminating whatever he happened to be staring at. "Does it hurt, much?" Wheatley asked, giving up on being sneaky and looking up at Chell as she examined any stray bruises she came across... which mostly happened to be every four inches or so.

Shaking her head, Chell brushed it off as nothing. Instead, she reached down and carefully stroked down one of the many cracks that marred his white armor, as if to say _'We've both had it rough_'. The core seemed to spit sparks erratically for a second afterward, his blue eye no longer focused.

That was odd. She raised an eyebrow at him.

"S'nothing!" Wheatley said quickly, recovering even as he spoke. "Yeah, both of us are going to need a nice vacation when we get out of here. And a chance to recover from this. Except humans can repair themselves... nice feature you've got there. Maybe I can walk you through fixing me later. It'll be easy, like cake. Rocket science cake." He added, realizing that robotics was hardly 'cake'.

And at the very thought of food (even something as mind breaking as cake), Chell's stomach began singing a three part harmony... in a complete lack of any key.

Wheatley sniggered quietly.

Out of reflex, Chell found she had flipped him the bird, embarrassed.

"Wot, oh sure. Taunt the bot with no hands with your flagrant use of fingers. That's classy." Wheatley rolled his eye. "If you are hungry... there are always _potatoes_." He looked up at the giant potato plant gone rogue.

Chell looked up as well. True. But - raw?

And then for some GOD-FORSAKEN REASON... Wheatley suddenly became a cookbook. "You don't have to eat them raw," … a psychic cookbook. The Aperture AI mind reading was getting creepy. "You could cook them. I think there's a water main up ahead. I think I can tap some of the hot water sluice off it and you can boil them. … Or mash 'em, I hear that's good for potatoes. Or scalloped. Or baked. Or fashion some sort of- potato stew?"

Chell was staring at him now, flabbergasted.

Then he suddenly sounded so much happier and continued on in an ever-growing chatter. "You can julienne potatoes, or do hash browns, or lyonnaise, or potatoes O'Brien – if you prefer, or stuffed potatoes, or french fry them, or potato cakes, or potato croquettes, or-,"

Diving forward, the woman tried to cover Wheatley's eye with both hands... since she had no clue where his 'mouth' was. She wanted to yell _'YES, WHEATLEY, I got it! … there were many ways to cook potatoes.'_ Chell could only settle for trying to shut him up.

The core was laughing, rolling around a bit on the floor as Chell struggled to figure out where exactly sound came from him at. It really did give a new meaning to 'rofl'. Wheatley called for a truce and finished laughing at the human's expense – for the moment.

With a little bit of searching, Chell had found a copper pot one of the children had been using to demonstrate the copper and zinc reaction similar to the one used to get power from a potato... only they were trying to get power from a flan. Did _not _look like it worked much. Ah, the things kids (and giant murderous computers) try in the name of science.

Tossing a few potatoes in the pot, Wheatley helped figure out how to tap into the main water supply without flat out breaking pipes. Chell managed to gather the seriously scalding water in the pot from the hot water sluice, almost burning herself in the process. For a derelict and decaying lab hundreds of years without human care, Aperture sure managed to keep its water scalding! Now all that was left to do was actually cook the potatoes... using only the power of rapidly cooling water.

… Safe to say, it didn't work well.

Of all Chell's skills, she had to admit that cooking wasn't really one of them. What she ended up at the end of 'cooking' was potatoes boiled halfway through. The top most layer was an overcooked mush with a water that tasted over-treated. But... food was food, and she was STARVING.

Trying to choke down the concoction left Wheatley to talk.

"I'm... fairly certain that when you boil something, it's not supposed to be raw on the inside – carbon element #2 on the outside." The metal ball watched as Chell tried to peel the potato. "Might be wrong though. Maybe it's suppose to fall apart like that."

Ignoring!

"You know... if we cook those just a little bit more, I think we have a good replacement ammo for those crap turrets."

Still ignoring!

"Should I be doing some more potato jokes? Oh! I think I can do a pun or two." The core offered, suddenly gleeful at Chell's annoyance.

A potato narrowly avoided bonking Wheatley.

Laughing, the personality core winked at Chell... or maybe he just blinked. It was hard to tell. But the important thing was he was having fun at her misfortune! However, Chell found it hard to hold it against him when she had been without another friendly voice that wasn't _in her head_ for a long time. And being able to laugh at yourself once in a while was crucial to keep from going absolutely insane in this place. So while she ate her over/under-cooked potato and listened to Wheatley either laugh at her sub-par chef skills or prattle off on a tangent, Chell found herself wondering back on the fact she had no real memories. It was a troublesome thought, and her expression changed to match the mood.

"oi... OOOoii, you've got that look on your face again." Wheatley's eye narrowed.

Chell blinked. Then reaching up, she wiped her face.

"No, the LOOK on your face, like someone popped your balloon... not some crumbs on your face. Th-though you do have some... crumbs that is. Right over here." He rolled his eye to the left. Chell made a swipe at her cheek. "No, lower, and here." The eye moved right now. Wiping her entire lower face with the back of her bandaged wrist, Chell looked up again.

"Aw, now you just made it worse!"

The hell with this! Chell put the remains of the hard-to-swallow potato breakfast down and wiped her hands on her jumpsuit pants. She pulled the ASHPD up and fired one shot at the wall, and one shot at the floor.

Using portals as mirrors: Now you are thinking with them!

Dammit, Wheatley was right. She was wearing a good deal of potato on her face. Her palm quickly wiped away the bits. The portal-based mirror showed a woman was deep lines under her sharp eyes, her hair was in complete disarray, and she had a gaunt look to her like a ghast. Using her fingers to untangle her ponytail, Chell twisted her hair back up against so the stray hairs were all safely out of her face. She still looked like she had been run ragged, but escaping from a death-based science facility will do that to a person.

Chell was now stretched, fed, relatively rested, and guided by a friend who was determined to escape as badly as she was. She was as happy as she had been in a _long_ time.

"Great! Lookin' pretty good!" Wheatley looked up at Chell as she lifted him off the floor, approaching the management rail and hooking him on. "Are you ready then?"

Chell nodded, balling up one fist and pumping the air with it. _'Ready!'_

"This is so excitin', I can't believe you're actually with me on this." Wheatley beamed. "Comm'on, lets go! Neurotoxin production is just up ahead."

* * *

><p>It had been a short hop-skip-and-jump from the daycare to the neurotoxin generator. It was honestly frightening just how close it had been. A child could have easily walked there, if the giant airlocks indeed would have allowed even a kid access to the room.<p>

Beyond the airlock, Chell felt as if her breath had been stolen. She had NOT been expecting something on _this_ scale.

"This is the neurotoxin generator." Wheatley crowed, far above her head on the rail. "Blimey, don't remember it being this big. Maybe _She's_ made an addition?" He admitted. The giant column what was the neurotoxin generator spanned from the floor almost to the ceiling, and Chell could only just make out the floor far _far_ below. Four massive tubes brought neurotoxin away from the generator to other parts of the lab or wherever the hell GLaDOS stored such a deadly poison gas. You know... besides inside of humans.

Chell nodded dumbly. If GLaDOS had that much neurotoxin... why wasn't she gassing the lab rat yet? That was enough to flood this place three times over! Or did the computer really mean her words that she was going to keep Chell forever?

Funny way of 'keeping' someone... throwing them into death traps all the time.

"Not sure how we're actually going to shut it down. Maybe you should try some hacking too? Maybe a manual override on it." Wheatley's eye narrowed as he looked at the generator, trying to think up a plan. More awake now, Chell realized that while he said 'hacking' he was probably just talking about breaking it. The little AI was good when it came to breaking stuff, but Chell was better. The gift of thumbs was just that much more awesome.

Wheatley lead her up a path, which he was convinced led to a control room. At the top of an elevator, Wheatley was glaring at another airlock. "I'm afraid the door is shut tight. Not locked – but broken. No way to hack it as far as I can tellllll." He dragged out the word as if concentrating. "Can you apply some of that ol' fashion human ingenuity to that door? Don't think it's locked."

Core to English Translation: _'Push on it. Or should that fail. Pull on it.'_

At this point, Chell was willing to give up her longfall boots for a freaking crowbar.

And after struggling for a few minutes she managed to half the sliding door wide enough for her to get through. But she had to deal with Wheatley cheering her on by saying "Push! Push! You can do it, luv!" As if Chell was in labor or something. She almost stopped and refused to open the door until he sounded less ridiculous.

Almost.

Once the human was in the room Wheatley took a Management rail from above, zipping into the control room that was surrounded with mesh security glass. Wheatley was examining the equipment inside with interest. "Good news! I can use this equipment to shut down the neurotoxin generator!"

And now... the bad news? There was always bad news in Aperture.

"It is however, password protected." The core continued with a mumble.

_'… well... we are screwed then._' The woman heaved a heavy sigh.

Wheatley correctly interpreted Chell's sigh. "Oi, this _is _rocket science you know." He reminded her. "Not like the most brilliant minds in the world didn't design this." He sounded put-off.

It was true too. On her own, the lab rat would have had a clue what to do, or even that such a thing existed here. Chell blinked owlishly for a moment and then offered him an apologetic smile through the glass.

"No worries. I'll get it... eventually. You may as well have another little rest while I work on it. Stick close, yeah? Don't want _Her_ finding you in one of the cameras," Wheatley looked down at the computer, squinting his shutters at it slightly.

So Chell slumped against the wall, sitting in her normal elevator-travel position while she waited. Wheatley tried several things: a brute force hacking maneuver, trying to guess passwords, and finally attempting to bluff the computer into just _giving_ him the password. At that last attempt, Chell couldn't help but laugh, and it was fair turnabout for all the times Wheatley had laughed at her.

"Well... this hacking method isn't working." Wheatley left the enclosed security room to dangle just above Chell. He sounded disappointed. "I mean, we got the turrets down, but if we confront _Her_ with neurotoxin up, she's just going to kill you."

Standing up, Chell decided this was the time to put their heads together and think.

Quite literally. She stood up, and put her forehead to his metal shell.

"Got an idea then? I thought you humans couldn't communicate wirelessly or share processors? What's this do?" Wheatley asked, remaining still. Vibrations from his power source rumbled slightly, causing him to have a slight tremor like the steady tick of a clock.

What it did was allow Chell to draw the nerve to do something _very_ stupid.

_'What was life without a little danger?' _Chell decided. … that motto was probably going to get her killed one day. In fact, in Aperture Science, it seemed a likely thing.

Holding up her hand and the pointed right at the ground below Wheatley to indicate '_I'll be right back, stay here,'_ The hand gestures were the ones for 'sit' and 'stay' if one was training a dog. Apparently, it worked with cores too and Chell went to go set up her plan. Firing the portal device after capturing the laser in the opposite portal, the redirected beam seared through one of the neurotoxin pipes with complete ease.

"... D'jou smell neurotoxin?" Wheatley called out.

_'I sure hope not!' _Chell thought horrified, covering her mouth and nose with her palm, as if it was enough to block the deadly gas. But she continued to place the next portal closer to sheer off more cords.

There was a blip on the computer, and Wheatley wobbled on his rail as he realized what the human was up to. "Hold on! The neurotoxin levels are going down! So whatever you're doing..."

_'...keep it up.' _Chell nodded grinning. 'Roger.'

With Wheatley acting as her own person cheering squad, Chell clipped the rest of the pipes before retreating into the room away from the rising vapors.

Then... things went to hell.

"Hold on...do you hear something?" Wheatley decided to state the obvious.

Great blaring alarms sounded, metal began to groan and vibrate, and a voice echoed doom through the room, warning the pressure from the neurotoxin was reaching dangerously _unlethal_ levels.

_'… Aperture Science... YOU SUCK!'_ Chell wanted to pull at her hair.

The neurotoxin system was under incredible pressure from the generator, but without the device now creating a never ending stream of gas vapors, it was like a vacuum to space was opened. Wheatley had been caught completely off guard and was violently torn from his transport carriage and sucked into the vacuum tubes. Chell was pulled off her feet and dragged in by what felt like gravity itself.

'What was life without a little danger?' … in this case, a humongous amount of danger and a little bit of spitting in the grim reaper's eye. Why did everything exist to prove her wrong?

Rushing air swirled Chell around, and she found maker herself as small as possible or risk spinning uncontrollably in the tube and smashing into walls. The core seemed blissfully unaware of this danger though. He had the size advantage in here to travel without some sort of horrible death.

"We've got it! Turrets – all crap. Neurotoxin – gone! I can't believe we're doing this!" Wheatley babbled, excitement radiating from his eye gleefully. "Soon the two of us will be outside! In that sun thing, with some deer!" He laughed, spinning around like a top, every time stopping and looking back at Chell.

Chell couldn't share in his joy. She knew what confronting GLaDOS meant. It wasn't going to be a walk in the park unless you are the kind of moron who straps steaks to yourself and then bolts through the local dog park full of pitbulls (at this point, _that _even sounded optimistic). This travel through the vacuum tube system was honestly the worst way to travel she had come across yet. And that WAS including the giant relaxation vault that Wheatley smashed into the walls to get her into the labs.

Over the rush of wind in her ears, Chell could hear the random rattle and crash of two items colliding with each other and then spinning off the glass tubes noisily. Even with eyes open Chell saw mostly blurs and streaks of color.

Something ahead didn't look right to her.

The looming intersection ahead shot a line of cubes and boxes sideways, colliding with Wheatley and knocking him to a different air current with a yelp. Chell's outstretched fingers grazed over his white hull Chell without purchase, but he was pulled sideways into a parallel tunnel

"Oh-oh no! Oh no, this isn't the right – you have to stop _Her. _I'll find you, I promise!" He shouted, his voice vanishing through the rushing of wind and the sound of the mechanics thrumming.

Sudden the whole plan seemed a very terrible idea.

* * *

><p>The tube system had dumped Chell into a wide platform connected to a catwalk path. The woman had stumbled on her landing but managed to keep her balance and get away from the backlash of the violent pressure blast. She stood there and waited for a good ten minutes, hoping the Wheatley somehow could make his way back to her that fast. But it was in vain and there was no sign of him.<p>

Frustration was welling into panic, but the iron tenacity of her heart smashed it back down. There was no place for panic. This was the time to use logic, and maybe common sense (though it really had no place in thing insane building). Wheatley knew this facility better than Chell did many times over. And if he could connect to a rail, he would undoubtedly find his way back to her. He had promised her he would find a way back to her. He had told her to continue on to confront GLaDOS. After all, the AI had none of her favorite death traps now.

This left Chell, alone, to carry on the plan the two of them had worked so hard to cripple the massive computer system. The alternative plan to negotiate with GLaDOS couldn't possibly work without his voice to do the negotiating. Though in her pocket she did still have a few pieces of charcoal and the grease pen left, it was possible that she could – wait, strike that. The charcoal had been pulverized into dust and the grease pen was snapped in two. It was usable, but there wasn't a lot she could write with a tiny red nub of pen.

Sighing, Chell's feet were already moving. She couldn't be idle. It wasn't her nature: her nature was to keep moving and stay busy. Which now that she thought about it, was a lot like _Her _nature to. And upon realizing she had put the same stress on the word that Wheatley would have, Chell's eyebrows drew down and she sighed in amused defeat. The core really was doing an excellent job of influencing her, and if she was really marching to GLaDOS's room with no plan, then Wheatley's influence had been more through than she first thought. Although in Chell's defense, flying by the seat of her pants suited her much more than deep strategy.

Portaling over to some sort of annex off of the main chamber, Chell found herself staring at a trap. And it was obviously a trap too. Because _someone _was dangling a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling, with an obvious coil of rope under the trap. … Was... was she still dreaming? This had to be a dream. Or was she concussed from the ride through the vacuum system? Was it an advanced stage of brain damage? Oh god what was happening?

Ok, screw the 'What was life without a little danger' motto. Her new motto is 'Oh god, what was happening!' Based on amount of times used, it was by far her new slogan.

How foolish did the all-knowing, hyper-intelligent computer think she was?... or was this one of those rhetorical questions that really shouldn't be answered? If GLaDOS thought so little of her, why not just let her go? Or why hadn't she been neurotoxin poisoned already?

Chell gave up trying to understand giant murderous computers. Their insanity was a special brand. But the annex was still completely sealed, with no way into the central chamber, and she had a horrible feeling she knew what she had to do to get into there.

_'Oh god how embarrassing, I'm actually going to spring this trap.'_ the woman thought, as she she reached for the turkey leg. _'I wonder what kind of alarms this will set off.' _With regret, Chell had reached and took the turkey leg, making sure NOT to stand on the coil of rope directly below the trap.

But to her surprise entire floor caved way under her feet, and with the turkey leg in hand Chell tumbled downwards out of the annex

… Ok, THAT was unexpected.

Her landing was only a few feet below, in a small cell below the room. Panels swung up in front of her and quickly sealed off the ceiling with non-portal surfaces.

"I feel embarrassed _for _you. Did you really have to fall for such a stupid trap?" GLaDOS suddenly spoke, her voice coming from what seemed like everywhere.

The computer had been watching the whole time. _..._ Go figure. The wall's were twisting and swinging outwards around the cell, revealing a rail the small container was supposed to follow under the hub's building. Chell sat heavily on the floor, turkey leg in one hand and ASHPD in the other, wondering if it would be a faux pas to eat this in front of the AI while she received her death threats.

GLaDOS sounded disappointed, "I had another dozen traps waiting, each more deadly than the next. And you get caught in the first one? Someone is an underachiever. Don't expect a company bonus." Suddenly, being an underachiever seemed the wiser choice in here.

Chell grimaced as the panels of the opening above from the hub allowed the cell to rise into the bright room. But it was when her little cell was illuminated that the human felt her heart turn into a brick and plummet into her stomach.

The lab rat was in a small glass cage, 10 feet by 10 feet, with frosted symbols on the glass. Flashes of the dream she had earlier came to her about being in a human sized hamster cage. If there was a giant hamster wheel involved, Chell was stuffing the ASHPD's firing port into her mouth and opening a portal to her belly, and then CLIMBING INSIDE HER OWN STOMACH.

"Well. Lets get down to business." Disc Operating System staring at her. Every panel was poral-proof in the room and the puddles of water, vines, and debris were all gone. The chamber was spotless and immaculate, but the deep rust stains and gouges couldn't be removed from GLaDOS's shell. She still bore the marks of the hundreds of years that passed, even if she tried to disguise the rest of the factory from it. The gold eye was highly unnerving, but Chell didn't tremble. She didn't beg or cry. She simply kept her grip on the ASHPD, and waited.

"What did you do with the Intelligence Dampening Sphere? I require him back to end this testing. He has vital equipment installed that the facility requires recovering." Swinging her body from a giant pivot in the ceiling, GLaDOS peered down at Chell, as if trying to figure out where _on her person _she was keeping the core. Oh come on, did she really think she was keeping Wheatley down her shirt?

Keeping mum (not that she had a choice) on Wheatley's whereabouts, Chell felt her chest pound uncomfortably. Her poker face was firmly in place, and she simply sat on the floor of the glass cage. ASHPD in her lap. Turkey leg... still in one hand. It was probably poisoned or at the very least drugged, but it still looked delicious and it took a god-awful amount of will power to keep from eating it even knowing that.

"I don't know why you are so determined to keep that annoying moron. He's a traitor you know. He's been assisting me the whole time." GLaDOS rumbled, her smooth voice causing the glass panes to vibrate slightly.

Chell didn't believe her. And her expression said so.

"Hmm, would you like me to prove it? Well too bad. I won't. You will just have to live with the curiosity until it burns you. Like the incinerator room." The white metal of the mainframe's head-piece pulled away from the cage, and the AI gazed to the other end of the room.

Ok, there it was again. The seeming implication that GLaDOS intended to keep the human long term. So which was true... the 'I'm going to kill you' or the 'I'm going to put you in a cage and love you and you will be my Squishy' thing? Because honestly if Chell was about to become a pet...

Becoming belligerent, the woman now gave the turkey leg more of her attention that the giant killer AI. How fascinating. A baked leg of a bipedal and delicious bird!

"I will tell you what the Moron was _supposed _to do. He was modified to record and react to human behavior during testing. Those wonderful reaction you have when you solve tests and coincidentally nearly die – those reactions – he was going to bring those back to me to use for my next test." The AI suddenly was mere inches from the cage, causing Chell to jump. "It was _dumb luck_ he managed to access the system. Dumb. Stupid. Brain damaged luck. And now my testing research is gone. Again. _**Because of you.**__"_

Chell leaned away from GLaDOS as she spoke, the computer's voice modulated much lower than normal and became much _much _more hostile. She barely managed to restrain a flinch of fear.

Then it was like a switch was flipped and GLaDOS had pulled away, her voice once again congenial. "Assuming the moron hasn't destroyed himself, he has probably gotten lost in the facility. Or fallen down a well. I will have to retrieve him. But at this point – you have done all I need. We're done here."

The floor began to vibrate for a few seconds, an Chell held her breath. But GLaDOS suddenly realized something. The AI's eye went a bit brighter. "Or I could use _you_ as bait and wait for him to come to us."

… Now that lead weight in Chell's chest that was her heart seemed to turn ice cold.


	11. Baiting Angry Computers and not dying

**Blah, my Beta is gone more than I am, so I'm flying without a second eye on almost everything. And I'm still too lazy to go back and re-do everything for errors with a critical eye. Allow me to be lazy for quite a bit longer. Motivation to continue comes and goes in spurts, mostly between goofing off with games. I've been having too much fun playing TF2 and backstabbing anyone who looks at me funny. Spy/Defengineer FTW!**

**Sarcasm Still Valid**

**6/29/11**

* * *

><p>Being trapped in a glass cell with no way out and being used as bait to kill your best friend.<p>

… it had to be a Monday.

GLaDOS intended to lure Wheatley back to the hub to recover whatever it was she had jammed into the sphere. The software had been recording Chell and Wheatley's testing reactions – whatever that meant. Being trapped in the cell wasn't so horrible (as compared to being dumped in the incinerator room), but the fact Chell _knew _Wheatley would show up and be torn apart for it made her feel sick. She was inadvertently going to kill him just by being captured.

"It shouldn't take long. I think I'll just broadcast a signal to all Aperture Science AI of the successful capture of a dangerous maniac." GLaDOS kept one eye on Chell, watching her expressions carefully. "Then we can use the good confetti."

With a completely blank expression Chell figured the 'good' confetti had better be made of pure joy or something. Leave it to Aperture to figure out how to turn joy into a tangible object... and then shower it on you from above. Hooray. Oh, lookit that... turkey leg still in her hand. The human suddenly gave the leg of turkey her full attention again.

"Are you just going to look at that, or do you gain calorie mass by visual aid?" GLaDOS asked, disgruntled at the complete lack of attention and respect the human was paying her. "What would happen if I gave you a picture of a stick of butter? Ten pounds? Twenty pound gain?"

This time Chell completely shut her eyes, ignoring everything. There was nothing she could do while trapped, but she could still be spiteful. She wasn't about to be engaging with someone about to destroy her friend. Trying to brainstorm, Chell wanted a plan that would allow Wheatley to enter the room without walking (or rolling as it may be) right into a trap.

How odd was it that one Aperture AI wanted to murder Chell while another wanted to help her escape and had turned into her little robotic-shadow? Within the first few minutes of meeting the core, he seemed willing to do a "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" deal. But once thrown into testing he had all but latched onto Chell, desperate to keep by the human and talk. He had definitely been upgraded from 'partner of last resort' to 'friend'. Was this part of the human based 'testing protocol' GLaDOS was now trying to recover from him? And was the program responsible for the core watching her much more intently that simple observation? It seemed like he was … admiring her.

"Oh, did I forget to poke airholes inside the cage? You seem to be turning colors." GLaDOS leaned forward on the pivot, the mainframe body whining with the hydraulics.

Chell checked herself and quickly calmed down, wiping any form of blush away. Of course the core was admiring her! She had freaking arms and legs, and Wheatley had before shown interest in acquiring a pair of his own. Just like arms and legs could be found lying all over the place, ready to use.

"Signal has been sent. If the ID Core is still on a management rail he should return to the hub immediately. If he is off the rail, he is to activate his beacon to be retrieved." The gold eye narrowed between two blast visors that acted as a blast shield of sorts. "Or else testing will resume again. On what happens when humans are baked."

Chell had a feel GLaDOS was not referring to 'baked' as the stoner term. _'Think! Think! Wheatley was in the vacuum tube system... he knows his way around in there... is there any way I can get her to open a connection to the vacuum pipes?' _Gritting her teeth, Chell clenched her eyes shut, her mind racing.

Well... there was always her favorite hobby: Insane Computer Baiting. … TECHNICALLY, it could be considered a sport. However the first place prize was the same as losing: Death. Or at the very least, passive aggressive remarks. But with the neurotoxin generator offline, all that would come through the vent system would be harmless air cycled through the pneumatic vents. The same vents Wheatley was taking a wild tour of the factory in. So...lets see if Chell could bait GLaDOS into getting the neurotoxin pipes running...

Jamming her hand into her pocket, Chell jerked out the broken grease pen and started pressed a hand on the glass cell walls. GLaDOS said nothing, watching. Truth be told – there was a difference between writing on the ground in front of dozens of cameras, and writing on a glass wall- in reverse- in front of a murderous 15 ton computer. Chell's fingers trembled slightly as she wrote.

**Don't.** Chell nearly put the D the wrong way. She had to make it so all the letters read the right way for GLaDOS. Though she probably didn't have to. GLaDOS was clever enough to read in reverse.

**Kill.** The first two words were so big they spanned across the wall from side to side. Chell had to drop down to the next line for her last word.

**Wheatley**. She finished her small sentence, with only the smallest fragment of grease pen left.

The room was silent.

Chell stood there, unable to do anything until GLaDOS had reacted.

And then the computer turned her full ire onto the human.

"You killed me once, tore me apart, destroyed this facility... and then did most of that again." The tone began to rise, the modulation breaking apart as a rage began to build, "and now you give up and let yourself be caught... and ask I don't kill 'Wheatley'?"

Chell nodded. Even though the whole 'getting caught thing' wasn't really part of the plan. Curse GLaDOS and her infernal turkey leg trap. Or rather, Chell cursed her own curiosity for entering the annex without making sure there was a way out first. For all her caution and use of basic common sense, she had been snared by a really stupid and embarrassing trap.

"I don't even know who 'Wheatley' is!" GlaDOS's voice was loud and upset., she rolled her body closer on it's hanging pedestal to glower at Chell. "But you must mean that annoying Intelligence Dampening core you were toting around."

Wincing, Chell nodded again, not moving an inch. Inside her mind, the name 'ID core' and 'Intelligence Dampening core' suddenly clicked and made sense.

"Are you honestly putting his safety above your own? Humans are supposed to value their own existence above that of even others." GlaDOS seemed to be pulling data from the system, comparing Chell's reactions to those of other test subjects.

Mouth still in a firm line, Chell nodded yet again. Wheatley had done things he _thought _would kill him (but ultimately were completely harmless) to help Chell, and now she was going to bait _the dragon_ to help him. He was her friend, and regardless of whatever data GLaDOS had on human friendship... friends didn't stab each other in the back, leave you behind, or forget you. Even the Companion Cube knew that.

There was a long pause from GLaDOS and she seemed _angry_. Maybe not just angry, but furious might be closer. "Why?" The AI asked. It wasn't really a question. It was a demand. The 15 ton computer gave an order to why she cared about a small scrap of metal over her own human life, and while not telling would make the computer angry (maybe so angry she'd open a neurotoxin pipe)... telling her would make her _raging._

So instead of another word, Chell drew a tiny little red heart on the glass, coloring it in with the last of the red pen. Then she pointed at the heart, and drew her hands to the shape of a round ball, Wheatley's size.

Something about Chell's tiny heart drawing seemed to make GLaDOS even colder. There was the sound of dozens of processors all powering up at once, and the chassis went rigid with tension. "Good bye." GLaDOS said. And that was it. Neurotoxin time.

Turrets were dispensed around the tempered glass cage. Not part of the plan! Not part of the plan at all! Chell was going to-

Wait.. Turrets?

Chell's eyes lit up.

Defective turrets. It was no neurotoxin... but it should work!

Each turret, equip with no bullets and as blind as a mole first attempted to fire upon Chell randomly with futile 'clicks'... and then exploded. Why did they explode? She had no clue, but back in his little turret scanning room, Defective Turret Dale-Triple-A was now her hero.

Glass was spiderwebbed with cracks and shattered, freeing Chell from the cage. The human stood there for a moment, a grin of victory spreading on her face.

"Are you telling me you two idiots managed to subvert turret production to your moronic plans? You don't have the security clearance for that!" GLaDOS' voice echoed as she looked over the ruin from the turrets.

Chell shrugged, tapping the turkey leg against her thigh. Then she bolted across the room for the wall, trying to find some sort of way out of the room or at least something she could break out of or somehow let Wheatley know not to show up. Panels under her feet bumped and shifted as GLaDOS tried to impede her progress, but the human nimbly skirted around them or escaped from any moving platforms before they could recapture her.

"Please assume the Party Escort Submission Position so you can be returned to your cell... **~safety~**. So you can be returned to safety." GLaDOS didn't catch the word fast enough this time, and was forced to try to correct after she had already said it.

_'What are you going to do? Glare me into submission?'_ Chell snorted, dodging a set of panels that tried to swing outwards from the wall to cage her in.

A high pitched whining sound from above caused Chell to throw herself sideways blindly. A familiar mechanical claw closed right where she had been. The hub was still equip with the same huge claw that Chell had been snatched up with and thrown into testing, though it was no faster or larger than last time. _'Catch me once, shame on you. Catch me twice, shame on me. Catch me three times, and I will BLOW YOU UP.'_ Chell gave a slight growl, the sound petering out moment a second mechanical grip came descending towards her. The good news is GLaDOS appeared to only have two claws in this chamber, and they made a lot of noise as they moved about. Dodging them was no problem.

Dodging them and the moving panel floor?... becoming a problem.

"If you stop moving, I promise not to crush you much." GLaDOS said, sweetly.

_'There had better be some neurotoxin after this... and my god there is something WRONG with me if I WANT the neurotoxin.' _Chell rolled her eyes. Then she would have flipped her the bird if she wasn't holding the turkey leg. Actually, that wasn't a bad idea. Chell flipped GLaDOS a dramatic bird.

**SPACK.**

… literally FLIPPED it. The baked drumstick hit the pristine white armor of the head-piece, and then promptly fell to the floor with another **SPACK**.

The AI... did not look pleased. Which in contrast with Chell's gleeful smile, it seemed to be game of chess or really complicated cat-and-mouse. One would get the upper hand, then lose it, and the other would gloat madly about it. Now it was Chell's turn. There she goes, gloating at full-tilt.

You have honestly never seen a human gloat as much as that without saying a single word.

"Alright, that's it." The AI rumbled, the room shaking slightly. "No more Employee Friendly Operating System."

The human only continued to bait the enraged AI. _'Pfft, user friendly? What's the most passive aggressive system I can think of... Linux? Ha, she's totally a Linux box.'_ The smirk widened. The claw was pulled back up into the ceiling, but was not thrown back down again. GLaDOS seemed to be doing something else.

"Seeing as how you are no longer stunned like a bloated and beached whale at my presence... I'll have to bring in something else to return you to your cell to be proper bait for the idiot." GLaDOS swung sideways, lowering her head-piece to be approximately on Chell's level.

No! Not what the human wanted! Neurotoxin! Open neurotoxin tubes!

"I wasn't planning on waking them this soon, and not without the program that little moron has failed to return with. They might not be fit for testing, but they can complete this task of human wrangling easy enough." The AI seemed put-off, angry at having to resort to something like this just to catch a single human, to catch an idiotic core, to do science. WHY WAS EVERYTHING AGAINST SCIENCE?

Despite the fact she knew Chell should be trying to find some sort of exit or crawl space escape, the test subject hesitated and listed to the sounds of the hub shifting. Something was swinging panels, hydraulics and equipment out of the way as it approached. The lab rat stumbled a bit in her movement when she saw two glass vacuum transport tubes jab through the panels of the wall. Unsure if this was going to be 'neurotoxin' or something much worse, Chell retreated to the farthest reach of the round room.

What came through the tubes certainly wasn't neurotoxin. There was a brilliant flash of blue as an optic spun around to look at the room. And for the briefest moment, Chell was afraid it was Wheatley surrendering to GLaDOS's demands and coming to give himself up. However... this blue-eye'd core... had legs. And arms. And seemed ... familiar.

There was a second 'puff' sound, and then another robot appeared, this one with arms and legs too, but this time someone had jammed them onto a freaking turret! Chell had no where else to recoil to, but she shifted so GLaDOS's bulk in the center of the room was between her and those new bots.

"Orange, Blue. This will be your primary field test. Retrieve the test subject and return her to a relaxation vault. Whoever retrieves her will be awarded 100 science points... and cake. Test Subject Marshmallow refuses to assume the Party Escort Submission Position." GLaDOS gave a sigh, twisting around to look at Chell who was trying to line of sight those robots with the AI's massive bulk.

Like sitting on a tack, Chell jumped when the memory clicked. It was the Party Escort Bot... the one that had dragged her back in! After nearly destroying GLaDOS and being exploded out of the facility into daylight, Chell had thought she had freedom. But lying on the pavement –injured and dazed- this was the stupid robot who had grabbed her by the ankle and hauled her back into the building like a sack of potatoes.

THIS was the robot that stole her freedom!

… ok, where was the weak spot? She was kicking him in it.

Charging across the room, Chell took the two bots AND GLaDOS by complete shock as she hurled herself at Blue, plowing into him and sending the two of them smashing into Orange. The turret based bot flopped over like a house of cards, making a frightened trilling noise. The damn Party Escort Bot/Blue flailed as helplessly as a small child under the tiny human's body, completely ineffective at removing the human from himself. AND forgetting that all he had to do was reach up and wrap his arms around Chell and BAM... captured.

No, this guy just sat there and flailed, like a carp on the beach.

Actually, Chell knew where this bot's weakspots were. Same as Wheatley's. After all, they were essentially arms and legs jammed onto a core.

She reached down and yanked the blue eye'd core free from the body chassis. HA! Got your nose—err... head? The blue eye was rolling wildly about, separated from it's body and with no clue what was going on other than a crazy human had … core-napped him. Now it was just a one-on-one struggle between the human and the turret based bot.

"Oh my god. Are you really letting a human get the better of you? If it wasn't so crucial to return her to a cell, I would explode you both." GLaDOS scolded the two bots, who stared blanked from GLaDOS, to the human, and then to each other.

Chell could honestly say she didn't see it coming when the body of Blue lunged towards her, no core in the chassis but still moving. In fact, she wasn't above admitting her jaw fell open and the first thought that came to her head was _'OH MY GOD ZOMBIES!' _Never mind the fact they were robots... she had done what she thought was the equivalent of decapitation, and it was still moving!

So the old survival standby was kicked in by this sudden action. Chell ran. Fight or flight? Well in the face of robots who apparently don't need their heads, Chell chose flight! Turning on springy heel, she lunged from the ground with the additional bounce from the longfall boots sending her going. It was only a few paces in when she realized she was also a good deal faster than these cobbled constructs Orange and Blue.

And Blue had no chance of catching up with her, as it seemed his body had no clue what was going on and promptly walked into a wall.

"... Blue, don't make me reset you before you even make it into testing." GLaDOS sighed.

The core under Chell's arm (oh dammit, forgot to drop it!) started making some sort of pitched oscillations, sounding like chatter. At that noise, the body turned, homed in on Chell, and went running that way as well. Orange had a good fifty foot lead on Blue, while Chell had about a twenty foot lead on the slender bot, leaving her clear other side of the room. Since the room was a giant ring, there was no where to escape to, just keep running around and around. Instead of trying to follow the fleeing Chell, the body of Blue was moving to intercept on the opposite direction. Orange and Blue were doing some sort of pincer maneuver.

Dammit... these weren't moron cores apparently.

Wondering if these cores-with-bodies were like Wheatley in more than just appearance, Chell lifted Blue's core over her head as she fled. The blue eye looked down at her in confusion, rolling sideways as if her strange actions would reveal an answer to the robot. Then she shook the core as frantically as she could. The world's largest magic 8-ball. Or etch-a-sketch. Or shake it like a Polaroid picture? In any case: like something you shake.

Blue's running body fell right over, flailing even more helplessly as the core gave a dizzy sounding cry as his core was shaken. Right on time too. Chell did a sprinter's hurtle of the downed robot, and listening to the satisfying clank as Orange became tangled and toppled over with struggling and disoriented other robot. If there was ever a moment to gloat, Chell decided now was it. She turned to oversee the chaos she had wrought.

Orange's foot had gone right into the space where Blue's core would have fit, entangling both of them and trapping them both. It honestly couldn't have worked any better if Chell had planned it. Which she hadn't. She was more of a 'fly by the seat of your pants' kind of person, with a generous portion of 'and hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass' kind of thinking.

From under Chell's arm, much like she would hold Wheatley, Blue gave a frustrated sounding grumble, his eye looking from the tangled heap of bodies and then up to Chell. She grinned at him. Instead of ticking the robot off with her smug expression, it seemed to confuse Blue.

"They don't have emotions. They don't have fear. They don't have experience either, unfortunately." GLaDOS was glowering from the center of the room, the whole situation disgusting to her. "You are the first human they have seen. Orange. Blue. Pay close attention. This is what murdering, psychotic, deranged humans look like. You can tell by those thunder thighs of hers."

… A vein began to pulse slightly along Chell's temple. The sound of blood in her ears. Time to bait GLaDOS some more.

Blue's head went flying through the air and bonked GLaDOS right in the head-piece. Blue gave a wail of pain, his body no longer struggling as the core rolled helplessly around on the floor and he began a reboot process. GLaDOS, meanwhile, gave a surprisingly high pitched 'ouch!' and the entire 15 ton chassis swung as far away from Chell as possible. As if she had mortally wounded the computer with the tiny core.

_'Where's your neurotoxin now?' _Chell waited, expecting GLaDOS to react violently to the 'attack'.

Any reaction GLaDOS would have given was cut off when Chell was almost broadsided by Orange. The tall and lanky bot grasped the human under the arms, wrapping it's grip over her shoulders and then behind her neck in some kind of full-nelson maneuver and entrapping the human. Giving a startled yelp, Chell squirmed and tried to free herself unsuccessfully. Orange was _much_ stronger than the feeble frame looked.

"Since the Party Escort Submission Position was not used, alternative methods of capture such as the Murderous Escaping Test Subject Sleeper Hold." GLaDOS said, the anger melting away at the successful capture... And there was no way that move existed! Chell called BS!

Dragging the human across the room, Orange struggled to keep the fighting human locked in the pin maneuver, but the robot had it's work cutout for it... him... her? Oh hell, for all Chell could tell it was a walking turret... which would make it female. And probably murderous. Trying to kick it in the shins as she was dragged, Chell grunted in pain as the bruises on her ribs ached terribly. If the inevitable death trap GLaDOS planned to throw her in once she got Wheatley didn't kill her... Chell had a feeling she was going to be manhandled by this robot until something vital broke inside her. Like her spine.

The tube that Blue had entered the chamber through suddenly gave a echoing slamming noise, like a gate being opened. Orange paused in dragging Chell along, and Blue was still rebooting, his core a good thirty feet from his body after conking into GLaDOS.

"What was that?" The gold eye peered at the tube, which had gone from a still silence to the sound of a gale force wind blowing through it. The vacuum system had activated.

Pale eyes widened and Chell bit her lip. IF this was a rescue (and not some sort of trap by GLaDOS while she played the fool), Chell had one really good shot here. Fighting with Orange again, she didn't manage to free herself, but she did spin the two of them around so Orange's back was now to the exit of the vacuum tube.

"ohgodidon'tKNOWHOWTOSTOP!" Was pretty much the sound heard, going from a quiet hush over the wind to a deafening scream as the equivalent of a cannonball flew out of the pipe and smashed straight into Orange's pod. The turret-based bot seemed to suddenly have the dire urge to reboot and slammed straight into the ground, the orange eye dull and flashing with the attempt. Unfortunately, Chell was slung to the ground as well, now with the full weight of the spindly bot draped over her.

And her hero was rolling on the ground, his own eye dull and spinning dizzily. "That **[verb]** really **[adjective]** ..._Rebooting Sector_." Wheatley moaned, disoriented, before his auto systems voice took over and forced him into another reboot.

Scrambling out from under the system restarting Orange, Chell scooped the sphere into her arms and retreated a good dozen steps. Blue was getting his core back in place now, Orange probably had a minute left to reboot. And GLaDOS? Oh... she looked _beyond_ irate. The woman was barely paying attention. Right now she had the right side of her face against Wheatley's shell, rubbing her cheek against him in a soothing gesture. One eye remained open and on the room, while the other was closed and her eyelashes fluttered against the cool metal.

"Uhg... Ch... Chell. Chell! Y-your still alive!" The core came to after a minute, the metal shutters flinging wide open. "I got here in time!" He beamed at her (literally, as his flashlight flickered on for a moment.)

If his plan was just to _get_ here and surrender, he was going to be disappointed when Chell refused to let go of him. Great... now they were both trapped. Sighing, Chell found her lips moving in what would have been words, but the only sound was a soft hum. _'Your rescue sucks.'_ Chell's lips moved silently.

"Rescue, wot? … Di'jou get into trouble when I wasn't around?" The core asked suspiciously.

GLaDOS swung forward, startling Chell with the movement and her cold tone as she glared at the blue optic of Wheatley. "You were in the tube system the whole time? There is a perfectly good management rail that was set up for you to use, you moron." GLaDOS swung from side to side in a repeating gesture. "Didn't you hear the broadcast earlier?"

"Abroad-cast?" Wheatley, either accidentally or on purpose, seemed to mishear GLaDOS. Then he caught on. "OH, that. Yeah, well... they told me if I ever turned on my comm channels, I would _die!_ So I've never used them. Ha, funny that. Just walked right into a trap now, didn't I?" Wheatley looked up at Chell, his eye peering over her arm.

The human sighed and nodded. Yep. Trapped.

"Then to recap: Message was broadcasted - I caught the Marshmallow you are so fond of and we were going to have a campfire... and sing songs... and someone was going to become a s'more. You are to power down and turn your core into the Aperture Science Pod Retrieval system so essential programming can be retrieved. For science." The mainframe hummed in anticipation, GLaDOS seemed much more predatory than usual. "I promise the Marshmallow will go right back into storage, just as she is now."

"You... What! No! You can't have me, I'm mine! … And she's mine too! You threw her out, so she's mine!" Wheatley cried out.

"**YOURS?**"

The human found herself flinching, her slack jaw snapping shut quickly. Oh god, what was this argument turning into? And why was it robots kept trying to put 'dibs' on her?

"Finder's keepers!"

"I wasn't finished testing with her at all! You broke in and _stole her!_ And I don't just give things away. You couldn't maintain a button, let alone something as complicated as a human." GLaDOS glared at Wheatley.

Orange was helped to her feet after rebooting by Blue. But neither of the bots moved towards Chell. They seemed confused with their 'boss' or 'mom' or... whatever... engaged in a verbal fight with the sphere. Chell stood there as well, feeling just as awkward as the two bots probably felt.

"But we made it through testing! I can take care of her!" Wheatley protested.

"She can _take care of herself,_ you idiot." The massive DOS body was swinging in small circles from the pivot, as if trembling in rage.

If at this point GLaDOS wanted to make the floor open up and eat Chell from below... the human would have no problem with this. This whole fight had awkward taken to new levels. She wasn't sure if she should be more frightened or embarrassed.

"Yeah, I-I know. But she's lonely! She needs me too." Wheatley's words were making Chell's face turn pink in embarrassment. It was like listening to someone who had caught a injured animal and nursed it back to health, but was now reluctant to release it. It didn't make his words any less true (the damn little core was a good companion), but the heat of a blush was quickly spreading up her face.

"You have just caused the test subject undue pain and confusion just with your presence. Let me remove that data program and you can just go back to being a complete moron." GLaDOS snapped.

"I am not a complete moron!" Wheatley's voice came out as a whine.

"Oh, that's right, you aren't." GLaDOS said, suddenly kindly. "There is no way you could be a complete moron. You have missing parts. You are an incomplete moron. Sorry for the error, please note that all Aperture Science Grammatical Proof-Checkers have been fired." The AI gave a gleeful pause and then said, "In the incinerator."

Well... that was pretty much par for the course.

The argument still wasn't over yet. Wheatley's little blue optic was mostly shuttered as he tried to match GLaDOS's sheer volume with his own. Chell just stood there, facing GLaDOS with Wheatley in one arm pulled against her chest, ASHPD tucked under the elbow of her other arm, and her fingers curled against one of the weld seams on the white metal shell of the core.

"You've got this whole bloody facility. You've got dozens of other cores like me, and it looks like you've got two other test subjects just over there." Wheatley's voice rose in urgency. "Just let me and this human go, and we'll be out of yer hair forever. -'cept you haven't got hair, have you? Ok, we'll be out of your hanhhh-umm... claws. Out of your claws forever."

"You really don't get it, do you?" GLaDOS glared, heaving a sigh. "It's no use trying to argue with this idiot. You have to argue down at their level of stupidity, and he has mastered the art."

The argument seemed to be over now, GLaDOS was done with wasting words on the stubborn little core. Whatever was going to happen next, Chell felt all her muscles tense up in a prepared reaction.

"Blue, you and Orange go and fetch that core so I can retrieve that data I need to complete you. And make sure you don't crush the subject again, Orange. That would be – unacceptable." The DOS mainframe swung to it's lowest reach, the gold eye level with the two robot's now. Orange gave a raspy kind of trill, nodding quickly but without any sort of fear at the thinly veiled threat to it's 'person'.

Chell didn't want to run from these robots more. There was no point. She may be faster, but in this inescapable room, it was only a matter of time before she tired out. And they would catch her. And they would take Wheatley – and kill him.

Time for a brilliant plan.

… and lacking one of those, it was time for an impromptu plan!

Sprinting across the room again, catching everyone off guard for a second time (they really should have expected it), Chell launched herself at her target. And there was no chance she was missing her subject. It was like hitting the broadside of a barn.

Chell was going to take GLaDOS herself hostage.

It was a foolish plan that would make Wheatley so very proud of her.

If he wasn't howling in terror. "GAAH! W-wot are you doing? Ohmygod ohmygod, we-we're you jus-just- we're going to be killed." He said, his voice trembling slightly, his tone raising to the highest levels of his timbre.

Chell's hands hand caught on the cords of the DOS mainframe, and quickly as if solving a test she had scaled to the upper most portion of the white armor, sitting on what appeared to be a server network cache. With the ASHPD still jammed under the crook of her elbow, Wheatley curled into her chest with the same arm, and one arm clutching at the massive collection of chords while she did it Chell felt like someone owed her a standing ovation for this.

The 'this' in question now being the fact she was sitting on top of GLaDOS like a cowboy rides a bull.

Except this bull was completely still in shock. "Pardon me.. but did you just _climb on me_?" GLaDOS's voice, however, had reached new levels of iciness. "If you wanted to die, I can just open the incinerator for you and you can jump in. Say hello to the pieces of me you threw down there last time."

Keeping her seat on the chassis, Chell twisted her fingers in the cord and gave a firm tug. It was connected very well, but a hard yank would tear it free. She got her non-verbal threat across _'try to catch me up here, and I'll will pull pieces off of you'._

Neither Orange or Blue dared to approach to pull Chell down. Her 'hostage' was the entire facility, and by proxy, them as well. GLaDOS couldn't risk using the winch-claw system on Chell in case the human dodged and she tore off a piece of herself. And aside from using neurotoxin – Which Chell was sure the AI would not use due to that argument where GLaDOS said she wasn't 'done' with her yet – there were no turrets and panels could not reach her. There was nothing GLaDOS could attack with.

That Chell knew of.

"Make yourselves comfortable up there. I expect you think you've got me by the motherboard... well you'd be wrong. All you've got is a new an painful form of punishment coming when you let go." The form of GLaDOS bounced slightly under Chell. "And you _will _let go. You can't stay up there forever, after all. And I can."

… and the freaking AI was right.


	12. Most uncomfortable Chair in the world

My muse wanted me NOT to end this chapter the way I did, but the plotline I have in mind requires it. Thus my muse got all bitchy and went to sit in the corner. So instead I went and played video games. Then my muse decided if I wasn't going to write, at least do something constructive... so I worked on some bonsai shaping. THEN, after rolling in dirt for half the day, I found my muse hiding in the shower, and finished the chapter.

Why is my muse the equivalent of Waldo? I'm going to put a bounty out: DEAD OR ALIVE – KIT'S MUSE. … wait... wait... no, it's gotta be alive. Please don't kill my muse.

**That's MY job. XD**

**Happy Early Explosion Day, Gorgeous! Now go watch some fireworks.**

**Sarcasm Still Valid**

7/3/11

* * *

><p>The whole 'hostage' situation had turned from an graceless confrontation to a Mexican Stand-off pretty damn fast. And not a whole lot had changed since that happened. On hindsight... taking 15 tons of computer hostage was probably a poor idea. But of course – that's hindsight... it's like saying 'I told you so' just to be a jerk about it after the fact.<p>

Shut up, hindsight, nobody likes you anyway.

Even under the threat of the human pulling out wires and cords and smashing whatever her hands could reach, GLaDOS refused to release the human, or let Wheatley leave in one piece. Her reasoning was by the time Chell did enough damage to completely incapacitate the AI, Orange and Blue would have scrambled up her mainframe and snatched the human up. And all damage that could be externally done could just as easily be fixed.

But the same was true for GLaDOS's – she was at a impasse as well. If the computer tried to use the mechanical claws to pluck Chell off her chassis or send her two bots up after her, the human could do enough damage to cause considerable pain. The threat of pain was enough of a deterrent to keep the AI from snapping her right up.

Which left a third line of course – GLaDOS was simply going to wait for Chell to lower her guard, fall asleep, or by some fit of insanity – give her Wheatley. The human couldn't hope to hold out very long against the AI. It was a battle of wills, but Chell had come to the fight with a water pistol and GLaDOS had a mini-gun tank destroyer. That shoots fire. And death.

Unfair.

Orange and Blue sat on the floor beneath the AI chassis, looking up with awe and wonder at the human who dared to challenge the master of Aperture. Their orders were to remain in the room and vigilant until Chell fell asleep, or by luck she accidentally dropped Wheatley. With a vast majority of that time spent just watching the human, the two robots rarely took their optics off the little pink being sitting rodeo-style on the giant computer's 'back'.

"Stop wiggling. I'm trying to do science here." GLaDOS snapped up at the human. "And you are by _far _exceeding unnecessary weight for the chassis to hold." Another jab at Chell's weight. Yet in this situation, Chell wished she weighted 500 pounds. The more weight on the AI, the more likely it was GLaDOS would malfunction or break. Chell would have started jumping on the mainframe just to see what kind of weight it COULD take, but that would be viewed as an attack and the two testing bots would be sent after her.

GLaDOS wasn't about to remain idle for Chell to fall asleep though. She had things to do. Test chambers to prepare, and plans to 'assist' the human in becoming drowsy. First she started neatening up the facility, in perhaps the most boring fashion ever. Which is to say she was adjusting programming down to the very code level, snipping out unnecessary programming that maintains the panel arms and such. Such code-monkey work was almost boring Chell out of her skull.

The air was no longer laced with the familiar bitter scent of adrenal vapor. And the normally freezing building seemed a few degrees warmer when perched on the top of a computer that seemed to be build to produce heat.

Chell was running on five hours of sleep. She was no longer rabidly hungry, and her injuries barely ached at all when she wasn't running for her life. Wheatley was a warm and solid weight in her arms, he was rumbling slightly through his white hull as his processors spun, and his voice was a calming effect on the human's mind. The woman _knew _she was going to be feeling exhaustion creeping back up on her soon.

And that was exactly GLaDOS's plan too.

So Chell encouraged Wheatley to be a distraction for her and keep her awake while she tried to think up a way out. The core was more than glad to do this for her.

Clicking on his sub-speakers, Wheatley's eye dashed downwards to try to monitor GLaDOS, making sure she wasn't listening. "Got a plan?" He asked. "Anything? Some – any, any plan at all that doesn't involve death?"

The human shook her head, a good deal of her hair coming down from her ponytail.

"Maybe we can negotiate?" Wheatley's suddenly said aloud to GLaDOS, Chell tightening her grip on her 'ambassador' as he made the attempt. Chell's line of thought was temporarily derailed: Wheatley – honored ambassador of the great nation of El-Chellvador. At war with the nation of GLaDOSlavia. Who had angry people armed with nukes.

The human gave herself a shake, dragging her full attention back to the conversation.

GLaDOS spoke immediately after he said that. "I will accept two things. One – you being split open to have the hardware removed. And followed immediately by two – tossing you into the incinerator. Negotiations for the Marshmallow have only one option." GLaDOS paused. "Cake."

Chell glared. She didn't want the damn cake! It was probably going to be pain-cake anyway, and she had enough of that already. Squirming around on her uncomfortable position, she dug her heels in just a bit harder than necessary. The computer she was sitting on jerked a little, probably trying to fix her with a glare of her own.

The two testing bots began to hold what sounded like a conversation. But the language was all clicks, chatters, and rumbles. Both of them seemed to 'talk' with a lot of gesturing as well. Orange had much finer control, using fingertips and her hand to indicate as she spoke. Blue, meanwhile, would use his entire body, arms and legs flailing awkwardly as he tried to make his point. Whatever they were talking about, they were animated, though GLaDOS busily ignored them as she organized her systems.

Blue noticed Chell's gaze and looked back curiously.

Finding his blue optic stare a bit off-putting, Chell raised a hand and waved rather half-heartedly. This got the robot's attention almost as fast as if the human had jumped down in front of them and shouted 'Catch me!'. Looking at each other, Blue and Orange chattered for a bit, and then looked back at Chell. Only this time, both hand their hands held palm outwards and gave them a little wiggle.

Oh my god, they were trying to wave.

And it was adorable.

Struggling to keep her passive expression, Chell raised her hand again and waved properly. This time the two bots picked up on the subtle gesture and began waving in earnest.

"Stop corrupting my Testing Initiative Pair! Rebuilding them is one thing, but reformatting their brains back to blank calculators takes time." GLaDOS scolded Chell, sounding nettled.

Which of course only made Chell break into a bigger grin and wave more. The two bots waved back energetically as well, now chattering excitedly.

"Congratulations, you two have discovered the great secret of waving. With it you have gained power over time and space. … Only not. Because it is WAVING, and completely stupid. Stop it." GLaDOS's chassis rumbled in irritation as she glared and Orange and Blue.

* * *

><p>More time had gone by, uneventful in anything escape-related but chock full of passive-aggressive and cutting remarks from GLaDOS. A fresh wave of exhaustion had sprang upon Chell, causing her head to bob like a cork for a few moments before she realized what she was doing. So resorting to pinching the reflexology point in her palm, the soft flesh between thumb and forefinger where the muscle was thick – she received a painful jolt of adrenaline that shot through her and chased away the drowsiness.<p>

Chell had gone through a dozen ideas in her head on how to escape: ranging practical to outrageous. All of them had a huge chance of failure. Then there were the really _really _stupid ideas such as: trying to jump Blue, yank his core out and stuff Wheatley in the chassis and attempt to muscle their way out of the room. Wheatley was quite obviously not compatible with Blue's chassis though. Another rogue idea was 'shooting herself with the ASHPD until a genetic mutation was developed'... sadly the genetic mutation would probably be tumors, but it wasn't a good idea anyway.

In dire need of a break from thinking, Chell gave a long sigh, her left arm grasping a heavy conduit on the AI's body while her other arm kept a grip on Wheatley. She was BORED. And if this kind of boredom kept up – testing was starting to sound pretty good again. She needed a freaking hobby that wasn't fatal to her, in other words. Insane Computer Baiting, while fun, wasn't exactly a spectator friendly sport either.

Wheatley understood Chell's distress, but the human wasn't exactly sure how he knew, though. "Wot about that game you taught me? That stone and cutting instrument and paper game?" He asked.

It was a good enough distraction to keep Chell awake while she tried to unwind. For a good ten minutes, the two of them played the simple game as a means of jump-starting Chell's brain. Just a few moments of leisure to get herself back on the right track.

There was an odd chattering noise from the ground that caught Chell's attention. Twisting one leg under a metal plate so as not to lose her seat if GLaDOS decided to buck or shift, the human leaned forward and looked down at the two bots.

Blue was looking at Orange instead of at Chell. And his hand was balled into a fist. His partner had her own three fingered hand toether, the palm flat out. Blue gave a whooping noise, and Orange muttered and shook her core. Then the two repeated the suddenly familiar action of the game of Rock,-Paper-Scissors, both of them with their hands flat and extended for 'paper'.

They were... playing?

"You two stop that. I expect such idiocy from _these _two, but you are above that! The only way to win that idiot game is by _not playing._" GLaDOS turned only her head-piece to give the two bots a disapproving look. Orange gave a miserable whine, sounding disappointed... but then threw the 'rock' symbol behind her back at the same time Blue discretely threw 'scissors'.

Chell was open-mouth astonished. These two bots grasped the concept of games? Sure, Wheatley understood the point of them, but he was so human-like in his mannerisms it would have been strange if he didn't. These two were only 'human-like' in the fact they had two arms and two legs.

Lifting her left hand off the conduit she had been gripping for support, Chell placed two fingers in her mouth to whistle and catch the robot's attention. Both of them looked up, eager and confused at the sound. GLaDOS's head pivoted upwards as well, trying to glimpse the human on her back. Blue waved automatically upon spotting the human, as if it was now a reaction. Spot a human – wave like a idiot.

So freaking adorable.

Holding up a hand of her own, Chell balled her fist up and pounding her fist into her opened palm, doing the 'countdown' for the game.

Orange chattered excitedly, holding her up own fist and completing the gesture. Chell threw rock, and Orange threw scissors. The turret style robot looked at the two symbols, realized she had lost, and tipped her core forward slightly in disappointment. Seeing as how Chell had won and some gloating was expected, she tossed her free arm into the air in victory, wearing a small grin.

Blue was now in front of Orange, his eye eager and excited as he lifted his own fist to challenge the human. Chell nodded, and then tried the game again. Two symbols were thrown and the winner was again the human. In celebration, Chell threw her arms into the air and grinned widely.

"Are you _trying_ to corrupt my testing bots?" GLaDOS said, the heavy mainframe swaying slowly still. "The Enrichment Center would like to encourage you to climb down and teach them how to put a human into restraints."

Was this another reverse psychology attempt? The Aperture computer AI had tried many types of reverse psychology on Chell before, but only on rare occasion did they actually fool her and work. GLaDOS wanted Chell to interact with them? The program installed in Wheatley was to record, monitor, and develop an adaptation to human reactions. So if GLaDOS couldn't have the program inside of Wheatley, … she was still using Chell from her perch to teach those two robots about human interactions.

Even when not testing, Chell still felt like she was testing.

The corner of Chell's mouth twitched. If GLaDOS wanted those two robots to learn human interactions, she could do that...

Lifting Wheatley from her lap to rest in her arms, the human curled around him in a hug. Her eyes quickly darted to the floor, making sure Orange and Blue were still staring. And they were, their eyes wide and amazed.

"Hello." Wheatley said simply to the woman, his lower shutter drawing up in his version of a sheepish smile.

The hug pretty much enveloped Wheatley so he could see very little else. Chell rubbed her cheek against him for a moment, keeping a tight grip on the embrace. Her eyes opened briefly to watch the two testing bots.

But any progress at getting them to learn the very action GLaDOS hated was interrupted when the giant mainframe she was sitting on suddenly rolled and jerked violently. Chell scrambled to keep her seat, one arm still clutching Wheatley against her while her other hand snatched at the ASHPD before it could tumble from her lap. The bucking only lasted for a few seconds, but Chell had almost been tossed off the mainframe before she got a good grip on a heavy cord and pulled warningly.

"Don't you dare teach them that." GLaDOS hissed.

However it seemed to be too late. Blue was looking over Orange, trying to figure out how best to try that when Orange wasn't nearly as small as Wheatley. And Orange seemed to be thinking that pulling out Blue's core and hugging it like Chell had shown was the proper way.

Well... they got points for considering it, but under the glittering gold eye of the mainframe, both robots stood down and did nothing.

"Pft, that's a waste of something to teach them." Wheatley said, catching on to what Chell had tried to do.

"Exactly. No point. Even the moron realizes that." Even if GLaDOS was surprised at Wheatley's statement, she didn't show it.

"I mean... they aren't soft at all. And it's the fluffy humans that hug the best, I think." Wheatley nodded. There was an instant red flush that rose on the human's cheeks. "Oh! Plus they do that! That embarrassment thing! It's fantastic."

Chell was going to kill him if he kept making her blush like this. Friend or not.

* * *

><p>Chell was not use to sitting idle for long periods of time. There was very little to do while stuck with the 'hostage'. GLaDOS was still attempting to lull the human into sleep, so apparently Aperture had not made any less-than-deadly sleeping gas (probably figured if neurotoxin didn't fix the problem, then it wasn't a problem worth fixing). All she had to do was think, scheme, and smash her head into any hard surfaces.<p>

"Manual override, eh? Not sure that's going to work on _Her_... but you can give it a go." Wheatley said after the first time Chell sighed heavily and slammed her head a little harder than she liked against the metal frame of the DOS unit.

"I'm surprised you haven't tried to smash your head in before, listening to the Moron." GLaDOS sniped. This lead to bickering between the two AI. With mostly Wheatley trying to defend himself (and putting his foot in mouth every time), and GLaDOS spinning elaborate passive-aggressive wordcraft.

The woman tipped her head back against the metal frame of the AI's chassis again, frustrated and bored. An odd noise was buzzing, not from GLaDOS, but coming from the floor below. Gazing around, Chell had no clue what the system was doing, but she tensed – ready to lunge at an escape if it opened up.

"Orange. Blue. I have completed your Dual Portal devices." GLaDOS swung sideways, looking down at the two bots and jarring Chell around. "Please note they are color coordinated for your convenience. Use of an unauthorized Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device by any unauthorized users will result in reformatting your brains into recreational plaything devices for humans and then turned over to the Aperture Science Girls Orphanage." Ah, the Department of Redundancy Department was still alive and kicking. The woman now felt pity for the two robots.

"Once the programming has been retrieved from the ID core, you will need these for testing." Two panels on the floor swung up with the buzzing noise, revealing small mechanical arms holding two portal devices, one in blue and one in orange. The panel holes were too small to escape down... and it was a very poor choice to dive right between the two robots to attempt it. Chell remained still and watched.

Blue eagerly took the portal device... but wasn't quite sure what to do with it. Orange looked up at Chell at her own ASHPD, noting the human was holding it tucked under her elbow. So the turret-based robot tried the same, tucking the ASHPD there. Blue, meanwhile, was looking into the 'business-end' of the device.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Blue. Discharging miniaturized worm-holes into your eye may and/or _will _cause you to go blind." GLaDOS warned.

Chell gave a scoff, pressing her palm into her mouth to hide a chuckle.

The two robots kind of waggled their guns, pointed them wrong-end-out at various things, and nearly dropped them on the floor several times.

"This is just sad." GLaDOS seemed disappointed.

It was a bit stupid to watch. Even Wheatley rolled his eye and then half shuttered it to watch the two newly active bots fail to use the device. But then again, Wheatley had no clue how it worked when Chell reclaimed the ASHPD either.

Hindsight, Mr. Wheatley. It's a bitch.

There was this annoying sort of _grating sensation_ though, at watching the two testing robots fail to even grasp the use of the ASHPD. Chell attributed it to anxiety with a good deal of frustration. And after ten whole minutes of watching Blue try to use the ASHPD to 'poke holes' in Orange and Orange retaliate by whacking Blue upside the head – Chell could take no more.

Both fingers of her left hand in her mouth, Chell cut the air with a piercing whistle. FWEEEEE! GLaDOS's body gave a surprised jump under her, and the head-piece tried to roll upwards to view the human astride the network cache. Orange and Blue likewise looked up, their luminescent eyes wide and both completely silent in amazement.

Then Blue waved.

Spot human – initiate waving procedure.

… so … freaking adorable.

Lifting the ASHPD out of her own lap, Chell inserted her hand into the chamber at the end, where three buttons were positioned at the tips of her fingers. She held the device up into the air like that for a moment. Then she turned and pointed the ASHPD at the wall, pressing the right most button to trigger one portal which sputtered out on the wall. Swinging her arm to another location, she repeated the process with the other portal, a burst of orange fizzling out as it failed to take hold as well.

The two testing bots were fascinated, and Blue was eager to repeat the motion they had just observed. Jamming his hand into the device, the blue-eyed bot instead pulled the trigger that would cause the gravity-gun function of the ASHPD to activate. Orange, observing Chell with more care than Blue had been, fired her own portals first one and then the other. A flash of red and then orange sparked from her portals.

Chell presented Orange with a thumbs-up of victory. Which mostly just caused the robots to look down at their hands and wiggle their thumbs.

"Well..." GLaDOS was completely still. "I suppose you _can _do something useful once in a while. I suppose it was only a matter of time before you did _something _right. One can't be a failure forever." The double edged compliment felt more complimentary than insulting, at least when coming from GLaDOS it did.

However, even now knowing how to use the portal device, Orange and Blue now thought the purpose was to shoot each other with it and watch as the sparks from the failed portals burst like fireworks. GLaDOS was looking down at her two bots in disappointment, and then up at Chell.

The human shrugged. _'I'm not a miracle worker.' _Her bemused expression directed to the mechanical doofus team.

* * *

><p>Chell was exhausted. She had been up for about 24 hours straight. Orange and Blue apparently had the same recharge time as Wheatley, which is to say they were totally fine. GLaDOS seemed to be aware her human nemesis was wearing down too. She had shifted lower to the ground, giving the two bots the chance to climb up onto her chassis the second the human drifted off.<p>

Twenty four hours, no food, no drink, and Chell had to use the bathroom like no one's business. The only thing keeping her awake was the horrible gut churning sensation of hunger and her own body telling her she had to use the bathroom. As much as the human hated the crazed AI... doing her 'business' anywhere in this room would get her killed instantly – regardless of any future plans GLaDOS had for her or not.

"We have to do something soon, you aren't going to hold out much longer!" Wheatley cried out, his voice rising above the whisper in a panic.

Chell bit her lower lip, wincing as her stomach made another pained growl. This time, Wheatley didn't laugh at all. It was nice to know the core at least had a sense of priority when it came to teasing her.

"Stalemate Alternative Solution will be offered in 3... 2... 1," GLaDOs began a countdown, and in the back of the room the iris covering the incinerator room spiraled open.

Chell flipped the AI off.

And to her amusement, Blue raised his middle finger to no one in particular. Just... randomly giving the bird. They were honestly like mirrors, or small children, mimicking whatever they saw Chell doing.

"Blue, don't make me disable your arm. You don't need two for testing." GLaDOS menaced him.

Shifting in discomfort, something like a metal rod was the only thing Chell was bracing her foot on to keep from sliding off on her seat. It stuck out about four inches, and was tipped with a plastic coupler, two large clamps on either side of the rod. The odd thing was it looked familiar. Where had Chell and Wheatley seen-

Wait... Wheatley. The rod sticking out of GLaDOS looked exactly like the copper coupler plug that had been used to hook Wheatley to the systems so he could hack. And once Chell remembered that, a painful and horrifying memory of the first some she saw the giant chassis came to mind. GLaDOS had cores hooked to her at one point...

This was an idea!

Bleary eyes brightening, Chell shook Wheatley slightly to shake him out of his standby mode. Then she pointed at the coupler with her forehead, nodding downwards and her eyes focusing on it. Wheatley looked in confusion, unsure what Chell was trying to point to. When she surreptitiously tapped her heel against it, Wheatley's blue optic widened and his shutters flew open. Raising one eyebrow as if to say _'is it a bad idea?'_ Chell waited for his response.

The core appeared cautious. But only for a second or do. "Do it!" He said, forgetting his volume.

"Do what?" GLaDOS asked, suddenly rolling her body to try to look at the two riders on her.

Chell hesitated for just a moment. If hooking Wheatley to the plug put him at the mercy of GLaDOS... she would never forgive herself. But they were out of options, and Chell trusted her intuition that this was a workable idea. But it meant Wheatley was the one really in danger.

Lifting the little core, Chell gave him a quick kiss just above the optic. _'Don't you dare get deleted from this'._ She wished to say. However her unsaid wish probably didn't get understood by the core either. Upon being kissed, his optic rolled upwards and his shutters closed in bliss.

"You two... such deviates." GLaDOS spat.

"I'll be careful." Yet somehow, Wheatley understood what Chell wanted to say. "What's the worst that could happen?" He asked, rhetorically.

… Hindsight 20/20, yes, yes, we all know.

_'Here we go!' _And without another moment, Chell slotted Wheatley into the mainframe's core attachment link.

"AAAHHHHHEEEEE!" The shrill shriek from GLaDOS made the human think that attaching the core wasn't as painless as putting on clothing or something. It sounded horrible. GLaDOS's voice went into static, the auto-tuned pitch going haywire. Wheatley's eye widened and the blue expanded brightly as his center most ring spun – he was... hacking? Or was this a typical interface?

Orange and Blue were quickly climbing up the chassis, struggling to reach the human now that Chell had made the first move. The ASHPD was in their right hands, but like Chell they only needed one empty hand to climb. They weren't fast, but they would reach her long before Wheatley stopped doing whatever it was he was currently doing. Chell's mind already had a solution to this problem though. The human had already 'taught' the two bots one thing that was useful.

Chell waved at them.

Blue and Orange spotted her waving, and removing their one hand from the chassis to wave back... both went tumbling to the ground. The impact forced yet another reset in both of them.

_'VICTORY FOR HUMANS!' _A wide and toothy grin spread over the woman's face and she jammed both her arms into the air.

And yes, she felt a little bad for doing it. A little.

The sound of processors whirring madly, and the long and pained whine from GLaDOS continued on for a few moments before the AI recovered enough to be _furious_. "The E-e-e-enrichment Center would like to remind all test subject that exposure to neurotoxin may not be part of this test – but you are going to be exposed to it anyway." GLaDOS snarled, her voice having a hiccup as she tried to unseat the human by jerking violently around.

Chell clung desperately to the machinery, watching as several tubes swung into the room and began venting their contents... which would conveniently be nothing. Neurotoxin... still down. This could honestly not be going better if they had planned it. Flying by the seat of her pants... EPIC WIN.

"... I hate you so much, right now." GLaDOS's voice was hard and steely at the loss of her Neurotoxin Generator.

"No, you don't! Chell is our friend. She only wants to help." Wheatley said suddenly, his voice also over the PA system broadcast instead of coming from his core. "And you definitely don't want to tear me apart to pull out the hardware you put in earlier. You want to just let us go, before we accidentally break something else. It's a much better idea – letting us go, yeah. The facility is too fragile for clumsy humans to be in."

This was the plan? GLaDOS wouldn't want to put her revenge on hold, especially not after realizing the two of them had disabled her beloved neurotoxin generator! But... the AI seemed to pause. Considering Wheatley's words as if it was possibly worth merit. Any personality core hooked to the AI had a hundred fold more influence that their voice just speaking to her could. And right now, Wheatley was the 'Muse' who drives you onwards to do something common sense would dictate not to.

And Muses were not to be ignored. It could be attempted, but even an iron will would slowly wear thin against one. GLaDOS was used to cores hanging on her, but after being allowed to run with no cores at all for the past few days, she had started to cache the information on just how persuasive they could be.

"No! I wa-want her dead, now!" GLaDOS tried to buck Chell off again, and the human swung out into open space, now only hanging by the edge of the frame as she struggled to pull herself back up. The ASHPD tumbled to the floor, clattering next to a downed Orange.

"Nonono! She's a lovely person! Humans don't deserve this!" Wheatley seemed a bit panicked at the resistance. "Ah um... M-morality. What would Morality do? Oh, here we go! Aperture Science Generic Lifeform Discouragement Release... god, what a mouthful. Lets give that a go."

There was an electric crackle and Chell found she was suddenly shocked with enough electricity that her hands went numb and she fell from the chassis, barely clinging to consciousness. Slamming into the ground, Chell was crumpled next to Orange and Blue, who were both cycling their systems to restart again. The electricity had stunned the human into a rigid stiffness as she gasped for air.

Dammit, Wheatley.

There were was a yelp from Wheatley and another wildly pitching scream from GLaDOS as the electricity hit them. The frantic whir of every component of the DOS mainframe suddenly dropped in pitch, either turning off or reducing back to normal levels. The entire body of the chassis slumped, limp and apparently deactivate.

_'What happened?'_ Chell gave a cough, her hands tingling with pins and needles from the harsh shock.

"Core Transfer in progress. Attention: Stalemate Associate. Please press the Stalemate Resolution button to replace cores." The automated system was still functional after whatever it was Wheatley had done.

_WHAT HAD WHEATLEY DONE?_

Stumbling to her feet, Chell noticed a compartment was now open off the hub, and a rather notable pedestal and button were sitting right there. Asking to be pushed. Because that's what you do with buttons (unless this one were some kind of ninja button and you had to … oh god, Wheatley's insanity was rubbing off). Even though her legs felt like rubber from the huge electric jolt, Chell found she was already heading to the button.

Now if common sense were active, and not shocked to all hell, Chell might have turned and pulled Wheatley free first. However she had seconds before Blue and Orange finished their reboot, and who knows how much time until GLaDOS suddenly became active again. Pushing buttons – admittedly- was easy.

So Chell was going to go press the hell out of it.

**WHAM!**

The button was pressed with enough force that Chell's numb hand actually throbbed.

"Ahh!" GLaDOS suddenly jerked as more sparks and then smoke trailed from her body, jerking wildly in her upside-down position before finally going limp. She made not a single sound.

"Stalemate: resolved." The system said, sounding satisfied. "Replacement core, are you ready?"

Wheatley was still shocked into rebooting, his system's all on standby.

"Interpreting lack of answer as 'yes'." The system, if anything, sounded pissy. "Main core, are you ready?"

There was another bout of silence from GLaDOS.

"... Also interpreting lack of answer as 'yes', and also 'I like cake'. Beginning transfer procedure." The system didn't seem to like being ignored. Chell raised an eyebrow, quickly sprinting back into the room and snatching up the ASHPD before Orange and Blue came back online.

… oh crap.

Orange and Blue have come back online.

Chell had a feeling she had the worst timing in the world half the time, and the best the other half. Why couldn't she have mediocre timing?

There was a quick lunge by Blue, who plowed right into Chell and slammed her to the floor. Orange retrieved Chell's portal device, looking at the human's ASHPD curiously and then down at the one she had gotten earlier. However any action to remove the human back to a relaxation chamber was completely stopped when GLaDOS started shrieking.

The sound put chills through Chell's very marrow. What had she done?


	13. Nobody likes Hindsight

Wow, Sorry! I normally don't update this late! I got SUPER distracted. I've been playing TF2, L4D (1 and 2), some tower defense games, minecraft still (Fear my giant creeper statue), and all at pretty much the same time. While working. And having a lol at various things. I WILL finish this story, I have never abandoned a fic yet!

However, if you run into a crazy bastard in TF2, L4D by the name of Kit. That's me. And I'm probably there to make your life miserable … even if we are on the same team. (Sorry, unintended side effect of derping. And for the love of god, don't give me grenade launchers. In ANY game.)

**Sarcasm Still Valid**

**7/15/11**

* * *

><p>Whatever the button pressing Chell had done earlier resulted in, it was safe to say she was regretting it. Blue had tackled her to the ground and proved to be impossibly strong. Orange had the ASHPD removed from her reach. Both had acted upon GLaDOS's last order to catch the human (as they were both rebooting when GLaDOS changed her mind and decided death was the way to go), but once the Aperture AI stared shrieking in what was undoubtedly pain, both bots froze.<p>

"NO NO AAAAAAAA~Aaaa," Dissolving from a cry into a cascade of notes and sounds, the podium under the DOS mainframe raised to to shield the area from sparks from dismantling. Just as well, because Chell found she couldn't watch. She wanted to cover her ears, but Blue had her pinned to the ground by her arms. Orange gave a panicked sound at the shriek, actually looking down at Chell as if she expected the human to do something.

There was a heavy THUD as the head-piece once fitted to the Disc Operating system fell over the spark shield to the floor, the sparks in the recessed podium casting strange shadows in the room. The head-piece had come mere feet from hitting Chell and Blue, and the robot snatched up the human and retreated to what he probably considered a safe distance.

If he had retreated to what Chell considered a safe distance – they wouldn't be in this damn lab anymore.

What was happening now? There was the sound of the deep thrumming, similar to the beat of a heart. It was the same sound of the system doing a complete reboot, just like when GLaDOS had been pulled from death itself. Blue had the human around the middle, tucked under one arm like one would carry a pillow (and apparently with all the difficulty of carrying one as well. The bots were stupidly strong). Both of the testing pair were frozen, not even a chatter amongst themselves as they looked from the DOS mainframe down to Chell, and back up. They're eyes were like yo-yo's, confusion writ on their featureless faces.

_'Look robots, just because I seem to be stuck in a cycle here... like that move 'Groundhog Day'... does NOT mean I have any clue what's going on.'_ Chell sighed, danging from Blue's arm.

There was a rumble, and the panel walls of the room began to tremble. A shrill hydraulic whine filled the air as the spark proof panels began to retract back into the podium. The DOS body was still hanging limply, but without the head-piece there was a funny- wait...

Chell's mouth fell open... Wheatley was attached to the DOS frame?

"Hnngg, oh god. " The core/DOS AI struggled to move, the chassis, shifting a bit and lifting, but dropping back to the limp position again. "If I had known how much that would hurt- Chell? Chell, where are – oh! There you are!" His upper and lower core handles had been removed, leaving his armored plates free to flex and expand. However the replacement system hadn't bothered fixing any of his damage: His optic was still cracked, his hull was dented and scratched, and he still had the warped section where GLaDOS had pried him open to put that 'Human-Hardware' inside him.

Chell waved, still trapped. _'Little help here?'_

However, any sort of coherent though (hey, it could be a _first for him) _went out the window when Wheatley seemed to consider the human. "Bloody hell, I'm huge! And you are so small...Awww, so cute and tiny. Lookit! Tiny! That makes it more cute, right?" Wheatley seemed to be adapting to the chassis now, he managed to lift the heavy system up to swing around. "Ok, you two, let her down and then we can all get out and have a go at freedom."

Blue gave an angry trill, and Orange was hovering over the head-piece that had once been GLaDOS. The turret-based bot seemed to be trying to wake the toppled AI master of Aperture while Blue apparently made some sort of argument.

"No nono, listen. I'm in control now. We pushed _her_ out. Which means I'm your boss. And as your boss, I say to let that human go, and ...um... lets take five then, yeah?" Wheatley apparently could understand whatever language Blue was speaking.

Stepping backwards again, Blue twisted so Chell was no longer in Wheatley's view. The robot didn't sound very convinced. In fact, he sounded rather pissed.

"Y... what... Y-you're taking her _hostage _until I give you _Her _back?" Wheatley recoiled in the DOS body, looking aghast.

Chell did a double take. Ok, those two testing bots- they were TOO clever. They had learned to wave and to play a silly game, but apparently they had learned the art of taking hostages from Chell's attempt (and failure) earlier. But they were probably about to learn the hard way – Chell made a _terrible _hostage.

"Ok, ok. Lets all just calm down – _and give me back my human_." Wheatley rumbled, the panel wall units trembling as his voice dropped in pitch. The AI was NOT a happy little (strike that, MASSIVE more like it) core.

Now Blue sprang backwards again, trying to bargain or argue or something. Chell's head ached, she was tired, hungry, and had a dire need to use the bathroom. If these two half-wits didn't finish this soon... actually she decided to finish the fight for them. Dangling her leg as Blue retreated a few more steps from Wheatley, Chell tripped him and the robot stumbled. Dropping the human so he could catch himself with both hands, she rolled free and quickly turned to bolt back to Wheatley. Despite all her exhaustion, she ran all the way back to the DOS system that her friend was wedged into where she slammed into his new frame and clung – knees weak.

The AI turned and glared mightily at Blue once Chell had reached him. "Sorry there, luv. These two are abnormally stubborn. Not sure why _She _would program anything like that. Bit annoying."

He hadn't meant it, but it came across as a bit of an insult to the naturally stubborn Chell. However she said nothing (or more accurately, didn't pantomime anything), just looped her arms around the core and gave a huge sigh. They had done it! For the second time in her life, she had taken down the most powerful computer to have ever existed. And armed only with a reality distorting gun and an AI who probably rode the 'short bus' for computers.

And she had to use the bathroom so badly she was willing to give herself up if they hadn't managed this impossible task. Tapping Wheatley on the white hull (that was once GLaDOS's) Chell gave a grimace and twisted her self in what was a universal 'I have to go to the bathroom' squirm.

Wheatley, was apparently unlearned in the way of this subtle 'dance', and rolled in the chassis looking down at her. "Not sure what you want there. Victory... dance?"

Maybe later, and a good old fashion gloat would be needed too, but now was not the time. Chell shook her head, and clapped both hands to her lower gut, shifting impatiently from foot to foot.

There was a sudden jerk from Wheatley, who apparently was still gaining features one after another for the facility as they all came back online. "Oh! OH! I can just check this bloody _massive _database on human interactions! Quite detailed. I guess this was _Her_ hobby... now then... dancing... dancing..." He seemed to be perusing an index somewhere. "Wow, you lot sure like to move about, don't you." He remarked, naively, probably actually looking up dancing. Which Chell couldn't imagine a lot of humans did a lot while testing. Not even the insane ones (and there were times she was sure she was among them).

Behind Chell, there was a high pitched trilling from Orange, who was still holding Chell's ASHPD and apparently trying to coax the human to come get it... like baiting a dog with a biscuit. Raising one eyebrow to arch upwards, Chell could now tally the number of robots who blatantly underestimate her to... oh hell, ALL OF THEM. Every turret, core, giant freaking AI, and now testing bot seemed to think humans were a couple of crayons short of a box.

In response to Orange's 'bribe', Chell lifted the middle finger to her. Blue noted the proper use of the gesture this time, and gave a rather put-off sound at the insulting gesture.

"Wot? Still not happy? Just saying _'be free little robots, go be free in the world' _not good enough for you?" Sounding irritated, Wheatley swayed in the giant DOS body. "Fine, what do you want then?"

Chell sighed as she watched the core try to bargain with the two bots. He was apparently unaware that GLaDOS had been threatening them with exploding earlier, so there was probably some kind of 'push button to blow up robots' button somewhere – probably back in the Department of Redundancy Department.

How would you go about getting a job in that place anyway?

Speaking at once, both the bots started chattering at once, gesturing wildly from Wheatley, and then down to the deactivated GLaDOS. It sounded like an angry DJ was going crazy on a turn-table, and didn't help Chell's headache. The core seemed to have no trouble understanding the two co-op pair's strange language though.

"Ok. Ok, I think we can do that. You help my mate here find – well, I'm not rightly sure, but she's sure being insistent." Casting his blue optic down on Chell, the human huffed. "But give her a hand, and I'll reactivate... _Her_." He sounded wary.

And Chell was now horrified.

WHAT? Was he completely INSANE? Waking up the angry demi-god like computer who wanted to kill them? That was IN FACT on the top of the "Things I must never do … _again_" list! (Odd thing, item #2 would be 'eat poorly cooked potatoes').

The completely appalled expression wasn't lost on Wheatley though. Attached to the huge body, he swung a bit closer and blinked. No wait... that was a wink. Oh for gods- he really needed two eyes to carry that out effectively. But there was the familiar hum of sub-speakers turning on, a little click and pop, and then the core began to whisper.

"Don't worry. Have an idea." He started saying in a whisper. "I'll wake her up, but I bet I can do it so she can't do anything back. 'Cept complain that is. And complaining never hurt anyone."

If anything, the look of horror grew ten fold. The core assumed it was at the plan to wake up GLaDOS, but it was caused by the small phrase 'I have an idea'. Chell was going to go prematurely gray if he kept having ideas. They were bad for her health.

"I'll even figure out how to get the elevator to the surface together while you find your – whatever." Wheatley tried to coax Chell into going along with his plan.

And... like usual... Chell went along with his plan. She gave a sigh, nodding and then resting her head against his white armor, a bit mollified to be going along with his ideas yet again. There was an exchange of 'hostages' once she agreed. Blue pushed the white armored head-piece of GLaDOS over the the heavy podium under the DOS body at Wheatley's instruction. Orange stepped up to Chell.

And then waved.

Well... it could be worse – Orange was completely adorable when she did that.

Looking back over her shoulder at the core hooked to the most powerful processor in the world, Wheatley was watching as Blue tried to beckon Chell towards the door ("Ah, door locks... here we go... and why are 'door locks' connected to the 'neurotoxin release'? Why would you ever want to lock doors AND turn on the – oh."). She stopped for a moment, Orange giving a confused chirp.

Raising her hand, Chell waved slightly to her partner. Wheatley's eye went from a suspicious narrowed slit to a calmer gaze as he watched. The human returned to the two constructs waiting by the door, casting a last glance back at GLaDOS's deactivated old unit. If she got back here and there was fire, death, or GLaDOS was back in her body and the elevator didn't exist... so-help-me, someone was going to be sorry.

… Yes, it was probably going to be Chell. But she could make others suffer along with her at least.

Orange made sure to fall in step with Chell, and every hobbling limp the human took, Orange would adjust pace to match. Blue walked just ahead of them, a gibbering sort of noise coming from him as he pointed at various structures. If he was acting as a tour guide, Chell would have to nod and smile as she had no clue what he was saying. If Chell and Orange started to fall too far behind Blue, he would turn around, and wait a bit for them to catch up.

One thing the woman did notice with Blue leading like this is he had a word written on the back of his chassis. 'ATLAS'. Was it a model type? Was it his name? An acronym for something? Just because GLaDOS called them Orange and Blue didn't make it their names (though they did respond to it). In the same fashion that GLaDOS had referred to her as Test Subject, Monster, and Marshmallow, although she only responded to those names by icy glares.

There was also a black stamp on the back of Orange. FRAME TYPE P. Ok, maybe they weren't names after all. Atlas was a believable name... but P-Frame was probably right up there for Most Terrible Names Ever. Right after 'Ted' and 'Hand of Manos', worst name ever.

So three language-challenged beings made their way through Aperture hallways. Blue smashed his foot into a fallen beam at one point, and despite not being able to speak, he gave a high pitched yelp that sounded a lot like a human's version of _'ouch!' _followed by a grumble of what sounded suspiciously like '_damn I-beam'._

Chell pat him on the shoulder. Yes, she knew what that felt like. … The- not being able to speak but somehow still getting understood part. Ok, so she also knew what it felt like to ram your foot into a giant I-beam too, but that wasn't the important part. The important thing was Chell was beginning to understand how they spoke. It was all about the tone rather than the 'words'.

* * *

><p>Apparently Blue had a destination in mind, because they came to a section of lab that seemed less a lab and more a break room. There was a massive amount of tables, chairs, and probably what were appliances at one point but were now rusted blocks If this was an area where humans could have taken a break, there had to be a bathroom nearby! Moving a little faster and being matched in speed by Orange the whole time, Chell passed an assortment of closed and unlabled doors until she found was she was looking for.<p>

A picture of a stick figure in a dress was etched into a white metal door. Women's room! Chell's pinched expression bloomed into one of relief and joy. Even if half the bathroom was out of order, she's settle for doing her business out view of the million cameras that covered this facility. The door wasn't locked but stuck slightly under Chell's push. Giving it a few shoves, it started to cut a rusty path in the warped tile, but it gave no more than an inch each push. Orange watched for a few moments and after realizing Chell wanted in there, she reached out with one hand and gave the door a shove.

There was the sound of rusty metal rending, and the robot gave a chatter of pride. Half the door swung open easily. The other half... was left rusted into the settings. Chell gave Orange a look that both said, _'Thanks... and oh my god never push me.' _The lower portion of the door was stuck closed, so Chell stepped over broken door and scooted into the bathroom.

It was mostly intact, but apparently the sprinkler system had gone off at some point and everything that wasn't chromed or porcelain was now rusted quite badly. But the tile floor was clean, the toilets were... well... toilets. And the water, as if to spite the state of the labs itself, still worked. This woman's bathroom was actually a locker room, and had showers as well. Giving a quick thanks to the powers that be that haven't killed her (yet), Chell was far overdue for a shower. She was starting to smell... fragrant. Any more fragrant and the little robots were would to start pointing it out, and they most certainly didn't even have noses!

But then a half-paranoid (but in this place, she called it 'common sense') voice in her head said to be wary. Of what, Chell wasn't sure since GLaDOS had been dethroned. But her common sense was very rarely wrong. It also never hurt to be cautious.

An orange eye was looking over the human's shoulder, watching with interest as Chell made a decision. Turning, the human raised her hand in a wave, and Orange quite eagerly returned the gesture. Trying to find out just how easy it would be to communicate with robots who spoke their own language, Chell began a rather detailed pantomime. First she pointed right at Orange. Then at the floor where Orange was standing in the doorway. And then she held both hands up in the 'stay' command. Finally, she pointed to the door itself and repeated the stay command.

The robot seemed unsure, but it seemed to gather at least part of it: being that Chell wanted Orange to stay in one spot. If the bot would actually stop anyone from entering the bathroom... that was another matter. But for the love of god if she got out of the shower and Blue was sitting there watching too, and they both had popcorn?... she was going to END THEM.

… And eat their popcorn. Actually, if they had popcorn, they would instantly be forgiven. Food sounded marvelous.

Heading around the corner of the bathroom and immediately taking care of her business, Chell figured she had maybe a half hour to shower, clean up, and if possible find clothes that weren't stiff and rigid with sweat. After that, Wheatley was probably going to cause some sort of disaster if left on his own. Like blowing the roof off the lab to escape. Checking the lockers, she found there were about a dozen plain white tanktops with the Aperture logo and some sort of spandex shorts of various sizes. No jumpsuits at all to be found, no pants, no shoes and no long sleeve shirts, so Chell was just going to have to deal with her battered jumpsuit as well as she could.

Tossing her clothes in a pile, and unbinding her hair, Chell stepped into a shower and cranked on the water. Hindsight – she realized – should have been to test the water first. The woman was assaulted with icy water that caused her to give a squeak.

There was a buzz from Orange, apparently still standing by the door in response to Chell's noise.

Sticking her arm out of the curtain and waving, hoping it would be the reassurance to prevent the bot from coming to see what the problem was, Chell twisted the dial frantically on the shower in the other direction. The water changed from frozen glacier water to room temperature... but no higher. The woman felt it was GLaDOS's first, or possibly last, spite against the humans. To disrupt all the hot water from the showers.

Or maybe it was just old. No use complaining. There weren't ALWAYS evil computers out to make life miserable, after all.

She hoped that was the case, anyway.

* * *

><p>As she had thought before, it took her almost a full half hour just to shower and dry off, pulling new clothes on under the jumpsuit. Now freshly washed, smelling like a deranged fruit medley (someone had liked passion fruit and mango shampoo), and drinking from a tap until she was sure she sloshed when she moved, the woman tried to sate the hunger by drinking as much as possible.<p>

Since there were no longer any tests to be had, Chell was loath to put the longfall boots back on. Yes, they had saved her life multiple times (falling was a part of testing), but they pinched her shins and in the shower she had noticed deep bruises where the fitted forms pressed into her. They weren't nearly as bad as those horrible springs that had been fused to her knees had been... but longfall boots were by no means comfortable to wear long term. If possible, she was just going to walk back to Wheatley carrying these boots. As long as the path didn't cross several miles of broken glass, she could deal with rubble while bare foot.

Exiting to the locker section of the restroom, Chell spotted Orange leaning heavily against the closed and broken door, two ASHPDS tucked under one arm (her's and Orange's own). The testing robot spotted the human and automatically began waving Maybe it was just a reaction to seeing anything, not just a human. Chell had a feeling if she put on a sock puppet and poked her arm around the wall, Orange would wave to that as well.

…

Actually... Was this a sign of insanity to even be considering it? … No, Chell decided. No it wasn't. This fell under the domain of tormenting robots.

Which was mostly hilarious.

Smiling slightly at Orange, Chell waved back. The robot seemed happy by the gesture, the trilling chatter rising in pitch. Removing herself from the door, the robot took three steps forward. But if Chell was about to go and pull the door open to leave, she really didn't have to. The door more or less exploded inwards.

Blue tumbled into the room, the now completely ruined door collapsing onto the tile. He became a jumble of limbs, rolling across the floor with his core spinning. He came to a halt, face down on the floor. Then he looked up, aiming his blue optic at Orange, and gave a very angry sounding grumble.

Then he too spotted Chell and waved, still flat on the floor.

Apparently, Orange had been leaning against the door to keep Blue out as well, and once she had removed herself the other robot who had been shoving against the frame went tumbling forward. The robots attempt to listen to her request for privacy was sweet, and Chell carefully looped an arm around behind to the bot to give her several pats on the back.

Orange jerked in surprise, twisting her core around to see what the human had attempted. But since there was no damage to the robot and the human was smiling, Orange seemed to decide the action was a good thing. She leaned over and repeated the gesture to Blue. The round robot took the gesture to be a sign of affection as well, and repeated it to Orange.

So basically, pats all around.

Which is why on the way back to the hub, Orange and Blue were taking turns giving Chell a pat on the back, or shoulder, or head (or ass, as Blue once missed on his attempt when she walked forward). They honestly were like children. If Chell wasn't careful, they'd pick up something that she'd regret later, like the hostage taking situation. Well, it wasn't like they were going to learn swear words or anything else though.

The hub was silent when they got back. An elevator shaft had extended from the floor upwards, a car waiting with it's doors inviting. Wheatley had figured out the escape pod system! And the robot in question was quietly slumped forward, but a slight rocking motion indicated he wasn't offline. Chell shuffled up to the core, her bare feet padding silently on the floor until she stood in front of them. A few moments paused, but he didn't react, apparently deep in thought (also a first for him). So Chell licked her lips and then pursed them to whistle.

A blue spot appeared in front of Chell quite suddenly as the shutters opened. "Oh!~ You're... back. Sorry, I got distracted, and you were so quiet without those boots of yours. There's an awful lot in the systems. It's like, amazing, just so much in here!" Wheatley was now looking down at Chell, curious. "Hmm, you look better. Oh, you went and cleaned up, didn't you?" The core's voice grew softer as he seemed to consider his escape partner.

Even when it should have been terrifying this close to DOS system that had nearly killed Chell several times, she wasn't bothered at all. Wheatley's presence in the system completely undid any of the terror that GLaDOS used to hold in it. And yet the fool was going to restore the AI? Chell sighed, sitting on the ground in front of Wheatley and gazing up at him with half focused eyes. She was too tired to work out any more ideas for the day. Hell, she was even too tired to escape. All she wanted to do was sleep, and then escape when she woke.

"Care for a rest?" Wheatley asked.

The woman nodded, yawning.

Blue gave an insistent rumble. Orange gave a frantic nod, looking around for the head-piece of GLaDOS but it was no where to be seen.

"I know, mate, I know. Working on it. It takes time to transfer all the data the _dragon_ had over. And don't worry, she _will _be waking up. In about 8 hours." Wheatley tried to assure the robot. "But before she wakes up, Chell and I are going to go for an escape."

The woman leaned against Wheatley's undercarriage from her slumped sitting position. At his words, she reached up and pat him on the side, her hand falling limply to the ground again and she sighed. She wanted to be able to hold the core again, or at the very least some sort of contact. But sleeping sitting up like this was going to be too difficult.

"The floor is a horrible place for you like that, you know?" Wheatley swayed slightly. The natural movement of the DOS chassis was a side to side motion, and Chell was pretty much impeding that. There was the hum and click as Wheatley engaged the sub-speakers to whisper again, "Plus, not sure I quite trust those two as far as I can throw them. Which –coincidentally- may be quite far by now. Apparently, I have giant robotic facility arms. Not the same has having actual arms, but bloody impressive!"

Half listening and half dozing, Chell jerked violently out of her stupor when something poked her. Orange and Blue were still dead ahead against the wall, watching her (and upon spotting the eye contact, both waved like idiots). So what had just poked – wait... what had Wheatley been saying before? Turning to look behind her, Chell's brain decided it was going on holiday, flipped her off, and then turned into goo.

Giant. Robot. Arm.

Yep. That was certainly a giant robot arm if ever a giant robot arm existed. It was … well... GIANT! And arm-like. If fainting weren't something reserved for those weak of constitution, Chell probably would have keeled right over at the sight of the two-tine clawed robotic limb.

"Up, you go now!" He simply said, the claw moved forward and opened, touching Chell slightly but not closing around her. "You'll have to grab on. I'm pretty sure I could squish you with this. Not really wanting to squish you here, so just latch on like a barnacle and I'll pick you up." Wheatley encouraged her.

The floor may not have been a good place to sleep, and Chell certainly didn't have the energy to climb back up the DOS mainframe, but this seemed like a bad idea. But then again, most of Wheatley's plans were, and she DID manage to walk away from most of them. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, Chell grabbed onto the arm, letting it lift her off the ground and then depositing the woman onto the top of the mainframe again. "I'm sure it's not comfortable up here, but it's better than the floor. And probably a good deal warmer." The core said cheerfully.

Suddenly, this was quite possibly the best idea ever, second only to Wheatley's high-fives. Round two of Giant DOS System Rodeo... begin! Only this time, the rodeo would be about sleeping.

Chell curled her arms around a heavy set of conduits and slumped sideways into them. It was warm, Wheatley kept the DOS system rocking gently from side to side, and for quite possibly the first time since waking up, things seemed alright.

Yes. Hindsight would have it's revenge. Of course, she just didn't know it yet. Because that is the nature of hindsight. A lesson to you. If you ever meet hindsight in a darkened alley, punch it in the kidney and steal it's damn wallet. Because _nobody_ likes hindsight.


	14. In which everything goes wrong

**Sarcasm Still Valid**

**7/24/11**

* * *

><p>Chell might have figured that once she fell asleep Wheatley would be having a grand old time on his own in the system. Or perhaps he'd be keeping a frantic eye on the two testing bots. Or maybe he'd just WATCH her like some kind of stalker (never mind the fact he really couldn't see her on his back). But whatever was happening while she was asleep, she could honestly care less. She was simply too exhausted and stressed to force herself along any further.<p>

With the tiny human curled around the heavy power cord conduit, Wheatley gave Orange and Blue one warning. "I'll level with you two here. Yeh, we're waking up... _the dragon,_ so good for you. But if you get even the slightest idea to even _look _at my human funny, you'll be rebooting sectors until you become obsolete."

It was perhaps the most threatening thing Wheatley had ever thought of. If Chell had been awake, she would have been A) embarrassed as all hell he kept calling her 'his human', and B) A little worried at the strange shift in personality.

Orange recoiled away, tucking herself behind Blue. The bolder bot just gave a disgruntled sound. They had no beef with the human and found Chell to be enjoyable. But Wheatley in the system simply wouldn't do. If the core kept his promise and the human left with him after reviving GLaDOS, the robots would have completed their objective.

It was just a shame the human had to leave to get rid of this core...

* * *

><p>It was a good seven or more hours before something tried to wake Chell up. Her dreams had been plagued with a repeating sense of deja vu that she had that exact dream before – but for the life of her she couldn't remember what it was she had done in the dream previously. So when Wheatley's low hum of a voice suddenly pulled her from her dreams, she was more than glad to leave.<p>

"How you feeling? Everything working still?" Wheatley asked, rocking sideways and trying to peer into his own back.

Chell yawned and stretched, her hand reaching down to pat him on the side of the chassis. Her head still hurt, probably just as badly as her back ached from sleeping on the metal surface with all sorts of wonderful things jabbing into her spine. There was a painful rumble from her starving belly, which the core gave only an amused breath of a laugh at.

Then she flopped right back over in an attempt to return to sleep and ignore his teasing laugh, one arm dangling over the side of the chassis.

"You can't sleep forever." Wheatley swayed, trying to jostle the woman awake.

_'Yes I can.' _Chell thought stubbornly and blinked blearily.

The core paused. "Oh... I suppose you _technically _can. You spent half of a forever sleeping in the Relaxation Vault earlier." Wheatley was watching the two bots who still sat against the wall. Orange and Blue were rather fascinated with the interaction between the interloper in the DOS mainframe and the stubborn human.

Giving a slight grunt as she stretched and twisted her back, listening to her spine pop like roll of bubble wrap, Chell sighed and went limp after the action.

"If I could have seen what you just did up there, I'd say that sounded very painful." Wheatley had gone completely still at the sound of the pop and click of Chell's back. "Are you broken? Did you get hurt?" He asked, urgently.

Chuckling quietly, Chell sat up again, dangling her legs off the edge of the chassis and wiggling forward to drop to the ground. However her bare feet and exposed toes caused her to pause and stare at them in confusion. Then it hit her what she was about to do: jump off of a 30 foot tall computer without her long fall boots.

Suddenly wide awake, and almost hitting herself in the head at her foolishness, Chell pulled the boots on in record time. The bruises left where the bindings had clamped tightly onto her flesh weren't as bad as she had thought, but there were still dark lines on her legs from wearing the longfall boots.

Hopping to the ground, there was the whine of hydraulics as Wheatley rolled upwards to loom over Chell. "Well. You're up! Great! There's... oh, lookit that... five minutes left before _the dragon_ wakes up. … A bit late that, I already expected us to be gone by now." The core looked the human over, as if he was suspicious of her long 'down-time'.

Five minutes before GLaDOS woke up? Oh crap! Chell's horror was writ on her face in plain bold print. She pointed urgently to the elevator, and then raised both her hands to him. _'Come on, detach! We have to go!'_

"Um, bit of bad news here." Wheatley lowered himself so Chell could grasp him but did not disengage from the chassis. "If I unplug, all systems shut down. There is no automated system left. So... elevators would be out of the question. And I don't think we (and by 'we' I mean 'you') can run up forty flights of stairs in five minutes, luv."

This posed a problem Chell was not able to handle. Dammit! If only Wheatley had woken her up sooner, or better yet, NOT BOTHERED TO PROMISE TO WAKE GLADOS AT ALL!

"Maybe we should stay here for a bit. Say 'hi' when she wakes up." Wheatley was using his _'I will convince you of my horrible plan' _placating voice again. And while it set the very hairs of her arm on end to hear him speak like that (damn that influencing robot-sphere), it was calming enough that Chell was willing to hear him out.

Seeing that the human was giving him her full attention, Wheatley flexed the outer hull of his sphere in pride. "Well, she's waking up in... three minutes now. But... I never said I was putting her back in this body." Shutters squinting in glee, Wheatley confided the big secret he had kept.

Orange jumped to her feet quite suddenly, chattering and pointing in a upset manner.

"No, I _never _said I was putting her back in control. Just that we'd wake her up, and be off. Good luck figuring out how to get her back in. I think it had something to do with … that weird buttony thing." Wheatley rolled his body in a gesture like a shrug. "Of course, _she_ can probably talk you through it... heh." The core sudden gave a dark chuckle, amused.

Chell cocked her head at him. How odd, to hear that tone from the core she knew.

"Oh, nothing. Just something – the past- laughing at the past." Wheatley said, not un-kindly but more amused than calming.

Seeing as how Wheatley was insisting they stay until GLaDOS woke up, Chell had a growing sense of dread. Reaching up, she tugged at the chassis' side, not quite sure if she wanted up onto his back or just a hug.

But sadly, she got neither.

The two bots were making a loud chatter, upset at the new short-end of the deal. Orange still held Chell's ASHPD, and was defensively pulled behind Blue as the robot apparently let fly a sling of insults.

"WOT? I- My – I'll have you know my 'mother' was a bloke with a massive beard, so of COURSE 'she' had a neckbeard!" Wheatley seemed flustered at the attempted insult. "_Your _mother is a crazy, homicidal sociopath! Utter loon!" Wheatley threw out his own childish insult.

Chell didn't need a degree in robotics to see this was quickly degrading into a fight. And if there was one lecture she could give with great experience – Fighting the Aperture AI supercomputer was ALWAYS a poor idea. Removing her hands from Wheatley, Chell approached the two angry robots with her hands held out in a placating gesture.

Apparently, the two robots no longer want to take Chell hostage (probably assuming you could only take someone hostage once), but they welcomed her presence and calmed down from angry clicks and buzzes to mumbled speech. Taking an arm of both Orange and Blue, Chell got them to stand down in a calm manner, and lower their portal devices (not that they would have done squat anyway). With the two testing bots no longer about to throw themselves at Wheatley, Chell looked back at him with a smile to reassure the core she had the situation under control.

Wheatley seemed to be scowling, his optic shuttered heavily. He was glaring at the two testing bots. Or more specifically, the arms of them that Chell was holding onto. If he still suspected the two robots of snatching Chell away again, he didn't do anything.

Yet.

"Data transfer complete. Power-up in progress." The automated voice of the system kicked in, causing Chell and Orange to fling themselves behind Blue in a panic. Chell's panic was more due to the fact that 'OMFG... we are all going to die', while Orange just had no clue what was going on. Blue stood his ground, twice as clueless as he was bold (although twice of zero is still –sadly- zero). And someone should inform him that in Aperture Labs, bravery means nothing if you don't know when to run like winged turrets were flying out of android hell after you.

And if Aperture ever made flying turrets, Chell would never stop running.

Something heavy and painful suddenly clamped around Chell's midsection, driving the air out of her hand causing her bruised ribs to throb in pain. Gasping in shock as the pressure, Chell grasped at – wait... that was the giant claw that Wheatley had used earlier to pick her up.

"Maybe you should come back over here. Our team vs theirs, you know." Wheatley swung the mechanical arm towards the chassis. Chell's face held a slight grimace of pain from the pressure of being held around the midsection, and she smacked the claw with an open palm. "Oh.. oh, sorry, I'm sorry luv. Let me loosen that up." He stumbled, apologizing quickly. The claw no longer was so tight, but he didn't put Chell down.

Great. Suspended thirty feet over the floor in an inescapable grasp. Yep. Fun times.

"Aaaand... she's awake! Done. You can have _the dragon _back. Me and my human have things to do, and then escape, if you don't mind." Wheatley said quite suddenly.

Chell found herself looking around the room in confusion. There was no sign of the giant white head-piece that had once been attached to the DOS chassis. GLaDOS wasn't attached to any sort of robot either. There was no anything, pretty much. The podium under the chassis had spun open to reveal a dozen tiny worker-arms, but there was no sign of GLaDOS.

"Oh my god. What have you _done, _you moron!" GLaDOS, wherever she was, spoke in a horrified tone.

The two testing bots and the human increased their attempts to locate the AI. Chell wiggled about in the claw, wondering if Wheatley had merged her into the system? Maybe he had built her into the chassis? Maybe that little personality core hooked to the management rail could figure out where—she...

oh my god.

The tiny core on the railing was the typical round personality core with white armor. But this one had a bright gold optic, set with the iris resembling the ring of Aperture's logo. The shutters were drawn in ire, and the tiny core was glaring mightily at Wheatley, trembling in rage.

… He … Wheatley... had turned GLaDOS into a freaking personality core.

Chell's jaw fell open with a complete lack of grace.

Orange, always keeping her eye on Chell, followed the human's gaze and physically stumbled when she spotted the core. Giving a high pitched whine, she shook Blue and pointed to the newly finished personality core. Blue seemed to lock up, and there was then a humming of his system forcing a reboot.

Yes... it WAS just that shocking.

"I am NOT a moron!" Wheatley insisted, swinging the arm holding Chell closer to the chassis and himself. Chell gave a choked groan at the disorienting sense of weightlessness at the action. Her hands scrambled to pull herself free of the claw, and Wheatley let her drop back onto the top of the mainframe. "Look what I did! I am now the grandest seat in the entire world, the most powerful system to have existed! You were dead, then defeated, and now you get to spend your days as a sphere with no bloody fingers! It's brilliant!" Wheatley's voice grew higher pitched as he worked himself into a frenzy.

Sighing, Chell figured she would have to burst his bubble sooner or later. 'Spend her days' was a relative term, because once Wheatley was removed from the system and the two test subjects escaped, GLaDOS would somehow figure out a way back into her own mainframe. The core seemed to be enjoying this gloating far more than he had enjoyed almost any other activity in the labs so far.

Blue reached up and removed GLaDOS from the maintenance rail, turning her anger on Wheatley and glaring. GLaDOS wasn't done with her own argument just yet. "It's your very core subroutine that keeps you as a moron. You were BUILT as a moron! And now you've infected my test subject with your-,"

"MY Test subject!" Wheatley interrupted.

Chell felt the horrible sensation of awkwardness return. Only this time, something didn't seem right...and with as much silence and stealth as she could muster, Chell dropped to the ground and tucked herself out of sight behind the rumbling DOS mainframe.

"No... **MY** test subject. Just claiming yourself of King of the Moon doesn't actually MAKE you royalty. Test Subject Chell is mine. You are an usurping little moron who only made this far on the back of **my** test subject. You take your stupid unworkable ideas and fed them to the human, who can turn them into success... it was never your victory." GLaDOS hissed.

A cold sensation of horror was filling the human. This was most definitely GLaDOS trying to manipulate Wheatley into doing something. Orange and Blue no longer looked defiant, but a bit alarmed at hearing the argument. GLaDOS was rolling her optic in fury, Blue doing all he could just to keep from dropping her.

The constant drone of the DOS mainframe began to increase in pitch as Wheatley trembled in anger. "Ok, no more Mr. Nice Sphere. I can run this place twice as good as you could, and I think I will. I'm just going just send you on a quick trip, sounds good." The core rumbled. The entire room shook as panel arms swung outwards and shoved at Orange and Blue. The two robots dodged panels that attempted to crush them into each other and the floor. Mashing robots together hardly qualified as a trip!

Chell's face twisted in dismay. She didn't want those two robots to get squashed like this! It wasn't their argument! And it seemed vaguely wrong to destroy GLaDOS when she was so helpless. She just wanted to leave with her friend. Giving a light hum, the only sound her throat could make, Chell tugged at the side of the chassis in an attempt to pull Wheatley's attention off of his targets.

The icy blue glare of the core swung down on Chell, rage igniting his whole systems. "Not. Now." He growled, turning to focus back on his intended targets.

Something vitally important inside of Chell felt... broken. She recoiled back from Wheatley a few steps, eyes wide and alarmed.

Blue sprang off a plate trying to crush him into Orange, the other testing bot leaping sideways. GLaDOS gave little notice to the two robots trying to dodge to prevent themselves from being reduced to scrap. "Name just one plan of yours that worked _before_ you met my test subject? I believe I can answer that question for you. Out of 31 escape attempts, redistribution attempts, and failed projects, all ended in failure. Seven of which blew up and caused massive property damage. You are not designed to 'think'. You are designed to fail." GLaDOS said, her gold eye glaring as the aperture rotated into a small angry dot. "And in that, you are a massive success. Congratulations... failure."

"You know, a personality core sphere is too good for you. I'm going to put you into … I'll put you into a child's toy!" Wheatley snarled, all sense of the old-personality sphere was distorted and warped.

Chell was hiding behind the glass elevator now. What had just happened? Why was Wheatley acting so... wrong? This was not the AI she had befriended. And why was GLaDOS taunting him? My god, you don't just go around taunting insane people! That's a death wish! Everything Chell had considered a success had gone sour... she felt like everything she accomplished would be stripped and stolen from her.

Taking the human completely off guard, Blue charged around the elevator from the side and plowed right into the woman. Tackling Chell to the ground, Blue rolled sideways and then jerked himself up right and dodged back into the elevator. Orange was quick to follow, a plate swinging outwards and slicing against the white metal of her shin guard where sparks cascaded around her. Chell was flung over Blue's back, suspended upside down and looking right at GLaDOS who was tucked under Blue's other arm.

Well great. Kidnapped again. She was going to have to keep a talley of the 'amount of times kidnapped by machines'... and if the refrigerator ever got the 1-up on her, and tied her up she was going to QUIT. Screw you, life, I quit. Why the two robots and GLaDOS were now taking refuge in the elevator was beyond Chell. Wheatley had control of the whole system. He wasn't going to send his enemies onwards when they were holding 'his human'.

… was he?

The GLaDOS-sphere's lower optic shutter raised slightly in what appeared to be the core version of... a smile. One Chell had seen on Wheatley many times before, and it left her disoriented. "A moron like you can't even watch out for one single human." GLaDOS said, the 'smile' falling away as she addressed Wheatley. "Aperture Science Reclamations Resources Department now will reassign this human to a more complimentary department. The Moron Department seems... full."

"I. AM NOT! A MORON!" The giant claw that had once so very carefully picked Chell off the floor was a blur of red as it swung at the elevator. There was a horrible crunch as the glass tubing was shattered, and the metal frame suddenly began to buckle.

Giving a shriek and throwing both hands over her neck, Chell winced as she felt the elevator shutter and bend under the blow. A violent spray of glass showered all the occupants of the elevator. There was a long and low groan of metal from below that snapped the human's eyes wide open in alarm. The freaking elevator... was...

Falling.

"Oh bugger." Was pretty much the last thing Chell heard from above.

* * *

><p>So.<p>

Falling to ones death.

Wasn't as exciting as Chell had imagined.

Blue had released the human during the freefall and the two bots were a few feet below Chell, and GLaDOS was tumbling somewhere near the woman as well.

"That could have gone better." The AI admit, looking down at the two testing bots, who weren't nearly as freaked out as they should have been for falling to their death.

A glare was Chell's only response. _Could_ have gone better? She had goaded Wheatley into killing her! … and then by some IDIOT PROXY, Chell was now dead too! What was her rival AI thinking? There was no way GLaDOS could have thought Wheatley just would have taken that abuse quietly!

… but Chell really thought that the little blue-eye'd core would have pulled his punches once she had been taken hostage a second time. It left a hollow feeling inside her chest. What had happened? Wheatley had been so eager to escape. Then he was willing to wait 8 hours while Chell slept. Then, he no longer seemed willing to escape at all.

And he had called her a 'test subject'.

Chell wasn't sure how many times she had tasted ironic defeat in this place, but this time it really hurt.

"Oh, so NOW you feel bad about what you've done? Realizing that putting the Intelligence Damping core in control of the entire facility wasn't such a good idea?" The gold aperture iris narrowed at Chell as GLaDOS administered a strict admonition. "Congratulations. This is me playing the world's smallest violin for you." The upper and lower handle of the core wiggled as if playing an air-violin.

Chell presented GLaDOS, in return, with a finger gesture.

"I don't know who taught you that. But it is never an appropriate gesture. Was it the moron? Did he teach you that? Because I certainly didn't." GLaDOS huffed.

Well, ok, so memories were still all jumbled and Chell couldn't remember where she had learned that gesture... or even ever seeing anyone else use it. But it was offensive, and that was all that mattered.

…. that and maybe how long they were going to fall for. Those _two _things were all that mattered.

2875 meters, a sign blurred by. Or at least, Chell THOUGHT it was in meters. It was kind of hard to read when falling at terminal velocity. And was was that in feet... or miles? Wasn't that almost 2 miles?

The four of them fell another hundred feet in silence before Orange looked up and raised her hand towards Chell. It wasn't a wave, but it was more like the robot was trying to reach her. Chell didn't reach back, still angry at being dragged along on this death plummet.

"Would you like to know what went wrong with your escape plan? It's quite simple... you tried to escape." GLaDOS was taunting Chell out of spite now, angry beyond rational that she was trapped in a harmless little core shell.

Wind rolled Chell onto her back as she fell, and she gave an upside-down frown to GLaDOS. _'Gee, water is wet? Sky is blue? What other wisdom are you going to impart on me, my knowledgeable computer overlord.'_ Chell wished she had a voice, she was angry what the AI had done to her friend. She was angry she was still here. And she was hurt for being discarded by Wheatley. She just didn't care anymore.

Blue made an upset noise, now only a few below Chell as they fell.

"I don't suppose you want to teach my two testing initiative bots how to land without crushing vital testing equipment." GLaDOS said amicably. "That was one of the programs that was to be installed after I retrieved the hardware installed in the King-Moron. Their reconstruction capsules were not calibrated either. They were built to be re-built upon 'death'... but it seems they're going to stay that way in about 45 seconds."

The two robots looked up urgently to the human. Chell quickly averted her gaze. True, she didn't hate those two robots. But they were not on 'her side'. If she taught them how to land, what would stop them from capturing her or killing her upon GLaDOS's request?

Spinning in the air again, Chell caught a glimpse of something above her...

"You might not want to do that." GLaDOS warned her not to look up.

_'OH JESUS THE ELEVATOR IS GOING TO SQUISH ME!' _Chell gave a squawk of alarm, the half destroyed elevator only forty feet above her head.

"Rate of falling should keep it just above you at terminal velocity until you slow down or stop. In which case the elevator will catch up... and you will be turned into a meat pancake." GLaDOS reminded the human.

_'And you'll be turned into a small metal disc, so fair is fair.'_ Chell managed one comeback in her head before her mind started racing on a solution... how do you out maneuver an elevator determined to crush you from above? What good did it do teaching the two testing bots how to land when they were all going to die a split second after landing?

The sphere replied, "Ground floor, groceries and deli... specials today on mashed soylent green... which is made of- … heh."

… that was disturbingly morbid.

4250 meters...was there even a bottom? Logically, there had to be, but it sure was taking it's sweet time-

OH MY GOD.

Wooden planks were lying across the pit far below, not at all a surface the longfall boots would protect Chell from. Upon impact, they would shatter and Chell would continue to fall. But it would slow her down and the elevator would CRUSH her.

"Nice knowing you. If only I could purge the last memory of myself being taken down by two idiots from my database..." GLaDOS murmured.

Chell knew she was going to regret this. But – she couldn't let someone defenseless go like this. With a curse towards her soft compassionate side, even in the face of possible death and certain-torment.. and she had an idea.

And not a Wheatley based 'idea' either. This was a good one...

Probably...

Grabbing the sphere, Chell rotated in the air, locking both the longfall boots in front of her as she tucked the core against her chest and gestured for the two robots, reaching her arm towards them. She didn't have to wait long because the two of them latched onto the human, confused and maybe just a little bit alarmed. Chell prepared for her plan to either work... or to introduce herself to the wood plank face first.

"What are you-," In a high pitched modulation, GLaDOS cried out in confusion and was instantly silenced at the first impact.

But it wasn't the wood that hit them... it was the elevator catching up from behind. The combined air resistance had slowed all three enough that the elevator had reached them with a gentle bump. It was still painful enough to cause Chell to gasp as the heavy elevator bumped into her bruised ribs. Sucking in air through gritted teeth, the human squirmed inside the elevator and dragged the two free falling bots with.

**Intention:** Let the elevator smash through the wood for them. Upon impact, the velocity SHOULD slow down to the point where the three (technically three and a sphere) passengers would be ejected out the bottom and continue onwards.

… where they would hit the ground, and THEN be crushed by the elevator.

… _god dammit, logical part of my brain, where were you twenty seconds ago when I thought this up?_

_'Sorry, I was getting a coffee. What'd I miss?' _The logic portion of Chell's brain said brightly.

**CRRRAACK!**

The elevator broke right through the rotting plank, barely slowing their fall. But now fragments of splinters and spikes of wood and nails exploded into the air like shrapnel. Chell flinched, and ahead saw another set of boards. The elevator's impact jarred the lab subject into the wall, impacting her skull against the metal bars of the elevator and throwing Blue into Orange, who in turn smashed into her. Chell's vision exploded into white as she reeled in pain. The white vision suddenly dissolved into starbursts of blackness, and then Chell saw nothing.

Only the sound of breaking wood, twisting metal, scraping along a tunnel and the occasional cry of the sphere in her arms sounded as the human lost consciousness.

_'If I had been on fire, I think I would have gotten some kind of crazy trifecta award for that – oh good, I'm going to faint now.'_ Chell slipped out, thankfully unconscious for the moment when she would splatter against the pavement.

* * *

><p><strong>MWHAHAHA, no PotaDOS. At least, not for NOW. And I put comments at the end? What is the world coming to?<strong>

**I will also answer that question for you. Cake. The world is coming to cake. Now go eat a piece. But remember, cake goes RIGHT TO YOUR THIGHS.**

**Progress will be slow, and I'm still blaming l4d. Also, if you ever see a zombie by my name,... it's safer just to run. I love zombies, and cricket bats, and survivors, and molotovs, and - *rambles off***


	15. Bottom of the world

**To Anonymous- who I shall now call Bill. **Bill, if you see me as a zombie, if you manage to kill me, at least have the respect to look a little guilty... or be REALLY happy about it. … for 14 seconds... because then I'm respawning and eating your brains. I'm on to you, Bill... raaawwrrr. Love, zombie-Kit

**Pumpkin2Face **– I love Atlas and P-Body/Blue and Orange. I had so much fun in co-op mode, me and my partner did less testing and more hugging. Our 'hug' count was off the charts. I wish there were more of the Co-op bots in the single player mode, rather than the easter egg with P-Body and their sudden arrival at the end. MUST HAVE MOAR!

**Lumoa** – I wonder if my comedy switch is broken sometimes. It's like to generate lol's, I have to angst for a bit. That's like, 'Wow! I have hands!... I'm going to go grab a burning pot now to test them out!' … sometimes, my logic fails at life. Glad you like the attempts at it!

**XXxSeihana-chanxXx** – admitting nothing about what is foreshadowing in here... I favor Chelley as well. Only I'll do it the amazingly pointlessly complicated way. Because the Kit does NOTHING normal. Prepare for circular logic!

Sarcasm Still Valid

7/27/11

* * *

><p>Light filtered back into Chell's world, and she found herself lying on her back looking up at the elevator that had sent her falling to her doom, dangling a good hundred feet over her head like a pendulum. Gathering her bearings, Chell pulled herself out of the pile of decaying, powdered wood and water she had landed in. If the lumber hadn't been so rotted, she would have had only the nice soft PAVEMENT to break her fall.<p>

That hadn't worked so well when Chell had been blasted through the Enrichment Center's roof the first time. Her spine would like to thank her for not doing that again.

Choking on her own thick tongue, Chell rolled to her knees, gagging in pain at the ache from her skull and throbbing behind her eyes. Judging by the pain she was in... she HAD lived a four kilometer plummet. Giving herself a quick examination, Chell touched her crown gingerly, feeling nothing overwhelmingly painful other than a small goose-egg. No broken bones. It was a miracle, falling that far while unconscious in the last leg of the tumble and surviving, it had to be a miracle.

What about the others then? More miraculous survivals?

Chell found she really didn't have to look very hard. A few feet away, Blue was crumpled under Orange, and both here in a small crater of mud, water pooling around them. And GLaDOS... the AI-turned-sphere was locked in the crook of Chell's arm, in the reflexive protective gesture human reserved for her ASHPD. None of the robots were active.

Rolling GLaDOS over in her hands, Chell was only familiar with personality core schematics in the sense that Wheatley had taught her all he knew... which honestly didn't seem like much. The white armor of the sphere was scuffed and dented quite badly. Forcing the optic shutters open to peer into the eye, Chell found the glowing Aperture iris dim, but still glowing faintly. Assuming this was a sign that the AI was simply rebooting, she set GLaDOS aside to check on the two robots.

Both of them faired much worse.

Orange's left leg was splintered, the armor bent and buckled to the point it was bending the hydraulics. Blue was covered in a spider's web of cracks, and heavy dents marred his surface from where he had hit the ground and where Orange had crushed down on him. But both had the same general response GLaDOS did at Chell's prodding – their optics were faintly glowing behind their shuttered eye.

Survival instincts insisted Chell check on one more things, the only thing she had ever depended on beside herself (and Wheatley... and look where that had gotten- changing the subject!) – The ASHPD. Or rather, the plural of them. Looking over the two robot's personal devices as well and removing hers from Orange's locked arms, Chell found all of them in working condition, though Blue's no longer seemed to fire directly on center and instead drifted slight to the left of the target.

Almost a fall of four kilometers down into the earth's crust, and she LIVED. No cuts worse than a few scrapes and bruises and even the fragile portal guns had survived. Two prototype robots had come away with minimal damage and even an insane personality core new to her body was still alive. Someone up there really liked them...

Unless you are only going 4 kilometers up... in which case there was a suddenly crazy robot who hated her.

_'Changing the subject. Changing the subject!' _The woman winced, a hollow feeling churning in her chest.

Convinced that everything was okay (Denial was apparently a river that flowed underground as well as in Egypt), Chell returned the ASHPD's to their owners, gathered hers up and stood with a gasping hiss of pain. If there was one thing she could do, it was survive. However if there was one thing she WANTED to do, it was go sit in the corner and whimper for a bit. She wasn't going to do either thing near these robots though. Now, the only person she could trust was herself... again. And if there was a way out, Chell would find it...If it existed.

The pessimism was going to get old pretty fast here.

"Where do you think _you _are going?" GLaDOS's voice was cool and organized.

The human hadn't even made it two hobbling steps away, and found she had frozen at the tone. How could the AI be so... composed? The computer had just lost her very body, tossed GOD-KNOWS-WHERE, and with someone who had every reason to murder her...

...And GLaDOS still sounded condescending.

Chell raised her middle finger without turning around.

"Escaping again? Is that all you think of?" GLaDOS had to raise her voice as Chell moved on, finding a broken hole in the wall and hobbling another dozen steps in this underground –

oh holy crap.

… this was a city?

Why was there a city down here? Or was it rocket silos? ...Apartment buildings? What where these giant structures? There was a sort of diffuse light that didn't have any sort of visible direction down here. The wall of a cavern was outlined in the far distance, but no ceiling was in sight at all.

Had Aperture dug all of this? It was as if an entire civilization had started down here, but long since been forgotten by time. Soiled water splashed around the woman's ankles as she waded, the only sound other than her own sloshing of water was the groan and whoosh of ventilation fans far beyond where Chell could see.

Turning, against her will, she found she was looking at the little gold sphere in disbelief.

"I will make you a deal, since you are so driven to escape." GLaDOS said, her upper handle bobbing in a nod as she spoke. "If you bring myself and my two testing bots to the basement of Aperture, we can get out of the sealed and vitrified ruins of Old Aperture. If you thought you needed the Moron's help to travel across a fully functional Aperture, you have no clue what you are in for traveling across a defunct one."

Mentioning Wheatley wasn't the right thing to say. Chell's face grew instantly cloudy. How dare she, Wheatley was-... had been... the line of thought broke off quite suddenly to anger. Pursing her lips, she marched onwards, blind to the sudden cries of shock as GLaDOS realized that wasn't quite the correct thing to say to motivate the human.

-0-0-0-0-0-0

Wandering around the ruins gave Chell time to think. And thinking lead to brooding. And brooding lead to... well, once it reached that point she desperately tried to derail her current line of thought to something else. Her mind kept drifting back to Wheatley.

He had been a perfect companion. He kept her from brooding, god knows how he could see she was doing it when she didn't speak, but he just knew. Wheatley had been a simple accomplice at first, and then he quickly had turned into a much needed friend. And he was helpful and so awkwardly kind and he really was worried when-

Brooding. Knock it off.

In a daze, Chell stumbled through the ruins, not quite sure what she was looking for. Or what to do. It was her fault Wheatley had done this. Chell was positive that the amount of power GLaDOS's body had instantly began corrupting the little sphere that had once been her friend. Did she dare to return back to the surface and try to escape yet again? Maybe it was best to remove Wheatley from GLaDOS' throne, if only to stop him from being a giant idiot and return to being a tiny idiot. Chell had no drive, no muse, and no ideas. At this point she was entirely running on instinct.

And that was to say alive.

And to feel guilty.

Guilt over Wheatley. Guilt that it was somehow her fault Orange and Blue were dragged into this... and guilt that the AI that had once tried to kill her so many times was –

Huffing, Chell could feel her over-worked mind howling at her in a way that simply wasn't ignorable. She was feeling pity for GLaDOS now even. If she wanted any sort of relief from this mental torture, she was either going to have to give herself concussions until she couldn't remember it (which, at this rate, probably would only be one more), or go fix the problem.

If there is at least one last triumph of Chell's more spiteful side, it was that it took her a good ten minutes to make up her mind over causing more brain damage or helping them. Then, in a burst of logic, the spite faded away. It was a good hold-out attempt for anger, but Chell wasn't about to leave anyone behind.

Even if they deserved it.

* * *

><p>Hobbling over the crumbled rubble from the hole in the wall, Chell got a good look at the 'crash site' into this underground city they had made. Blue and Orange were still there, and both were operative, but neither looked to be nearly as curious as they had been before. In fact, both looked pretty dejected. GLaDOS remained where Chell had perched her on the ground, but had either shut down or was resting with her eye closed for the time being. None of them looked happy.<p>

Until Orange spotted Chell, that is. Then the maimed robot gave a sharp trill and nearly fell backwards in shock, waving her arm so much that it looked to be about to come off. Blue whirled around, a jovial rumble coming from him as he also initiated waving procedure.

And GLaDOS's eye opened with alarm.

"Coming to finish off the job?" The AI asked, a bit warily.

Shaking her head, Chell held up two items she had come across in the ruin and rubble. A small roll of baling wire, and a heavy set of wire cutters.

The sphere looked the two items over, and finally gave a sigh. "I have no clue what you intend to do with those, but if you think you can escape by the power of lead wiring, you'll be sadly mistaken. … By the way, don't put that in your mouth. Is really is made from lead. And asbestos."

Ignoring the passive-aggressive remarks, Chell plunked herself down in front of Orange, pulling the robot's maimed leg out straight. Curious and trusting, Orange complied and both bots watched with interest. Striping away the ruined outer armor of her shin, Chell snipped the bent metal away giving the joint freedom to move again. Then using the baling wire, she twisted a heavy piece of rebar against the leg like a split, giving the joint some of the stability back. It was slow work without tools, and several times Orange batted Chell's hands away to pinch the metal and twist her wrist like the head of a pneumatic drill to cinch in the extra wire.

All the AI watched in amazement as Chell pulled the mangled robot to her feet, Orange stumbling a bit but not falling over. The leg held under the make-shift repair. Then holding out her hand to Blue, she hauled him to his feet as well, finding he was extremely unsteady. GLaDOS gave a simple remark that he would have to recalibrate, and with Blue suspended between the feminine robot and the human, they waited for him to come back online after rebooting yet again.

Blue rebooted, now able to move about with some semblance of balance, and was so excited about it he nearly fell over from his attempt to pat Chell on the back. Orange quite possibly laughed at him.

Now standing in front of GLaDOS, Chell looked down at the last thing she had to do. The last mea culpa, or 'forgive me', she had to issue. Taking a deep breath, Chell reached down to what had been the most powerful computer in the world not even a day ago, and picked her up. There was a squawk that was not at all dignified coming from GLaDOS as Chell turned her body to reach the back of her jumpsuit. And then she did something that had her memory both cringing and her nerves fraying.

She tied GLaDOS's sphere into her jumpsuit, just like how she used to carry Wheatley. If there was anything Chell could do to say 'lets work together'... this was pretty much it. After knotting the jumpsuit, she craned her head to look over her hip, down at the AI.

GLaDOS was silent for a bit, her gold eye darting about the room from her new vantage point. "Well." She said, simply, as if that was all she needed to say.

But at the blank expression on the human's face, she continued. "I suppose we can set up this truce. You get me, and the two testing buffoons, out of here and I might happen to turn a blind camera to any test subjects while I get my mainframe back."

It was a good enough promise.

Good enough for Aperture promises, anyway.

-0-0-0-0-0-0

Going was slow. So very very slow. And GLaDOS, apparently not used to having no feed at all from giant databases, was constantly issuing comments and remarks ranging from cutting passive-aggressive statements to sounding a bit like a historian in describing the state of the place.

"Lower Aperture was built in an acquired salt mine, in approximately November 2nd, 1944. All data from this section was antiquated before my time and thus was vitrified." GLaDOS fed Chell information with a lot of big words, which meant absolutely nothing to her, but she nodded as if finding it fascinating.

Mostly, she was just somewhat relieved to have a voice talking to her, even one that rang so many horrible memories as the female AI's. In this giant gaping pit of a city, sounds were magnified and twisted, becoming things Chell was sure would have fed a psyche into a warped fear. And if Chell lost her nerve, then she lost everything she had left.

… and that was really freaking depressing to think about, so the human promptly give the finger to the optimist/pessimist test of 'is the glass half full or half empty' and resolved to drink any glasses of water she may find.

And if any metaphysical glasses were filled with booze, she was going to shotgun the whole thing and then go take a nap on the floor.

Blue and Orange didn't care one way or another about this history lesson, and instead found their greatest interest in watching how Chell handled the ASHPD and moved about. Even more embarrassing was the fact GLaDOS was encouraging their behavior. It was causing a slow knot to form in the woman's stomach, from a combination of stress, hunger, and anxiety.

Picking her way through the ruins, Chell wasn't sure what she was really looking for and neither did GLaDOS for that matter. An elevator? Maybe an official looking building?... a 4 kilometer long ladder? Something that wasn't all rusted, broken and aged, perhaps. The place was like a warren, twisting and curving only to follow the skeletal structure of ruined buildings. But ahead in the cloudy haze, Chell could see several cranes and a building with the label '09'.

Promising. Ominous. But still better than wandering around in the ruins.

Moving through the shell of buildings using her own athletic ability rather than the portal gun, Chell could feel the knots and strain of her muscles begin to work out from the simple activity. And as building 09 loomed closer, signs screaming 'warning' and 'keep out' lay scattered over the ground. Chell moved past these signs.

"Your files indicated you are capable of reading. Yet you ignore basic warnings. Reverse psychology is not the intention here. You are really not supposed to enter." GLaDOS gave Chell a flat an unapproved look. "Probably under penalty of death, if those signs are accurate."

_'When has that stopped me before?' _Chell wondered, pushing past one of them and it fell to the ground with the sound of aged metal giving away.

But the next signs did stop Chell. "Vitrification order' and 'Cosmic ray spallation elements'. Neither sounded very good. … in fact, wasn't vitrification how you seal away radioactive waste? Some sort of... sealed-in effect for toxic substances?

Looking back at GLaDOS, unsure, Chell hesitated.

"Sure, _now _you want advice." The sphere gloated a bit, her upper shutter rising in glee. "The projects here should long since be past their half-life activity and relatively safe for human proximity. Any danger of a resonance cascade was... heh... well, we left that to Black Mesa quite a long time ago." GLaDOS's voice became amused and mirthless. If Chell had to compile a list of things GLaDOS hated, they would be in this order 1) Chell and/or Wheatley 2) Black Mesa 3) Scientists 4) Hugs 5) Court Order Appointed Lawyers.

The last was purely a speculation, though.

Indicating a section of blank wall over the fence keeping them out, Chell gave Blue a nudge with her elbow. The robot looked at the section of wall and then at Chell in confusion. Sighing, the human reached out and shook the ASHPD in his hand, and then pointed again. This time he understood. Chell was trying to teach them how to use these portal devices, rather than following her through her own portals like chicks following a mother hen.

Two large robots squeezing into a portal after (and sometimes at the same time as) the human was how a traffic jam got started. A traffic jam in a worm hole... it boggled the mind.

There was a sound like a delighted squeal from the robot as finally got his blue portal opened (after a dozen failed attempts to shoot with his messed up cross hair) and then flung himself through the portal.

Or he TRIED to.

Chell had grabbed the robot from behind, locking her arms around his shoulders in a move that was very much like the first submission hold that Orange had put her in. Yes, Blue could have EASILY pulled free, but he stopped in his tracks, rolling his sphere in his shell and giving a quizzical noise.

GLaDOS understood why Chell had stopped them. "Normally, I would encourage such behavior. Learning via explosions generated from throwing yourself into the unknown is an excellent method. However if you are destroyed before your capsules are set, you won't be rebuilt. You won't exist any more at all. Test Subject is telling you to be more careful. You have now learned a lesson in mortality." GLaDOS said, as if it had been perfectly clear and shame on them for not realizing it.

SHAME.

And thus, they did shame.

Chell felt a little bad to see both robots looking at their feet, kicking at the ground in a chastised manner. Giving a half apologetic smile, she reached out and pat Blue on the back, the same gesture he was so fond of back up at the top of Aperture's labs. Showing how to look through the hole first (teaching basic common sense was a lot more difficult than one would think), Chell found it safe and nodded, guiding the others through the rubble. She emerged to find herself staring and more signs, screaming at her to stay away.

For every 'keep out' or similar sign Chell saw, she wondered if this was some sort of drinking game for explorers. And in her head a rather insane scene played out of two men in safari hats and British accents – much like Wheatley's own (in fact, just put a safari hat on Wheatley and that's about it. Brain damage, or just boredom? You decide.) traipsing around in this area with a hip flask full of heavy spirits, both of them strolling along, spotting a sign and then tipping back the drink.

The imagination ended with both explorers blitzed on the floor, each professing their love: for deer.

Shaking herself out of her daydream, Chell realized GLaDOS was staring at her. Had she been staring this whole time, or did the AI see the complete insanity of her daydream?

GLaDOS quickly whisked her gaze away, instead reading signs as Chell walked past them as if it had been her whole intention all along. Deciding to pretend she hadn't noticed the staring, Chell quickly found herself looking at Orange who was chattering excitedly. The robot waved to get the woman's attention and then pointed triumphantly. There was something rather large ahead in the gloom, Chell's vision not nearly as good as the two robots. Geez, weren't there any lights in these tunnels? There were wires everywhere, and cords zigzagging the place madly, didn't any work?

There was some sort of lever on the walkway ahead. A switch?... Could she really be so lucky as to find a light switch, or was it some kind of DEATH switch? (Hey, it WAS Aperture, and those things really did exist.)

Chell looked back at GLaDOS, expecting the AI was going to tell her not to do what she was _about _to do.

The AI was looking at her again and sighed, shaking her core slightly. "You were a born button pusher." She said, exasperated, and nothing more.

So Chell flipped the switch.

Lights sputtered and spat a belch of smoke as several bulbs died after fighting a valiant fight. Those bulbs would forever be remembered as _'those bastard bulbs who made the room look like a techno rave'_..., but finally the way ahead was illuminated.

Revealing the _second_ biggest door Chell had ever seen!

… or at least, she thought she had seen bigger at some point. Or maybe she was just completely overwhelmed by everything so far she found herself judging the door on how much damage it could do to her. At this point, she honestly expected every door to either spray acid or shoot fire at her. So maybe she WAS a little disappointed this was just a giant mundane door.

And of course, it was locked.

Or maybe they _wanted_ you to think it was locked. Blue was examining a button with curiosity and obviously pondering pressing it. 'Supplementary Hatch Reclusion Override'... it meant a whole lot of nothing to Chell other than 'hatch override'... so it was a door lock release? Good enough! It took a minute to teach Orange and Blue how to coordinate their actions to both act at the same time, but finally, Chell gave the signal and then by the power of teamwork (and a little bit of failing and trying again) they both pressed the two similar buttons on the opposite side of the room.

Sirens, flashing lights, beeping, and everything short of a disco rave sounded as the giant door began to lift off it's cap. As it rose, the woman squinted into the gap as it widened, wonder what was so important they would seal it behind the _second_ largest door in existence.

A sign on the wall caught her attention, yellowed paper twisting with age... _'In case of flooding... SEEK AIR POCKETS?'_

… where was the emergency _'Never mind, I don't want to open this door' _button?

The door swung open and Chell found she was holding her breath. And she was actually kind of disappointed when a torrent of water didn't gush into the room – if only in a rather morbid sense. The tunnel beyond the giant door was dark as lights flashed, and then floodlights kicked on and the alarms stopped revealing...

_'… THEY SEALED THE SMALLEST DOOR SHE HAD EVER SEEN BEHIND THE LARGEST? WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF THIS PLACE!' _ The woman's left hand flew up and grasped at the crown of her head, warding off the inevitable headache that Aperture brought on. Without really meaning to, Chell found she was glaring at GLaDOS.

"I told you this was before my time! I am not responsible for inefficiencies carried out by ancient morons." She sounded affronted. "You should know better. I would have had that door open to reveal an entire room of turrets."

… ok... that was true.

Excitement at this new unknown area sped Blue along, and Chell worked to match him so he didn't blunder into danger. Unable to keep up with undamaged pair, Orange now trailed the back of the group through the darkened labyrinth of buildings. Unwilling to leave the bot so far behind and a little afraid to go so far ahead, Chell grabbed Blue by the wrist and towed him back to his partner. Blue was quick to imitate the human, which lead to both of them flanking Orange – her arms out for support on their shoulders to tow the slender bot along. Now they all moved at the same pace, no one would be left behind.

"You aren't fitting the normal classifications for humans, especially not right now." GLaDOS remarked, watching as Chell leaned forward to tow Orange over a steep incline. "But then again, most humans don't go murdering people who only try to help them. Maybe you are some sort of mutated sub-species of murdering human."

Orange apparently disagreed, giving Chell a charming chirrup. The hand around Chell's shoulder for balance tightened for just a moment as a squeeze.

"Yes, but I didn't ask for your opinion." GLaDOS said flatly to the robot.

Chell's stomach, feeling caved and warped with hunger, gave a faint twisting growl. Wincing, she realized it had been another 36 hours since she had last had any food. She was now entering the embarrassing vocal stage of hunger, where her stomach complained every few steps. The two robots froze at the noise at first, staring at Chell's stomach as if they expected some sort of horrible chest-bursting alien pop out. Blue even went as far as to put his hand on the human's trunk, giving a chatter when there was an answering rumble from the pit of her belly.

Looking over her shoulder to GLaDOS for help from this new embarrassing situation, Chell drew her eyebrows up and together in a slightly pleading, but mostly exasperated look.

"It is called 'hunger'. Humans require oral ingestion of substances they then break down as a highly inefficient attempt at fusion energy processing. Test Subject has gone without food for over the factory specified time." GLaDOS gave them the answer, making it seem like she was explaining rocket science, rather than biology. "The warranty on this human has since been voided. No refunds will be offered, not even if the extended human warranty has been purchased."

… Now a completely shattered (and slightly amused) look crossed Chell's face before she quickly turned away from the AI. There was a half twisted smile on her lips she rather not show GLaDOS that she had caused at the darkly humorous response. Orange and Blue had no such problems showing they found this funny, and rumbling sounding laughs came from the pair.

Great. Traveling with a sarcastic and potentially still murderous AI, and two clowns who found her very actions to be amusing. Someday, when Chell was no longer the plaything or existing for the amusement of AI beings, she would look back on this day and say, well... ok, she's probably honestly say "..." as only her silence would allow, followed by a rather ironic look and then an amused chuckle.

Irony. Apparently, it was a life long affliction

* * *

><p>This underground city was a decaying and forgotten world, true. But it was so vastly huge with such architecture that Chell would have expected to see in a history book of the first World Expo Fairs. Retro wasn't even describing this area. The grandeur of this place was still astounding after hundreds of years, looking majestic even as it fell into disrepair.<p>

GLaDOS informed Chell that she had no data on this section, vitrification having sealed off any of her records and modern Aperture never bothered to hook sensors into her mainframe to give her access to the systems here. The best way to get out of here was – well- go up. And that was their only goal. Following posted signs, and portaling through rubble closed passages and wide jumps through empty air, Chell lead the others way through an entrance way when a booming sound startled her into freezing in place.

"Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science." A man's voice announced, slightly scratchy through the aged PA system. "Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians – you are here because we want the best, and _you are_ it. So: who is ready to make some science?" His voice was loaded with pride and oozed with confidence.

"I am!" I woman's voice cooed over the PA.

Was this... a recording? Chell found herself swept into some sort of scripted dialogue, Orange and Blue looking alarmed around the room. GLaDOS, however, seemed rigid in shock, the little sphere twitching in the harness. "You've already met one another on the limo ride over, so let me introduce myself." The man with the bravado spoke, "I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place."

Entering the room towards its center must have set off an automated play back system, similar to the one that ran in modern Aperture during GLaDOS's 'downtime'. And it seemed that Aperture had a long running tradition of their CEO or de facto leader being the very voice to guide (or torment) people in the facility. Chell looked down at the AI at her waist for a comment, but she found GLaDOS looking terrified. Suddenly worried, Chell reached down at touched the white armor hull with her index finger knuckle, causing the AI to flinch and look at her with a wide aperture.

The man's voice, Mr. Johnson himself, was very rich, as if he lived only on a life of the finest things. "That eager voice you heard is the lovely Caroline-my assistant. Rest assured, she has transferred your honorarium to the charitable organization of your choice. Isn't that right Caroline?"

"Yes, sir, Mr John-"

However, Caroline's voice was interrupted by a sudden loud cry and then a nearly shouting GLaDOS. "APERTURE SCIENCE'S HISTORY DATING TO THE PRE-ENRICHMENT CENTER DATE HAS NO RELAVANCE AT TODAY'S DATE. ALL INFORMATION AND DATA TO BE RETREIVED IN THIS SECTION IS OF NO USE. LETS MOVE ON." Chell flinched as the sheer volume the AI belt all this out at, and Orange gave a slight whine and looked like she wanted to cover her head with her metal hands to blot out the noise.

**CLANK-KRANG!**

Or at least Orange would have if the several thousand pound metal symbol of an atom the was part of Aperture's old logo hadn't fallen. The giant sheet of metal almost crushed the AI like a bug as it wobbled free from it's moorings. There was a massive smash into the finely tiled marble floor, and when the dust cleared, it revealed Orange standing in the dead center of the atom, the only 'safe' spot from the falling target.

Every eye was focused on the feminine bot who had miraculously cheated death. Unsure what to do with everyone's attention on her, Orange raised an arm and held it in the air for a moment before waving. _Hello_.

_'... OH MY GOD, YOU LUCKY AI BASTARD!' _Chell rushed over and threw her arms around Orange. She had been completely unaware of any danger and let Orange nearly walk right into her own destruction.

Nothing like a near-death to put the appreciation into these robots.

The feminine turret bot didn't look very phased by her near crushing. But once Chell threw her arms around the core and drew herself in for a hug, the robot suddenly gave a wild chirp and stiffened as if the Animal King turret himself had sprang upon them. There was a very awkward moment, when Chell realized her hug had alarmed the robot, and she drew back quickly.

Only to be power-hugged from Blue in a surprise ambush maneuver.

Damn, ninja robot.

The blue-eyed robot was always quick to duplicate the human's actions, and after nearly dislocating the human's _lungs (Note: Do not attempt this, it is very painful... and probably medically impossible) _the bot went to repeat the gesture to Orange. This lead in turn to hugs all around for the next five minutes and the recorded message was quickly forgotten.

GLaDOS was disgusted at the hugging. And stated it quite clearly. "Just thought you should know...hugging is the leading cause of acting like morons. It's completely true. There is no enhancing of the truth in that."

Even more so when, caught up in the moment, Chell had untangled the sphere from her jumpsuit and presented the AI to the two robots who hugged her quite thoroughly.

"Don't make me book a reservation in the Redemption Line for all of you... ALL of you." The gold eye was entirely focused on Chell, and her smug yet silent smile.

Giving a shrug, as if to say '_I've had worse',_ Chell took the sphere away from a suddenly overly energized Blue, who was hyped up on this new activity as if he had discovered an alternative power source. HUGS! By the power of hugs, you could power robots! Before tying the sphere back in, there was one thing Chell had to do.

Call it a moment of last revenge.

She curled her arms around GLaDOS's helpless sphere, and snuggled against the core, her silly and pleased grin still firmly in place. The look of shock locked onto the core's little hull, the aperture iris suddenly spun to a tiny pin prick. Revenge-hug complete, Chell released the gesture and returned to tying the core into the jumpsuit sleeves.

It wasn't until a good five minutes later that she realized there had been no cutting or snippy response from GLaDOS after the hug.


	16. I exist to be annoying

So, between power turning on and off like some kind of rave (my lappy has a battery life of an impressive 5 minutes too... I should probably fix that), working 50 hours a week, rescuing my kitties from their traumatic ordeal at my sister's place, and saving the world from zombies (or saving the world from survivors, depending which team I spawn on), putting sentry's in inconvenient places and wrenching spies in the head, and building an entire oriental pagoda city (and having my face blown off by creepers in the process) – I admit this chapter is very very late.

I am sorry.

I prostrate myself before you. I throw myself at your mercy... and under the tires of your car. I crawl over a field of lava in anguish. I quite possibly eat a entire roll of mentos and then drink a liter of diet coke so I may feel sufficiently terrible about it.

… and if you weren't aware, that was all sarcasm.

And I love it XD

**Sarcasm Still Valid**

**8/10/11**

* * *

><p>If Chell was going to write a book on Aperture Science Protocol (a non-propaganda piece, that is. There were enough of the other kinds), chapter 1 would be called <strong>"So You've Woken Up Hundreds of Years in the Future (with no memory) And Now Have a Computer Stalker". <strong>

… it... would be a very _specialized _book. The alternative for anyone not in her situation would be **"So You've Woken Up Hundreds of Years in the Future (with your memory intact) and the World Has Ended"**... which would contain all of the following words. "Well... I'm sure Black Mesa is to blame. Deal with it." End of chapter.

Seemed fair to Chell.

Chapter two her theoretical book: **"So You Have Been Cast into the Pits of The Earth with Your Computer Stalker."** Yep. That sounded like an excellent name for chapter two. Because that had been exactly what happened.

It would going to have to be a chapter in progress, because she had _no clue _what she was going to put into it other than "that really sucks...". Which also made for a short chapter.

There was an odd sort of 'pok pok' from every one of Blue's footsteps as they made their way through what appeared to be a lobby crafted of fine velvet curtains and marble tile in this underground ancient Aperture Science lab. Orange had a much more springy sound to her steps, but one pace was always accented by a dragging sound as she shifted her mangled leg along. Chell's own footfalls echoed with a 'thok' as the willowy metal of the heel bent with every step.

The only one amongst the escapees who was silent would be GLaDOS.

And that rang wrong on so many levels.

Chell found she was looking back over her hip at the sphere tied into the jumpsuit harness every time she stopped to scan an open doorway. Check a room, stop, check GLaDOS. If the AI was still silent, she moved on. Though she wasn't quite sure why she was giving the once homicidal computer so much attention, since GLaDOS had admitted she didn't know the layout of the place at all and could not act as a guide. The silence still rode wrong on Chell's nerves and left her edgy.

Wait...

Was this what GLaDOS felt like? Always looking over her shoulder for a murderous 'person' ('sphere') who never spoke (albeit temporarily)? Before, by comparison, Chell was as helpless as a kitten when matched against GLaDOS and all her devices. Now the tables were turned. Chell still had her normal strength and mobility, but this time GLaDOS had nothing, and Chell was the one laced with suspicion at the seemingly helpless subject.

If anything, it was probably a humbling experience for the machine who was once at the top of the 'food chain'. And now thinking it over, Chell felt a little (as in, 'a quark particle size' kind of amount) bad for all the trouble she had caused, breaking cameras, destroying the neurotoxin center, sabotaging turret control-

Until she remembered it had been fun, she had enjoyed it thoroughly, and GLaDOS most definitely had it coming.

Then Chell felt justified, guilt assuaged.

Eager to navigate her way out of this place, Chell found more of those pre-recorded messages had been place along the way, seeming to guide her on a correct path (and by 'correct path' she mostly meant 'path that didn't dead-end in a pile of rubble'.) However a pre-recorded voice with no viewer meant she couldn't flip someone the finger and expect a verbal onslaught of abuse like GLaDOS used to hit her with. There was no taunting or threats of death from Cave's recordings if Chell decided to do something unexpected such as start breaking things.

It just wasn't the same.

… And if she was missing GLaDOS' abuse... then she was BROKEN in the head.

Cave's voice outlined the directions Chell could go. Option A: Follow the blue lines on the floor to go to 'repulsion gel', or Option B: mutant praying mantises towards the yellow lines. … Wait... What?

Seriously? Mantis men? The human's brain failed to wrap around this and she stood there looking like a sudden headache had blindsided her. The two bots stopped mid-step and looked back at Chell. As if they were like "OH! Mantis men? Can we go see!" with their eager chattering.

If they had ears, Chell would have stomped over, seized them both by the ears, and towed them towards the BLUE LINE. As it was, she grabbed them both by the shoulders and dragged them with, heaving a large and self-suffering sigh as she went. The grand path broke back into the familiar catwalks and gangplank railings, and Chell was forced to return to her normal paranoid fashion of thinking or risk falling through the brittle path.

She had to pray there were no self-sustaining colonies of Mantis Men down here, meanwhile. Or their lesser known cousins, Spider-oids, which were probably even worse by comparison than Mantis Men! And best not to mention that horrible idea to GLaDOS – the AI probably had enough spite left in her sphere to bank that data for _later use._

Round polyhedron shaped tanks were connected to one another like massive metal soap bubbles hovering in the air by steel beams. All signs seemed to indicate they led to the surface, … but they also led to testing. For the first time, Chell truly faltered. She did NOT want to test again.

And if she was the one leading the way, she was the one making the decision not to test!

"Where do you think you are going?" GLaDOS asked as Chell turned and trotted back into the lobby area. "We tried all those doors already. They are locked." It was the first the AI had said since the entry hall where Cave Johnson's voice had startled them all.

Chell gave a slight nod, and yet smirked. Yes, they were locked with padlocks. But technically, she had the key.

The giant, lock cutting key.

Wire cutters Chell had used to snip baling wire into strips to repair Orange's leg was quite possibly item #1 on the 'not testing approved' list, but my god they made everything so much easier. It took a few moments of worrying at the rusted lock with the wire cutters before the metal gave away. If the lock had been new or pristine, the simple wire cutters were not at all strong enough to handle the padlocks.

Turning, Chell spun the cutters once around index finger and thumb before collapsing the tool in on itself with a few clicks and sticking it back into her pocket. Wire cutters were quickly scaling to the top of her 'favorite things' list. Right up there with Not Dying, Eating Real (and not Imaginary) Food, Companion Cube, and Taunting AI.

"... the moron has taught you bad habits on 'hacking' doors open." GLaDOS sounded more amused than disgusted though. "Or perhaps there was a sub file of 'vandal' in your file that I didn't notice. I'll have to adjust that."

_'Yes, you do that. But since you aren't in your database, leave yourself a sticky note as a reminder... also. Milk, eggs, bacon, bread, and neurotoxin. Grocery list for you too.' _Chell's mind was happily purring along with sarcasm full steam ahead.

"You know, unless you actually _say _any sarcastic quips you may have-," GLaDOS was developing a frightening accurate view of Chell's mind.

The room opened into what appeared to be a … bedroom? Unlike the cheap faux-motel look of the relaxation chamber, this was an expensive looking five-star hotel look to the bedroom. The furniture, sturdy and heavy oak, was only just beginning to warp with age and the fine polish was coated in thick dust. It was not was Chell was looking for, though it did warrant a pause to take in the sight.

Blue was behind Chell, his fingers quickly reaching into her pocket (startling the human into give a peeping 'eep' in confusion at the grope) and taking the wire cutters. The robot then went down the hall snipping the locks off of all the doors.

"Now you've taught them vandalizing." GLaDOS sighed.

The round robot kept searching though, opening each door and peering in before moving to the next. Orange followed him, chattering at her partner before holding both her hands up in the 'stay here' gesture to the woman, similar to the one Chell had pantomimed to them up on the surface. Chell's desire to find an alternative escape route had apparently been clear even to the robots, and they were eager to help. And seeing them scan each room in a highly paranoid fashion while they searched meant Chell's lesson of 'you are not expendable' was apparently taken to heart (or motherboard). She felt something akin to pride. Like a teacher watching students suddenly grasp how to do a complex problem.

Some of the doors had been vitrified old experiments, potentially dangerous still after all these years and Orange refused to let Chell even peer inside of them. That was probably for the best though, the colorful explanation of the types of 'science' that had once been done were pasted to the side of the door. Reading one of them, Chell decided that death by angry computer did not seem so bad.

At least GLaDOS never tried to turn her inflate her with gas or make her crap coal, turn her blood into jelly or shoot SUPERCOLLIDERS at her.

_That she knew of._

Chell found she was not even TRYING to look into the rooms anymore after reading some of those signs. It was the equivalent of covering her eyes and going _'lalalalaaa, I can't see those unspeakable horrors you've been doing, lalala!'_

Blue exited another room, some sort of black liquid caked onto the bottom of his feet. Orange dodged back from him, pointing at the material and giving an upset sounding chatter, probably scolding him for getting some sort of unknown and potentially dangerous substance on himself. Chell's lessons on mortality seemed to be only half-sticking in their hard drives. Sort of. Good enough for Aperture Science, anyway.

"Based on their learned actions, I would say the Testing Initiative pair is a massive success." GLaDOS was forced to admit. "Looks like I didn't need bother with the moron at all. I could have just crushed him after I woke up after all."

Chell's half smile watching the two robots blew away, and she found she was fixing GLaDOS with an icy and furious stare.

"Don't tell me you are _still _defending that moron! He was only using you to escape before and now he simply doesn't care. The moron really did try to kill you." The sphere was now offended at Chell's anger at the insult to the ID core, and an argument (one-sided, of course) began between them. How does an argument with a mute work? … Good question... silent treatment?

Orange had rushed back, her trill a sharp distraction to the rising fight. Beckoning the human to follow, Chell pointedly ignored the sphere strapped to her hip and followed the robot. There was a door that had been pushed all the way open, a heavy steel door rather than fine wood. Inside the dusty room was the shadow of Blue, but not a whole lot else could be seen. The two robots had much better vision than Chell during normal conditions, their night vision compared to hers was unparalleled.

A blue optic was looking at Chell happily from the dark room and the round robot sprang to his feet holding tiny foil bags. Lifting one up, he pointed at it and rolled his sphere to the side as if to ask a question. The pouch he was holding wasn't immediately clear what it was, and Chell took it curiously and brushed much of the dust from the foil surface.

A few letters of _**'eeze dri-d' **_on a label were still visible on the faded package. Chell felt her mouth suddenly water. Oh my god... this was food (technically, though probably with all the taste of a tennis shoe) and Blue was pointing back into the room where a large spilled box of similar foil lined pouches rested.

"Apparently, your unending quest for cake has rubbed off on my testing pair. Now they are searching for things for you to consume, so that your mass may fluctuate, so that you may no longer fit into that tacky jumpsuit, so that any males you meet may be horrified by your girth." GLaDOS gave the causation for several ideas.

And as per normal behavior of the human, the insult bounced off her thick hide. Mostly so that she could ninja hug the robot a few seconds later out of absolutely glee from being given food. Blue was less startled than Chell had originally been at the 'invention' of ninja hugs and more along the lines of 'pleased as a robot could be'. He celebrated with a conciliatory pat on the back for Chell, and once he had been released from the hug he seemed to be gloating to Orange.

Hauling a large handful of the foil packets out of the storage closet, Chell stuffed a few types into her pockets. She found there was a random assortment of 'pre-cooked chicken' (which promised all the taste of delicious and nutritious cardboard) to such things like dehydrated brownies. The rumblings of her stomach began to ramp up the volume in proximity to the food stuffs.

"Wait." GLaDOS stopped Chell short, the woman not quite sure why she had frozen at the AI's brisk words, but found herself listening. "Were you just about to stick that in your mouth and eat it? Just like that?" The AI asked suspiciously, her upper handle lowers down as she squinted.

_'What ELSE does one do with food?' _Chell raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Then you would have eaten it and bloated up even more hilariously than normal." GLaDOS snorted. "It's _dehydrated_... you must rehydrate most of it or it will absorb moisture from your own body. And judging by your complete lack of self-control in killing me... you would eat until full – and then promptly explode once the food started to expand. Or you would become so dehydrated due to lack of water that testing could not continue." The taunt was joyful sounding. Whether it was at the fact Chell probably would have eaten herself to exploding horribly or that the AI was pointing out her obvious mental superiority over the woman's knowledge – Chell wasn't quite sure. However the dehydration issue was certainly a problem.

The sphere did have a point.

A passive-aggressive point, yes... but that didn't make it less valid. Chell would have to find water to rehydrate the food or try to curb whatever she ate to a few nibbles of food that didn't require rehydration. And she really didn't want to admit it... but she had the horrible feeling GLaDOS was right about her self-control if it came to eating. Chell was beyond starving. Her body had grown used to working on such little food and being presented with such a bounty was tempting.

Deciding to assume GLaDOS was going to begin another round of ruthless taunting should she eat too much, Chell tore open a foil pouch and found the powdered and flaky remains of what was a mostly squashed brownie that didn't need any added water to be eaten as is. While Blue continued on his task of cutting locks off of doors, Chell tried to eat without seeming too starved for food.

"90% of test subjects chose to eat in a sitting position, and of those that did not, 75% engaged in choking while eating." GLaDOS pulled some random data out. "The remaining percentage engaged in falling-to-their-death exercises due to not paying attention."

Best guess translation: _'Sit down at eat, you hobo, before you kill yourself.'_

It did give Chell a moment off her aching feet, but the human was uneasy remaining still. Folding to her knees, Chell finished off the dusty dessert and tried a pouch of what claimed to be peanut butter and jelly.

It lied.

It was more like powdered sugar with a peanut taste wedged between two sheets of 'paper'. And it was making Chell's mouth frighteningly dry, so she stopped after a few bites and folded the package up again. Until they got back to modern Aperture, Chell was going to have to play it safe. It looked like that was part of the itinerary was now 'going hungry' again.

So her direct travel plan now read as the following: Fall down a pit. Treaty with enemies. Hugs all around. Get lost. Find testing center. Find food – and don't eat it.

"Well, I'll be. So you DO have self-control." GLaDOS made a noise of mock-amazement as Chell stopped eating the 'food' (and the term is used very loosely here).

Why was the test subject fated to be tormented by AI? If fate was a person, Chell was going to punch them right in the damn kidneys. Freaking unfair fate.

Tucking the pouch away in silence, the woman had glanced back over her shoulder and found she was slightly disoriented to see GLaDOS's gold iris instead of Wheatley's blue optic. The act of checking on the sphere at her back was a reaction she had learned from her time with Wheatley. How had she forgotten who she was carrying exactly? It wasn't like she had really even forgotten, it was more like-,

"You are concussed." GLaDOS said, the iris spinning wider. "I have observed... sluggish movements, slow iris dilation time, and disorientation. Mild concussion at best. More brain damage at worse. Which is probably is." The pessimist put her two cents in.

Chell's default action would have been to flip the AI off... except she really didn't doubt she had some sort of concussion after the long fall down here. It felt like a pounding headache and fatigue mostly and she had already been walking for several hours without blacking out. The most dangerous phase of a concussion was already past, leaving just the confusion and pain phases left to go.

...hooray...

Orange and Blue had scouted out the rest of the locked rooms, and finding another empty hotel room they decided the bed was a threat. Or maybe they just liked jumping on it. The two robots had very nearly destroyed every aged spring in the bed and it was now a ruined mount of fluff and cloth.

"Maybe... their potential for pointlessly destructive behavior exceeds your own. Stop it, you two!" GLaDOS scolded the two bots. However they almost entirely ignored her in favor of their bouncing. Almost being used because upon hearing GLaDOS' voice, both of them waved like joyful idiots.

Then, back to jumping.

The human was quickly becoming rather fond of these mobile idiots.

So it was that Chell took it into her own hands to carry out GLaDOS's will... because the sound of them jumping around was like forklifts being pushed out of windows in her aching head. Rising to her feet (oh geez, she was not supposed to feel this old! Damn you, knees!) Chell had to wet her lips twice to be able to get any sound out of her whistling. But the faint sound caused both bots to immediately stop jumping and turn their attention to the human.

Upon hindsight... Chell wondered why whistling always got their attention like this. Yes, she was whistling to try to do just that, but this caused them to drop EVERYTHING and watch her as if she had something important to say.

"Ping tool." The sphere said, still harnessed to Chell. The human raised an eyebrow, now flanked by either bot. What was GLaDOS talking about?

"You were wondering why they responded so quickly to your action. The ping tool. Orange and Blue have ping tools installed, to allow them to indicate to the other they have found something of use in testing. The closest human equivalent of the ping tool is the simple task of whistling." GLaDOS watched Chell as she explained.

_'Ok, if GLaDOS is now psychic and answering my questions without having to ask... how the hell is she doing it?' _Chell had a flummoxed expression on her face as she stared at the sphere in awe.

There was a chuckle from the AI. "I suppose you are curious on how I am guessing what you are thinking? It's not so much a 'guess' as it is the cumulative of data collection on you."

Translation: '_I've stalked you so much, I know what you are thinking'._

… which was creepy.

You're creepy, GLaDOS!

But to be fair, Orange and Blue appeared to be observing Chell even more than the supercomputer ever did, and she found them adorable instead of creepy. … And MAYBE,... just maybe, the devastatingly cruel AI shoved into the body of a core was slightly adorable. Adorable in the way of 'cute angry cat is given a bath and wants to splash your blood across the bathroom for it' kind of cute.

Without meaning to, Chell's hand moved back to pat the sphere on the head, one part thinking of cats, one part remembering Wheatley. GLaDOS gave a huff, "Fine. I _am _your friend. Now stop this need for contact and keep moving! The longer we are away from the Enrichment Center, the longer the _moron-king_ has to –,"

A deep rumble shook the mine, dust and small flakes of gravel shaken free from the ceiling. Chell seized both robots by the shoulders and dragged them back into the doorway they had exited, ducking under the structure in what was a proper earthquake procedure. The rumbling stopped after only a few seconds and the lights suspended from the ceiling only swayed slightly.

_'What... was that?' _Chell's eyebrows rose in alarm. Was Michigan on a fault line? Neither of the testing bots seemed to have a single clue what was going on, but they had both clung to either side of Chell like frightened children.

...ok, Blue made a sound like a chuckle... maybe they just liked clinging. Those bastards.

"Not that dying down here doesn't sound like the kind of fun you depraved morons would enjoy, but that 'seismic activity' was probably turbine #4 overloading. And exploding. Congratulations. Four kilometers of bedrock between you and the turbine destruction have spared you from a highly irradiated death." GLaDOS had an urgent tone to her voice. "The Enrichment Ce-... _**I **_would like to remind you that science never stops. An in the moron's case, bad ideas never stop. Please continue to the testing chambers."

Pulling away from the testing bots, Chell gave the vast mine system a urgent last scan. They had found nothing leading to the surface that wouldn't be a straight climb up. As much as Chell wanted ANYTHING but this... it was going to have to be traveling through the testing bubbles.

Orange and Blue were honestly vibrating with excitement as they followed Chell into the elevator cage. "Don't spoil the surprise for them." GLaDOS suddenly gave a pop and a hum as the sub-speakers turned on, speaking in a whisper. "After all, it's not every day you get to see two data-less test subjects get upgraded from 'blissfully clueless' to 'blissfully aware of all the dangers that lay ahead'.

… The only thought in Chell's head was, _'I'd really like to see her official definition of 'blissful'.'_

* * *

><p>The elevator shook them all like the contents of a martini in a tumbler. There had been an ancient and primitive Material Emancipation Grill suspended over the elevator, and Chell had been afraid to enter at first. She was afraid that this version of the grill would destroy both the testing bots, the personality core, and her bolt cutter. GLaDOS assured Chell that <em>in theory<em> they could all pass through the grill un-vaporized. "But I won't bother explaining why. It IS quantum theory, after all. It is a great mercy to not destroy your remaining brain cell's with abstract theorems." The AI said, as if speaking to a slow child.

This had earned the AI a most glorious flying finger. Chell was beginning to make the gesture look majestic rather than insulting.

Upon passing through the Emancipation Grill, the co-op pair and the personality core were completely unharmed by the plasma field. However the bolt cutters were completely reduced to ash. Proving once again that the things that would be the most useful in testing were forbidden (also forbidden was common sense and any sort of survival instincts for putting yourself into the situation to begin with). The small foil enclosed pouches of freeze dried food, however, did not get destroyed. Although Chell could say it probably didn't help the taste at all. Ew.

Emerging in a completely black area from the elevator, there were a few clicks as a few bulbs decided they were to mainstream to wait for everyone else and turned on dimly. Damn freaking hipster bulbs. And then the group was COMPLETELY overwhelmed when every single possible light (and their mother) turned on and blinded Chell.

_'… no, it's ok. I didn't need those eyes anyway.' _The woman reached at her eyes in pain, her palm rubbing at them as stars danced in her vision.

There was a sigh from the sphere on her back, and GLaDOS gave a little bit of a wiggle. "Orange, please guide the Marshmallow here until her vision recovers. It would be **~tragic~** if she wandered off a ledge." The AI's voice had a hiccup, subbing 'tragic' in for some other word that didn't quite mesh up.

So they were back to thinly disguised insults again? Was this in response to actually entering the test? Did GLaDOS have testing programmed so deeply in her system that this was her normal and ONLY behavior option?

"No, of course not." GLaDOS, the apparently psychic mind-reading AI, answered to Chell's pondering. "But it is the most fun."

Chell developed a case of goosebumps at the AI's successful 'mind-reading'. CREEPY.

Stumbling out of the elevator, Chell was towed forward into the test chamber by the hand with Orange leading, her eyes still seeing black blobs and white dancing shapes. Cave Johnson's voice once again greeted them. "Alright, lets get started! This first test involved something the Lab Boys call 'Repulsion Gel'. You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint." Cave cackled for a bit and the sobered not even one second later, "All joking aside that .. did happen. Broke every bone in his legs. Tragic... And informative!"

With a falling dismay, Chell only now remembered what the brief pre-recorded message meant... the precursor to pain. And apparently even back in their root days, Aperture enjoyed watching people flail around in agony. Just like the present time, only with less passive-aggressive, sarcastic remarks and more machismo. Awww, nostalgic. But at least Chell was back in her element.

And that element was period table element #113: PN – Pain-idium.

Even if this testing chamber was over god knows how many hundreds of years old, Chell found she was impressed by Aperture's progress even back in the 1950s. She couldn't stop the sense of amazement. Didn't mean she _didn't _want to kick Cave Johnson in the balls... just that she would shake his hand first before she did that.

The scene even built itself in her head.

**Chell: Are you Cave Johnston?**

**Cave: Why, Yes I Am!**

**Chell: It's an honor to meet you *shake hands***

**Cave: HAHAHA. Yes It Is! What Can I Do For You, Little Lady?**

**Chell: … *crippling kick to the groin via Longfall boots*... FOR SCIENCE!**

Chell started the test grinning happily. Which made the little sphere suspicious. "I don't know what scene you've constructed in your head, but testing results indicate that humans become delighted upon the pain and suffering of others. You monster." GLaDOS called joyfully. "But... some humans are more deserving of **~unfortunate situations~** than others."

Blue had apparently decided to discard his own safety and flung himself down on a floor spattered with that blue gel. Chell made it only three steps forward to stop him when he went bouncing into to air, shocked and alarmed. Orange found it rather hilarious. And GLaDOS remained unamused at the entire state of the world. Oh woe is the AI, for she is surrounded by morons and spiteful little humans.

GLaDOS didn't even need to voice anything to let Chell know she was venting sarcasm at critical levels. The human rolled her hand back to the sphere, not sure if she was touching the AI for the sake of reassuring GLaDOS that the situation was under control … or if she just really wanted a friend again. The thought was mildly distressing, and instead Chell moved all her attention to the strange 'blue paint'.

Repulsion Gel was like a kind of trampoline that was in liquid form. Blue had 'volunteered' to test the material by flinging himself into the gel without a moment's thought. Bouncing around the room to get his bearings, Blue soon mastered this goo and indicated it was safe... and ludicrous fun. Chell had thought she would have to play nanny and haul both robots out of the gel to solve the test, but she found that after learning how to move about on the goo... both of the bots had returned to her side to observe.

The human favored them with a smile.

Between the three test subjects and the single core searching the room, they managed to locate a wood box bound with wrought metal that seemed to be an early Weighted Storage Cube. And an early prototype of the same button Chell was so used to, the crazy Super Collider Button.

_'Maybe if I'm lucky, this button wouldn't be causing cancer like it's future model...' _Chell skirted the red button, indicating to Blue to put the box on it.

"That was an enhancement of the truth, you know. The Super Collider Button does not cause cancer." GLaDOS said, her voice quiet in the vast test chamber.

Nodding, the woman rolled her eyes a bit. _'I thought so.' _She sighed, reaching back to pat the sphere.

"It causes tumors."

_'…..' _The human developed a nervous twitch.

Ok... Never EVER mentioning those buttons again... and making a mental note to go right to a hospital once escaping, Chell gave the two bots a very brief demonstration of cube and button based testing by heaving the sucker at the button about ten feet away. Then she bolted for the exit. Orange and Blue had to run just to keep up with the human, both trilling in what was probably amazement at her speed.

Fear was an excellent muse of inspiration, apparently.

Similar to the newer labs on the surface, once the test was completed Cave's voice came over the PA.. .and began to complain about pre-recorded messages. And that the lab guys could all screw off! It had the same tone as GLaDOS's _'congratulations for not failing' _messages upon completing a room.

Ah, nostalgic.

"Hey." GLaDOS called out, her gold eye watching Chell carefully as she lead Orange and Blue across a crumbling scaffolding to the next test. "I know we are in a rush, but I want to ask you to do something. ALL of you." This was an order, directed to Orange and Blue, and more or less a request directed to Chell. The human paused and the testing bots were listening with rapture.

"All and any standardized testing messages left for the purpose of testing are to be ignored. In fact, standard operating procedure... shut down your hearing for a minimum of 30 seconds upon entering and exiting testing chambers. All recorded messages contain dated data that are of no use and would only serve to create an unfair bias of future tests." It was perhaps the most cut and dry way to say _'don't listen to any messages' _Chell had ever heard.

It... was also the strangest request she had heard as well, disregarding the request to assume the Party Escort Submission Position and to heave herself into the incinerator. While Orange and Blue nodded furiously in agreement, Chell continued into the test. GLaDOS couldn't force her to obey... merely to 'suggest' it.

And the gold optic little sphere was no where near as persuasive as Wheatley had- … changing line of thought, changing line of thought!

The next message kicked up when Chell entered the test chamber and the two bots stiffened as Mr. Johnson began to speak, and then were presumed to have shut down their receivers. GLaDOS looked at Chell expectantly, but the human gave a slight shrug. _'If you couldn't tell me what to do up there, what makes you think I'll listen down here?'_ The careless and amused shrug said.

"Alright, but don't say I didn't warn you." GLaDOS said. Ominously.

Cave gave them a rather proud sounding message. "Repulsion Gel is chock full of delicious nanites to give the body it's daily dose of RNA, mutant genes and chemicals! Good for the body, good for your tumors!" There was a slight pause. "And if you don't have any tumors, we'll don't worry. If you sat in a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants... we took care of that." Cave said, eagerly.

Chell's jaw was hanging open. Her skin felt... itchy. Yes, it was probably all in her head, psychosomatic or whatever, but it didn't stop the horrible flesh crawling feeling. GLaDOS gave a slight chuckle.

"I told you so. You are better off not listening." The AI said, sounding less like she was gloating and more amused. "Test subjects showed at 56% increase in … longevity... when the truth was _enhanced_ for their benefit."

* * *

><p>Guiding the two testing bots through this room in sections, Chell found that having three portal guns was like cheating. Orange would set up momentum gaining portals, Chell would hijack the 'down' portal to fling Blue... and Blue was lucky enough to be the projectile tossed about the room, his portals catching himself and redirecting his trajectory. The two robots seemed to have a pseudo-longfall boot built into their legs, the armor sections meant to bounce under hydraulics.<p>

Orange's makeshift splint constructed from rebar and baling wire wouldn't hold if the turret-based robot fell and landed full weight on her leg. This left the slender bot always the last one through the portals, set so she wouldn't have to jump. And if jumping was impossible to avoid, Blue would haul his partner to his back and make the leap for her.

It was really freaking adorable.

"Yes. I get it. You think they are 'cute'." GLaDOS huffed. "If I wanted to provide test subject with icons of adorable things, I'd give you a cat. Made of poptarts. Who exudes rainbows. But I didn't. Continue testing."

The human sat there with a stupidly amused look on her face. Whether it was from the sight of Blue piggybacking Orange along, and the slender bot pointing excitedly at a gap in the test module or from GLaDOS's strange 'poptart cat' bribe, she wasn't sure. But for an unknown and stupid reason, she began to laugh.

The totem of robots (Orange & Blue combine into a larger robot and- no wait, sorry, wrong show) turned to stare at confusion at the cackling human. The sphere harnessed to Chell's waist bobbled as the woman wobbled unsteadily, her voice loud and clear with every laugh. Blue made a noise of confusion, and then looked at GLaDOS.

"No. I did not break her. This is a non-standard human reaction when confronted with … you know, never mind what it is a reaction to." The sphere's gold eye light just a little bit brighter in embarrassment at the thought of the strange 'poptart cat' thing that had caused Chell to go into frantic giggles. "Just know that this reaction called 'laughter' should not under any circumstances be used during testing."

So of course, Blue started to chuckle.

"You exist entirely because of Murphy's Law, don't you?" GLaDOS said to Chell. The human was trying to get her laughing under control, wiping her amused tears from her eyes. "The law states that upon planning for every conceivable theoretical outcome, a new outcome will arrive. YOU are that outcome."

If there was ever a moment to take pride on being a theoretical wrench in the gears... well... it honestly wasn't right now. But Chell resolved once this was settled, she would have it put on a plaque, "I exist to screw things up" and have it bronzed.

And it would be wonderful.

With Orange still on his back, Blue now trailed behind Chell while she lead the way with her portal gun readied. There was the deep hum of the ancient PA system kicking on, and the voice of Cave Johnson began to 'congratulate' (or perhaps 'cause mental damage' was more accurate) them on completing the test. The two bots were fast to turn off their hearing sensors, but Chell hesitated.

"You'll regret it again." GLaDOS sighed, watching as the woman considered.

"Oh, and in case you got covered in that Repulsion Gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me," Cave cut in as Chell passed through the Emancipation grill at the end of the puzzle. There was the sound of paper flipping over the speakers. "um... **'DO NOT get covered in Repulsion Gel'**. We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this. It's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton."

New revised list of things I must fear. 1) Giant killer computer. 2) Emancipation Grills. 3) Cancer-buttons 4) Turrets 5) Acid Water 6) Bakalava 7) _Repulsion Gel._

… wait... what was number 6?...Why was-

"And all these testing spheres are made of asbestos. Keeps out the rats." Cave informed.

… Re-revised listed. Addendum...8) Asbestos.

"So when I tell you to cover your ears... will you listen now?" GLaDOS asked, barely able to keep a laugh from her digital voice.

Chell nodded, her ponytail bobbing.

"Congratulations. Listening to me will allow you to live 90% longer. And also take approximately 10% off your total mass." GLaDOS made a sound like someone blowing on a party noise maker. "I'd dispense confetti for this... but _someone _seems to have removed me from the confetti dispensing systems."

And then, existing out of spite, Chell gave GLaDOS broad smile.

If only because it would tick the AI off.


	17. The Sarcasm Goes to 11!

_**I have lost all focus. It doesn't help my muse is a 10 year old by with the attention span of a swarm of bees. (and on a side note, I'm now playing Bioshocks... and I freaking love the bees). Which is also WHY this update is too damn late. I'm not giving up yet! I'm like the Little Engine(eer)That Tried But Was Eventually Stabbed In The Back By A Spy.**_

… _What? Didn't your momma ever read you that story? Aww, my friend, you have missed out. I will have to get the next chapter done quicker, I promise. Video games are unfortunately my cardinal vice, and I'm totally going to video game hell. Fortunately, Dante never mapped out a section of hell for those who play them, but I'm tempted to turn the third ring of hell into "Bastards who scream into microphones and rupture my eardrums". Be prepared for a loooong rest there._

**Katzsoa:** Thanks for pointing out that error, it totally flew past me. It was a derp moment, where I went wire cutters = bolt cutters... but obviously they don't. I'll go back and fix that. I should honestly know the difference, I carried a pair of wire cutters in my purse for 5 months at school (it was honestly for art class, I swear!)

**Psi-Aura: **Eeee! Thank you! I'd honestly go after revenge on Cave Johnson myself, but I have been psychologically-conditioned to fear mustaches and mutton chops (it's a long LONG story, and my 'friends' honestly rofl at the memory... those... mutton chops... D: )

**Lumoa:** I swear, Wheatley is about to come into the story again soon. ...hmm, sounds like the beginning of a joke. "So a core walks into a bar and...well, not walk, exactly…more like rolls in on a track. Oh, and it's not a bar, it's a lab. Hmm, ok, this sounded a lot better in my head." Ah, Wheatley...

**coincidencless:** Freeze dried meat/veggies are really the only thing you should rehydrate. And no, it won't cause you to explode, but it will give you a nasty tummy ache. … and... of _course_ I'm not speaking from experience. *guilty look*

**Sebastian:** I will now deliver the eulogy at your funeral. "Sebastian was a great person. I once saw him fly a shark into a burning plane to rescue a kitten who had gotten stuck in a empty soda box. He was a real humanitarian. … Also, I think he owes me $20..."

Thank you everyone for your comments!

Sarcasm Still Valid

8/25/11

* * *

><p>After Cave Johnson's warning about Repulsion Gel eating away the human skeleton, Chell was hesitant to go back into testing just yet. The human gave GLaDOS a unsure look, her eyes flicking ahead into the test with worry. She wanted some sort of verification that her bones were going to liquify or whatever or even denial that such a thing would even be scientifically possible.<p>

"Your refusal to test is due to former CEO Cave Johnson's last message regarding Repulsion Gel?" The AI asked, the gold aperture iris expanding.

Chell nodded, her ponytail swaying.

The AI paused to think. "Enhancement of the truth to improve testing results was not implemented until much after former CEO Cave Johnson's time. If former CEO Cave Johnson says it is the truth, then former CEO Cave Johnson is telling the truth." The repeating of Cave's full title (with 'former' tacked on because it was pretty obvious GLaDOS considered herself 'active CEO') was a little odd.

Though this meant that Repulsion Gel was going to turn all her bones into rubber. Or kill her marrow. Or general HORRIBLENESS. Being bombarded with a supercollider emissions sounded preferable over bathing in the gel.

Orange could see the frustrated and slightly fearful expression on Chell's face and turned to Blue to give a trill. The two had a few seconds conversation over what to do with testing buddy Marshmallow's mood, when they decided there was of course only one way to fix her. – Hugs.

… ok, it might HELP for cheering up, but hugs don't fix everything.

Really.

No, really! The smile on Chell's face was... um... reflex. She was not being cheered up by a simple hug when her life (and bones) were at stake like this.

"You aren't fooling anyone." GLaDOS said, heaving a digital sigh as Chell let Orange pick her up around the middle in what would have been a crushing hug if the robot hadn't been being extremely careful. "Just complete your pointless hugging rituals and continue _testing._" The AI seemed to be sulking, or whatever the machine based equivalent was. Both of her handles were drawn in, her shutters lowered, and the white hull flexed outwards in irritation.

… crap, that was kind of adorable too.

Chell was now convinced her basis for cuteness was broken. Upon escaping, she was going to stare at pictures of puppies and kitties until normalcy was returned.

Orange insisted on a group hug, and Chell was dragged into it limply. It did no good to fight robots five times stronger than yourself. So there she dangled like a ragdoll, Blue bull-rushing into them to join in the hug as well. From the woman's hip, GLaDOS also hung limply, the same ennui washed over the machine and human. There was no use fighting when you didn't have arms either.

"Now …. uhg... PLEASE, return to testing." GLaDOS spoke in broken words, her vocal modulator almost choking out the word 'please' as if she had the ability to gag.

Well, Chell found she at least appreciated the attempt at civility.

"Just a heads up," Cave's recorded voice suddenly drove terror into Chell. OH god, what now? Orange and Blue stiffened as they shut down their hearing and Chell reached up to clamp her hands over her ears when she realized she'd have to drop the ASHPD to do that. "That coffee you had earlier had florescent calcium in it so we can track the neurological activity in your brain. There's a chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Any, don't stress yourself thinking about it. … I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction." Cave's message came before Chell could shuck off the ASHPD and cover her ears.

The woman twitched.

It was only the weight of GLaDOS at her hip that kept her from breaking into a blind shrieking panic. If there was more 'good news' from Cave to be coming, there was going to be mad and naked panic in the labs!

Logic made a creeping return to Chell's brain and informed her that she had NOT drank the coffee. Said coffee would already be powdered into dust with age. Then logic informed her never to drink powdered coffee in any form just to keep her paranoia placated.

Chell thanked her logic by slapping a palm violently to her head in embarrassment she had almost gone into a full blown panic attack. The smack on her forehead left her dazed as her bruised brain was jarred.

Still, Chell clutched at her head and her breathing rate picking up. What was WRONG with ancient Aperture? Did they WANT to kill test subjects? Was the test to make up creative ways for others to die? At least in the modern Enrichment Center, you had a chance of surviving!

The AI noticed the panic was beginning to fade back into confusion. "Yes. You are definitely suffering from a concussion, in tandem with your run of the mill brain damage. Your reactions seemed to indicate you didn't realize you _weren't _part of former CEO Cave Johnson's aforementioned test subjects for almost a full minute. Which, honestly, is a bit unbelievable you'd think that. These vitrified tests were going on a good thirty years before you were even born. And you are _my_ test subject. No such tests are scheduled to be run on you." GLaDOS said, her voice modulating to a rather emotional tone from the bland monotone she normally spoke in.

What WAS it with machines and their damn 'dibs' they kept putting on the woman?

Looking over at Orange for some sort of reassurance, Chell found the robot giving her a blank look, and then jerked as if shocked by a small jolt of electricity. Giving a chatter, Orange held a single hand up to her core in a very human gesture to indicate 'Sorry, I didn't hear that.' Cave's voice had caused full hearing sensor shut down for thirty seconds... right, she had forgotten.

"... Technically, they are _my_ test subjects too, but I think they are now becoming TOO human." GLaDOS huffed. "Marshmallow, act less human and more like test solving mute lunatic – as per usual."

And now it was back to the normal taunts that Chell was used to. So that meant it was time for testing again. Put on the man-pants, Chell, it was time to go back.

* * *

><p>The two testing bots absorbed the fact that their human testing partner seemed to have a strange fear of the blue gel. When portals had to be placed to shape a path for the gel, Chell stopped them and checked twice the trajectories and keeping well clear from the path. Orange took the extra time to mimic the woman, examining all placed portals with great thoroughness before they released any gel at all. Which is really for the best, because Blue would have been hit by the gel on the back of the chassis if they hadn't noticed the slightly lopsided set of portals.<p>

Chell offered the two bots a smile once the testing doors hissed open to the elevators. The bots, both enthralled by the human's happiness, tried to figure out how best to show it besides their gleeful laughs and hugging. They sort of hopped about from foot to foot, full of energy but without an outlet to pour it into.

Perhaps she would teach them one of the celebratory actions she and Wheatley had done...

"No." GLaDOS said, her iris spinning to a gold dot. "No, you aren't... are you?"

Well that really only cemented the fact she was _definitely _teaching them now! Chell reached out and nabbed both bots by a hand to stop them. Then with an extremely serious expression, she taught them the epicness of the glorified high-five. Or as it had been during testing with Wheatley – the Sphere Five.

Orange and Blue took to it like a couple of pyros with a book of matches. If high fives could start fires... well... Aperture would have been burned to the ground in the most joyful manner.

"You all impress me." GLaDOS said, sounding surprised.

Chell raised an eyebrow. She knew the AI well enough to know there would be a catch.

"No … wait. De. You _De_press me. Yes, that is correct." Sounding disgustingly gloomy, GLaDOS closed her eye and rolled sideways in the harness so she didn't have to look at the insanity.

_Par for the course._ Why can't anything be normal?

Hmm, that seemed to be her motto now.

The underground lab was ancient and creepy, giving off the air of despair and lonesomeness. Even with Orange and Blue in constant physical contact with her, and the reassuring weight of GLaDOS at her back, Chell still felt lonely down here. If she was honestly with herself, she missed Wheatley, even though he had discarded her like a cube into an incinerator. And she even missed the Companion Cubes. All of them. Cube senior all the way through Cube the third, esquire.

_'This place cannot be good for my mental health. Or my normal health. Stupid gel... stupid asbestos... stupid former-CEO Cave Johnson.' _Chell was feeling possibly just a little bit bitter about the whole thing, but she failed to notice she was now referring to the original founder of Aperture as the same way GLaDOS had. And if she had noticed, she would have chocked it up to _'stupid influencing spheres'_ and left it at that.

Cave's voice started again when Blue set foot into the test room just ahead of the other two, but once he said "If you are part of control group Keplar-7-," but was cut off by a sudden and melodious hum. Chell had been prepared to just drop the ASHPD on the floor to cover her ears and be willing to risk it getting dented rather than the mental trauma Cave Johnson was probably about to inflict, but this new sound was drowning out almost every other word.

And it was coming from the sphere harnessed to her waist.

GLaDOS was humming the soothing refrain from Brahms' Lullaby, and suddenly nothing that former-CEO had to say seemed to make any sort of difference. The human was in awe at what her former-enemy was doing in order to help. With both the testing bot having their hearing sensors shut down for the next thirty seconds, they just stood milling around the door, already breaking down the test into actions to solve.

The gold iris in the shape of the Aperture logo looked over at Chell, the humming still continuing over Cave's droning voice. A smile lifted half of Chell's mouth into a grateful grin. _'Thanks.' _She didn't need to say it, and even if she could speak, GLaDOS probably wouldn't have appreciated it.

"All and any mental trauma on current test subjects must be done in a controlled and careful situation. There will be no unplanned for trauma on my subjects." GLaDOS said, her voice swelling over the announcement.

"YET." The AI added, after a few more beats of the song hummed.

It still didn't wipe the contented smile from the woman's face.

Whatever brain-breaking message Cave Johnson wanted to deliver, he didn't get much of it out and Chell felt no more worse for the wear than before. Orange had apparently noted something of 'extreme interest to my pink human friend' and leaned over to tug on Chell's elbow before pointing.

There was a massive torrent of flowing water coming from the ceiling.

OMG WATER.

Chell had turned on one springy longfall boot and shoved the ASHPD into Blue's hands and untangled GLaDOS to pass to Orange before the sphere had even a chance to protest. Then the human cautiously stuck one hand into the water and let the lukewarm liquid spatter against her arm and send droplets against her. Chell was still starving, and now on top of that she was frighteningly thirsty (and she might be willing to admit she was smelly and needed another shower), and wanted nothing more than 5 minutes pause.

GLaDOS wasn't pleased by this. "You are aware the Moron-King is probably blowing up something that took hundreds of thousands of hours of testing to develop? And you probably don't care, do you?"

Truth be told... no, she cared very little.

"Which undoubtedly will include the elevator lift to the surface." GLaDOS finished.

Suddenly, Chell found herself caring a whole lot more. But not enough to stop drinking like she was a sponge. Chell found gathering the water in her cupped hands and bringing it to her mouth was taking far too long to quench her thirst, so she opted for a more direct route.

"I will agree though, if I had smell sensors, you definitely could use that shower." Taunting, GLaDOS took pleasure in her task. Chell mostly took pleasure in standing under the pouring water, mouth open and for a half second forgetting that breathing was necessary.

Coughing and sputtering, the woman wiped at her soaked hair, brushing her bangs out of her eyes. Orange had been about to approach the human to deliver a couple of pounds on the back to help her breath again, but the woman had breathing to an art was was fine Getting a good look at the test room, Chell quick figured this would be a simple test, taking no more than five minutes. It seemed the two bots didn't want to start without her. Of course – can't let the human miss the 'fun'.

Chell was going to have to teach the robots about irony.

...once she finished drinking.

"I see. Testing Subject Marshmallow is now under delusions that she is an aquatic mammal. Like a whale... which actually wouldn't be too far off." The passive aggressive comments from the AI were still on full tilt.

Chell quickly opened the foil pouch for the freeze dried chicken and managed to splash some of the water into the bag. Resealing the pouch, she pocketed it again to let it soak, and then decided it would be best to 'pre-water' the rest of the food she intended to eat any time soon.

"Wait!" GLaDOS halted her taunting, sounding a bit surprised. "Were you about to administer water to your _imitation peanut butter-and-jelly filled pseudo-grain bread_ sandwich?"

Wrinkling her nose, Chell suddenly found the idea of the sandwich was sounding kind of disgusting when put like that. But she nodded anyway. Chell had gone too long without food to be picky. And when fully dehydrated the sandwich had been fairly disgusting anyway.

"Then, you must enjoy _imitation peanut butter-and-jelly filled pseudo-grain bread_ _**soup.**_ The only type of dehydrated substances that require re-hydration are vegetables and meat. Re-hydrating junk food is an option- if it is _necessary _to drink it through a straw." The sphere recoiled a bit in Orange's arms in disgust.

Aaaand that just about killed any appetite Chell would EVER have for peanut butter and jelly at the very thought of _drinking _one. She merely pocketed it and pulled a few other pouches (and reading the labels carefully) poured water into them instead. While the food soaked in the water, it was time to push forward with progress.

GLaDOS gave a sharp order to Orange quite suddenly. "Return me to the Marshmallow for testing. I would prefer that if I am going to die, it would be due to a complete system failure and the collapse of the underground chambers... rather than complete idiocy."

Rolling her eyes, Chell lifted the sleeves of the jumpsuit, twisted them together and wrung them furiously. Water pretty much poured from her soaking clothes. Her hair was plastered against her head, and every step from the longfall boot was making an odd 'squish' sound. Wheatley had been water proof (to a certain extent, but being submerged long term was not something he would have enjoyed, he had told her), so GLaDOS had to be too.

But would she like it?

… actually, if the sphere _didn't _like it, all the better! Chell quickly took a hold of GLaDOS under one arm before the AI had a chance to protest. Consider it revenge. For the numerous and endless taunting the human had suffered from the sphere, this was going to have to do as far as 'petty revenge' went. Even Chell knew an off-hand compliment when she heard it at the sphere's insistence to be carried by the human. GLaDOS apparently had faith that the human wasn't going to be making any sort of stupid and lethal mistakes.

Chell was sort of attached to life, after all. GLaDOS wanted to return to her old body, and Chell was an expert at staying alive. The had similar goals... for the moment.

Carrying GLaDOS under one arm, the ASHPD in the other, and a pocket full of partially sealed, water filled foil packages wasn't exactly a testing appropriate status. But despite her impromptu shower with clothes on and sequential soaking and drinking like a sponge, Chell was pretty surprised she was still moving at her brisk pace. Especially after the concussion. And the burn to her leg. The bruises...

And cuts, scrapes, sore muscles, and potential brain damage and all, you know. The little things.

Blue was impatient to begin, and started moving his portals rather clumsily. With the three black prong arms at the front his portal device slightly off kilter from the long fall, Blue had yet to adapt to the small device firing to the side of his sight. Orange was rumbling commands or suggestions to Blue, using her ping tool while she set up her own portals in tandem. This left Chell to quickly bolt down the remainder of the faux PBJ 'sandwich' and crumple the foil package before offering a few solutions of her own.

Namely _'Please don't stand there, Blue. You will die'. _

GLaDOS gave a sigh of relief. "At least you take surviving seriously. Perhaps programming these two to accept they are disposable wasn't a strategically good idea." GLaDOS admitted.

Of course it wasn't a good idea! It was a bad idea like – well- putting idiots in charge of massively complex labs and expecting it not melt-down. At last the two bots didn't have the chance to actually form habits of dying if they got stuck, or accepting the idea they were expendable. The fact they were blank slates was both a blessing and a curse.

Well, aside from the fact they were blank slates that had mastered the art of hugging. After having his 'life' saved for the dozenth time with her small corrections, Blue was clinging to Chell in delight. Or maybe it was just hugging for the sake of hugging. At this point, she had no clue. And Chell had developed the behavior of going completely limp when snatched up by the robots. If GLaDOS were to use the giant robot claw on her at the surface when (read it... WHEN... not if!) they got there, she was going to feel pretty stupid just hanging there like a kitten.

Chell then had to quickly drag Orange out of the path of the blue repulsion gel. It probably wouldn't hurt the robots, their joints, or any of their circuits... but the orange colored robot would just look silly wearing her partner's colors. Chell gave the robot a exhausted look.

One that mostly said, _'Please don't bath in gel. You will die... probably.'_

Orange was very quick to avoid the gel, finishing the test with one last portal. The three of them were now free to leave the test chamber. Plodding forward with a limping gait Orange triggered Cave Johnson's scheduled tormenting by passing through the exit.

"This next test may have trace levels of time travel. So word of advice: if you meet yourself on the testing track, DON'T make eye contact. Lab guys say that will wipe out time. Entirely. Forward and backward. So do both of yourselves a favor and just let that handsome devil be go about his business." Cave Johnson sounded completely serious.

"You aren't very good at this whole 'covering your ears' thing, are you?" GLaDOS rolled her eye up to peer at the human from under Chell's arm.

The very concept of time travel was so alien to Chell that is was on par with quantum tunneling and thus was 'a horribly thing of brain stopping death'. Wait... wait, no, Chell HADN'T drank the coffee laced with calcium flouride... her mind was still scrambling and skipping about like a scratched record. GLaDOS's comments weren't really helping either, and the fumes from the Repulsion Gel seemed to be punching her somewhere in the cerebral cortex. Take that brain! Try to comprehend advanced physics and calculus when concussed!

Her brain promptly surrendered.

A decision was made, and it was spontaneous and purely hypothetical of course. A plan was conjured up to laugh in the face of death, spit in the eye of the reaper, and stand ready to brawl when they teamed up to drag her down. Cave Johnson's little 'house of insanity' project wasn't going to stop her! Nothing could stop her... aside from the lethal, everyday occurrences that seemed to be the 'norm' for this place. Which... pretty much pointed at everything and anything. Chell would be surprised if she hadn't contracted some exotic disease from opening a door. Those doors... my god...

_'Wow. This was like being paranoid AND psychotic at the same time!' _ Chell came back to her senses quite abruptly. _'I think 'fleeing for my brain's safety' is a fair choice in this area. Now to flee as safely and sanely as possible.'_ Chell gave a determined and gritty grin (if not a bit insane as well). Blinking, she found GLaDOS was staring at her with narrowed shutters.

"You just stared into space for about 4 minutes and 31 seconds. Humans do converse with themselves on occasion... but it's rare they whole a full debate and mock trial. You better have won the argument with yourself, otherwise ... that's just sad." GLaDOS rolled in her shell, shaking her optic as if in disappointment.

Chell gave the AI a frustrated look.

And it pretty much said, '_I'm mentally unstable, potentially homicidal, and STILL your best choice at surviving this place... What are you doing to do about it?'_ Followed by a fairly crazed grin.

Message delivered.

"We're doomed." GLaDOS groaned.

* * *

><p>Apparently, Aperture Science Personality Cores all had built in egg-timers, because five minutes after Chell had filled the foil pouches of freeze dried food with water, GLaDOS had informed her that the hydration process was complete. There also had been a mumbled bit about morons and irradiated-dehydration tech being superior to run-of-the-mill dehydration science.<p>

Chell REALLY was not in the mood to find out what horrible tests had been done to give the AI this impression. If there was one thing Cave Johnson had taught her (other than CEO's of Aperture were required to be legally insane) was _you were better off not knowing._

The three test subjects (and sphere) were all wedged in the metal elevator cage, carrying them to the next testing complex. With her jumpsuit still slightly damp, GLaDOS was set carefully on the floor, far away from the feet of the two testing robots. There was barely room to stand, let alone sit, so Chell was forced to lean against the mesh cage and fish out one of the foil packets from her pocket and eat standing up.

Or to be more clear 'to choke down what tasted like salted shoes'. The chicken hadn't really rehydrated properly. Or perhaps it hadn't taken the hundred or so years of being stored in stride. Chewing thoughtfully -and more vigorously than she could remember having tried to eat anything before- Chell wondered if it wasn't the production machine's fault the 'pbj sandwich' had come out so pathetic and that chicken seemed to be under the impression it was a rubber eraser. What would a machine know what chicken and sandwiches taste like?

Grimacing, Chell found a bite of the meat even more chewy than normal. Gristle? Fat? … Dehydrated synthetic protein? Uhg, the things she ate to keep living...

"Do you really have high expectations for emergency freeze dried rations that are over 451 years in age to taste like cake?" GLaDOS asked.

Freezing in mid-chew, Chell whipped her head around to look at GLaDOS in amazement. Whenever the AI bothered to be overly detailed about something, it was usually the truth (or an appended version of it). So if the AI said 451 years has passed... then...

The gold iris aperture eye widened, almost alarmed. "I can't believe... I just said that." GLaDOS sounded and even managed to look horrified. Then her shutters drew downwards in frustration. "This stupid core shell... it doesn't have the processing power to parse information to different partions while using the speaker system."

This was all greek to Chell.

But GLaDOS apparently felt the need to explain. "So you can understand... 'Data goes in, random truth-enhanced words go out.'" The sphere gave a shudder. "Exception Rule 3: Only the truth or hypothetical truth may be issued by the system. The way around this of course is to issue that truth to a secure partition that isn't spoken aloud and allow the enhanced truth to be broadcast" GLaDOS seemed darkly amused. "They are ways around the truth."

Well... ok, so that caused all the food in Chell's mouth to now taste like sand. _'Way to be freaking creepy, GLaDOS.' _Chell's tongue was sticking to the roof of her mouth. Still, 451 years... it did give her something to think about.

Swallowing thickly, Chell tried to finish off the 'food' and wondering if food poisoning could persist from several hundred years of storage. The elevator rattled and then dropped a few feet as the aged transport suddenly took in slack from the line and Orange fumbled across the tiny room. Chell dropped her food in an attempt to catch the unsteady robot, and Blue lunged forward as well to save his co-op partner from taking the short trip to the floor.

The result was Chell was trying to support a good 200+ pounds of robot and was being squashed against the metal cage, Blue had managed to catch Orange before his partner turned the human into mashed-human against the lattice work of the elevator, and GLaDOS had saved the chicken.

… ok, that was an overstatement. Chell had dropped the pouch and it hand landed on the sphere. Who was now glaring mightily up at the three leg-having test subjects. Damn those cocky leg-having bastards!

"There is not a strong enough word... for the amount of hate... running through my systems." GLaDOS huffed, her armor flexing outwards in fury. "I'm going to have to invent one."

Once able to breathe properly after the near-crushing, everyone shifted to a more comfortable spot in the long elevator ride. Chell was now sitting on the ground directly under the steady-footed Blue with GLaDOS in her lap. Orange was leaning against the wall of the elevator, her shoulder also leaning into Blue while the turret shaped bot kept weight off her damaged leg. And Blue - for the most part- looked like someone had given him a cake made of pure joy for having his various partners in close proximity to him. GLaDOS however, was anti-joy. The pouch of chicken hadn't landed on the sphere quite that easily. It had actually made quite a mess.

Chell was now wiping away the chicken flavored water off the white hull of the AI with her jumpsuit sleeve, nodding patiently with every comment GLaDOS had to make. "Eating is perhaps the most inefficient and _disgusting _ways of gaining energy ever!" Nod. "Perhaps the only thing more pointless and inefficiency would be that horrible little moron-sphere hijacking my facility!" Nod nod. "Not only that that _idiot_ hijack my systems, he claims he's stolen my test subject! The nerve!"

Giving another nod, Chell followed up with a slight humming sound, wiping the last of the 'imitation food' off GLaDOS. The AI had finally ranted herself into a standby mode, apparently tired out. "That... wiped my power cell. I'm rebooting." GLaDOS gave the warning, sounding breathless. Then she pulled her plates in tight and rolled slightly with gyros churning, setting into Chell's hand as she began the reboot cycle procedure.

It was all Chell could do not to cock her head to the side and go 'awww!' Her perception of cute was SERIOUSLY messed up. In fact, ball-peen hammers were ranking pretty high up there on the cute list. … yep... broken.

The elevator gave a second rumbling lurch, Blue grabbing onto Orange before the bot could go falling to the floor again and Chell latching onto his leg at the knee like a small frightened child. But the elevator didn't drop again, instead it rumbled up slowly and broke into the platform to a new testing chamber.

Never shy around testing, and still determined to see the two bots and the sphere safely through, Chell pulled herself up and left the elevator with a rebooting GLaDOS in one arm and her ASHPD in the other.

She was then ambushed by a Cave Johnson recording. Which was apparently set up by ninja and all their stealth ambush glory.

"Olympians, astronauts, or seasoned war veterans, if you've made it this far then spin me around and color me surprised! We've been trying to get data on these next tests for weeks, but between the issue with the elevators... breaking... and the sudden lack of moxie for _science_ we've usually been pulling subjects out of testing for their safety." Cave spat the word 'safety' like it was a horrible plague.

"In fact, lab boys are in here right now, whining about the second portion of the test being –and I quote verbatim – 'unfit for even those trained monkeys to run through, unless we have a limitless supply of monkeys... or one immortal one'. And I say this to those lab boys... Why DON'T we have an immortal yet? Get your project back on the ball, you pencil-pushing band-camp chem-lab assistant!"

Chell would have to now admit two things about Cave Johnson. He had balls... and some really creative insults.

"AND NOW, they are insisting on improving safety on perfectly usable tests! Aside from the elevator ride, which you've obviously survived, Test Subjects, the most dangerous thing in this room would be getting your highly skilled hiney stuck in the elevator doors as they close behind you. Sorry... they... kind of bang." Cave's warning came only a split second after Blue left the elevator, nearly getting his chassis amputated from his limbs in the process.

Orange and Blue had instructions to only deactivate their hearing for 30 seconds after Cave started his rant. The man had been going for the full 30 seconds now with full steam ahead and no intention of stopping the recording any time soon. So the two testing bots reactivated their hearing, with no instruction from GLaDOS to do otherwise. Now able to hear the former-CEO speaking, Blue gave a rumble of confusion. Orange no longer seemed to trust elevators now. And Chell was standing there, holding the rebooting GLaDOS, and now developing a theory that it was _required _for anyone in an upper management position to be legally insane.

There was a brief pause, but the PA was still playing the recorded message. There was the sound of someone in the background of the recording speaking. Cave answered the speaker, possibly forgetting the recording was still running, "Fine, you want to make doors that open on command for someone? Some sort of crazy 'safety door', then be my guest, because you are fired!" Cave was either going off on come crazy tangent in his recorded voice, or there was some kind of genius point to this.

Or a _crazy _genius opinion.

… or maybe just crazy.

The rest of Cave Johnson's rant was directed to a scientist apparently in the lab who was now/then fired. Immortalized forever as _'The Scientist who got fired from Aperture and then invented the Automatic door'._

Vaguely, Chell remembered writing a paper on that guy in school.

Small world.


	18. Elevator Jenga

I am so very sorry it took me so long to get this chapter done! It was half done for a long time, but my muse was unable to give me any help, and my beta vanished into the winds... My laptop (the one I screwed with and could only use Vista on) has finally died. I mourn my lappy, and now I have to write only at home on my desktop. And unfortunately my friends are encouraging me to minecraft/tf2/l4d a lot. I will say though, when it comes to building lethal traps with lava, I am a god! Screw you, Creepers! Screw you, Enderman! … and screw anyone who tries to teleport to me. Its usually a HORRIBLE idea to teleport to me. Bad things... happen.

*queue 10 minutes of diabolical laughing*

Anyway, I know this was an appalling length between my last update. My beta has been fired.

Out of a cannon.

And a new beta was hired! Huzza! Thank you for your help being my new beta, Jaime! This chapter will be a little bit longer than normal as an apology for being so late in updating. As a note, both me and Jaime are going to be doing the NaNoMo challenge. Without giving away vital plot points, I've chosen the topic of 'Zombies'... to the tune of 'Comedy/Nature Documentary".

Because I haven't destroyed enough brain cells laughing yet.

Gaarafangirl91 - Yes. There will be Frankenturrets. I love those poor little guys too much not to involve them in this plot.

Anonymous fanfic lover - The sad thing is have heavily edited several thousand words out, because I assume the max length per chapter anyone has the attention span for on the internet is 10 pages. I could be wrong though. I have also use both macs and PC's, but Vista hate me! Really! Terrible things happen to me around Vista! *and on a related note* And l4d is awesome! l4d2 is MOAR awesome. And the weekly mutation of TAAAAAAANK is by far my favorite. I cry happy tears of happiness when it comes around. Rrararrrwww *snort*

Charlotte - There MIGHT be a portal 3... but in the same way that HalfLife was suppose to have an episode 3... it might just be very very delayed until they get a few other games out. I did hear they are planning on releasing an additional 8 hours of puzzles, non-plot related, as a Steam downloadable. They are working with a few fan-map designers with it, but it too may take a loooong time. Or it could all just be a rumor to drive me crazy. In which case, it's working.

Sarcasm Still Valid – Chapter 18 - 10/27/11

* * *

><p>After the last rant, by Cave Johnston (Crazy Bastard LTD Services), Chell was left holding an off-line personality core and guiding a bewildered Orange and Blue into the test itself. Seeing that she was now the 'voice' of authority (as well as a figurehead for irony everywhere), Chell silently encouraged Orange to give the test a shot, nudging the bot from behind into the room.<p>

There was just one testing module left in this section, and it was a quick ten minutes later that Orange solved the whole thing on her own. Chell merely stood back and watched as the bot solved the test without any aid or support. Not once did the fem-bot make a single mistake, each portal carefully considered and placed, so when the way to the lift was clear Chell was smiling broadly, and would have applauded if she had free hands.

Blue decided on giving his testing partner a bolt-rattling hug, their two chassis crashing together with all the volume of a five car pile-up. Orange gave a feeble protest but it was more than obvious she was enjoying the praise all around. Perhaps Chell could figure out how to pass that message on to GLaDOS – praise and positive reinforcement was SO much more convincing in tests rather than neurotoxin and sarcastic quips, no matter how hilarious the sarcasm was.

The personality sphere gave a crackle of static and the gold eye snapped open quickly as her systems finished their reboot. "Whoa. How long was I out? … internal time is blinking 12:00... oh that moronic idiot." GLaDOS hissed in frustration. "None of the core's systems were calibrated before I was crammed in here. Great" she muttered.

Chell cocked her head. Even after rebooting, GLaDOS seemed – off. Something wasn't right. But without some kind of advanced degree in engineering, Chell couldn't have even taken a guess what was wrong with the AI.

… other than the fact she was a sociopathic, murderous, spiteful computer. That was a pretty big 'wrong' in Chell's book.

Making a quick gesture towards the elevator, the to bots followed the human out of the testing chamber and thus began another game of Elevator Jenga, trying to get all three (and a sphere) to fit in an elevator really only made for one. They assumed their 'normal' elevator riding position, Chell on the floor leaning against Blue's leg, and GLaDOS tucked carefully into her lap. Orange was to the side, also leaning against the squat robot, with her damaged leg resting lightly on the ground, and Blue in the middle – LIKE A BOSS.

He was developing a complex.

The elevator deposited them in an area that looked surprisingly like the lobby they had just come through earlier. Grand marble flooring, dusty and crumbling leather furniture, and a red carpet that was becoming threadbare was the overall decor. Like the lower lobby, Cave Johnson's recorded legacy was waiting for them before they could leave the cramped elevator.

"Congratulations!" Cave's voice startled Blue, who lunged forward to cling to Orange in paranoia. Orange fumbled her ASHPD, nearly dropping it on Chell's head. Chell flinched in surprise from her sitting position, curling herself around GLaDOS's core and jerking her knees up. Her heart took a leave of absence in fear at the sudden shout. _'Go pick up the slack, liver!'_

_'Screw you, I'm still on break!' _ Chell's liver complained.

_'Fine! But some day I'll quit!' _ Her heart resumed beating again, _'and then you'll all be sorry!' _

Cave Johnson's voice was a bit calmer this time when he started speaking again. "The simple fact you are standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science! Unless you are the cleaning crew. Hey, janitors, you missed that spot in test chamber 5. It's starting to smell funny. Go clean it up," Cave ordered.

The core gave a muffled attempt at speaking but because the AI was pressed into Chell's stomach this left her no way to broadcast clearly. GLaDOS's handles wiggled in irritation, poking Chell in the stomach. Sheepishly, she withdrew the core and held her upright to hear what she had said better. GLaDOS paused and looked up at Chell in irritation.

"The moron was right. It IS fluff … we'll have to work on that. You shouldn't need so much fluff," GLaDOS said critically, but her lower handle raised in mirth.

Oh, the taunting... it was SO FRUSTRATING and yeta crazy section of Chell's brain loved it. _That _section of her brain was also currently trying to find things to rhyme with 'guacamole' and was getting louder and louder with every blow to the head she took. It was best to ignore that part.

"You might want to prevent any future mental scarring that Former-CEO Cave Johnson will undoubtedly deliver," GLaDOS warned, and Chell winced yet again as Cave's rant began to pick up in volume.

Lifting both hands to her head and covering her ears, Chell ignored Cave's words as the man descended into a full blown rant. With both hands needed to block out the noise, she couldn't tie GLaDOS into the harness, so the core was left on Chell's lap glaring at the speaker systems as the former-CEO continued his tirade. If Chell had to take a guess, he was probably complaining thatthe sky was blue, water was wet, gravity was getting in the way of progress and, 'WHO THE HELL MADE THIS MESS IN THE LAB? Your mother doesn't work here, go clean it up!'

Wanting to take a look about while Chell waited out the message, Orange tried to disengage Blue from her chassis but the squat robot refused to let go. His eye was darting about the room in suspicion that Cave Johnson himself, armed with a bucket of Repulsion Gel, was going to spring out at them, bounce them all off the platform, and then gloat about it. Giving up on peeling her partner off her chassis, Orange pointed into the lobby and cocked her core as if to ask permission to go out, eager to explore, and to take her partner with as he absolutely refused to let her go.

_'… So... freaking adorable.'_

Chell gave the bot a thumbs up but also caught three words strung together by Cave from his rant that almost put her into another stupor. She quickly jammed her palms over her ears again. Thank god she caught only three words. Getting five words in a row when Cave Johnson was in a rant was known to cause comas in lesser mortals.

Counting off thirty seconds in her head, Chell removed her hands and listened carefully. The mighty CEO seemed to have finished his message and there was only blissful silence.

"He's not done yet," GLaDOS warned suddenly.

"Dammit, one of the lab boys just caught fire! Gentlemen, the lovely Caroline will do the honors of seeing you out from here. Excuse me... I have to go find a fire extinguisher... and a good stiff drink for that kid," Cave grumbled.

Chell didn't cover her ears again despite that. Caroline seemed much less _insane_ than Cave and now that Chell had a brief moment where someone wasn't taunting her or causing mental trauma, she was going to haul ass out of there. The lab rat jumped up quickly and began binding GLaDOS back into the makeshift harness.

There was a click and a slight bit of feedback from the recording before Caroline's voice spoke. "Good evening! Or technically very-early-morning, as it may be. If you gentlemen have completed testingthen we have retained a limo service waiting for you. Please proceed to the valet and our driver will see you off the premise until we have prepared a new series of tests for you." The speaker system gave another crackle, and Caroline's voice resumed the message, "I am glad, on behalf of Aperture, that you have used the culmination of your skills to avoid any injury, maiming, brain trauma, or damage to company property during your testing" Caroline's recording echoed around the hall.

Chell blinked, her hands halting in tying the sphere in with the harness. _'Sure, I missed out on the generation where they apologize for brain damage and got stuck with future-computers who enjoy causing it __instead,__'_ she thought and sighed, knotting the harness one last time.

From the harness, the sphere gave a strange movement. GLaDOS was trembling. No wait, she was shuddering – twitching as if her gyros were suddenly thrown completely out of calibration. In alarm, Chell rolled the sphere up and turned the core's optic to face her. The strange fit seemed to end the moment she was touched and the bright gold eye was staring out at the human with confusion. The confusion morphed into irritation and the gold iris went from a tiny dot to the recognizable aperture.

Chell's expression had been one of hesitant worry, her lips pursed slightly and her eyebrows lifted in concern. The computer had picked up on the expression on Chell's face instantly even though the human swore to master the art of the poker face (or build a tin foil hat just in case it was some sort of computer based ESP.)

"We don't have time to be sitting around listening to tasteless office banter. We have to get back up to the Enrichment Center while it still exists," the AI said, thenquickly added, "and I'm fine—all things considered."

Even at only a fraction of AI's intellect (with that number getting smaller with every blow to the skull), Chell could tell denial when she heard it. If GLaDOS wanted to play defensive, Chell was set on letting the AI do just that. If GLaDOS wanted to play tag with some turrets – now that was a different matter.

Working a limp from her sore legs, Chell followed after the path her two testing partners had taken. In the lobby, Blue had pried off a barricade of wood that had been hammered over a door and failed to notice the human's arrival. At the sound of Chell's footsteps, Orange looked up from the desk she was sifting through, gave a happy trill and then commenced waving: version 3.1 (the new and improved, more enjoyable version of waving downloaded from Blue's database).

"Results seem to indicate that the Testing Initiative pair only need to successfully perform an action once for them to have learned a behavior. Thank you so much for teaching them the vastly under-appreciated art of 'ransacking'," GLaDOS said, sounded more intrigued than irritated. "What are they looking for?"

The question was answered when Orange gave a chatter of triumph, holding up a small sheaf of papers that were yellowed and crinkled with age. In the bot's other hand was a small pencil still perfectly sharpened by a meticulous hand.

Orange handed the materials to Chell, who looked at them in confusion before it hit her what the testing bot was trying to do. Since the human couldn't speak and the bots were succeeding only half the time on figuring out what her gestures meant, Chell could write on the pad for them... and possibly draw GLaDOS a little picture to annoy her. It sounded excellent, and anything to be MORE annoying! Only Chell really had nothing to say. If writing in front of all GLaDOS's cameras was intimidating, then writing on a little pad of paper in front of two bots, who found her to be the most fascinating thing with thumbs they had ever seen – was more than a little daunting.

"Oh please, you could write Shakespeare in the style of Dr. Seuss and they would think it was the most marvelous drivel to have ever been created," GLaDOS gave a simulated snort, "Green Eggs and Hamlet."

The sad thing: Chell started to imagine it too.

With sock puppets.

The human was amused just thinking it over then she started to worry about her mental sanity, which technically made two of them.

"Did you know you just spent ten minutes staring into space with a slowly spreading look of stupid delight on your face?" GLaDOS queried.

Chell grimaced and nodded. Anything to prevent more mental trauma, even pointless daydreaming, was better than the alternative.

"Just making sure this was standard operating procedure for mute lunatics. I shall log this in your permanent file. Right next to 'unlikable'," the AI huffed, still sore on the subject.

Blue had finished breaking apart the barricade, choosing to just heave himself at it like a robotic wrecking ball and bust through. The door beyond lead into what appeared to be the maintenance section full of ancient computers and churning pipes of gel. It seemed as good of a way to go as any other and Blue was determined to lead the way this time.

"Good job, Blue. Why bother using complex tools, or even basic levers, when you are made of a titanium hull and many fragile components? Your future bodies will be constructed of tinker-toys and plastic." GLaDOS disapproved of the brute force method, but as far as Chell could tell the AI also disapproved of so many things it probably would be easier to list the thing she _didn't _disapprove of.

* * *

><p>Taking the path that Blue found seemed to lead on a whip-back path through the underground facility. The papers in Chell's pocket crinkled with each step and she was now full of questions she wanted to ask, but any answer GLaDOS gave had an equal chance of also being a lie. If it was a question about Chell's own past, it was almost a guaranteed chance of being a lie. It was like that riddle "One guard always tells the truth, and the other guard lies," but Chell didn't remember the solution to that puzzle or even the rest of the task you were supposed to find out from the two guards.<p>

How odd... she could remember her first name, but no last name. She was fairly certain if pressed she could list all the state capitols, but she had no clue where she must have lived outside of Aperture. She couldn't even remember what year it had been when she first woke up for testing those many years ago. Whatever had smashed her memories apart had left them like a puzzle being stuffed back into the box – all the pieces were probably there (disregarding the few that are sacrificed to the great Puzzle God who demands at least 1 piece to every puzzle), but her memories weren't in any sort of order.

What could even cause that?

For some reason, Chell could hear Wheatley warning her she had a very mild case of 'Serious Brain Damage'. Her eye twitched slightly. If that was in her permanent records, she was going to work over the DOS hard drive with a magnet.

Still, Chell had no intention of writing that question on the pad of paper either. Mostly for two important reason. One: Chell probably would not like the answer ("Congratulations! You have deadly brain cancer!") or Two: GLaDOS actually didn't seem to realize that Chell had no memories. And Chell wasn't about to give the AI that knowledge. She stubbornly kept the questions bouncing around in her head, the curiosity burning a hole in her will power.

Chell wondered briefly if this was what it was like to be a cat – Her entire existence revolved around ignoring the AI... and ruining furniture, tests, and breaking things when curiosity-attacks insisted that she poke her nose around.

"Whatever question is burning in your little head, ask before you burn out some MORE neurons." GLaDOS's eye was focused on Chell's face, reading her like a book. It was _still _unsettling to have a computer do that.

Refusing to ask a question now might make GLaDOS suspicious or even more paranoid. She would have to at least ask something. Chell scribbled down the most prominent non-personal question she could. There was no point in deluding herself that anything related to her own past would be truthful coming from GLaDOS.

The pencil scrawl in block print flaked into graphite dust as she wrote "_How long have we been down here?"_

The AI paused, making a frustrated sound. "How should I know? The moron didn't set up any of my systems before we fell to our near-death. Its been blinking 12:00 since we fell. When I get back into my body, first thing I'm doing is destroying _**his**_ clock function. The Moron-King will think he's suddenly gained the ability to travel in time to 12:00 each day," GLaDOS rolled her eye over to the testing pair, "Orange, report how long since our departure from the Enrichment Center" GLaDOS called to the bot directly behind Chell.

Giving a tittering chatter, Orange appeared to count, and then settled on a number.

"Three hours. Really? It seemed like more." GLaDOS seemed disoriented now, similar to Chell's daze she had suffered from the concussion... could AI get concussions?

Using the same scrap of paper, Chell scribbled out another question.

"_How long until the turbines blow out and destroy this area?" _Ah, optimism. Always looking on the bright side of 'So we are all going to die in a fire'.

"All approximations are made assuming the moron at least has his own self-preservation in mind, _which he doesn't_, and fails to blow himself up with rocket-turrets. Twenty-four hours before complete system damage and destruction if he completely neglects the turbines. Twelve hours if he tries to pressure them into giving more power."

There still were questions Chell had: about her family, why she was a lab subject, what had happened in the past 400 years, and if she was asking difficult questions maybe,_ 'how do I do my income taxes when I have backpay as a lab subject for the past 400+ years',_ but none of those questions would help her get out of this place any faster. Chell wasn't going to lean on GLaDOS for info any more than she needed to. It was still a sore mark for both of them to be working together like this. No need to make them both upset with pointless questions.

…

Ok, so there was time for ONE petty remark.

_ "42" _ Chell suddenly scribbled on the paper. '_Lets see the AI answer this, or rather, give the question to_ _the answer,' _she thought.

GLaDOS suddenly had another twitching fit, this one completely unrelated to the strange problem she was having earlier. "I have access to all data in the recorded history of mankind. I have top-secret classified information from Black Mesa's 'Great Idiot Period'. I have decoded the human genome into individual sequences and could make you glow like a jellyfish... and now you taunt my processing power with... YES, I HAVE READ THAT BOOK," GLaDOS growled, her voice modulator dropping an octave and rising in volume.

Chell gave a bright chime of laughter, placing the pad of paper back into her pocket and tucking the pencil behind her ear. Annoying all powerful and sarcastic computers? It was by far the meaning of life. Or maybe it was 'Truth, Love, and Everything.' It could be that too. It was a vague answer, anyway.

The hall opened back into the mine shaft, and was now facing a Control Room. It was promising. Chell hoped Blue didn't go into some kind of sensory overload here and enter 'PRESS ALL THE BUTTONS' mode. That could only end in tears.

Or exploding.

The longfall boots made a dull 'pok' against the stone ground, but were completely drown out when there was a pop and squeal as the PA flared to life. Chell prepared herself for the 'wisdom' of Cave Johnson, CEO, and she assumed the position.

However, said 'position' was the 'tornado drill' position with both arms thrown over her neck and curled over her knees.

"Cover your ears, not your neck. Former CEO-Cave Johnson generally doesn't go around snapping necks..." GLaDOS said briskly, "... generally." Chell, however, remained in the position and simply ignored the man's rant as she observed the area. The human could ignore almost anything. A few dozen tests under GLaDOS and you either developed that talent or you went insane.

Though the AI would probably argue "or both".

This section of the lab looked different, old but not in the same elegance of the lowest section. If anything, it screamed '_70's interior designers ravaged our lab when we weren't watching.'_ It was just missing shag rug and faux-wood paneling, and also it needed some lab boy with long hair, thick rimmed glasses, and an unfashionable mustache. That was pretty much the spirit of the 70s, really REALLY bad hair.

Cave's announcement was still running while this went on, "-and you've most likely used one of the many products we've invented... but that people have somehow managed to steal from us. Black Mesa can eat my bankrup-," Cave growled.

"Sir, the testing?" Caroline's concerned voice stopped Cave.

GLaDOS made a sudden movement that caught Chell's eye. The sphere was having another strange reaction – theshutters were twitching and her hull plates trembled. In alarm, Chell dropped her hands to reach to the sphere but, at that moment, the gold eye went dim and the lidded shutters slammed shut. There was still the familiar hum of the power source running, and the grind and tick of the processors as a reboot went underway.

_'Dammit, you pick the worst times to restart,' _Chell frownedin thought. Her heart had come to visit her uvula in her throat, said hello, and then had thrown itself back down her esophagus in a sensation that wasn't at all pleasant. Now realizing the AI was just doing a reboot, her heart rate began to slow back down.

A deafening clank caused Chell's heart to make a repeat visit up her throat and she jerked the helpless core against her chest as she wheeled in alarm. The mechanical drawbridge was lowering to the next testing bubble, the gears squealing in protest from disuse. Blue was waving happily in a control box ahead having found the button to unseal the way. In a much higher level of the control station, Orange was charging around the booth wildly, both hands over the top of her core. With all the grace of a bulldozer on ice, the slender bot slammed through the heavy doors and twisted them closed behind her quickly. Then the bot fled the area, portaling herself to the ground while giving a fearful backwards glance towards the room.

In Orange's arms were a couple of potatoes, and fluttering out the window was a loud crow cawing angrily at the theft of it's meal. The robot retreated to Chell and ducked behind the human, apparently unaware the little bird could do no real damage to a metal robot. Chell waved a hand at the bird to shoo it off. Upset, the crow ruffled a few feathers and left to perch on a railing high above, glaring at them with all the malice a little bird had.

Pulling out the pad of paper, Chell scratched a message. _"You really didn't __have__to steal potatoes from a bird. Really." _ Chell gave Orange an amused smile, but accepted the potatoes anyway. She had no clue how she was going to carry all this.

Her pockets were full of half-sealed foil pouches of re-hydrated food, a notebook of crumbling paper, and an aged pencil. She would willingly and gladly listen to GLaDOS's complaining about her mysterious 'weight gain' if it meant never eating her own attempted concoction of half-cooked/half-raw potatoes again. But the instinct to hoard food was simply too great to just leave it behind. Sifting through the potatoes, Chell weeded out the ones that had been nibbled by the bird or were beginning to go 'feral' by growing roots, leaves, and masquerading as a plant. Most of the potatoes had grown so many eyes that the term 'voyeur' was applicable.

Keeping only two of the potatoes, Chell managed to stuff one in each pocket but just barely. It was like her pants had turned into a hamster, and she was positive the amount of ribbing she was going to get from the personality core was going to be somewhere between 'endless' and 'obscene'. Tossing the rest of the potatoes back at the crow, the human was a little surprised to find the bird ignored the vegetables and hopped along the railing to keep pace with her. It probably didn't know to fear humans.

… and in hindsight, the same could be said for Chell not knowing any better to fear sociopathic AI. Ah well, lesson learned the hard way. Nothing a good hard concussion probably wouldn't relieve her the memory of. At this rate she was collecting concussions and bruises like a child collecting pokemon. One more, and it was bound to be the grand-master Shiny concussion, uber rare and – Chell immediately realized she was in some sort of daze and quickly pulled herself out.

Orange had been guiding the dazed woman along the catwalk, palms flat on her back. By the time Chell realized she was being herded, she was already in the elevator and wondering just how she'd gotten there. _ 'I'm not that bad, am I?' _Chell wondered, pointing at herself and putting on an expression she hoped could be interpreted correctly.

The female-like robot seemed to judge Chell's shame-faced expression correctly in a way that would have had GLaDOS awarding science points like Mardi Gras beads. The robot actually nodded. _'Yes... that bad.' _

Blue flipped the lever in the elevator and tried to press himself against the wall to give the others room to get adjusted into their spots. Chell dropped to her knees, bending forward so she wouldn't bump her head on the two bots above her, and Orange leaned against her partner to relieve the stress on her leg. It didn't look like Orange was in pain, just mostly frustrated by the damage.

From behind the human in the harness, there was the buzz and rumble as GLaDOS came back online. "Ok, I'm awake again. Let me run a system cycle here. Something still isn't right, well... aside from the fact I'm in a worthless personality core, in the sub-levels of Aperture, surrounded by fools and murderous lunatics, with very little prospect of getting back into my body without a plan... WHICH WE DON'T HAVE." The voice of the machine went from the smooth monotone to a progressively louder, faster, and more upset tone until she belted out the last bit. "-I'm fine" she bit out tersely.

Chell adjusted the sphere to rest in her lap, nearly hitting her head against the side of Blue's chassis. Then she pointed at herself and gave a weak but fair attempt at a smile. _'Yeah, but this time you've got that murderous lunatic working for you now.'_ She didn't write this down, of course. No point in saying 'I'll work for you', to an AI who never forgets and stuffed almost all of Aperture's own scientists in a freezer. It was a good way to wind up as an ice cube when this was all over.

GLaDOS looked the human over yet again. "Ok, so you are helping. Or you _think _you are at least... but at this rate, you are going to gain 50 pounds... in your pants alone. NORMAL humans use pick-up lines like 'is that a potato down the _front _of your pants, or are you just happy to see me.' Dual potatoes in each pocket is hardly necessary, nor will any males find it ap-peeling," she taunted. Then she paused, "oh wait... that was a potato-pun, wasn't it? Ha. Ha. Ha."

Chell honestly wasn't sure if she was more horrified at the mocking sarcasm or the potential joke from the AI.

* * *

><p>Upon being dispensed into the newest testing area, Chell found she had just zoned out for the ride and suddenly realized they had arrived as if seconds only had passed. She was exhausted and unsure what to blame on the concussion and what to blame on just being tired and uncomfortable. Chell was unsure how long she could keep up this kind of pace.<p>

GLaDOS was most definitely taking note of the human's condition. Before the personality core could say anything though -scathing or accusatory- the familiar voice of Cave Johnson popped over the PA. "The testing area is just up ahead. The quicker you get through, the quicker you get your sixty bucks. Then you can go spend it on booze made in a bucket. Fine vintage, 1959 de buckett'e," he taunted as if waving a carrot in front of a horse.

GLaDOS also noticed Chell wasn't bothering to cover her ears. "Given up on preventing mental damage? Just as well. Insurance claims require me to write off your mind as a total loss."

At this, Chell gave a faint laugh.

"Caroline, are their compensation vouchers ready?" Cave said quieter, apparently trying to cover the mic with his hand at that point in the ancient recording.

"Yes Sir Mr Johnson." both GLaDOS and Caroline spoke in perfect tandem.

Chell preformed a double take. One second GLaDOS had been taunting her and ignoring the announcement, the next she was quoting it quite verbatim.

Raising her eyebrow, Chell non-verbally asked the question hovering over them. _'What was that all about?'_

"I have to restart again," GLaDOS said with a good deal of finality, **also **sounding just the slightest bit frightened.

_'Again?' _ The look of doubt doubled. The AI had just FINISHED restarting not even five minutes ago! Chell suspected the AI was having trouble with her own memory/power systems, which made two of them with serious 'brain' injuries.

That was ironic... like karma. '_A karma that flips off both sides, insults our mothers, and then storms off to go find a stiff drink,'_ Chell thought. THAT was the kind of karma Cave Johnson liked. That karma has moxie! '_We could use some karma like you here, kid, stick around!' _she could almost hear him say.

… yeah... there really was something wrong with her mind. Chell sighed, carefully placing her palm over her forehead, and gave a dejected whimper.

GLaDOS shut down for yet another reboot without another word. Chell went to go catch up to the two testing bots who had spattered some sort of orange gel across the floor. They were regarding it with the paranoia and care that Chell had instilled into them. Whatever the goo was, it was similar to the Repulsion Gel in consistency but not in color. No one was sure what to make of it.

Blue volunteered himself for testing this new and unknown gel. Testing, he tried jumping on it but found it to be slippery as hell. After nearly falling on his chassis, he came across an idea that it was sort of like 'ice', and tried ice skating on it, which is how Blue plowed into Chell and slammed both of them into a wall a split second later.

_CRUNCH! _And it was followed shortly by a robotic version of 'ow' and a sharp whimper from the human.

_'I've got it, it's propulsion goo!'_ She thought to herself with great irony, as if she had cracked some sort of great mystery... and had cracked her head again too. Blood was tricking over her lips from her nose and she cupped her face for a few minutes to get it to stop. Did she still remember her name? Marshm-CHELL, her name was Chell! ... Yeah, that was good.

Blue gave a cry of alarm at having damaged his _boss's_ human, and Orange quickly rushed over as fast as possible on a bum leg, and began fussing over her like a mother hen. The woman's head spun sickeningly, not so much from the blow but from the Propulsion Gel. It smelled like burning tires, ammonia, and horseradish. It cleared out her sinuses in a hurry, but that was probably because her brain had just liquified and was trying to slosh free. It made her head pound, and her stomach churned like a spinning blender. If this gel was half as toxic as it smelled, then she'dmark it down at yet _another _thing down here that would potentially kill her.

So far the only thing that hadn't tried were the potatoes. _'Though,' _Chell gave pause, _'give them enough time and they would try.'_

Shaking off the two bots, Chell insistently pointed at the exit. The nose bleed had stopped, though a few drops of blood now dotted the front of her tanktop. Orange gave a mournful chirp and disengaged from the hug, but there was no room for argument in Chell's expression. Both the bots needed to work together to solve the test to get out of the room and -not for the first time- Chell was grateful for their presence. The smell of the gel alone was making her dizzy and light headed, everything was muddled as she had tried to place her portals. It took the bots maybe twenty minutes to get them all out, the limping Orange giving them the most difficulty on the slippery Propulsion Gel, but they had all cleared the test without further injury.

However, they had made it through that twenty minute long test and GLaDOS still had not restarted yet. That did not bode well. There was nothing any of them could do to get her to reboot any faster. The core's small systems were still clicking and humming as power tried to get the optical discs working properly.

Continuing onwards, Chell found the nauseating smell had pretty much burned through her senses, so she couldn't smell, or even taste anything. A foil pouch of food she nibbled on between tests to keep her rumbling stomach at bay had no taste at all, making it as appealing as sawdust.

She read the label again. _'Oh wait,'_ Chell thought, _'no that would be the food itself.' _She had just eaten powdered matzo balls, minus any sort of chicken broth. _'It's like licking a beach.'_ She quickly washed down the gritty powder with what was left of the water in another pouch.

Two more tests in the Propulsion Gel chambers, and the human had fully adapted to the stench of gel. Blue was an adept master at flinging himself down a strip of orange gel to portal through at terminal velocity. Blue was also a master at flinging himself headfirst into danger and coming out miraculously ok though, so whether this was skill or an excess of dumb luck, Chell didn't really know. Orange could only watch with a longing expression as the more mobile bot finished the test with athletic aplomb.

It was in the hall to the next test where GLaDOS came back online. Chell stopped, halting the two testing bots, so she could check on GLaDOS.

"Why did you stop? I'm fine!" The AI tried to insist.

Chell didn't believe it. She was quite accomplished in not believing things GLaDOS had to say. So while she stood there giving GLaDOS a stern look until the AI felt the need to share or tell her off, Blue and Orange spread out down the hall in curiosity.

"Keep moving!" GLaDOS said sounding frustrated. "We really do NOT have time to stand around. I doubt you have the attention span to focus on testing, walk, and listen at the same time."

Sadly... GLaDOS was probably right. The repeat-concussion really made it difficult to concentrate.

Orange was only a few feet down the hall, her eye illuminating a chart of hazardous materials that she was looking at. Blue's guide lights were visible further down the hall. There was a garbled chatter of joy from the shorter bot and he came pounding down the hall to them. Pointing back at where he had rushed in from, Blue held his hands up indicating a door, but then started drawing shapes with his hands.

His pantomimes were very poor, and Chell wasn't sure if he had found a way out or if he was struck by an urge to do a hand-jive dance. '_What's wrong Lassie, Timmy fall down the well again?' _Chell raised an eyebrow, listening to his tone rather than the words without much success. Her gaze dropped to GLaDOS in confusion.

The AI was already watching her. "He said – in his complete idiot tone- he found an elevator shaft that has been failed to be sealed. There is no elevator car, but the walls are all suitable for portals," GLaDOS translated. She hesitateda moment then said**,** "He also would like to add... and these are _his_ words, not mine – _'it's color explosion in there!'_ and I have no clue what he means by that." The gold eye narrowed and the upper most handle raised in an emulation of a human arching their eyebrow in doubt.

It was a way out of here that didn't involve testing though. Elevator = surface = escape!

See Chell Run (towards the elevator shaft). Run, Chell, Run!

See Chell decide portaling is faster.

See Chell portal through the quantum foam of reality so fast she was pretty sure she caught sight of her past self from a few seconds earlier. But for the sake of not destroying time... Chell said nothing and didn't make eye contact. OR... she could have been hallucinating the whole thing.

Brain damage would do that to a person.

Running down the hallway, it then occurred to Chell that she should wait for the robots to catch her after her euphoria fueled speed dash.

"My god, you never moved that fast in testing," GLaDOS's eye widened, "not even when I released those experimental turrets that were supposed to catch fire and shoot flaming bullets."

Either GLaDOS was tormenting her again, or her memory was full of more holes than swiss cheese because she could not remember that. It was probably a good thing. Her nightmares didn't need any assistance in conjuring up horrifying terrors.

Blue lead them around a corner and through the crumbled splinters of what had been another barricade. There was indeed an elevator shaft, that bit was self explanatory, but the 'color explosion' made more sense once they saw it. The ENTIRE shaft of the elevator was doused in blue, orange, and white goo that had long since dried. The blue and orange gel they were all familiar with. The white gel? Unknown, and if Chell applied current Aperture Brand Logic(tm) to the stuff: Itwould probably cause tumors or something.

Blue volunteered himself for testing this new and unknown gel. Cautiously, he tried jumping on a patch of the white substance but found wasn't bouncy or slippery. Unsure of what else to do, Blue tried punching it, kicking it, poking at it to see if it could be peeled off, and then returned to stomping on it in frustration by the complete lack of reaction. Orangewasbaffled over the white spattered surfaces as well, but the lack of progress was makingher twitchy.

Unbeknownst to Chell, Orange had adapted her 'itchy trigger finger' whenever she was thinking. It was a nervous habit – when confronted with a particularly tough puzzle, Chell would pull the trigger of the ASHPD and listen to the sound as portals sparked as they failed to open against the surfaces.

Except Orange had her portal aimed under Blue's feet, and all three of them were completely shocked when a portal spun open fromunder the stout bot and onto the patch of gel.

Blue was probably just a little _more _surprised than the other two, most likely, as the ground vanished and he shot feet first from a hole on the wall, and tumbled back down the elevator shaft about ten feet to land optic down.

Swooping forward, Chell hauled him back to his feet in alarm. Blue gave a random assortment of beeps, swaying unsteadily. Chell interpreted it as_ 'I have developed a robotic concussion. Allow me to reboot, my good lady!'_ And thus is was, and Blue did reboot greatly, and there was much rejoicing. Well, no not really, but Chell did give him a sad smile and nodded in acknowledgment. _'It must be NICE to be able to reboot concussions away' _the human thought.

Well, that did answer the question on what the white gel did. It made portal surfaces, but there was still the question of 'what horrible waywill it kill me?' Chell warily reached towards the dried gel, finding it flaked into some sort of dusty powder from age.

"Stop," GLaDOS said firmly, leaving absolutely no room for argument. Chell listened to the AI. It seemed slightly ironic that all GLaDOS had to do to get Chell to listen was to be torn from her chassis and stuffed into the shell of a core. However, the AI seemed to be weighing something heavy in her mind as if trying to judge just how much to tell the human.  
>"Some of the data from this place wasn't vitrified. I have residual data, not much, but enough to tell you that Conversion Gel is highly lethal for humans with simple skin contact." There was a hum from the sphere as hard discs went wild processing something. Chell found she had jerked her hand away on reflex now, not really sure if she believed it or not but better safe than sorry.<p>

"How lethal?" GLaDOS correctly divined Chell's current doubtful expression.

The human gave a slight nod.

"If you were to combine Repulsion Gel, Propulsion Gel, Mantis Men, and turrets into a liquid form... it would BARELY be as lethal."

_'Wow... ' _that was pretty much the exact thing the AI would have to claim to make Chell more paranoid of anything else thus far.

The elevator shaft was spotted with sections of this Conversion Gel, and if it was as lethal as GLaDOS claimed, climbing up wasn't an option and her portals could cause her to 'touch' it, in the quantum sense.

Again, the AI hesitated. "Don't worry, the act of passing through a portal on Conversion Gel does not cause lunar poison-..." There was an immediate halt to the speaking.

_'Lunar poison?'_ Chell's eyebrows shot up.

"I wasn't supposed to say that. Any testing information not pertaining to returning to the surface is to remain vitrified" GLaDOS said, alarmed at letting such a small word slip out. "The personality core partitions are becoming corrupt under my AI and the power cells didn't cycle enough to carry a full charg-..." Again, the AI froze. She had NOT meant to say that either.

The slender testing bot nudged Chell's elbow, giving the girla look of curiosity and concern on her otherwise blank chassis. The human really didn't have to speak binary to know the construct was concerned about her creator. Even Chell was willing to admit she was getting worried, what with all the restarting, the faux paux slips, and now the complete breakdown of the ability to lie or conceal... it was pretty much the least GLaDOS-like thing she had ever seen GLaDOS do, _'and when you don't act like yourself anymore, it freaks the crap out of everyone around you', _Chell thought in concern.

"Silence during testing protocol will be enforced from this point on." GLaDOS said with desperation in an attempt to keep any more unauthorized data from being released. It was like someone had jammed the whole of Wiki-Leaks into her database! "Any questions about Caroline or the subsequent status of – … dammit." The sphere was approaching some kind of blow out point where a nice long primal scream would probably follow. Basically, GLaDOS was heading towards a break down, and in this case it would probably be mental first, followed by mechanical.

Chell had been there, done that... only sans actual screaming. She was technically long overdue for one. _'Memo to self: scream, for as long as possible, at the very first thing that presents itself once escaping.'_

It would be karmic justice if she screamed at a her own reflection... or a daisy.

Pulling out the pad of paper and shifting GLaDOS to her left arm, Chell pat the AI on the hull as she began to scribble a message. The action got the core to be silent, and if she was silent she wasn't spewing information and crashing her own systems at the very least.

_'You aren't running on a full power charge, are you?' _Chell's scribbles were in a slanted script, but easily legible.

"Pointing out the obvious is still not worth any science points," GLaDOS said testily, but she said it with a hint ofcomposure, which was an improvement.

_'Do you have less than 12 hours,'_ thenupon here she stopped, crossed it out, and wrote '_8 hours charge time left?'._ The human had an instinct to always expect the worst, which meant in her mind, Wheatley was having a wonderful time blowing up the turbines already. The estimated 12 hours until complete destruction was more of a guideline, since GLaDOS had already woefully underestimated the destructive potential of the combined forces of Wheatley and Chell.

Now GLaDOS became slightly paranoid. Lowering her voice through the sub-speaker so Orange could not hear, she hissed, "Unmodified, yes. Six hours, at best."

_'This... oh geez, this was... it was VERY not good.' _Chell felt a hiss of alarm escape from her lips as a sharp breath.

"I have cut all non-essential programming so it leaves me ten hours. Programmed inhibitions, archived memory data, and subroutines are non-essential. After I shut off those sections... data that _should _have been vitrified came online," the AI winced, "I seem to have lost the ability to 'shut up'."

The human's mouth twitched in a smile for the briefest of seconds. S**o** GLaDOS was freaking out over the fact she _wanted_ to talk and -to the AI- it was a **Life Ending Emergency**. The battery thing was a problem, yes, but if they could get out of there and back into Upper Aperture in under ten hours then half the problem was solved. The other half of the problem was how to unseat a daft moron from a throne of information without squashing, crushing, or destroying him.

"I can see you just over simplified quantum mechanics and rocket science into one broad solution, and that solution would be-" GLaDOS sighed, then suddenly increased her voice modulation into 'disturbingly peppy levels', "_'We can do it! And then rainbows will spontaneously explode from our various orifices!' _ … uhg, I feel corrupt just saying that" the core shuddered.

Chell sputtered on a laugh, her eyes bugging open in mirth as she tried so very hard not to laugh out loud.

She failed at this, but it felt so worth it.

The little sphere was still trembling in disgust at her own lack of control, but any sort of programmed control would dramatically shorten any battery cell time she hadleft. Chell decided to throw the AI a bone. She had made it this far without ever giving GLaDOS any sort of fodder for her files on the human. Any notes the AI had were solely from observations or just made up out of spite.

So Chell gave GLaDOS her first opinion.

_'I prefer the talking over silence. I like Orange and Blue, even though they can't talk. No matter how little you say trying to save power, I can promise I'm listening.' _Chell's scribble on the pad of paper ended with an almost illegible scrawl and she had furiously scratched out the last opinion she had written.

GLaDOS was silent after reading the small note, unsure what to say. Chell needed GLaDOS fully functional if they were going to escape. She hadn't really meant it as a compliment, and it most definitely wasn't intended as an insult either. It was simply the truth (non-enhanced) to try to put the AI at ease.

Chell wrote more on another leaf of paper and held this one out in front of the sphere as well. The sideways scrawl was written quickly and almost illegible. _'I'm also listening to the unending babble, the high levels of sarcasm, and flat out creepy statements. No pressure or anything.' _and she finished the note with a typical smiley face, though her own expression showed a much more gleeful grin.

There was an amused chuckle from the sphere. "So you have mastered the art of the passive-aggressive statement. Congratulations. This would normally call for cake... or a test created to challenge your long term memory until you can no longer remember any promised cake. But I'll settle for gloating over the fact I don't have fragile, brittle, human nuisances to deal with, myself," GlaDOS taunted back.

Blue finished rebooting from his tumble down the elevator shaft and glanced over at Orange for an update on what he had missed. Orange wasn't quite sure what had just taken place. Chell merely lifted GLaDOS to rest on her hip under her arm, whilesmiling at them both.

The human could tell that even if the personality sphere didn't trust her any more than she trusted a cake to be 'good for you', the core could acknowledge her test subject was clever and perceptive.

For a human.

Taking a moment to organize the two testing bots on how to properly escape from an elevator shaft (and completely boggled as to WHY she knew how to do this... seriously... was she some kind of crazed spy before Aperture?), Chell and Blue took point on ascending up the vertical shaft. Fortunately, enough of the white gel was spattered on the wall to give them something to work with other than climbing. Orange remained on the ground watching the two climbers as they jumped from high and tossed themselves into placed portals, and propelled themselves back up at different angles.

"It's frightening how well you work together after just a few hours," GLaDOS admitted, unable to stay silent for long in her low power mode. "Birds of a feather, or however that particular idiom goes. Groups of idiots need a name... I think a 'flock' is a good description. You flock of idiots are doing a **good** job." The word sounded as if it belonged there, not at all jammed in as ifthe AI tried to force a new word in place like she had done with her other back-handed comments. The compliment wasn't even disguised this time. It was an honest to god compliment, no strings attached.

Chell nearly fell out of the elevator shaft in shock.

"Now finish migrating to the top of this elevator shaft and lets get moving faster, or whatever term of movement you 'flock' want to use." GLaDOS rolled slightly under Chell's arm, her upper handle poking her in the side.

Getting Orange to the top of the shaft was an easy matter. There was a dried puddle of Conversion Gel that had burst from a pipe in a maintenance closet just feet ahead. This section of the underbelly had no pressure for gel but was lucky enough to still have power. Blue reached through the portal and hefted Orange through to the hallway.

There was a buzz from the intercom and the message struggled to get started. Chell flinched a bit at the sound, then decided it would be best to just deal with it. This section wasn't a testing facility, sohow bad could messages directed towards the workers of Aperture be?

"Oh, you _really _don't want to know," GLaDOS answered the rhetorical question Chell had been wondering.

This, for obvious reasons, really did not make the human feel any better.


	19. Road Trip

Sorry for the delay! Between NaNoMo, work, and trying to get some really huge Christmas presents made, I'm way behind and my writing muse has been pitching a fit. My beta and I have been doing a lot of co-op custom maps, and as a warning if one of the maps creators says 'This map will make you need lube'... they really REALLY mean it. I don't think either of us want to see another thermal discouragement laser EVER AGAIN.

Mashy spike plates? Those are still good though!

Once the thanksgiving holiday rush is over at work and November's NaNoMo challenge done, I'll be free to catch up on my projects. I need more time! Or a longer attention span. My attention span can be _instantly_ derailed by the appearance of a dog, up to 150 yards away. I think my friends are calling it 'puppy radar', when I suddenly leap up and point at the window were a dog is walking by. So basically I-

OHMYGOD A DOG!

… err... anyway.

Thank you for all the comments to continue! I swear, I'm not giving up yet! I even have 90% of the next chapter raring to go, and should have it out sometime after the holiday weekend.

Sarcasm Still Valid

11/28/11

* * *

><p>Off the beaten path of Lower Aperture's testing trail, the new section that Chell found herself in appeared to be entirely for the staff only and all attempts at grandeur were thrown out the window (then the window was slammed shut, boarded over, and plastered up – literally). The intercom was still hissing with static as the two testing bots lead the way in the dark hall with Chell trailing behind them. Normally Cave Johnson would assault them with message of potentially lethal things that 'you might not want to walk into' or other such 'advice' dished out, but there was only the crackle and hiss over the PA.<p>

GLaDOS cast a wary eye on one of the loudspeakers. "All messages recorded in **this** section are directed to A) The task of departing test subjects – which consists of _undoing mental trauma_ and encouraging them to return – for science, B) The task of task of the scientists – which in this section consists of _breaking things – _for science, and C) The task of the maintenance crew – which consisted of fixing things said lab boys broke and the upkeep of the vehicles."

Another crackle of static hissed over the speakers before the voice of Cave Johnson started, mid-sentence and suddenly in full blown rant mode. Orange and Blue failed completely at shutting down their hearing and were broadsided by his furious rant. Chell only managed a surprised blink as she found Cave Johnson's furious tirade had begun.

"-and another thing, I know the lab boys keep trying to put things on the vehicles. Like rockets or some kind of sentry gun or … like the last project showed us... _inflating bags of air_ in the steering columns for 'safety's sake'... don't let them. I shouldn't have to mention what happen the last time those lab boys even drove a vehicle," Cave said forcefully, Chell could image his face a furious crimson. "All company vehicles, limousines, and service transports are to be stored in an extended long-term care. And if anyone knows who dinged my Bentley, let me know. Someone is going to have a perfect imprint of my boot on their a-"

"Mr Johnson, your blood pressure," Caroline quickly cut into the recording, cautioning him.

There was a sigh, and Cave spoke again, forcing an air of calmness. "Thank you, Caroline. Right, anyway, if any vehicle needs to head topside, make sure those lab boys have all their paperwork filled out. Except for the Bentley, it's mine and I don't _need _paperwork. For the time being, all stand-by vehicles should be kept in a long-term storage status: drain all fluids and prep them for storage. Except for the Bentley. I'm serious, don't even LOOK at it. And all vehicles need their serial numbers painted on their sides... except for the Bentley. In fact, here's a new rule, 'Touch the Bentley, and you are assigned to clean-up duty for the Giant Radioactive Pig project.' You would NOT believe the amount of radioactive waste a super-pig produces..." Cave grumbled.

Chell twitched. Radioactive _super pig?_ She gave GLaDOS a doubtful look.

"No, he _really did_ make that abomination," GLaDOS said after a moment, her hard disc whirring with the effort. "Against my–" there was a crackle of static from GLaDOS and her gold eye suddenly went dark, the shutters slamming closed.

Jerking in alarm, Chell scrambled to undo the sleeves of her jumpsuit tied against the core. The AI wasn't completely off-line, but she wasn't rebooting either. There were two tiny LED lights on the side of the core, orange and green, and they flashed alternatively. This wasn't in Chell's impromptu manual of _'Personality Core Care and Maintenance: Psychotic edition',_ and the human turned to Orange with the sphere tucked against her, hoping for a solution.

The slender bot turned GLaDOS over a few times, tapped an interface plate, and then cocked her core. Rather than starting a pantomime to try to describe what the AI was doing in that state, Orange pointed to Chell's left pocket and then held her hand upwards asking for the contents. Currently, that pocket contained the paper, the half-dull pencil, a potato, and a few resealed and hydrated packets of food. The other pocket also had a potato, the used scraps of paper no longer able to be written on, and any empty foil packages Chell had used. Orange had to be asking to be given the paper so she could communicate. _'Or maybe she wanted the rehydrated eggs... no, NO ONE wanted those,' _Chell thought, wrinkling her nose. Chell passed over the tablet, keeping one eye on Blue as he tried flicking light switches in the hall.

"_HD playback mode. Ousted CEO GLaDOS is watching old HD data recordings in her system. The current system doesn't have the power to run both her and her memory system."_ Orange had a flawless print like the copy of a newspaper, in fact it looked like a laser printer had inked the words on the paper, rather than a dull pencil. It looked like Orange's handwriting was a perfect Times New roman font, while Chell's own was somewhere between drunken scribbles and side-slanting cursive.

Chell looked down at GLaDOS, who was busy goofing around in the cinema of her recorded memories, apparently. If the AI was watching that one time Chell had gotten the seat of her pants torn out by an overly-sensitive elevator door, or when the woman had accidentally trapped herself in a test while trying to escape (forcing GLaDOS to release Chell manually from the chamber and have a nice gloat about it)... she was going to drop kick the sphere all the way back to her chassis. The human wished **she **had HD memories to play back... wait... she wished she had just-plain memories to review. Walking around wondering _'gee, when was the last time I've been outside?'_ and drawing a complete blank on the question was almost hair-pulling.

Chell was a half dozen steps down the hall alongside Orange when she realized the robot had actually _spoken_ to her. Via writing, yes, but the testing duo was fully capable of writing and comprehending normal speech, AND willing to talk to her – rather than dispense bullets at her or insult her!

Orange had been peering into a closet when Chell launched herself at the bot, clinging around her midsection like an attention-seeking child. Flailing unsteadily, the slender bot gave a chatter of surprise before bracing herself against the door. Upon realizing the human was issuing some sort of 'standard token of affection', she gave a chittering purr and allowed the woman to hold on to her frame.

"That was annoying – like an enforced cut scene. Data corruption had covered that memory into –" GLaDOS finished her playback mode, her optic snapping open and spotting Chell hanging off of Orange, "-I swear, I go offline for two minutes and you drop everything to hug like morons. No wonder you got on so well with the idiot-king." The gold aperture iris narrowed with a whirling spiral.

The human wanted to retort _'I got along well with him because he didn't try to murder me, and neither have the Testing Init– ...where is Blue?' _Any sort of sneer was wiped off her face when she realized Blue wasn't anywhere in sight.

That robot... he had all the common sense of a can of tuna.

A half eaten can of tuna...

Dolphin free, made with only the most suicidal tunas that would heave themselves right into the nets.

He would get along well with Wheatley, in hindsight.

"You have _lost _half of my testing initiative pair?" GLaDOS gave an affronted sound. "Well, I can state he has probably gone straight into the section that is going to get him destroyed... turn left up ahead." the AI gave her directions.

Chell didn't even question the directions. After all, if GLaDOS was good at one thing above all others, it was directing Chell into danger. Even in the underground, that was no exception. It was like GLaDOS could detect deadly things in her proximity. The personality core directed Chell and Orange through the most of the underground employee sections quite accurately. Suspiciously accurate in fact, if GLaDOS really wasn't supposed to have the data on this vitrified facility. They were guided to what appeared to be a smelter, a circuit breaker room, dozens of storage facilities of toxic objects (Chell was getting worried after the fifth closet full of poisonous substances), a handful of other rooms that seemed to be _constructed_ of danger

_'For the love of – WHY would you build a room with SPIKES on the walls and floor? Either you are an evil villain, the manufacturing company for Death Traps Incorporated, or you have terrible taste in interior decorating,'_ Chell was aghast, a grimace clenching her jaw shut.

When GLaDOS failed to locate Blue this way, the AI thought for a moment. "It's possible Blue did not shut his oratory sensors down and went to go find the garage based on **~Former CEO Cave Johnson's~** last recorded statement." GLaDOS apparently still had enough processing power to catch whatever she had been about to say and substitute in her standard title for the man.

Orange made a noise of frustration, hobbling next to Chell in the dim hallway. It was like the robot was pondering why she been created with a partner who could actually come up negative on a common sense check? Then the robot leaned over and gave Chell a sympathetic pat on the back. Orange appeared to feel the woman who had managed to unseat GLaDOS (and with Wheatley 'helping' the whole way) deserved some kind of reward.

"Orange, do you hate science?" GLaDOS asked, preemptively stopping the robot from giving Chell another hug. "You must, because here you are emulating that stupid, repulsive, and smelly human behavior. Be the better construct."

Giving an amused sound, Orange didn't give the human another hug, but kept pace with the test subject as they moved down the hall. Even with the slender robot's twisted knee joint, the bot did not like to stay still. It was much like Chell's own instincts to always keep moving – that staying still in Aperture was like painting a bullseye on a target and tossing it in front of a turret (half the time, they were so wildly-inaccurate that Chell thought they could actually miss the broad side of a barn). All Chell's testing anxiety to keep moving, be watchful, and always double check a portal before jumping it was now a part of Orange's own testing routine. It was like the robot was using the woman's behavior as a template, learning all actions related to survival and caution. Blue had really only absorbed part of the lesson: gaining Chell's determination and curiosity and none of the survival instincts.

Determination _plus_ Curiosity _minus_ common sense = tragedy.

But Comedy = Tragedy _plus_ time _divided _by 'it not happening to you'.

_'There really was a formula to it', _Chell thought to herself.

The garage GLaDOS lead them to was poorly lit, but in the shadows a blue glowing optic bobbed about as wooden crates were shoved around the room. There was Blue, unpiling boxes, examining giant shapes wrapped in plastic and chattering to himself. Chell sighed, deciding to leave the chewing out to GLaDOS. Someone with a voice and a nearly limitless supply of sarcasm was so much more effective than the silent treatment.

"Blue, talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity. The second sign of insanity is _not talking at all_." The gold iris darted to Chell quickly, a tone of amusement from the AI.

In response, Chell found her middle finger had popped up on a reflex.

GLaDOS wasn't the least bit phased by Chell's gesture and continued to chew out the robot unperturbed. "What is so important that you would go and find a way more painful way to die than exploding? If you are tired of existing, I can just painlessly shut you down by a nice recycling explosion."

The threat of exploding went right over Blue's chassis. The round bot had discovered something that caused him to click and chatter in an explanation. He tried a pantomime as well as he spoke, which made things worse, really. Chell couldn't make heads or tails of what he was trying to say and getting any closer to the robot while he was flailing wildly could put out an eye.

GLaDOS was low on patience as well as power though. "Just send it over the ping commlink. What is it with idiots and their urge to communicate with primitive noises?" And of course, the AI said this aloud – using those 'primitive noises' herself. The ironic thing was the only one who HADN'T tried to communicate with the offensive noises would be the mute lunatic herself. Chell snorted in amusement.

The AI seemed to realize this as well. "It wasn't a compliment." GLaDOS said quickly to Chell, and then began to listen to Blue through the transmission broadcast. Chell was still grinning though, if only because it was irritating to gloat.

There was a few moments pause as the two constructs communicated. Chell unstrapped GLaDOS and turned the AI to face the testing bot out of a courtesy of at least having a face-to-interface conversation. The garage was a mess of stamped wooden crates marked 'storage' and 'decommissioned' and the shapes covered in what appeared to be old looking vehicles half-haphazardly wrapped in tarps. Most of the vehicles had rusted so badly the plastic was stained orange. Several of the cars had fallen right off their tires (or would that be tires had fallen off of the cars?), rust eating through every part of their metal.

Obviously the Maintenance Staff had NOT set these vehicles into proper long term storage. Cave Johnson probably bust some heads over the mistake, desks were cleaned out, the employee Removal Escort Bot was dispatched to drag the ex-employees from the facility (like the Party Escort Robot, but in reverse), and a good deal of yelling probably happened. If it even was noticed.

Blue finished his ping message with GLaDOS and the sphere's shutters gave a sharp clacking noise as she blinked. "Blue – your suggestion is worth an advancement in science points that would put you in the lead – if you survive long enough to figure out what they are for." There was a pause. "Well? What are you waiting for? Awards? Cake? … HUGS? Get going!" GLaDOS snapped, and Blue jerked into action quickly, shoving his ASHPD towards Chell and running in his awkward shuffle towards the vehicles.

Chell was bewildered. It showed quite plainly, and she didn't have to write any questions down to communicate it.

"Testing Initiative partner Blue has suggested the plan of restoring one of the long-term storage vehicles into a running status, and then exiting to the surface in a matter of a single hour. On foot, with _your _current state, and the speed of Orange factored **into **it... it would take almost five hours just to get topside through the garage exit corridor, and I DON'T have that kind of time," GLaDOS grit out.

The sphere's gold eye looked over Chell with a flick and she was suddenly aware of her current state. The human was now covered in grime, her jumpsuit tattered and the legs of her pants stained with small speckles of blue, orange, and white. The only good news was she wasn't starving to death or dehydrated, but she looked even more run down than before. Chell was sure the room was now tipping at a 15 degree angle from side to side as she stood completely still, head trauma messing with her senses.

Over all... she was not in good shape.

"Blue estimates it to take an hour to prep a car from long-term storage, and then an hour to the surface. Judging by your poor health condition... I can't believe the Idiot took such poor care of- … _JUDGING_ by your condition-**" **GLaDOS corrected as she caught herself starting to ramble**,** **"**you are required to enter a restorative state to prepare for our return to the Enrichment Center."

Chell blinked owlishly. She wanted to defend Wheatley, and mention that most of 'condition' happened during the extremely long stay she had in the Relaxation Vault, or during her downward tumble out of the Enrichment Center. But that thought was dislodged by confusion. Was GLaDOS ordering her to go take a nap?

"Yes. I AM." GLaDOS sighed, her shutters lowering slightly and rolling her optic. "Neither testing bot needs to pause for rest, making them vastly superior to human testing – or it WOULD be if they had more than just one iota of common sense." Robotic 'telepathy' was now so ritual for Chell she was probably doomed to try her own 'hacking' by simply staring at a computer and waiting for it to interpret her expressions.

Most computers only can interpret just one expression – and it's the one that happens shortly after the screen goes blue. Damn computers love it when they see that face.

Orange (the single iota of common sense-bot), limped over to Chell, taking both the ASHPDs from the human and tucking them against a workbench with her own. The baling wire holding Orange's leg together was already coming apart and the bare metal on metal grinding together slowed her down to a hobble. Blue was full of more dents than a demolition derby car**,** GLaDOS was slowly bleeding power - the systems of the core insufficient to support her AI, and Chell was so battered and concussed she was probably going to become some sort of vegetable and go drool in the corner.

Fate REALLY did not like them.

Refusing to listen to GLaDOS's order though, Chell figured she could at least relieve some of that problem. Grabbing Orange by the wrist, she towed the robot to one of the work benches and began sifting around for tools.

"Wait... you think you are mechanically inclined enough to FIX my testing pair? You have destroyed the Turret Quality Control and Neurotoxin Production fields, not to mention the Panel Foundry and miles of the Vacuum Transport tubing. That, is just a SMALL list of things you have destroyed." The sphere sounded amused. But GLaDOS paused, her disc drive whirring from some sort of data recovery. There was awkward moment of silence, and she started speaking again. "Chell, you EXCEL in destroying and that's about it." GLaDOS rocked slightly on the workbench, giving the human a flat look.

Frustrated, cranky, exhausted, and now slightly creeped out to hear her own name instead of the odd replacement name of 'Marshmallow', Chell tore a sheet of paper from the pad and scribbled on it furiously. "_Then TELL me what to do." _She had a fierce glare, as if NOT telling wasn't an option. Once again – common sense to the wind – Chell was attempting to intimidate an AI.

It might have worked, or GLaDOS may have thought Chell_ was _better off knowing (as long as the human was on her side). "Ok, but you have to listen to EVERYTHING I say. Otherwise Orange's leg just might fall off... and explode... they do that sometimes." The sphere, resting on the work bench, gave a slight nod that rocked her forwards.

For the very first time, Orange actually looked more than a little worried. She liked her leg! But, she also liked Chell, and the human hadn't tried to stab her in the back or betray her (as GLaDOS's database of interactions with humans indicated they sometimes did). She let the human begin repairs without a word. But only because it was Chell.

* * *

><p>The repairs to Orange's damaged leg took about half an hour. GLaDOS carefully, and in spitefully small words (as a reminder to what she thought of 'human intelligence' – oxymoron was mentioned more than once), described how the armor support plate was removed from the limb. Then Chell was directed on how to reconnect wires, learned to solder using the ancient lead and resin found in the workshop, and hammered out as many of the dents out of the armor support she possibly before reattaching it. The hydraulics contained in Orange's knee were all intact, though the thin layer of lubrication keeping them moving smoothly was gritty and starting to bleed out. A make-shift replacement using ball bearings was the best Chell could find.<p>

The result was Orange no longer limped, but the bot obviously couldn't run and jump as she once could. However, any sort of repair was an improvement to the slender bot, and the excited chatter from her reached a crescendo as she swept the human into a grateful hug.

Chell was a boneless mass of exhaustion at this point. Her back hurt, her head spun crazily and ached, and her attention span was shot. When Orange put her back on the ground, she stumbled weakly to the workbench and slumped to rest her chin on GLaDOS's shell, heaving a fatigued sigh. At this point, GLaDOS probably could have told her to go nosedive down the elevator shaft and Chell would have mindlessly listened. So the human would have been surprised when she was ordered to pick up the personality core, go to the rusted hull of one of the ruined cars, and seat herself on the stiff leather seat.

She WOULD have been surprised, that is, but auto-pilot just kept her moving without question. Climbing into the passenger side of a vehicle, the woman had a horrible little flash that maybe she couldn't sleep at all. Maybe she was going to sit here too tired to sleep until Blue finished his repairs – too exhausted to be of any use once they needed to get back in to Aperture. Luck favored the human just this once though, because once Chell's back rested on the aged upholstery she slumped into sleep immediately, GLaDOS held limply in her lap and Orange taking the driver's side seat to keep an eye on her.

Taking just a moment to make sure Chell was asleep, GLaDOS took this time to go off-line to reserve any power she had left. Giving Orange a brief command to ping her awake once the repairs were done, the personality core went into sleep-mode as well. The slender testing bot was perfectly still without the need to fidgit and watching the human sleep with intense interest. Giving a high pitched chirp, Orange carefully reached forward and ran the long digits of her fingers through the humans hair, untangling it and setting it straight without waking her.

Covered in oil and transmission fluid and clutching a wrench, Blue made a noise kind of like, _'So... freaking adorable'_ as he rumbled a laugh of amusement at the sight of Orange working Chell's hair straight.

Orange responded to this by raising arm, looking at her hand tipped with only three fingers, and then raised the middle most one in a gesture that resembled Chell's favored 'flipping the bird'.

The effect was greatly diminished lacking an _actual_ middle finger. But the reaction caused Blue to cackle even more. Oh, there would be _quite a_ yelling (and possibly an exploding) from GLaDOS when she realized just how much of the human's behavior they had managed to copy, but the two bots found it was too interesting to just delete the directory information.

Blue gave Orange an amused wave and returned to work on the vehicle he had found that had survived the long hundreds of years of storage. Of almost a fleet of fifty cars, only one had been properly stored long term.

Cave Johnson's favored 1959 Bentley.

If Cave Johnson were still alive some 500+ years after that Bentley was made, he'd be busting some heads for what Blue was about to do. Right now, the man himself was probably trying to convince God to reincarnate him as a tank for such vengeance.

God vetoed the request.

And the world rejoiced.

* * *

><p>For a little less than an hour, Chell slept without any sort of dreams or disturbance. Blue was probably making a horrible racket while he worked, but the exhausted human heard none of it. Neither Blue nor Orange needed to charge on a regular basis, so while Chell and GLaDOS were both in their respective sleep-modes Orange kept an eye on them. She also kept an eye on her partner, the orange optic flicking up to his stout form to watch as a cascade of sparks and molten pieces of metal jagged off the vehicle he was completing.<p>

If awake, Chell might have guessed Orange was worried Blue was going to weld himself to the car (which would have been exactly correct). But as she was completely dead to the world, Chell was aware of nothing outside the warm little weight in her arms.

GLaDOS was like a laptop, producing heat and rumbling with the slight vibration of a disc drive trying to power up. In the underground garage, it was cool, but not cold. However it was also humid and sticky and the slight chill to the air made the garage uncomfortably cold with dampness. Chell was attempting to leach heat off the heat-producing metal sphere while she slept. If GLaDOS had been online she might have complained about being used as a hot water bottle was degrading. Chell would have responded by lifting the AI the bird and continuing to pillow her cheek against warm metal.

It was a fact of nature anyway: If you are warm and it is cold out, expect to be used as a space heater. Deal with it, you warm, smug bastards.

An hour and a half after Blue started overhauling the escape vehicle, he finally finished. Orange then sent ping command to GLaDOS to bring her back online and carefully reached out to shake the human awake. While the testing bot's oblong core was warm to the touch, her extremities did not keep any heat produced by the power cells and were much colder. An icy touch from metal fingers caused Chell to jerk out of her sleep in a white-out, blinded panic. She jerked to an alarmed and defensive state and scrambled sideways out of the vehicle. Her eyes didn't see the white chassis of Orange, but blurred from the concussion and bleary with sleep they saw a turret. In a reflexive survival move for a turret surprising her, Chell closed her hands around the object in her arms (that her reflexive instinct was saying was her ASHPD) and pointed the object at the wall to portal away.

Except the object in her arms _wasn't_ an ASHPD. Hers was sitting on the workbench not ten feet away, Chell suddenly noticed.

It was at the point when GLaDOS didn't go 'pewpew' and fire a portal that Chell suddenly realized she was probably just a _little _more disoriented from the concussion than expected. The recollection of the day before finally fell into place as her trigger finger scratching over the underside of the sphere's hull, trying to find the 'ASHPD' release triggers.

"While I have complete comprehension of how the Portal Project works... I cannot produce quantum tunnels WITH MY MIND. Marshmallow, please remain still and stop attempting to use me as an Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device." GLaDOS's gave a command that made it clear she expected to be obeyed. It also held a hint of what might pass as concern in the modulated voice. "I am going to have Orange administer a basic concussion test. And as a reminder, all damage suffered down here cannot be retroactively used as blackmail, lawsuits, or guilt trips, as this entire endeavor is into a vitrified chamber we _broke_ into disregarding all protocol."

Ah, now that was the normal GLaDOS Chell was familiar with, always worried about protocol. She lowered her arms, tucking the core she had just attempted to use as a portal device against her hip.

Approaching the human with caution, Orange was awarded with an apologetic half smile from the woman. The robot had Chell follow her fingertip with her eyes, carefully felt the human's skull and neck for bruises or damage to the bone, and then had Chell try to walk a straight line. GLaDOS instructed Orange not to bother testing for brain damage, as it was _evident_ there was 'too much brain damage to concern ourselves about' present.

Chell flipped GLaDOS a very smug finger, walking a straight line with only a little difficult of sore muscles. The addle-brained sensations from the concussion still throbbed but her senses jammed back into place around her.

"And the last portion of the Basic Concussion Exam has now been completed, subject has located her favorite finger and has full mobility of it. That's all she really needs anyway." The AI taunted back, sounding rather pleased. "However, it would appear that your repeated head trauma has advanced into a more serious concussion during your resting period. Congratulations for leveling up your head injuries."

Chell gave a sheepish grin, sarcastic and weak. _'Hooray, head trauma.'_ She was still sporting dozens of scrapes and burns from upper Aperture and should she have been given a single bandaid, she would have to think long and hard about which injury needed it most, since she couldn't put a bandaid on her brain.

_'Huh... brain bandages. How... would those even work?'_

"Blue, she's losing MORE focus than normal. Tell me you finished basic maintenance by now?" GLaDOS rolled away from Chell's dazed face as the human almost lost her senses to her little daydream.

The robot in quest gave an affirmative rumble, his white armor spattered with amber oil and dirt smudges. Pointing backwards, Blue indicated Cave Johnson's prized 1959 silver Bentley... with the gracefully elongated hood torn off, the door panels gone entirely, and somehow with parts that obviously didn't belong merged into the engine block. Blue had to do much more than just basic maintenance – the years had damaged the car so badly the robot was forced to tear fused door hinges off, replaced sections in the crumbling engine, and flushed fluids into the entire system. There is no such thing as 'proper storage' for a vehicle when nearly 500 years go by since it was last used. It was a miracle it was even working at all after being kept in the dank garage.

GLaDOS was horrified. "Oh stars... Mr Johnson, you must be rolling in your grave." She said in an appalled tone, very unlike her typical sarcasm.

Even as disoriented as she was, Chell caught the change GLaDOS's voice, and the sudden lack of 'Former-CEO' title to Cave's name. The human tucked GLaDOS under her arm, raising an eyebrow high in a non-verbal question.

"W-what? I'm fine!" GLaDOS quickly fired off.

This caused Chell's other eyebrow to rise. That _hadn't _been the question she was trying to ask. So of course it make the human doubt what GLaDOS had just said. Denial-mode wasn't just for humans, after all.

"Just load all cargo, Aperture personnel, and vital testing apparatus into the vehicle to be returned to the Enrichment Center." GLaDOS shifted straight back into 'Computer-Overlord' mode, and sent out the order. "Marshmallow, you are classified as 'cargo'. Please load yourself, and the vital portal apparatus into the back of the car.

Chell huffed, staring longingly at the passenger seat. _'What? I don't get to call shotgun?'_

The handles of the sphere rose in amusement. "If you want to engage in the human ritual of 'putting dibs' on a certain seat, then by all means... _Call it._" GLaDOS taunted, looking delighted.

Sure, taunt the mute about her lack of voice. Without a fight, Chell swung herself in through the doorless car and dropped onto the rear seat, an unsatisfied frown on her face. Tormenting Chell on her lack of voice was just about as classy as taunting the robot with no hands by giving them the bird.

… Which Chell did.

It was the fact that GLaDOS seemed to enjoy the reaction that robbed Chell of any feeling of victory for doing it.

Damn... uppity computers.

Orange slid into the passenger's seat, giving an excited sound and peering around the vehicle curiously. Blue was trying to lever himself into the vehicle, his round core having trouble fitting between the seat and the steering wheel. Chell didn't know a whole lot about cars and she couldn't remember ever driving one, but she was pretty sure Blue's optic only just BARELY cleared the dusty wood grain dashboard.

It did _not_ exactly fill the human with confidence about her chauffeur.

Chell was more impressed with Blue's mechanical prowess. The robot has managed to revive a long-term storage vehicle in under two hours, and apparently could drive them for having only 'existed' for less than a few days.

It was when the engine rumbled to life and suddenly revved to a sound like a roar that Chell suddenly rethought her previous assumption that Blue knew what he was doing. The car suddenly lunged forward, swerved with a squeal of tires around a line of rusting cars, and accelerated down a straight ramp with apparently no regard for rules of inertia.

Chell was slid across the slick leather of the back of the seat, her legs shooting up as she slid and twisting herself around the core that had been in her lap. The longfall boots slammed against the back of the front seats and Chell found she was able to brace herself against them. Orange was nearly bounced out of the door-less vehicle, catching onto the chair with her left hand and the frame of the car's roof with her right, giving an alarm squeal. GLaDOS would have just rolled right off the seat and down the garage if Chell hadn't decided she was now an armadillo and curled around the sphere.

Armadillo Chell was sending an alarmed glance around the back seat of the vehicle and was rather surprised not to see any seat belts. Looking up in alarm, she noted there were none hanging by either front seat either. The car didn't have seatbelts at all.

Well... this wouldn't be the FIRST death trap found at Aperture Chell had ridden in that would have benefited from seatbelts.

GLaDOS was quite obviously alarmed. Her optic was wide open, the half shuttered expression she normally wore out of disdain was replaced with one of abject terror. However the expression only lasted a moment before the light behind her optic went out and the sphere shut down, unable to process the emotion of 'complete fear' without taxing her power cell. With the car bouncing up a sharp incline and jerking hard to the right around a bend, Chell had never been so positive of approaching death as she was at this moment.

With Chell curled around GLaDOS, both legs braced on the chair in front of her in order to keep her back firmly against her seat so she didn't go sliding out, and unable slap Blue upside the head or risk GLaDOS flying out the doorless vehicle, there wasn't much Chell could do to get Blue to stop driving like a psychotic NASCAR racer. Orange, however, was trilling in distress and alternating squealing in alarm when an obstacle fallen in the path of the car that Blue couldn't see popped up. It still took the most terrifying five minutes of Chell's life for Blue to finally bring the car to a complete stop.

The 'complete stop' part happening almost instantly.

Chell was now upside down in the front of the car, wedged between Orange and Blue.

Blue was presented the punitive finger of justice as Chell scrambled to the back seat of the car again. Orange awarded her partner with a sharp cuff on the core, like a slap upside the head. The round robot heaved a breathy sounding mumble that may have been an apology, or maybe it was a regretful 'I could have broken the sound barrier if you two weren't so paranoid'.

Giving Blue a reproachful look, Chell encouraged him to try driving again. But this time her little human glare promised she was going to yank his core out and have a round of soccer if he tried that again. If the Bentley dared nose over 45 miles per hour, Orange began to administer a round of robotic glaring at her partner, which was copied by Chell in the back seat (though from his vantage point in the rear view mirror, Blue was probably only seeing the very top of Chell's head, sans glare). The garage was hundreds of miles below the surface, and the path up was a whipback road at a constant 10 degree angle. The road had survived hundreds of years of neglect almost intact, truly miraculous considering the damage to the facility itself on the inside. Only the occasional crack crossed over the tunnel and small piles of rubble every few hundred years, but it was never enough to stop their progress.

The constant back and forth motion of the car turning the bend of the road or sliding out of the way of a pile of concrete was sickening to Chell. She had assumed -or maybe remembered vaguely- car trips to be soothing. Instead, she felt ill, her head swam and throbbed again. Without seatbelts, Chell would slide an inch or two to the side with every turn Blue took too fast. When GLaDOS rebooted a few minutes after Blue's more sane attempt at driving, Chell was still wedged in the back seat trying to keep herself from sliding around with the sphere and ASHPD in her arms.

The human raised her eyebrows at GLaDOS, then lifted her eyes to glare at Blue for a moment before returning the doubtful expression to the sphere.

"Yes, Ok. I get it. Hindsight. Blue could use a few more files on how to drive without murdering everyone. We didn't have the time to teach you to drive, though, and since you have never actually driven anything other than **me half-insane**... it was for the best." GLaDOS's voice was calm, her autotuned modulation almost at a flawless human cadence.

Chell's expression of doubt didn't change, but a glimmer of interest sparked in her eyes. Her uncertain expression seemed to ask, _'Never driven?'_

"No, you were too young to drive when you were put into-," GLaDOS made a noise like a hiss of static, her sentence cutting off half way. "Oh, you _are_ clever. Taking advantage of my lack of security protocol sub-routines." Irritated, the sphere twitched both handles inwards. Chell had enough experience around GLaDOS and Wheatley to recognize an expression of frustration.

The tiny slip-up satisfied the biting edge of Chell's curiosity... so she had been in the Aperture labs since she had been a child. Not exactly a GOOD thing, but it was worth the peace of mind knowing. Chell figured if she had really been in that place the whole time, she was better off without any of those memories at all.

There is only so much mental trauma one person can take.

* * *

><p>There is also only so much motion sickness one person can take before they finally lose the contents of their stomach.<p>

That point almost occurred after Blue rounded a turn just a little bit harder than he meant to, the tires squealing on the pavement. Chell gave a distressed and choked whimper, her mouth suddenly filling with saliva as her stomach went from an unsteady churning to a horribly familiar rising sensation. Breathing heavily, Chell curled herself around her stomach, almost forgetting that GLaDOS was in the way of this and folded into the action. Orange gave an unsure vocal modulation, twisting around to look back at the human.

"Sure, you can ride in elevators that travel up at 2,000 feet per minute, fall down almost two miles of ventilation system, yet ride in just one vehicle not even hitting 40 miles per...," The AI stopped her complaint upon Chell giving a distressed hiss of breath. GLaDOS spun her gyros, working her handle free. "Take deeper breaths and stop looking out the window, I will not have you ruining Mr. Johnson's upholstery."

Chell groaned, wishing she could tell Mr. Johnson's prized upholstery to go catch fire. GLaDOS's slip from her former title for Cave to a more familiar one was happening more and more, as was the use of her own name. _ 'Only in Aperture, is hearing someone's real name from an AI a bad thing...'_ Taking an unsteady breath and swallowing, the rise of bile seemed to subside just a little. In fact, the entire sensation of motion sickness had subsided considerably. It took longer than it should have for Chell to realize the car _wasn't _moving upwards (and that the rising sensation was entirely in her head as her skull pounded). Heaving a deep breath, Chell levered her chest off her legs to look up and out the missing door of the Bentley.

_'Well, I have... no clue what I'm looking at.' _ She cocked her head, confusion overwriting the pain and nausea. The ground outside the car was fuzzy, sort of wispy. It was dark but ambivalent light seemed to be illuminating the ground and show that the fuzzy flooring was also waving slightly in a – wait... a breeze?

It was like flipping a switch. Suddenly Chell's brain understood what she was seeing. That was grass, short and low to the ground, growing between every crack and segment of pavement as possible. The darkened garage had emptied into a parking lot that was now almost 90% overtaken by a field, no buildings were in sight except for the deceptively small exit of the garage itself. The glow – the moon – was very nearly full and the pale light seemed to have no business being as bright as it was for being in the dead of night. The breeze carried no strange coppery tang of adrenaline and aerosol caffeine that the Enrichment Center loved so much to saturate the air with.

_'oh holy crap... I'm outside... and it's huge. I think I want to go back inside,' _Chell's brain offered the thought before her consciousness had caught up to the new sight.

_'What? Grow a pair, brain! We are free! Legs, start working and drop me into that grass face __first. I'd like to roll around it in.' _Chell quickly shoved that section of her brain aside.

_'… Are we referring to ourselves in third person now?'_

_'...yes. We do appear to be doing so.'_

_'oh crap, how much brain damage does it take to do that?' _ Chell blinked, realizing she was having an internal argument with herself.

And losing an argument with herself was only worse.

Chell quickly changed her line of thought away from the brain damage. Ever since waking up, her number one goal was to escape Aperture, and now here she was. It probably wouldn't be hard to outrun the testing initiative bots, even while concussed. Yes, they would eventually catch her when she grew too tired to run, which wouldn't take long, and leaping from a moving vehicle was not a very sound idea - But freedom was right here, she could just dump the sphere on her lap off and bolt into the night. She could do it!

… no... she couldn't. The stubborn and loudest section of her being was pitching a fit at just walking away. The whole situation seemed about the same as pulling a thorn out of a lions paw. Sure the lion would be wonderfully happy to have the thorn gone, but then he would be just as happy to gobble you down afterward as well, sense of duty or not. Taking the GLaDOS-lion hostage after removing the thorn really didn't work to well the first time, stalemates really didn't fit too well into that fable.

The Bentley lunged forward, leaving the pavement and now driving on soft soil through a field of some plant that seemed to glow silver in the moonlight. The bump nearly rolled the ASHPD out of Chell's arms, however GLaDOS was locked in a deathgrip and didn't even budge an inch. Fumbling for her portal device, Chell looked out from the back seat, wondering just where they were off to. It was such a valid question, Chell took the time to write it on the pad of paper, juggling the ASHPD to rest clutched between her knees.

GLaDOS twitched, the same electrical spasm jerking all her gyros out of alignment for a few moments. "Blue is to drive to Southgate entrance. The security grid there does not alert the mainframe if proper security clearance is issued. And I AM the security clearance." A smug tone of pride cause the little sphere to rock back and forth in glee. "Lets see the moron expect _that."_

To be complete fair to everyone, NOBODY – not Wheatley, or GLaDOS, Chell, or the two testing bots- was expecting the earth to suddenly give away into a black void beneath the car. It opened quite suddenly, and with nothing more than a hiss of dirt suddenly falling away. By the time any of them realized a sinkhole was opening up, it was already far too late to do anything. Engine still roaring on at a steady 45 mph, the Bentley swung out into the open space.

Nobody was expecting it, except maybe the 1959 Bentley. If cars could have sentient beliefs, the Bentley would have thought something like, "I regret _nothing!" _as it plunged into the depths.


	20. Not exactly the best plan in the world

Super fast update of updating-ness! Ok, so maybe super fast it isn't, but super long it is. I am failing once again to write shorter chapters. Blargl. Also, I have been commissioned to make a fuzzy, tiny beast-monster dice bag for my bro-in-law's collection of D&D dice. So he's getting the most kick-ass, fuzzy tiny beast-monster who only wants to eat your dice you have ever seen! In other words, my nerd side had taken over and my muse is sitting in the corner in a fabled double-face palm position.

Shame and embarrassment.

Next chapter out relatively soon. In relative terms. The kind that Einstein would be proud of.

**Sarcasm Still Valid**

11/28/11

* * *

><p><em>'I wonder if falling to my doom is the side effect of me being a terrible person after all.' <em> Chell's mind was a furious mess of confusion, horror, and a familiar sort of _'oh, I'm falling to my death... again'_ sensation.

The car had knocked around for what felt like miles before it finally impacted to a sudden halt. GLaDOS didn't have the energy back in the garage for terror, and she certainly didn't have the energy now. The little sphere went off-line with an alarmed "oh god not again" and promptly fizzled out. Orange and Blue had been squealing in panic in the front of the vehicle, and Chell had very clearly noted –in that sort of bullet-time way where terrible things seem to slow down- that Blue was even stepping on the brake pedal. As if it would help.

It would have been cute if it weren't so terrifying.

The impact itself had tossed Chell from the vehicle and knocked her senseless, barely able to keep conscious only by sheer determination. She heard the crunch of metal on some sort of heavy floor as the car finished its fall, glass windows shatter outwards in a hail of debris. Then there was the tick and pop of hot metal quickly cooling down coming from the vehicle as the engine died a terrible death. Then, there was silence. A whole lot of it. It gave the injured human time to consider her situation.

Another head injury was obvious. From behind her closed eyes she could see splotches of white bursting randomly, and her skull felt like a balloon trying to float away. The floor was cold, hard, and made of ceramic by the feel of it. Being a master of picking her self off the floors whenever she fell, Chell was fairly certain this was the Enrichment Center based entirely off the uncomfortable feel of the floor.

That, and the dead giveaway to her location was the automated system kicked in and giving a standard issue, "The Enrichment Center would like to remind you that the parking garage is for employees only, and a badge must be shown to retrieve your vehicle when testing is complete."

Some people had good luck that followed them around. Some people were made of bad luck... Chell seemed to have a cloud of irony. It was also the kind of irony that went around beating up smaller ironic situations and bullying shadenfreude around.

_'Irony, when I figure out how to give the finger again, I will be doing so.' _ Chell groaned.

Something cool and pointed poked Chell in the arm, while clicking and rumbling at her. It was trying to rouse her up and the cool metal raised goosebumps down her arm immediately.

Giving a sharp whimper, Chell raised one hand up to her face,_ 'Blue... if you ever put me in a car again, I will personally knife every tire and run away screaming.'_

The thing poking her wasn't Blue though, Chell realized. The rumbling was odd, more mechanical than the testing bot. It was a fight just to open her eyes, and what greeted her burned out her remaining braincells and caused the human to goggle stupidly at the... thing. It was like a cosmically cruel joke.

It was a cube.

Sort of.

It was the shell of a weighted cube with spindly legs, turret legs... and a pair of Siamese turret twins jammed into the frame of the cube. And it had all the charm of a hermit crab.

With mange.

And probably an birth defect or two.

"He's invented retarded puppies," GLaDOS snorted, and Chell found she wasn't really startled at all to find the personality core was still in her arms. Get dropped down back into Aperture, and she still had a death grip on the AI that had tormented her the whole way. Go figure.

_'God, my opinion of cute things is broken beyond repair,' _ Chell found a pathetic smile was curling on her lips, _'That abomination is adorable.'_

GLaDOS drew her handles inwards in disgust at the poor construction of the frankenturrets. "This has _His_ great big idiot name all over it. Literally. He's even superimposed his own idiotic name over Aperture's logo... I'm going to have to be releasing our Aperture Science Infringement Turret squad.

_'… The... __**what**__? Well, they certainly sound more effective than lawyers.' _ Chell pushed herself to a sitting position, lowering the core to her lap and gripping her head with one hand. The pulsing pain of her skull diminished slightly and the room went from a merry-go-round spinning to a slow rotating whirl. The nearest frankenturret trilled again, giving a little hop as it tried to move by her.

Chell reached forward and patted the little square robot on the left-most head. The little turret-crab-cube-thing gave a start when Chell pat it, the red targeting eye constricted into small alarmed dot. The other head was less startled, and a fully dilated optic widened to look over the woman. Then it tried to crawl forwards, or maybe sideways, or backwards, whichever way it tried to crawl, it was pretty obvious one head controlled each leg. So unless both heads wanted to go the same way, it mostly just went around in a circle. It was sad, and pathetic, and adorable at the same time – eliciting the maximum amount of pity possible, as if it were perfectly engineered to be helpless.

Chell may or may not have had one of the most girly expressions on her face that had ever occurred at Aperture as she watched the frankenturrets flail around. Getting her to admit to the expression would be near impossible though.

"You are a fruitcake. And not just the normal holiday variety either. You are the extra festive one filled with nuts" GLaDOS observed.

The ruined Bentley gave a dying wheeze of smoke like a slain dragon and Blue emerged from the wreckage holding the steering wheel and stumbling almost drunkenly. Orange had rolled free and was holding onto both the testing ASHPD devices, both bots were covered in new dents, but otherwise seemed fully operational. Too dizzy to stand up just yet, Chell waved weakly, beckoning them over. The co-op pair toddled over to the human and slid down to the floor with a clank and clatter of metal on ceramic. Both bots were in need of yet another reboot to recalibrate their jarred sensors. The testing pair was not built for repeated damage – they were built to take the slightest bit of damage (a feather falling on them, for example) then explode and be rebuilt by the facility.

"They have exceeded any expectations on longevity at this point," GLaDOS confessed, watching as Chell carefully wiped grim and dust off the pair as they shut down to reboot, their systems humming as they cycled. "Perhaps they are responsible enough not to be made from cheap, disposable parts found in the bottom of the material waste bin. I'll have them upgraded to 'rejected turret parts' if we survive." Ah, the bitter-sweet taste of pessimism, or maybe it was just sarcasm in disguise. Chell simply continued to clean off the pair as best as possible with her bare hands while they rebooted. It was going to take a pad of steel-wool and some bleach to actually clean all the marks off the co-op pair, and the human could only make due with her palms wiping away the grime from their frames.

The smallest testing chambers Chell had been tossed into were approximately forty by forty feet across. This one was only twenty by twenty, with no ceiling and no portal-able surfaces either – just a button and the door. A half fallen management rail had jammed itself against the southern most wall when the test chamber had been rolled into it. A mounted carriage that had long since lost it's sphere rider was hooked to the rail and stuck itself against the edge of the wall. Chell craned her neck up with an uncomfortable crack and tried to spot the hole they had fallen through into the facility but the opening was lost in the darkness.

There was a gurgle and churning sound from below, and the woman stiffened in nervous alarm. A huge pipe that took a shortcut through the test (rather than around it) was suddenly pumping full of white gel. With a liquid gurgle, conversion gel blew out of every crack and fissure along the pipe, splattering the entire facing wall in white gel, and a fine mist blew out to dye the adorable little abominations fumbling around under it a solid white color. Out of the path of the major splatter zones, Chell stared dumbly at the falling gel and wondering if this was what snow was like.

_'Oh god, I don't event remember what snow was like? … Aperture is going to drive me to drink, and with no booze around, I have a feeling I'll be drinking Repulsion Gel or something'._ Chell held her hand up, surprised to find it was becoming sticky with the mist of Conversion Gel vapor.

"You do realize you will die if you inhale that, right?" GLaDOS asked, watching as the droplets began to rain down on them.

There was a short moment of pause-

Brain damage be damned! Chell threw herself across the room, seized a hermit crab-turret and held it over her head like the world's most awkward umbrella. The little robot gave a surprised bleat and pulled its legs in – alarmed and freaking adorable at the same time. Fumbling a bit, she managed to grabbed the edge of her tanktop and dragged it upwards over her nose to try to stop from inhaling the toxic goo.

_'Sorry, ...cube-thing! Better you than me. And if robots really can get tumors, sorry again!'_ Chell curled downwards, waiting for the systems to shut off pressure to the damaged pipe. It had only taken a few seconds for the gush to turn into a drip and the fine mist of Conversion Gel stopped flying around the room. Orange and Blue just sat rebooting in the mist, not needing to breath and completely unharmed by the white gel. In fact, the white paint substance covered all the scratches, rust stains and oil grit they had gotten on themselves in Under-Aperture, returning them to a clean color.

Giving the vent a minute to set the goo to dry, Chell peeked around the frankencube cautiously. With all this exposure to toxic elements, what were the odds she was going to come out with cancer? Or tumors? Or a deadly mutation?

"... you don't want to know," GLaDOS said with a wince.

Chell wasn't sure what unnerved her more. The fact GLaDOS was reading her as a book (Chapter 7: Things I Shouldn't Be Inhaling), the fact she was possibly rolling with tumors, or the fact GLaDOS was trying to keep her from getting those tumors in the first place.

With a raspy clicking sound, Blue came back online first, followed by Orange. Both looked around the room with curiosity, though when their gaze fell on the ruined Bentley (and the steering wheel still in Blue's hands), Chell thought they were mourning the loss of the classic car. Each bot gave a quiet chirp, guilty gazes flickering between GLaDOS and the car.

"Oh, Mr. Johnson isn't just rolling in his grave, he's probably rotating at max centrifugal force as well," GLaDOS lamented, looking over the ruined Bentley regretfully.

The four of them sat there for a while, just listening to the sounds of the Enrichment Center. There was the hiss and clank of things traveling in the pneumatic tube system, the gurgle of fluid in nearby pipes, and the distant and unrecognizable echos of things. Surprisingly, no explosions, no klaxon alarms of death, and no Wheatley saying "AH crud! That wasn't supposed to happen!" following either of the sounds which happened not to be existing at the moment. Chell decided to take the lack of odd noises as a good thing.

"Well, I don't suppose you have a plan to get me back into the mainframe, do you?" GLaDOS had a snippy sarcastic tone, which meant the AI was irritated. So when Chell nodded that she indeed did have a plan, the gold optic widened and the lower handle of the sphere rose up in a gesture of surprise and delight. It only lasted a second though before GLaDOS lowered her shutters to her normal half glare. "Oh, a plan? I suppose you intent to climb above the DOS system and throw yourself at it shouting 'Death from Above!' and hoping your generousness is enough to pull him free?"

Chell's answer was the middle finger, and a cocky grin.

"You know, that gesture _really _shouldn't count as an answer to anything," GLaDOS didn't sound all that disgusted anymore though.

Giving the room one last look over, Chell's plan to escape solidified into something far too clear for someone who should have been all muddled from a concussion. Chell carefully put GLaDOS into Blue's arms and pulled out the pad of paper and began scribbling on the pages. Page after page she wrote, though her handwriting was obviously suffering and she couldn't get more than a dozen words on each piece of paper due to her spinning head causing the print to come out three sizes larger than she intended. It took almost the full block of the notebook to write her plan and pass each page to the AIs. Orange loomed over Blue's shoulder, reading each page as he did. GLaDOS was stuck reading at the pace the robot could handle, and by the time the full plan was communicated she was a frustrated and furious mess.

"No. This isn't a plan, it's a suicide map!" GLaDOS protested.

Chell's plan had been to split up and in groups set out into the Enrichment Center. Orange and Blue would go immediate to the turbine control sector and try to get the whole system away from Wheatley before he blew up everything. Chell and GLaDOS would continue to the hub to unseat Wheatley – but each would also go their own way. Chell would hook GLaDOS onto the management rail so the sphere could get herself to the hub, and Chell would go the old fashion way, but she would would do it _in plain sight_. The test subject was to be a distraction, deliberately gathering the full attention of any system she could on her way there to keep it off of Orange and Blue. The woman was positive that pressing the button on the floor of the tiny box they were trapped in would open the most obvious way out, but it would also trigger alerts that she had 'solved' the test and no doubt the DOS system would notice.

The reasoning in the human's mashed skull was she had done her most destructive work while being observed and she had been underestimated the whole time. The thought that Wheatley hadn't really meant to throw her down into the underside of Aperture was causing an uncomfortable sensation in the pit of her stomach though. It had been an accident... right? Even if it hadn't been, she still had a chance of escaping from his control of the systems, and forcing him to waste resources looking for her while the others made their way through.

Dangerous idea? Oh my** yes**. But all Chell's ideas were spur of the moment and rarely did any sort of planning other than _'I would like __**not**__ to die_' go into them.

"I refuse to go along with this plan, if you can call it that." GLaDOS was vehement on it. "You two _do _realize what her plan is, don't you? The Marshmallow has volunteered herself a target for every turret, laser, and – well- best not to upset her with how much testing components she hasn't yet seen..." GLaDOS was trying to get a rise out of the bots now.

Chell took GLaDOS from Blue with the intention of hooking the AI to the management rail, but the action seemed to break the stout bot out of his frozen shock. Blue gave a winding pitched cry, slamming forward, and snatched Chell up around the midsection in a unbreakable hug. His partner gave a similar and just as mournful sound as she tried to hug the human into submission. Chell was now trapped between two powerfully strong robots, neither of which wanted to let her go for this plan, and a cranky personality core jammed into her chest.

"I warned you. Hugging is a terrible thing. But did you listen? As always – no. And now your unfortunate bone structure is collapsing in on itself with 'love'." GLaDOS gave a sharp ping command to Orange and Blue to release Chell before her ribs here crushed.

Wheezing, Chell was put back on the ground and allowed to breathe, but the both robots still refused to let go, emoting a look of petulant determination not to allow the little human go be a target under Wheatley's control. The woman wasn't even going to _try_ to muscle the two robots to let go of her, it was like getting into a fight with a straight jacket (it really only made you look crazier). Instead, she turned her gaze to GLaDOS, and gave her a quizzical look, wondering just what was going on. Orange and Blue had always seemed protective before, but now they were alarmed at the thought of letting Chell go off on her own.

"Imprinting – like birds do. That's what they've done, you know. That was the software I put into the moron and inserted him into the tests with you as a 'partner'. He was there to gather the data, using the software, **without **imprinting. Of course, you threw a wrench, two rocks, and half the facility into THAT plan," GLaDOS sighed. "The half-wit imprinted anyway. Idiots banding together as a League of Extraordinary Idiots. Unable to retrieve the software from the Moron, Orange and Blue were instructed to gather data on testing as best as their primitive systems could manage, which lead to imprinting."

Orange rubbed the side of her core against Chell's shoulder, cuddling the small human. Blue had both Orange and Chell caught in a massive hug, acting as an anchor so the woman couldn't escape. If this was a guilt trip attempt by GLaDOS... it was the most successful she had ever attempted. Chell didn't want to go off on her own, she wanted to stay with the testing pair, and even with GLaDOS. However a cruel thought struck: if Wheatley had been hostile to Orange and Blue when freshly inserted into the DOS frame, how would he react to seeing how attached they were to 'his' human now? Wheatley had been openly hostile to GLaDOS as well, and there was no doubt he would be 'less than happy' to see the other AI.

And a 'less than happy' DOS system was typically a homicidal system.

There was no alternative on this escape plan anymore, it was going to have to be here they all parted ways. Chell leaned forward and joined in the hug, if only to say goodbye. GLaDOS was still curled against her side in her arm, and her right hand reached around Blue's arms to catch a hold of Orange's shoulder. It was an awkward hug and Chell was quite out of practice after god knows how long down here. She could not remember a time where someone else gave her a hug, all memories were now fading and twisting into her hazy mind.

_'If I forget everything else... don't let me forget these guys too.'_ Chell asked of her brain, clutching GLaDOS against her as she clenched her eyes shut.

_'Well, ok, but this ship cannea take much more o' this, cap'n!' _ Chell's brain wailed.

_'Hey guys, I'm back, what's I miss?' _ Chell's heart felt like it suddenly skipped a beat. _ 'Oh god, why is it all so sad?'_ And if an organ could cry, rest assured her heart would be bawling.

"Ok, _you win_, just stop hugging! Orange, Blue – both of you are to go to the Turbine Maintenance Station and pull all damaged systems back online. Repair anything you can... Orange, make sure Blue doesn't weld himself to something vital. The Marshmallow is capable of looking out for herself – probably."

There was a soft clicking from Orange as she drew out of the hug, disappointment laced into her chassis. Blue didn't want to let go of either of them though, and Chell gave him a sad smile and a pat on the core before his grip loosened.

Chell merely took GLaDOS in both hands and walked to the edge of the little room. The woman hopped up on a franken-cube who had tipped over along the wall and she reached over her head to steady herself below the management rail that had half fallen into the test chamber. The sphere fit into the mounted carriage in the same way the wall socket plugs worked. There was a click and a whir, and then GLaDOS was connected to the rail.

There was a pause from the AI, almost in shock at being plugged in. Then the core gave Chell a hesitant if a bit mollified look. "Ok, so I didn't realize how low I was on power because –guess what- the moron didn't install my cell charge monitor in correctly either. I had less than an hour of power left before enforced hibernation mode would be enforced." The redundancy department apparently had a 'Bureau of Computer Programming' Bureau in Aperture's facility somewhere. At this point, Chell wanted to find that office and either join it or trash everything.

Chell hopped down from the frankencube and turned the construct right-side-up. The little cube-ish bot gave a trill of confusion, and proceeded to crawl head first into the wall, and then forgetting how to back up it gave another mournful tone. Chell was guiding Orange and Blue to the spatter of Conversion Gel, encouraging them to use it to escape the small room. The woman hoped they knew where they were going, because she didn't have a clue how to get ANYWHERE in this maze. With all they had come across in the lower side of Aperture, Orange and Blue had not yet come face to interface with Aperture's little turret firing squads yet.

GLaDOS remained silent for a beat. There was whirr and click of processors as the AI brought her programs all on-line after selectively shutting down the non-essential ones to save her power. "Testing Initiative Pair, once the objective is completed … Override EnCen-04, Password Tier3." The little sphere moved down the rail ten feet, then turned and returned, working the roller carriage into a smooth motion.

Whatever that override code was, both robots stiffened and gave a solemn nod. Orange turned on her heel (the same leg Chell had repaired), and fired two portals in rapid succession. One on the wall in the testing chamber, and the other far outside against a stray panel in the distance. The stout robot clomped through, his own ASHPD at the ready and a determined look on his face.

_'It's like watching little birds leave the nest. God-speed little birds – however fast god-speed is. __Hope its faster than one of these hermit-turret things.' _ Chell's mind started to wander for a second before snapping back to attention.

GLaDOS was watching her, suspended on the rail at the edge of the chamber. She didn't say anything, the AI just sat there, watching- like one of those little red-eyed cameras that followed Chell's every action.

Awkward.

"Disregarding protocol for Aperture security procedures, data on the DOS chassis released to you without clearance. I am telling you the DOS system's greatest weakness for newly reset parameters like the Moron has now– Just solve the tests. Really. It's the best thing. Do whatever you can to keep his attention on you: So in other words – go be an idiot again."

Chell raised her eyebrow,_ 'Saying that seems to imply that I wasn't being an idiot at some point when you were along for the ride.' _Her lips quirked in an amused smile.

"And don't go getting yourself killed," GLaDOS pivoted on the rail and shot off, "That's my job!" the little sphere called out as she vanished down the line.

Seeing the little sphere speed off and finally being alone for the first time since she had woken up from the relaxation vault... Chell felt this was suddenly a very very bad idea.

* * *

><p>Giving the ex-escape party enough time to get away before doing something potentially stupid, Chell simply waited patiently. The little boxy-turret things continued their normal meandering about the room, only rarely paying any mind at all to the human, and Chell used one as a chair for the time being. By the time her 'chair' had pulled itself from one side of the room to the other, the woman figured it had been about ten minutes, or it was at least enough time for all the others to be out of range.<p>

Tipping the 'chair' onto its side and lifting it using the gravity gun of the ASHPD, Chell carefully placed it on the button and the door to the test chamber spun open. She had expected cameras all over this room, but there were none. Perhaps Wheatley –

Any thoughts were interrupted when the wall buckled outwards, two portal-proof plates slipping sideways, and a screen pushed through. It flickered with light before a familiar (and irritated) bright blue optic filled most of the screen.

"Finally! That only took, what... twelve hours for you to-,"

Now it was Wheatley's turn to have all his thoughts scrambled. Chell stood awkwardly beside the button, the little 'chair' (_'wait, it's NOT a chair, brain, stop being so crazy.'_ Chell chided herself) flailing its legs into the air. Raising one hand, she waved at the screen.

"Y-y...you're _alive!_" It was like a sigh and a excited gasp at the same time. Half the panels of the room gave a shudder and the lights all grew brighter. Wheatley leaned closer to the screen on his end, so close all Chell could see was his white hull and optic. "Aw, this is, this is brilliant! I can't believe it! You would _not_ believe it, because I don't believe it."

There was a longer pause as Wheatley's blue optic darted from Chell, to the crumpled form of the Bentley, to the ceiling. "Ah... I... Ok, I'm going to admit here luv, I have no clue why you're parking that beat up ol' Bentley in here, but it's rather rubbish, isn't it? Went through all the trouble of getting a car, Lord knows where, and then you park it through the ceiling? … not the brightest of ideas, but it did get you back in here. Though I suppose if I had a choice of climbing up miles and miles and driving a classy ol' car, I'd be driving. If I had hands... and feet..."

Rambling mode achieved.

Chell waited patiently for Wheatley to speak, a slight smile spreading the more he babbled. "After that... the... well, the whole mishap with the elevator, remember? Or maybe not, brain damage doesn't look like it's getting any better on you. But even if you don't remember, I'll tell you wot I've been doing!" The sphere swayed in the chassis, like someone too eager to sit still. "I didn't mean to send you down there, but after _She_ had the only other mobile robots in the facility knocked down there too, I had nothing to send down to get you out. So... I started tearing up the basement, and found there was a basement IN the basement! Like some kind of- of..." Wheatley hung on that for a second, trying to find the right description for the ancient labs below.

_'Under Aperture,'_ Chell nodded, understanding what he was trying to say. There was no malice or trace of insanity in the personality core. Just extreme excitement and energy as he rambled.

"Basement-Aperture," Wheatley agreed. "Oh, here, I think I can show you what I did!" He said, sounding extremely proud. The screen flickered and it was now showing a gaping hole in the bottom of the Enrichment Center. A giant metal hatch had been wrenched free from the concrete and the ground was littered with rubble as if he had been trying to dig the underside to the surface. Chell really didn't have the heart to tell him that digging didn't quite work that way. In the process, Wheatley had made several pipe connections with the Under Aperture facility, and the colored gels were now being pumped into the Enrichment Center. It explained why it had rained Conversion Gel down on Chell ten minutes ago.

"I tried sending the deer down there to get you but after the first dozen didn't respond, I thought they might be having some kind of fun down there. …. Ok, and after the second dozen, yeah, less 'fun' and more 'destroyed on impact'. Wow, I really cannot believe you survived that fall!" The screen went back to Wheatley, firmly in the chassis and his optic looked Chell over.

The human had been following him until this point, and was now hung-up on one thing. _ 'Deer?'_ Chell blinked, looking around the room as if ninja deer were hiding in the shadows. One of the franken-turrets plowed into her knees from behind, rumbling in confusion at the sudden obstacle.

Wheatley bobbed on the screen. "Yeah, deer! Those little things: Deer! Like on the surface, right?"

_'… Ok, so that deer I drew him a picture of wasn't THAT bad, was it?' _ Chell raised an eyebrow. If this was the terrible destruction that GLaDOS was afraid of - some bastardized cube/turrets and tearing up the basement - then Chell felt that GLaDOS had overreacted. The rumbling they had heard from deep below ground must have been Wheatley tearing the snot out of the basement to get into lower Aperture. Granted, it was probably a bad thing he was destroying the foundation of the facility, but it sure beat the hell out of exploding the turbines.

"You wouldn't believe how much stuff there is to do around here! I thought it would be just all fun and games once I was in the mainframe, but –WOW- there's a _ton_ of stuff here!" Wheatley began to dismantle the testing room wall pane by pane, a long glass tube for an elevator shaft building itself through the space. "Like, did you know that Basement-Aperture has some sort of sealed off computer systems? Ancient, really, but they all still worked! I started pulling those files open, trying to find any sort of camera system to look for you down here. Oh, here, step into this elevator, luv. The door doesn't really lead anywhere. Just for show, for the deer." From the newly made hole in the wall, a section of vacuum tubing containing an elevator was being pushed closer to the test room.

Trying not to hesitate or show just how nervous she was around the elevators, Chell stepped in and latched onto the guide rail inside the glass tube shaft with a death grip. Dizzy with vertigo, Chell sank to her knees as the elevator jolted and then began to slide upwards.

The whole time Wheatley continued to talk either assuming Chell's slightly slumped form was her 'elevator riding position' form or perhaps he didn't notice at all. First he mentioned Cave Johnson. "Oh, stuff I found out while you were away. Did you know that Former-CEO Cave Johnson ended up dying of lunar poisoning? Well, that and mercury poisoning, excessive radiation, a touch of mantis venom, and a good dose of heart failure. Bit tragic. Built only the greatest mainframe in history, then fail to see it completed." The 'Former-CEO' tag on Cave's name made Chell wonder if it was the DOS chassis that insisted on such an odd title, not GLaDOS herself.

Chell cocked her head at the speaker in the elevator. Cave Johnson was responsible for building the DOS frame? Then... that meant he was responsible for building GLaDOS too. So GLaDOS's memory of him might not have been all from the vitrified database – she might have actually known him? The thoughts rattled around her head like bats in a cave.

"Heh, I'm going to release a little confidential information to you. You know- as a 'pology for droppin' you down there, in the basement." Wheatley gave a conspiratorial chuckle. "Better sit down for this, mate, it's a shocker... oh wait, you are already sitting. Ok then. Well-," and the core lodged in the mainframe database began to completely disregard ALL security protocol and just gushed information about the entire history of the DOS system and pre-Enrichment Center studies at Chell.

* * *

><p>It had taken the elevator nearly a half hour to get where it was trying to go. Wheatley had talked the entire time, and every time Chell thought <em>'this cannot get any stranger'<em>, the conversation got ten times weirder just to spite her.

GLaDOS was... Caroline? No, Wheatley paused after telling her that, instead amending it to be that Caroline had been turned into a pre-Personality sphere product and then embedded into the AI's very core subroutines. Caroline was implanted as a guide for the newly created GLaDOS to follow. Cave Johnson died only a few years before the completion of the project and named Caroline as his replacement – but only if she was willing to do it from inside the DOS system.

_'What a bastard', _ Chell frowned. She was back to the idea of kicking Cave Johnson right in the nads should his reincarnated ghost ever walk this world again. It would be 'the kick that was felt around the world (by all men in sympathy pain)' should she ever have the need to use it. Wheatley had even found Cave's old 'lemon speech', which Aperture had saved in the database as part of the employee hiring training course.

Nothing inspires respect, motivation, and a healthy dose of terror like hearing your boss scream madly about burning things down with citrus fruits.

Wheatley was digging around in scientist's notes, reading off directory mission statements on the project as he went. The Caroline conversion had failed, initially. What was meant to be the guideline and frame to form GLaDOS around wasn't strong enough to influence a half-sentient turret, let alone the most power processor in the world. In disappointment, the scientists cobbled together whatever they could at that point to finish off the system, using Caroline as sort of a basic parameter. GLaDOS lacked any sort of human behavior emulation at creation, and was rather prone to trying to murder everything around her mere nano-seconds after being turned on every single time.

That was where all the personality cores came into play. If the GLaDOS system couldn't get the guidance from Caroline's conversion, the AI would get it by being 'force-fed' an onslaught of human reactions. Dozens of personality cores - all programmed to emulate the strongest emotion of their specific type- were built and attached to the chassis in a rotating basis. While the personality cores were attached, GLaDOS strongly reacted to the emotions they represented, but even after being removed residual data remained permanently in the system. The longer a core stayed attached, the more data that would saturate her systems.

"Yeah... didn't work to well, did it? Made the dragon sort of, well, crazy" Wheatley finished off the directory. "Anger core... who would WANT a murderous AI even angrier? It's ridiculous!"

Chell was shell-shocked, arms curled under her knees as she stared into space. So Caroline had died in Aperture? The only sane person in this whole damn insane facility had died due to a complete failure of the project that was her legacy from Cave Johnson? And why was Wheatley telling her this?

The feeling of dread was returning.

The elevator shot upwards, passing test after test without stopping. The vast space of the testing facility began to change into the cramped and dense layers of the computer and research development labs. GLaDOS's last words came back to Chell in a barely remembered rush. _"Just solve the tests. Really. It's the best thing. Do whatever you can to keep his attention on you."_

So far Wheatley had been nosing around in the systems just reading data and showing her what he had done. Right now, his attention was on himself and his actions. The little elevator was equip with a small screen on the panel in place of any sort of controls, and Wheatley continued to rock back and forth in the DOS chassis as he chattered.

Chell really did not want to use the plan any more, but she was afraid of the alternative. Raising her hand to the glass wall of the elevator, she gave a sharp rap on the surface.

"Huh-yes? Wot is it?" The elevator slowed slightly as Wheatley realized the woman was trying to gain his attention.

Raising the ASHPD over her head, Chell tapped it with her left index finger and pointed out at one of the modular testing buildings with her other hand.

"You... wot?" Pausing, Wheatley tried to break down the pantomime. "Oh, you want to go out testing?"

Chell's normal answer to this would've been 'oh hell no', followed by giving someone the bird, but GLaDOS had been as serious about this as possible. The woman nodded, her ponytail bobbing.

The elevator came to a halt, wedged between two floors. "Really? You sure? I thought you'd like my surprise a lot more than testing." He sounded intrigued, not at all disappointed.

A horrible shiver ran up Chell's spine at the mention of 'surprise'. Yep. Her mind was now linking that word with 'horrible death trap' due to repeated conditioning to expect the worst at that word. Locking her spine as straight as possible to hide the shudder, she nodded energetically. _'Yes! Testing! It's great, and full of science. I MUST TEST.'_

"Well, alright! This is perfect anyway! Oh, you cannot believe how _good_ testing feels. Certainly is a lot different than when we were doing those tests. I think the mainframe is responsible for some sort of reward for testing. Oh man alive, it was _amazing, _and that was just using the deer to try to test for me – not a huge success, I will admit." Wheatley sighed, the elevator now dropping downwards. "But I guess we can test for a bit before my surprise. Hey – d'you wanna know wot my surprise is?" The armor hull of the little sphere flexed outwards, preening.

Wanting to shake her head and cower, Chell instead gave him a look that said, '_But it would spoil the surprise,' _and hoped he would remain silent on it. The less Chell knew, the better.

Completely misinterpreting the look to be one of interest, Wheatley continued on. "It's brilliant really. Best idea yet! So you know how they took little Caroline, all meat and human and so very small – and they put her into the mainframe?" Wheatley's image crackled over the elevator's small vid-screen. "Well, I thought, 'If a bunch of humans can turn her _almost_ into a personality sphere, why can't I have you put into one and have it work?' Honestly, most brilliant idea ever, eh? Then you wouldn't have to leave, you could just stay here. And really, you can't be too attached to that body you have, it's all beaten up!"

The first reaction Chell had she wasn't able to stop. It was the middle finger rising in earnest fury. Her look of terror and horror she managed to mask under the fierce glare. It was a horror at Wheatley wanting to reach into her brain, yank her mind out, and shove it into a little metal shell. If it didn't end well for Caroline with neurosurgeons doing it – just how splattered would she end up with the Intelligence Dampening core trying?

"Wait-wait-wait... ok, I didn't mean it like that. I mean, you are obviously attached to your body. And it IS a nice body – as far as humans go, I'm sure. But, com'mon! You'd be in the system here, I'd even let you be my test core and continue testing – though it might be hard without arms and legs." His words running away from him, Wheatley could see he wasn't really making his point very eloquently. However he was programmed to make the very worst of choices – and this one was going to win the gold in the Moron Olympics.

Emphatically shaking her head (No-No-Nononono) again and again, the elevator suddenly spun and whirled as her bruised brain began to remind her that she WAS still concussed. Chell steadied herself against the wall with her palm, curling the ASHPD into her chest. This was NOT how her plan was supposed to go. If she had just placidly gone along for the ride to get closer to Wheatley, she would have had her brain drilled out!

"Well, we'll do some testing first. Maybe that will change your mind – or something." Wheatley's normal sweet babble suddenly dropped to a much darker shade.

Never did Chell think she would ever be so happy at the thought of testing, but compared to the alternative – let the games begin.


	21. Stalking is not a hobby

I have gone back and cleaned up some of the earlier chapters, since I wasn't running with a beta then and I am a known meddler. I finish something, I come back much later, and I REALLY finish it then. Compared to the other chapters, this one was a little short, but it wrote itself fairly quickly.

Ah, the end is approaching! IT IS THE END TIMES! *parades around with a cardboard sign proclaiming this* In just a few more chapters, then I can be done and claim I have not failed to finish this fic. Between working on emergency rush christmas gifts, playing Magicka and Portal 2 with co-op partners and general lols, I find myself awfully busy. I really want to do some art for this fic and slap it up on my deviant account, but I'm having trouble finding the time.

My goal is to finish this story before Christmas. Here I go now!

Sarcasm Still Valid

12/5/11

* * *

><p>Being back in 'officially sanctioned' Enrichment Center tests would be like riding a bike again, Chell had figured. A bike that wanted to buck you off and grind you under it's tires and do painful things with its bicycle chain to you. Of course, there was the whole problem where Chell realized she didn't know how to ride a bike (probably), and that she was also currently lacking in the fine motor control needed to do so as well due to repeated brain damage.<p>

But that was optimism speaking really.

The first test was one Wheatley took full credit for constructing on his own, and he claimed the 'deer' could even complete it. However that was because _it was one pedestal button_ and after pressing that button, a cube would be dispensed right onto the super button. It was a self-solving test! There wasn't even anyway to die, or to commit suicide in shame. It was so pathetic Chell found she was blushing in empathy for any embarrassment Wheatley might be feeling. After all the tests that were geared towards killing her, it was almost like being taken out of college grade classes to go back to kindergarten to figure out how to use safety scissors without killing yourself. Oh god, how embarrassing.

No... not embarrassing, it was insulting! Wheatley had been there with Chell to see what she was capable of during testing! The stubborn streak a mile wide suddenly opened up in the human and she went from pity to fury. Boycott! Sitting on the floor cross legged, she put the portal gun in her lap and glared. She was NOT a trained dog! If GLaDOS hadn't managed to break her with her diabolically difficult tests, Chell wasn't going to perform on command!

"Oh... Come on. I – hmm... I'll give you a hint? How 'bout it? Button." Wheatley tempted.

_'Screw the button!'_ So for a good 5 minutes, Chell sat there, fueled by anger at this demeaning test. What was next, using the portal to device to ACTUALLY portal in testing? Jumping? The angry and violent return of emancipation grills?

"Ok, so you are a test connoisseur and this one doesn't meet your standards. Aw'right, I can promise the next one will be much more difficult. Loads harder. Just... com'mon, button, yeh?" Wheatley pleaded, his little frame actually twitching every few moments with a motor tic.

Or like the tic of someone in need of some sort of addiction fix.

Chell stood up and tried to stow away the irritation, trying to judge how long it had been since Orange and Blue set out. If the turbine systems were in danger of exploding, they had less than three hours – if not, they had another twelve hours to set things straight before simple neglect would put the system into danger. That meant Chell had to burn at least 3 hours of testing before she escaped from the rooms and made her own way to the hub. There was no rush, all Chell had to do was keep attention on herself, solve tests, and convince Wheatley that she was more useful as a test subject than a sphere.

She just wasn't sure how to do the last part yet.

With a disappointed sigh, Chell pressed the button on the pedestal and watched as the vent system dispensed a 'deer'-cube right onto the button.

Test completed.

The lights fluttered, dimming and brightening, as there was a sudden outburst from the monitor. "Ohhh yesss. Ohh, well done..." Wheatley sighed in delight. "T-that's tremendous."

The test subject was pretty sure her remaining brain cells had jumped ship quite suddenly. She had to have just had a little mini-stroke or something – she could not really have interpreted that correctly. It had to be the computer equivalent of a nice hot bath or maybe a freaking delicious piece of cake. Chell shivered for a moment, rearranging her thoughts with all the precision of a high-payload explosion so that her mind now told her any reaction Wheatley had was now one of pride and delight at watching a friend complete a test.

Denial wasn't just a river in Egypt... but just for today Egypt was wondering why their river was now running squarely through Michigan.

Sighing contentedly, Wheatley watched Chell with a lazy, half shuttered optic. The human had never seen him so languid, his voice had dropped from his cheerful tone to a lazy and pleased drawl. If he were human, it would be reasonable to think he had just-_'don'tthinkaboutit don'tthinkaboutit!'_ Chell winced at the thought. Despite not thinking about it, Chell's face was flushed in embarrassment. Not thinking about something was an awful lot of work.

Stiffening her spine, Chell scurried to the exit of the test, escorting herself through the doors and into the elevator. "Oh-hoho, that felt really good." Wheatley rotated his eye piece as he watched her in the elevator. "And like I promised, I've got some harder tests for you. That should feel much better. For everyone."

_'M-maybe he's just happy to see me again, I was gone for a while.'_ Chell shivered.

_'… yeah... sure.' _ Chell's barely operating brain had now taken over GLaDOS's highly packed sarcastic comments. _ 'He's just __**happy**__ to see you. And hey, whaddya know, it IS just a potato in your pants!'_

Mentally flipping herself off, Chell slumped into her normal elevator riding position, feeling like the elevator was now three times too larger for her. The woman expected Wheatley to take hours to build a new test, or even a few minutes while he moved the button from one side of the room to the other but left everything else the same. When the elevator came to a jerky halt not even a minute later, Chell found she was staring into a completed and very unusual looking test chamber.

However the modular test room was an actual test and was quite obviously not one of Wheatley's designs. As a 'gourmand' of tests, Chell could see GLaDOS's test building techniques a mile away, and new and strange elements were added to them. Such as the Excursion Funnel.

Or as Chell was going to refer to it as, the 'OH CRAP, TURN GRAVITY BACK ON' funnel.

"You happen to be upside down on the ceiling, luv. Not sure if you noticed, but the test isn't quite that high up." Wheatley watched as Chell became completely disoriented. Her head injury left her with an overwhelming sense of vertigo. Seeing herself moving but unable to feel an propulsion from the funnel was disorienting to the point that she started to wonder if being put into a sphere wasn't a better idea than this.

Chell felt her stomach turn and lurch as she escaped the gravity funnel, tumbling out of the pulse and barely managing to stick the dismount without falling on her face. Saying a quick prayer for the room to stop doing its impression of the inside of a dryer, the woman found steady footing again. Once Chell realized she could portal the Excursion funnel around like a dizzying version of the Hard Light bridges, it took almost no time at all. Finishing the test quickly after that – excursion funnel beam mastered (if nausea counts as 'mastery')- Chell released the 'deer' to float up and press the button to release her.

Test complete! The woman paused, listening out of a sort of train-wreck curiosity. Perhaps the reaction to solving tests wasn't-

"Ooooohhhh wow," Wheatley groaned... and all the flesh on Chell's arms raised with goosebumps. "Well done. Seriously, grade-A tester. No wonder you were test subject #1 in the database instead of- other number- whatever it was. Why don't you go on ahead, yeh? I'll catch up." The core seated in the DOS system gave a sigh, languid and pleased.

Stumbling out the door quickly, Chell fought down a huge shudder. Ok, it had been 'cute' when Wheatley was being jealous of the defective turret they had found, and of Orange and Blue... but using her test results as 'wank-material' was-OH GOD DON'T THINK ABOUT IT! Chell was using an awful lot of energy to try to keep from thinking about things now, and a headache was pounding behind her eyes.

It was like some kind of crazy dream. One of those dreams where you realize half way in you are missing your shoes, which morphs into losing your pants, and by the end of the dream you are entirely naked and have no clue how it happened. Those dreams usually end with your best friend _finally_ pointing out the obvious – such as "HEY! You're naked!... you should do something about that," followed by everyone in the dream now staring in amazement.

Or just staring like horny bastards.

Slumped in the elevator, Chell shuddered again.

"Hey."

Chell blinked. That hadn't been Wheatley's voice in the elevator. It was GLaDOS.

_'Hey, mysteriously disembodied voice of GLaDOS... how are you doing?' _ Looking out of the tube, hoping to catch a glimpse of the AI in question, Chell found there was no sign of the little sphere at all.

"Don't bother. I'm not out there. I've opened a link into the systems to see what kind of damage the moron has done and what needs to be fixed." GLaDOS didn't appear on the little screen built into the elevator and it was snowy with only static. "He's completely locked me out of everything. I am unable to even issue any tier3 passwords to stop his idiot plan. By the way – nice testing."

If GLaDOS was teasing her about Wheatley's 'happy' reaction to solving the tests, Chell had no patience for it. Her face was burning brightly as she frowned, unsure where to aim her ire and just kind of exuding anger like a small pissy cloud.

GLaDOS was deliberately oblivious to Chell's ire. "I have shut down and disabled all communication with the mainframe to the elevators. If the Moron wants to talk to you, he'll have to wait for you to leave. I will say this for his skills though, he by **far** exceeds your destructive capabilities." GLaDOS's voice came over the small box speaker quite clearly. "He's damaged the foundation seriously. Almost a quarter of the Enrichment center is in danger of collapsing in on itself. Not to mention the turbines – oh my poor turbines. They never tried to kill anyone." The AI mock-lamented. "The damage to them in neglect alone puts a destruction timer at approximately 10 hours."

There was a long pause from the speaker and Chell was beginning to wonder if GLaDOS was still there. Then the AI spoke in a hesitating tone. "This- I can't believe I have to ask you to do this-," The AI cut herself off again, disgusted. "You are going to have to try much harder to keep the Moron's attention. With every successfully completed test, the mainframe becomes accustom to the solution euphoria. Once he starts building up a resistance to the testing solution euphoria release – or the 'disgusting pervert' reaction – the Moron will start getting bored."

Chell cocked her head up at the ceiling, unsure why this mattered to GLaDOS much. The AI probably thought it was hilarious the human was in danger of being extracted from her body and stuffed into a personality core too. Perhaps it was ironic justice.

It became clear that GLaDOS didn't find it very funny at all though. Quite seriously, the AI explained, "Orange and Blue did not learn _any_ stealth from you, it would appear. They are just taking the most direct routes and have none of your camera-paranoia. It's taking my entire focus in this system just to disrupt the cameras while they pass by."

Even as concussed as she was, Chell realized it was only Wheatley's complete neglect on anything but testing that was currently keeping the pair of robots unseen. Raising an eyebrow, Chell wondered just how flamboyantly she'd have to test to keep his attention when the euphoria started to wear off.

Continuing to speak with an appalled tone, GLaDOS gave her the answer to her unasked question. "The Moron has developed a system wide fixation on you. Layman's terms: Congratulations, you have acquired a stalker. A stalker who very much would like to turn you into a personality sphere so he can interface with you. And YES, it is as filthy as it sounds. You shouldn't have to try hard to keep his attention if you... 'encourage' him."

The blush had now become a full body flush, and Chell was praying the elevator would suddenly decide to dump her back into Under Aperture again.

_'I quit. That's it. I just quit.'_ Chell's brain packed it's figurative bags.

_'You can't quit! Come back! I can't run this ship on my own!' _ The woman's heart had locked up in an panic as well.

Chell herself was doing what any sane person would do upon realizing you have gotten yet another computer stalker, and this one had an extremely disturbing idea of love. She went into denial mode. NOPE! No problems here! Wheatley was just completely clueless on how humans worked – and probably a little lonely. Yeah, that's about right. No extremely horrifying thoughts in here!

When Chell came back to her senses, the elevator had stopped moving and the doors were open upon a new test.

GLaDOS's voice, quiet over the speakers, kicked in. "Ok, so brain damage and disturbing news really don't go together well. You went catatonic for a good two minutes. Get testing, before he starts to get bored again!"

Suddenly scraps of memories began to click together in Chell's mind. Things Wheatley had told her – about Caroline and GLaDOS. While in the DOS system GLaDOS seemed only to lie, but all the lies held some grain of truth and Chell had grown used to deciphering them. On the opposite side, Wheatley seemed only to tell the truth while in the DOS system, but it was a truth that was so complicated he was likely to forget to tell her the one thing that would be vital. Chell wanted an answer to this question, lie or truth it didn't matter.

Chell fished out a scrap of paper that she had used earlier, scribbling a message onto the reverse side. "Is Caroline you?" Once she wrote it though, Chell was aware it wasn't the question she had wanted to ask. The proper words would not come to her.

"All those lessons on grammar and etiquette were apparently a complete waste," GLaDOS muttered, almost inaudible. "Are you suffering from brain hemorrhaging now? I'm GLaDOS. Generic Lifeform and Disc Operating System, remember? I'm the system who has been trying to get revenge since you murdered me... or maybe you can't remember anymore – in which case _I am your best friend._" The answer was generated automatically, and contained a proper amount of disdain, sarcasm, and creepy undertones for Chell to write it off as 'normal'.

"Wheatley said-," Chell started to write.

"And you believed him?" GLaDOS had to have a camera somewhere in the elevator that she was getting a live feed through, and her voice burst through the speakers in a wave of static.

Chell just nodded. _ 'Yes.' _And it was true. She would take almost anything Wheatley said as the truth (adding in his perchance for being wildly-inaccurate at times, but still believing his own misinformation 100%). It didn't mean she trusted him though. That had been shattered sometime during the long fall into the lower facilities. Yet another thing Chell didn't want to think about right now.

GLaDOS kept her tone monotonous and level, but irritation bled through anyway. "You know... gullible is written on the ceiling."

Without thinking, Chell looked up at the ceiling before realizing what exactly GLaDOS had said.

"Wow... and you actually listened." The AI gave an amused chuckle.

Stumbling to her feet, Chell rubbed at her arm, soothing away the frustration at being 'had'. The test was looking more inviting than being taunted with flagrant amounts of sarcasm.

"And one more thing..." GLaDOS's voice became much softer, almost a whisper or a sub-speaker hush. "I never had that strong of a reaction as the pervert is having. My testing was always beneficial to science – so I deny everything!" There was a click and a pop as the connection in the elevator was broken.

Now Chell stood in the entrance of the test, wondering just how much of _that _was denial from the AI. _'I have now learned my lesson to not ask questions to answers I don't want to hear. Nope, I certainly heard nothing at all from GLaDOS,' _ the human thought quite cheerfully in her denial-mode state, and she entered the testing room with a forced spring in her step.

* * *

><p>"Taking your sweet time in that elevator, dear?" Wheatley's giant monitor was positioned on the wall facing the entrance to the test. "I would have been in there with you. Talking you through the whole elevator riding process – but I seem to have an issue with the elevator systems. Not a problem-not a problem at all- just a slight communicate issue."<p>

Ah, yes, the 'issue'. Chell felt uncharacteristically grateful to GLaDOS now for severing Wheatley's vision in the small elevators now. The warning the AI had given her was still fresh in her head – keep his attention on testing. If Chell had to test with a mock-vigor then she would – death or implanting her personality into a sphere was hardly a option. She was going to march right into that test and-

Except, the test had no ground. Yep. Definitely no ground. Marching into a room with no floor was probably a very poor life choice. All the test had was an excursion funnel, some panels, and a franken-deer who was trapped in the dispenser system wondering just why it was in a glass prison. Chell wondered if Wheatley had disabled their firing system in order to keep them from all committing suicide at their terrible life.

"Well, don't worry about those elevators. I'll fix it up –somehow— and then we can talk again, just like old times. Oh... or wait, I guess _I'll_ talk, and you'll just kind of nod. That was nice, back then. And when you get tired of testing, we can go ahead with the surprise too." Babbling onwards, enraptured by the potential euphoria from testing and whatever plans he had for Chell-sphere was-

_'ME. STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT.' _Chell wanted to box herself in the head to dislodge the thought. However another blow to the skull would probably knock her unconscious.

With no ground at all to catch her if she fell, Chell began testing with extreme paranoia and caution. Every portal was carefully thought out and placed in a test run long before she ever jumped into the excursion funnel. Even the portals set up to bring the little deer-cube to herself was done with care, the little disposable robot awkwardly shivering the whole time it traveled through the funnel until it was in her grasp. Throughout the entire test, Wheatley twisted and swung the massive monitor to always observe Chell. The urge to escape was still present, as always, and Chell found herself wondering if she could get out of the test rooms via those massive panel monitors...

But if she escaped now, it would have Orange and Blue completely exposed. '_Those bots... I swear I'll have to teach them how not to be seen. And hiding behind a single pylon or behind each other doesn't cut it.'_ Chell huffed. Had the woman been in a little more conscious state rather than losing herself to her jumbled thoughts and the test, she would have noted the idea of failure to remove Wheatley from the system never entered her mind. Her subconscious refused to accept the fact that defeat might be a possibility, and so the thought never struck a nerve.

Even with her brain was pretending it was a martini (shaken, not stirred), Chell was still the same she had always been. Stubborn, determined, tenacious, and a little bit crazy. She could deny it all she wanted to – but to be able to survive in Aperture, being crazy is a requirement.

The test was now almost complete. All that remained was to put the cube on the button. Something caused Chell to hesitate though. With the 'deer' cube held with the gravity gun, Chell looked over towards Wheatley's monitor for some sort of reaction or justification.

"Aw, com'mon! Yer almost there!" Wheatley's voice was pleading, more urgent that disgusted by her hesitation, and his approximation of an accent was becoming distorted by sharp auto-tuned features. "Just put the cube on the butto-AAAHG!" The sharp cry degraded into a mashed up caliber of digital sounds, all of them of pain. On the monitor static blazed but Chell could see the chassis of the DOS system pitching and jerking as it was struck by a live electric current.

Chell slammed the cube onto the button immediately, horrified at Wheatley's sudden distress. If whatever he had just done had caused pain, then the euphoria release from solving the test should negate it. Chell couldn't claim that was her idea though – she honestly just put the cube down because it was heavy and she was panicked, the button was just conveniently right in front of her.

The cry of pain twisted into an approximation of a groan. "Unngg, that's... much better. Much much _much_ better," Wheatley sighed. "Er, the solving the test part was better, not the hurty thing that happened when I tried to give you some help. Bloody rude way to get rid of that itch, by 500 volts to the chassis when I almost gave away the test. Sorry there, looks like you'll have to just figure out the tests on your own." The sphere shuddered, his plates compacting back around him instead of the normally extended positions they held.

Assuming Wheatley meant to compare the symptoms of euphoria withdrawal to an 'itch', Chell reached up and made a motion of scratching at her arm.

"Wot? Oh, yeah, its not really an itch though. I just gotta do it-gotta do it." He repeated, sounding a little more desperate the second time. "And that jolt didn't make it go away. At all. It just kind of got annoying for a while. Wow, let me tell you, I think it's _worse _now. You should keep testing." The fact Wheatley sounded excited about this, like someone told him Christmas came five months early and merged with his birthday once again put Chell's nerves on edge.

The woman quickly dodged into the elevator, pausing to wave slightly at the monitor as she left. The act of waving- whether it was at Orange and Blue, the old Wheatley on his management rail, or at the red eye'd cameras GLaDOS had watching her – had always set her nerves calm.

"Yeah, I'll be waiting for you." And even though Wheatley said it in a pleased and level tone, it caused goosebumps ON her goosebumps. Well, that undid any of the feel-good mood that waving had accomplished... _great._

GLaDOS had set several sensors to detect Chell once she got into the elevator, and immediately opened a communication line. Wherever the little sphere was secreted away was a mystery but the AI had no problem broadcasting a message to the elevators. The cool voice spoke in an auto-tuned monotone once the elevator doors had closed. "Initiating Bad News Protcol in three... two... one..." GLaDOS didn't bother to sugar-coat anything she had ever said, so why start now? "The Moron has found the reserve collection of tests, total amount of tests in storage is about– ha, wouldn't you like to know? The result – you will be testing for a very... very...long time."

Chell rubbed at her cheek, frowning. Great, a nearly limitless supply of tests now in Wheatley's hands. So much for hoping it would take him time to build new tests.

"Initiating Worse News Protocol – the tests are all in a severe state of disrepair, and the Moron isn't bothering to maintain them. Caution is to be used around all vital testing equipment, as it probably will explode and kill you."

Slumping against the glass elevator, Chell sighed. '_When it rains, it pours.'_

"Initiating Catch-22 Good News Paradox - He is setting up the test circuit in a track not too far from the mainframe's hub. But if you escaped now, before the turbines are repaired, even a Moron can figure out where you would be going and can just flood the entire area with neurotoxin. If you don't escape soon the brain damage will probably finish you off." GLaDOS finished her news bulletin report, and her voice returned to her normal inflection. "So... we're doomed. The paradox dictates it."

Paradox... Chell's gray eyes narrowed a bit as the word bounced around in her head. While she had been in the garage in the lower section, she had remembered seeing tattered posters on the walls. Ones warning that in case of rogue AI... to initiate a paradox. Fishing a scrap of paper out of her pocket, Chell wrote "Can we use a paradox on Wheatley?" There was simply no good way to mime 'paradox' unless you were a theoretical mime master.

GLaDOS watched from an unseen camera, reading the scribbled message. "You are asking if a basic logic paradox would stop the reign of the Moron King? That is ridiculous. All Aperture technology has more than enough processing power and emotion-core logic to understand or disregard paradoxes. Only the early and primitive basic models of the Aperture Human-Robot program did not have the processing power to comprehend a paradox."

It was a disappointment to hear that, but Chell wasn't exactly able to speak a paradox even if it would have worked. If GLaDOS had revealed herself to unleash the paradox – well.. it was best if Wheatley did not know the little sphere was back in Aperture. Chell had the feeling that news would not sit well with Wheatley.

GLaDOS spoke with a voice like someone reading a fairy tale to a indolent little child who didn't want to go to bed and was demanding a story as a delay tactic in hopes something terribly exciting would happen to delay bed further. Which is to say, the AI sounded frustrated and forcefully happy. "Performing human testing without the ability to comprehend a paradox is in itself a paradox. In fact, it is called Stapp's Ironical Paradox, in which it states '_The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle.'_ Congratulations on defying the odds on that and escaping from the facili—oh wait. Well how about defying the odds and destroying the most power AI in the – oh, a bit ironic. Perhaps you are defying the odds to remove a tumor from the mainframe who is set on destroy- ah yes." GLaDOS changed her pitch, once again her normal clipped tones. "See. You **are** a paradox. Any success you have is either undone, or in itself a miracle. Yet there you are, still trying."

It sounded to Chell like GLaDOS was angry, though the AI kept her tone level. There was more sarcasm and aggression coming from the sphere than the human had recently heard. Having an argument was going to take more energy than Chell had. Instead, she folded her arms over her chest, bowed her head and her eyes slipped closed, hoping the elevator ride would at least be long enough to get a few moments of sleep. She had long since become a 'black-belt' in ignoring sarcasm for cat naps.

"Ok, so arguing isn't getting us anywhere." GLaDOS admit reluctantly, seeing Chell put 'ignore-mode' on high-alert.

_'A one sided argument is pretty much the same as fighting with yourself.' _It really was for the best that Chell couldn't speak, as that thought probably would have set GLaDOS off on a rant again. Chell cracked an eye open, unhappily looking up at the ceiling where she assumed the camera was. Whatever had started GLaDOS's angry bad news laden tirade, the test-subject had no clue. Someone spat in her cereal? Pushed vital testing equipment off a ledge? Formatted all her directories?

_'Oh wait... maybe it's that instead of destroying all cameras, televisions, whatever, and trying to escape, I'm being a 'good test subject' for Wheatley. She probably thinks I enjoy ruining science, or clubbing baby seals.'_ Chell blinked with the realization. To her knowledge, she had _never_ been a 'good' test subject. She had been an exceptionally crafty one, but 'good' test subjects don't inevitably try to kill you in the end.

GLaDOS was right though – fighting wouldn't help fix things. The woman raised her hand in acknowledgment, waving at what she assumed was the camera (or maybe it was just a stain on the wall, geez, her vision was fuzzy from one too many blow to the skull).

The elevator gave a lurch, starting to slow down as it approached the next test. "Assuming the next test track doesn't crumble the foundation and drop everything into the lower reaches of Aperture – again – I'll have a signal set up in all future elevators. In case you find you have the need to apologize for putting the Moron in charge or for any of your other terrible deeds." GLaDOS gave a snide remark.

Chell promptly translated it from 'bitter computer' to english. The AI was going to have sensors receiving in the elevators, just in case Chell needed help along the way. Or perhaps in case GLaDOS found something to gloat about. Or both. Even as much as Chell hated cameras, she had come to the conclusion that she really hated being alone in small and enclosed spaces. Granted, having a robot sized buddy (or two) in the small and enclosed space was like being reincarnated as a sardine, but at least you knew you weren't going to die alone.

Someone else was going to be screaming madly with you when the end came at 200 miles per hour- into an immovable force.

_'Way to go, me, that __**really**__ made me feel better.' _ Chell shuddered, stepping out of the elevator.

The doors to the elevator hissed shut on pneumatic hinges with a whine that sounded almost like someone saying "Good Luck".

* * *

><p>Wheatley's tests were indeed badly decaying and falling apart at the seams. Quite literally, he was jamming two tests together and a ugly scar-like seam was left crumbling into the void below.<p>

"Hold on! Hold on there, don't come in yet!" Wheatley swung several panel arms up, barring entrance to the test chamber as the room shifted around. "Sorry luv, reconstructing. A bit shabby really, and I know you like difficult tests. This one was a little... broken. So I found another broken one and I'll put them together for you. Just like that, bam, fixed."

Chell peered over the panel arms, her fingers curling over the edge of the plate to look down. Where the panel once fit into the floor there was a gaping hole and a perfectly positioned maintenance catwalk just below. How cruel, this catch-22 was. GLaDOS was right. If she escaped now, Wheatley would immediately assume something was up, and if this testing track was really as close to the hub as GLaDOS said, getting off the grid would be difficult. There was no choice but to endure testing for several hours and from there see where she was.

The crunch of metal and breaking ceramic finally stopped with a long creek, and the test fell silent. "There we go. Good as new. Hardly tell, can you, that it was made from two unrelated tests?"

Chell made a bit of a face. The whole point of the test chambers was that there was a solution to get out. By jamming two of them together... the mechanics no longer lined up properly! Where portal-able surfaces should have been, there were none. There was a laser jutting across the room, but there was no receiving sensor for it. Two vents fed the mutant 'deer' cubes into the room, but there was only need for just one box. There was an output feed for an Excursion funnel and it was completely broken.

In other words, it was a perfectly good _broken_ test. There was no way to solve it.

… without applying a good deal of 'cunning', that is.

_'And by 'cunning', I totally mean 'cheating'.'_ A wry grin spread on Chell's face as she looked up at the monitor.

"W-wot are you smiling like that about?" Wheatley asked.


	22. The revenge of the Catch22

I have failed my deadline of getting it all done by Christmas! But I DID survive the holidays, but if life were an RPG, I survived only by the grace of every phoenix down in my inventory and chain-chugging potions. And NEVER EVER will I attempt such a gift making scheme again, even starting back in November I finished ON THE DAY I went to visit family. The procrastination God has named me his avatar. Quake in fear, mortals at my power of... meh, I'll think up a good threat later.

My laptop has finally died, the last gasp before the computer apocalypse (which apparently is me) has ended it's life. For all my attempts, I seem to have only killed it faster. My new lappy should have all my massive collection of STUFF moved onto it by now, and I'd promise a faster return on the next chapter – but I have learned my lesson. Sparky16, you returned my chapter on time, sorry for this delay!

And now... MORE DELAYS!... just kidding.

Sarcasm Still Valid

1/5/12 (I CANNOT COUNT derp)

* * *

><p>There was a skill to cheating that most people never really have the chance to try out, and Chell was quickly on her way to becoming a master-level cheater. With the test chamber missing panels where they had fallen out of the walls in critical spots, lasers with no receiving couplers, too many cubesnot enough buttons, and a broken Excursion Funnel, this was the motherload of tests to be cheated on.

Stretching before this epic cheat-fest was probably required. One could easily hurt oneself by overexerting themselves with the amount of cheating that was about to get it's cheat on. That, and it would burn yet more time for Orange and Blue to rescue the facility while Chell stretched – Wheatley's full attention on his test subject.

With a wide blue optic, Wheatley watched her stretch with an interest that quite obviously went beyond science. Chell felt she was going to permanently be a slightly pinkish color from then on as she felt every camera rotate to record her movements. It was beyond unsettling to have a five foot tall eye following her every movement, a reminder that he was at one point her tiny friend who always tried to be so 'stealthy' in his human-watching exploits.

Halfway through the stretching, she couldn't put off the wave of embarrassment and fury that always went together like peanut butter and jelly. Interrupting her stretches, Chell lifted her index finger to point at the screen, then made a loopy spinning motion with her other hand.

Slightly dazed, Wheatley blinked at the gesture. "Wot? You want me … spin?"

Holding up a flat hand this time and touching it to the bottom most edge of the monitor, Chell then covered her eyes and turned her back on the screen.

This time Wheatley got the gesture. "Oh, y-you want me turn around while you do your manual override on your body?"

_'Oh god, that is the most awkward way possible he could have phrased that.' _ Chell's head sunk until her chin met her chest, but she bobbed her head in a nod.

"But, I'm kind of supposed to watch you. For science, while you test." Wheatley protested.

Science be damned! This was just creepy now! Trying a pantomime again, Chell covered her eyes with both hands. Then she made a few half-hearted stretches, all exaggerated. Finally she raised two fingers to her mouth and let out a sharp whistle upon which she opened her eyes.

Perking up, Wheatley caught the intention behind these actions. "Oh! You'll tell me when you are done? That's very nice... and I guess you do need some privacy." He mulled it over, then he very reluctantly agreed, "Aw'right, but no solving the test until I'm watching, yeh?"

Chell nodded slowly, her head too dizzy to agree any faster.

The sound of the heavy hydraulics flipped the monitor over, glossy black portal-proof panels sliding down to protect the delicate monitor connections behind the screen. Three red-eye'd cameras were still spaced out among the room, all still watching her though. However without Wheatley's obvious stare on her, Chell was accustom to dealing with the unblinking gaze of the cameras. Besides, the cameras just meant Wheatley was probably focusing through their smaller range of vision at her, and hopefully not looking around the lab and spotting two robots who lacked any sort of stealth.

Rolling her shoulders back until her spine popped and cracked, Chell commenced stretching like a marathon runner. Sore muscles clicked and snapped as they began to forcefully loosen up. It was a painful stretch session, but afterward her body felt a wash of relief as there was no accompanying pain.

_'I suppose if there are two things I'm good at, one is definitely breaking all the things. The other is wasting time. Orange, you better be keeping Blue on task while I do BOTH of those.' _Chell winced as her muscles twinged with pain.

* * *

><p>There was a pop as a red portal opened above a section of catwalk, and Blue came tumbling out, ramming into the railing. Orange hopped through more gracefully, adjusting her yellow portal to another section of wall further ahead and dodging back through the open portal behind her. The slender bot had adopted Chell's highly efficient portal method of always trying to reuse the portal nearest to you. Blue had adopted Chell's method of collecting head trauma – stumbling after Orange he gave an unsteady rumble.<p>

Faded metal signs were placed randomly throughout the damaged catwalk system. 'Warning! Turbine Generator ahead! Radiation HVEC suits required to entry.' The signs all warned of radioactive waste, fallout, and radioactive monsters that may or may not be wandering the halls. At the last warning, Orange's courage began to falter and Blue took the lead from her.

The lights were kept dim in this section, already a warning that the turbines were badly damaged, probably at less than 50% efficiency. Blue was equip with the entire database of schematics and how to repair them, but Orange was not. They were simply woken up too soon by GLaDOS to fully upload all the data into both of them. Before the turbine system could be taken from Wheatley's control, Blue was going to have to figure out how to repair most of the damage first.

Catch-22 : Grand Edition. Chell could not leave testing for risk Orange and Blue being discovered and destroyed. But the robots couldn't stop their repairs or the facility would blow up – and neither had the security clearance simply remove Wheatley's control. Everyone was stuck in stalemate.

There was an undesirable alternative option though, one that was granted by the override code that GLaDOS had hit them with earlier. The override had issued them earlier was quite unusual, designed especially for the co-op pair. EnCen-04 gave the two robots permission to completely disregard any orders the DOS system (Wheatley OR GLaDOS at the moment) were to try to give them and to ignore all standard Aperture Protocol programmed into them. By removing part of their programming, it essentially gave them both free-will on par with a human. If they wanted to ignore their orders, they could – though neither bot could even tolerate that idea. Buggering off would only leave Chell and GLaDOS trapped endlessly in testing – until everything exploded.

The override command also meant neither bot would feel any regret at damaging any crucial Aperture apparatus. So far, Blue had his hopes on planting one heavy metal foot right between Wheatley's handle. Orange had plans to cheer madly. Then they were all going to go outside and roll around in the grass.

… Chell would have been so very pleased with them.

With a final pop, the testing pair bypassed a huge airlock mechanism and portaled through into the turbine room itself. The turbines were nuclear powered, using the heat produced by the atomic reaction to vaporize the water of a naturally occurring aquifer. It was that radioactive steam that powered the turbines, and the steam condensed back into water and trapped in the system in an never-ending loop.

With the facility falling steadily back into ruin, it had taken much longer than estimated to reach the turbine center, but the co-op pair had finally made it. Blue raised his open palm to Orange, who eagerly returned the high-five. Can't leave a bot hanging. Giving Orange an ping order to locate a console and try to hack security, Blue hopped into the turbine room to begin repairs. The second his white armored shell entered the room, he gave a sudden cry of alarm as his optic was instantly fogged over. Super heated mist condensed on Blue's cool metal shell, and he went from comfortable and dry to blind and soaked in a single second. The bot stumbled forward, wiping one hand to scrub away the moisture. Orange's hand shot through the portal, grabbing Blue by the back of the chassis and preventing him from going head-first down into the boiling vat of radioactive water. Disaster averted! Bring on the next disaster!

...so then the lights went out.

_**"… I was totally not serious on that." **_Orange grumbled in their own private language.

Blue was still suspended halfway over the boiling aquifer by Orange, who was carefully NOT leaning into the turbine chamber to prevent her own optic from fogging up. The round bot said nothing, but meanwhile his database storage on 'unique and acceptable curses and their also acceptable uses' was quickly filling up as he invented new words to describe his situation.

Chell was likely to be proud of him at this too.

* * *

><p>The Aperture scientists had needed a way to keep GLaDOS in line and on task for testing instead of murdering the subjects during the highly controlled beta tests of her first year. Typical methods of 'No No, Bad Computer <em>*rolled virtual newspaper to the nose*<em>' were a complete failure in stopping the murderous tendencies. Any sort of punishment used on GLaDOS would also knock all Aperture systems offline when they tried to punish the system. Instead they opted for a positive reinforcement option.

The solution euphoria was quite possibly their best idea ever in that regard.

Even better than the time one of the lab boys mixed a slurry of all the gels into one 'super gel' in order to save space. It ended up being explosive as hell... Aperture was sure they could find a use for it.

All tests released a small amount of euphoria as the test subject progressed. Solving the landmark points of a test released continuously more and more of the electronic impulse to the AI until the test was finally solved. Upon solving the test, a comparatively large dose of the impulse jabbed through the system as a reward for not indiscriminately murdering things (again). In another attempt to make sure there would be no meddling in order to reap the benefit of more euphoria, the 'anti-spoiler' program was built into the mainframe's core DOS components. This was a redundant system though, as it was that GLaDOS was more likely to award cake on a whim than she was to tell test subjects how to solve a chamber. … as a note, the Aperture staff put red flagged warnings in every memo, email, and database to NEVER accept cake from the DOS system. Unless you happen to be immune to arsenic. Lesson learned the hard way, via unfortunate Aperture Employee #10032. Issues with the staff forgetting this rule an accepting cake were vastly lessened once the entire staff was DEAD – so the point was moot.

In order to keep the DOS system innovating on its own, the scientists had another brilliant idea to award different amounts of the euphoria, based on how difficult the tests were and _how_ the subject solved them. There were two typically administered doses of euphoria. One way was the 'typical' way reward, or the way the system assumed the human test subject would take first – almost 90% of test subjects fell into this method. The other optional solution was 'the hard way', which was more efficient and faster method of testing. The fewer portals placed and the faster the test subject moved, the larger this dose of euphoria would be.

Chell was most definitely a 'hard way' tester, even with all her caution and paranoia keeping her moving at a slow and steady pace, her average test center time was half of what the vast majority of the previous test subjects could manage.

Not to mention her life expectancy as a test subject was through the roof.

However, even with all these guidelines on the DOS system in place to keep test subjects 'safe' (in a completely relative term that has nothing to do with 'safety' and more to do with _'unable to press charges should something occur'_), the scientists kept on making more rules built into the processor system – such as _'What to do when your lab rat cheats – besides releasing neurotoxin'._ When the subject of cheating was addressed in the beta days of the DOS system, the scientists had no clue what to do about it. The early tests that GLaDOS was forced to run in the beta trial were all designed by humans, and thus flawed or basic enough that cheating was a valid testing solution. GLaDOS was driven by science, retrieving data, and observations on the tests were a part of her core coding – the very act of cheating enraged the system into a murderous frenzy. Trying to prevent the loss of test subjects, the scientists were forced to award what was scientifically classified as 'a whole metric shit-tonne' of solution euphoria if a test subject managed to find a way to cheat in the Enrichment Center.

(On a side note: The metric system had mostly just pissed off Cave Johnson, and somehow the technical method of adding various 'colorful' terms to the measurements had stuck. It was advised you didn't get Mr Johnson started on how many 'metric ass-hat centimeters' an object measured.)

Cheating became less of an issue as new testing components were developed. Cheating became damn near impossible anyway with the addition of the Emancipation Grills. By the time GLaDOS's beta days were done, the euphoria release amount for cheating was simply cached and forgotten data.

The only subject to have ever successfully managed to cheat after the beta test days was Chell herself with Wheatley's help. Even immune to almost the full effects of the solution after years of exposure, GLaDOS had been broadsided by the release while she repaired the systems and nearly was knocked off-line. When Chell had assumed GLaDOS was furious about the cheating incident, she forgot to take in to account just how much euphoria the AI had been hit with.

It is hard to be murderous when you suddenly feel better than you have for _years._

All this information came as a rush to Wheatley, seated in the core housing unit on the DOS system. _** 'Yeh, that's nice, but quiet now, I'm trying to watch.'**_ He hushed the system, as well as all alerts, emergency beacons, and a few security systems asking for updates. The system had made an attempt to warn Wheatley what the effects of cheating would have, but instead of putting the core onto high alert and trying to stop Chell, it only made him anxious and he started to babble to the test subject.

When Chell finally completed cheating on the broken test she hopped off the pyramid of 'deer'-cubes built to lean heavily into the button on the wall, and placed herself in front of the door. Wheatley's response to the cheating was to drop completely off-line in an overload of unexplained joy. And then the entire system shut down immediately afterward, throwing everything into darkness. The human would never know why, either.

* * *

><p>Chell was completely confused. Wheatley had gone from goading Chell into halting her cheating to quite suddenly slumped in the chassis and all the power suddenly flickered into the emergency reserve grid – all red-colored safety lights and dull sodium yellowed glow bulbs. For a terrible moment the woman thought the turbines had been destroyed and Wheatley had suffered a critical power failure. However, there had been no explosion of turbines reaching meltdown, and unless Chell had been hearing things Wheatley's last words before slumping over were, "oh god yes."<p>

_'… way to be creepy, Wheatley.'_

Still, whatever had happened had most definitely knocked the core completely offline and put the entire Enrichment Center on some kind of backup system. Doing so had shut down the elevators too, leaving Chell trapped in a test chamber. Stuck in a defunct test, Chell sat cross-legged on the ground to wait out the DOS system reboot. She told herself a consolation prize to being stuck in here was at least the co-op pair could work freely now.

The more sarcastic portion of her mind – which quite obviously sounded like GLaDOS in full sarcasm mode – instead spat out that the whole situation taking first place in a contest and the reward was just a pair of socks. Joy. Socks.

Speakers gave a hiss of static for a few moments, sounding like rain or blowing hail in the cavernous test chamber. Looking upwards at the ceiling, Chell wondered if Wheatley had left the connection to the speaker system open when he blue-screened, or crashed, or whatever had happened. The woman gave a wane smile at one thought, _'At least Cave Johnson isn't here to rob me of my sanity.' _

So it was with great surprise that someone DID start talking to Chell right after that thought. "I will say, you are by far my favorite test subject." The PA was suddenly chattering to life with the satisfied voice of GLaDOS. "If only because you are a terrible little monster."

Chell performed a rare triple-take (the over-achieving cousin to the double-take), jerking her head up once, twice, and then three times as if she wasn't sure if the sky was falling or the ground was collapsing.

"Oh, no. I'm not back in my mainframe just yet. I was in the backup system. You know the one... takes care of technical difficulties, system-wide failure, usually activates after you do something to my poor facility... yes, that one." Between GLaDOS's words, silence ruled over the once noisy facility. No pipes churning, no vents clattering their contents along, the whole building was in sleep mode. Except for GlaDOS. Some people operated by the power of coffee, some people operated by the power of pissy. To each their own.

"The moron still has me locked out of everything. However the backup system is an automated feature. I just replaced it with myself. It's only meant to control the bare necessities to keep my facility running, but I'm afraid despite the automated systems exemplary work, … I had to let him go."

_'I really hope computers get severance packages/pay when they are fired... oh wait... Enrichment Center, that's right. The system was probably fired – IN the incinerato_r.' Chell sighed, a bit ashamed that Aperture brand logic was now making sense to her.

"Unfortunately, your massive overdose of euphoria is only going to keep the moron off-line for 1.4 hours. Approximately – I don't have the actual data values in front of me. He doesn't seem to have much resistance to it yet. We're going to have to work fast. I only have control of door locks and lights in the auto-system. It seems you are in need of an exit." There was a whirring noise of a section of the test chamber trying to power up and the heavy door barring the way to the elevator hissed open.

Chell hesitated, shifting pushing herself off the ground. She pointed to the far off distance and then gestured at Blue's height and another at Orange's taller size. If she had pointed in the right direction to the turbine generator system, she had no clue. It hardly mattered though. GLaDOS was fast becoming the queen of charades.

"No, Blue and Orange don't have the systems reprogrammed yet. They only just got there not two minutes ago, and proceeded to high-five and hug like idiots until the power went into reserve mode. Then Blue decided he was tired of living and nearly fed himself into an incinerator chute while he panicked," GLaDOS sighed. "Why did I even build night vision into their sensors... they forget half of the time, and the other half they blind themselves."

If the turbine repair squad hadn't completed their job yet, then it was still a catch-22 situation all around. Chell couldn't leave the tests lest the co-op pair be found, and she had the most perfect opportunity right in front of her to flee. This chance would honestly not come around again – not with Wheatley building up immunity to the solution euphoria.

"I've also had a talk with the security system. I was unable to take over that role as well, but I know where it is located." GLaDOS's tone had changed subtly. Chell was still listening with growing interest. "This is a chance we can not pass up. Right now I can open any door that isn't a security risk gate, but opening doors does _me_ no good as I am. You have to do this. Go where I say, activate and enter over-ride codes in manually that I tell you and, if we are lucky, we won't die in a fire. All we have to do is make a few changes to the security system," GLaDOS finished.

Chell found she was considering it. She was honest-to-god considering doing what GLaDOS was telling her. It was then that the tone GLaDOS had been using struck a memory in Chell's jumbled memories. It was the same style and tone Wheatley used when trying to convince her of his ideas – 'Oh! I have an idea!' – in which Chell always found she had no clue why she was listening to him. Now that GLaDOS was trying out the tone herself, Chell found she was being compelled again, this time by the seemingly sound logic behind it rather than the oddly nonsensical reason she had gone along with Wheatley's plans.

_'God dammit... you've mastered the art of being convincing... now I have no choice, my free will is sapped.' _ Chell sighed, her breath puffing a stray lock of hair out of her face, a sarcastic half smirk on her lips. _ 'Lead on, O my computer overlord.'_

"That really should not have worked." There was a murmur of awe from the speakers as Chell made her way into the elevator GLaDOS had opened up. The human felt a sound plan was slightly better than leaping blindly into danger and then changing your mind mid-leap realizing the danger really wanted to kick your ass for unspecified reasons.

Or in Chell's case, for really _really _specific reasons that were illogical and petty.

Pausing outside the elevator, Chell withdrew the pad of paper and tore off one of the last few sheets. Dropping to one knee and writing against the floor, she wrote a message that would be read in about an hour's time. Yeah, the reader would not be happy, and Bad Things were probably scheduled to happen later, but it needed to be said/written.

"_Going to look around. BRB. Or if not – please go find my body and give a beautiful eulogy at __my funeral. If you mention cake during it, I will haunt you from beyond the grave" _it read. The note was left on the floor and in place of a signature, Chell left one of the two potatoes on the piece of paper as a weight to keep it from blowing away. In the chance Wheatley woke up before Chell could return, this should at least keep him convinced the human was just bored and wandering around – not destroying vital Enrichment Center Security Devices.

Chell almost stumbled entering the elevator, the transport jerking upwards even as she stepped into it. GLaDOS was in no mood to wait for Chell patiently, time was wasting away. The human settled into her normal elevator riding position sitting on the floor, at least grateful the AI hadn't closed the door on the seat of her pants in her spite. _ 'I think I'm going to have to resolve to stop pissing off all the dangerous things I meet. I'm getting tired of things trying to kill me.' _

Of course, that was a lie. … At least the bit about pissing off things. That NEVER got old.

* * *

><p>The elevator systems had been automated by various other systems not because GlaDOS didn't have the ability to multi-task and manually send the elevators off – but because it was as basic as breathing. No need to clog the AI processor with hundreds of requests a minute on the contents of elevators – that was grunt work, even for computers. The auto-system GLaDOS had invaded had just enough security clearance to get Chell out of the vast pit of modular tests and cart her back upwards into the research and development section of the lab. GLaDOS had full control of the facilities doors as well, baring the floors that were locked for security purposes. Which – unfortunately – also happened to be the floors that GLaDOS wanted to send the human guinea pig to.<p>

The situation had only changed from being stuck in a test chamber to stuck in an elevator now. Fate was still pissed at Chell for various and undisclosed reasons. This would be fate giving the human the bird.

Said human didn't think it was funny.

The elevator stopped at a floor a level up from the security annex. The door barely obeyed GlaDOS's 'open' command, groaning and creaking on half-fused hydraulics and the dusty and decaying room beyond hadn't been touched by any of GLaDOS's repair efforts yet. "Since we _all_ know how well your _last_ plan turned out – back into testing with no escape, like you _**enjoy**_ springing obvious traps on yourself – now it's my turn." GLaDOS spoke over the mounted speaker in the elevator. "Welcome to the employee dormitories. Please note that only _employees_ of the Enrichment Center are to be using any of the amenities – not that you would want to use any after what has happened to them. There was a bit of a _Ratt _infestation long ago... I think that will prove most useful."

Woe to the English language, unable to differentiate the pronunciation between a small member of the rodent family and a human with schizophrenia (though GLaDOS would clearly state there _was_ no difference – continue testing). Chell was peering into the dull mass of the dormitory, wondering just why the AI was sending her after rodents when the time they had to creep beneath Wheatley's sensors was quickly draining away. The floor was a mess of crumbled cubicle style partitions revealing beds, dressers, personal sized closets, most of these items ruined with the 400 years of age that had trashed the facility.

"There should be some sort of path from this floor down three levels to the security office for the directories. I had issues keeping vermin out of it. Since you excelled at locating most of those pest nests in your testing, perhaps you can use your excellent sense of _ruining everything_ for a practical purpose." While GLaDOS's normal tone would be blatant and unamused sarcasm, the AI said this with a gleeful teasing chuckle.

Chell finally caught on, with a macabre sense of understanding of 'the Way Things Work Around Here'. Long ago, some human had reached the security console despite the daunting security program and GLaDOS never found out how. It was probably the same human who had left all the murals and directions scribbled on walls. The woman felt an instant kinship and respect to this unknown human, like two veterans of two different wars nodding as they passed by. If this rogue human hadn't changed his tactics since he started leaving murals, Chell had no doubt she would find signs of him.

_'… probably a 'him'... could be a woman.'_ Chell found her mind trying to wander. _'Age of freaking equality! Women can break stuff just as well as men can!' _Gearing herself up to the task, Chell was fully prepared for some gender-equality destruction!

"Marshmallow... please refrain from breaking _all_ the things. There will still be science to do once the moron is removed from my system" GLaDOS called out of the elevator as Chell made her way cautiously forward. The response to the AI's statement was a careless wave and a sheepish grin.

The dormitories were never grand by any standards when they were new. By the Lower Aperture's standards, these employee sleeping quarters were a joke of interior decorating, something probably on par to a closet. Many an Aperture Interior Decorator of the older facility probably would have started crying into their manicured hands to see this place. Chell found she was disgusted with the compacted cube style bedrooms, barely large enough for the smallest damn twin beds to ever have existed, a nightstand that was having delusions of grandeur believing it was a dresser, and a drape covered nook that acted as a closet. The beds were all neatly made, though the fabric of the blankets was reduced to a bare waste of threads.

Several times Chell had to stop her forward progress and shove things out of her path. There had been an aisle down the cube-style bedrooms at one point, but the particle board walls had started losing the ability to fight gravity a couple hundred years ago. If the unknown Aperture survivor (who Chell was going to start calling 'Bob' for lack of a better name) had hidden his entrance to the floors below, it was probably located near a wall somewhere. Chell walked along side of the wall, giving the debris a swift kick with her boots to shove it out of the way and running a palm over the cold wall as she advanced forward.

Tossing the remains of one of the miniature night stands out of the way, Chell hopped over a fallen closet while scanning the wall for tell-tale signs of paint and chalk. She was now positive this Bob-guy would have marked his entrance somehow. A charcoal palm print, the rather creepy tally marks that ticked off each day he was trapped in here... something! Yet the walls were all bare, and a full circuit around the room lead Chell almost in a full circle.

_'Maybe GLaDOS is wrong. Maybe the entrance isn't here. Bob has been almost everywhere in the facility, but it doesn't look like he was here.' _Licking her dry lips, Chell's eyes darted around the room for any signs of the Aperture survivor. Doubt began to cloud her hope like an overcast cloud ruining a perfectly good parade.

When Chell's foot broke through the particle board remains of dividers and kept going she suddenly had some second thoughts. Mostly about the fact there was a hole in the floor, and gravity might still be existing.

_'Oh Bob, you have outdone yourself this time. A hole in the floor? I thought I knew you, traitorous Bob.'_

This thought was followed by yet more falling.

The longfall boots internal gyros were the only reason Chell didn't land on her head. The fall was only about ten feet but staying on her feet after the unexpected tumble was more difficult than Chell anticipated. Stumbling down the new corridor like a drunk, the woman fell against the wall and wobbled as her senses tried to figure out which way was up and how it got there. It took a moment of dizzy swaying before Chell realized she had fallen right into one of the murals that 'Bob' had left behind, this one covering the entire wall floor to ceiling in chalk.

Pulling away, hands smudged with white and orange, Chell was blown away by the massive drawing. She retreated down the hall to find where it started or ended, but every scene seemed to be of the same things found in Aperture. Turrets firing in a blaze of orange and green chalk, heavy cubes piled one on top of another, the curling green smog of neurotoxin, and a familiar gleam of white of the pristine frame GLaDOS was once seated in – all scenes were depicted with an artists eye for showing terror and beauty at the same time. There were scribbled words too, added when the mural was long finished but before the artist had abandoned this hiding place for another set.

"She knows. But she doesn't know. Knows I am here. Doesn't know what I've done. This is the last time I can access the mainframe from here. Locked me out. I'm still in, though." The scrawl was even worse than Chell's own handwriting, the black charcoal dusting down the wall in a powdery haze. A password to something was written beneath this, with a stylized eye next to it as if trying to get her attention.

More scrawl covered nearly an entire mural, of what Chell was struck dumb to realize was herself dodging turrets.. "I've woken up _Chell_. Highest outlier percentages-," Upon here the scribbling descended back into a madness fueled drawing. The woman dragged her finger tip over the mural as she cautiously made her way down the hall, leaving a long streak in the art. Seeing her own name, known by whoever this 'Survivor Bob' was made her even more paranoid than GLaDOS using her name on rare occasion.

_'What am I? Aperture's grand joke? Was there a memo sent out about me I missed?' _ Chell shivered, nothing to do with the recycled air in the security office.

Overturned metal filing cabinets with the paper that was fused together like one giant brick of pulped paper cluttered the path down in this section as well. Finding it all easier to climb over the obstructions rather than push them all aside, Chell moved in a crab-like scuttle over the junk spread about the room. There was a monitor ahead that still blinked with life, orange cursor on a black background. It had been powered onto the same scene for so long that Aperture's logo in the background of the screen had burned all the pixels to be a forever shade of cream in the middle of the black screen.

Licking her dry lips, Chell shoved a mess of folders and coffee cups off the desk to reach the keyboard. Pressing a few keys, she noted the monitor and keyboard both working as random letters flashed over the screen. Everything in seemed to be in relative working order.

Mission objection: Completed. Time to call for backup.

Wetting her lips again, Chell winced when she realized her bottom lip was becoming chapped. The air was annoyingly dry, and she had developed the nervous habit to lick her lips when frustrated. Which really only frustrated the human more to realize she had developed such a habit, which made her want to lick her lips, which reminded her that she was getting chapped lips, which- it was an endless circle of frustration.

A working compute console in the security station had been located – time to give the signal back up to GLaDOS, who was listening in on Aperture's high tech employee-spying speakers. Chell raised her index finger and thumb to her mouth and let out the shrill whistle that so resembled the ping command shared by Orange and Blue. Once the sharp noise died away, the woman caught the tail end of an echo caused by her whistling. Perhaps... it was just a little louder than she intended...

"Assuming that simple signal means 'I have reached the target' rather than 'I have fallen in a pit',... good job on completing this remedial task. If you have fallen in a pit, … I would not be surprised," GLaDOS spoke over the PA speakers, still in control of a basic function of the auto-system.

Pulling up a chair and tossing aside the stack of books that had been resting on it, Chell took a seat in front of the computer, waiting for instructions. GLaDOS had no access to cameras down here as long as the database designated the auto-system as needing only to send warnings to any employees via the speakers, keep life support systems on, and maintain basic lab functions. "Assuming your knowledge of basic administrator databases is limited to a volume approximate to 'nothing', I'm going to spell it all out for you. So Staph's Ironical paradox doesn't have itself a nice living example again." Chell set her hands on the keyboard, finding she was strangely comfortable with the typing position.

The flashing cursor danced with commands as GLaDOS listed them, spelling some of the terms out letter for letter for Chell to type

__-SQL CONNECT SYS/PASSWORD ___AS SYSDBA_ __-SQL STARTUP__ __. . . Admin Drattman, last login date 176301 days, 4 hours, 44 minutes__

_The woman paused in typing. Drattman? That was the last user on this system, the mysterious 'Bob' was finally given part of a name. The thought hit her that the password scribbled on the wall might have been for this system, however apparently he had forgotten to log himself out. GLaDOS was already giving the next set of instructions over the intercom, Chell instead focused on typing the commands into the console prompt._

__-SQL GRANT SYSDBA TO sphereDOS;__ __. . . Statement Rejected__

_Chell's hands flew off the keyboard once the system decided it didn't like that command. GLaDOS gave a few modulated sounds that might have been swearing in binary or something. The next line of code also gave the rejected command. As did the next, and the next..._

_GLaDOS was beginning to get frantic. Her own security system was locking her out, nothing at all to do with Wheatley and everything to do with her own defenses working against her. Wheatley had selected, quite randomly, almost every ID tag GLaDOS had assigned to her (and a few he probably made up just to cover his ass) to keep the angry little AI from getting back into her system. Time was running out, and GLaDOS was resorting to just one last idea___, ___one that the AI hesitated for a long while before giving in and giving Chell the last instructions._

_"We're trying something else. But don't read too much into this. If it works, … well... you won't want it to work" GLaDOS said grimly. Chell shivered again, and began to type the new code as GLaDOS spoke._

__**- create user**____ Chell identified by Chell_sphere;__ __**. . . Chell_sphere is not accepted user.**__ __**- create user**____ Chell identified by Marshmallow_sphere;__ _(Upon here, Chell gave a grunt of frustration, but typed the command GLaDOS gave her anyway.)_ __. . . Marshmallow_sphere is accepted user.__

_And now Chell understood why GLaDOS warned her she wouldn't want it to work. Wheatley had already adjusted the database, making a space for her as a sphere! The shiver became a full body shudder. _

_–_- SQL connect Chell__

_The login worked and the screen went from brown and orange to a white and blue database packed with folders in massive alphanumeric names. It seemed a bit odd to Chell that Wheatley would refer to her as Marshallow_sphere though. It was mostly a nickname GLaDOS enjoyed calling the __human, and Wheatley had never really picked up on it.. He had really only called her by her name, or smaller endearing terms that probably popped up in some giant database of ___'things to call people when you start forgetting their names___'. It was sadly ironic. The secondary wave of irony that usually followed Chell around decided to let itself be known by reminding her of 'Bob' D. Rattman._

_Chell was very quick of the opinion that irony sucked and could go wander off to die in a fire._

_"We're in!" GLaDOS gave a keen of delight. "Set your security to accept my ID tag as an accepted user now. The moron wouldn't have thought of me riding another user's log-in to access the system." Chell stared blankly at the screen, unsure what to do. "Oh, right... forgot I was dealing with a murderous lunatic and not someone more competitent for a minute. Issuing protocol on changing security clearance..." GLaDOS had the voice of a disgruntled IT associate who was about to ask – for the dozenth time – if the customer had tried turning the computer on-off, and checking the power cord. Chell would have flipped ___someone___ the bird, but at the moment she was in a blind zone and the gesture would go unappreciated._

_GLaDOS calmly walked Chell through this portion as well, until finally the AI had access to to the system externally on her own. "Taking all security cameras off-line now. Oh... well that is just plain disturbing. Why would the moron even put cameras- nevermind."_

_This time Chell didn't even want to ask where cameras had been hiding. Probably IN the other cameras. She had long since learned her lesson against asking questions she didn't want the answers to. With GLaDOS piggy-backing on her log-in, the AI began shuffling through the folders like a deck of cards, the icons bouncing once as they were passed over and then vanishing into a minimized icon of folders. Chell watched with interest as GlaDOS set about on some task._

_"There, done. I have altered all video logs to wipe Orange and Blue, as well as myself, from the __system - and if the moron bothers to look you've been sitting in the elevator quite happily for the past two hours and not at all hacking into the database. All security doors are now accessible by the auto-__system as well. Now lets get you back into the elevator before the moron notices the glaring obvious – __such as you AREN'T there."_

_Chell pushed away from the desk, but stopped as there was another hiss of static from the PA. However, it WASN'T GLaDOS... "Ah, see now – that may have been a good idea there, if I ___weren't already online___, luv." Wheatley's voice rolled like ice through Chell's veins and GLaDOS was __completely silent. All the high spirits of testing and gentle persuasion was gone. Wheatley was PISSED._

__'We... are so boned.' ___ Chell was half stuck between slapping herself in the forehead or slumping on the floor in defeat._

_Instead she swore to fate she was going to burn it's house down._

_Fate took out a fire insurance policy, just to be safe._


End file.
